Ash vs Evil Dead

Kelly Maxwell:
[after Ash puts a pair of crosses on her parents' graves] You know they were Jewish, right?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
I did not. I wish you had told me that before I made those dumb crosses.

Kelly's Father:
I'm actually a hunter and I've never seen a deer explode.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Well, maybe you're not hunting the right deer.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Pablo, focus up. Just stay behind me, let the boomstick do the talking. Things get hairy, you use your bottle.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Um, I don't think it's a very good weapon, Jefe. You had to stab Roper, like, fifty times.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Hey, I was sharpening it for you.

Deadite:
Now the three of you will perish together. Evil will walk the Earth.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Yeah, well, your cooking was sh*t.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
OK Good, I was about to feel like a huge dick.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Oh I'll be polite, right up until I'm rude.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Look, I get that you wanna save your dad, but I'm trying to save all the dads everywhere. And the mommies and the babies.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
I've gotta duct-tape some big-ass bullet holes before I roll.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Ash, I know you said that when I got hit I'd know what to do, but I just got hit and I don't know what to do!

[Ash and Pablo ride down the road, both soaked in blood]

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Is this what it's like to be you?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Yep, pretty much. Never killed my boss before, so that was new.

Pablo:
That was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, I thought I was dead. But then it was so cool when you said, "Thanks for the heads up." At first I was like, "Did he mean it like that?" And then I realized, "He's the Jefe, of course he did."

Ash:
This ain't my first rodeo, kid.

Amanda Fisher:
It's very possible this is connected to the killings from the other night. Do you know who lived there?

Phil:
Don't know his name but he was always a real a**hole to me and my wife... and our kids and pretty much everyone else around.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Oh man, something seems very wrong here.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
It always does.

Phil:
Sometimes he'd bring whores back to his trailer.

June:
Last one he brought back, some girl with a skanky wrist-tattoo, I heard 'em chanting some weird voodoo stuff from inside that crappy trailer.

Amanda Fisher:
Wait, you said wrist tattoo?

June:
I'm pretty sure that's not the only place she had one.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Okay, here's the plan: We bust in there, we fight through the carnage, we bail with the book.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Okay, yeah. Oh God, what if Kelly's mom gave Kelly the evil force and then you have to cut off Kelly's head...

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Pablo! Focus up.

Kelly Maxwell:
Mom, Dad, this is my friend Pablo. He got me the job at Value Stop. And this is Ash, a person I never thought would be in my home.

Ash:
Hi. You used to be dead, right?

Suzy Maxwell:
Why are you covered in blood?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Um, we hit a deer on the way up here. And when I tried to pull it out of the grill of my car, the sucker just exploded all over us, so we had to cut it up with my chainsaw... arm.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
When it comes to evil, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
If Kelly's mom is one of them, why wouldn't she have killed her *before* we got here?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Because she's trying to reel in the bigger fish, don't you get it? If you snag a little fish, you're not gonna eat it, no. You use it as a bait fish to catch the whale.

[awkward pause]

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
I'm the whale, Pablo.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Yeah, I got that.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
You don't believe mom's horseshit story, do ya? She's a deadite! And I think dad is too.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Her mom, she doesn't even have the crazy white eyes. I noticed they're brown and lovely like her daughter's.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Yeah, I remember when I was like you. Young, dumb, full of... conflicting emotions.

Suzy Maxwell:
You know you could, uh, take off your gun, put it over there with your chainsaw-limb.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Suzy Maxwell:
Uh, yeah. I would rather not to have a gun at dinner.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Well, we can agree to disagree.

Kelly Maxwell:
Pablo, believe it or not, the rude, middle-aged man you brought is kind of ruinin' my mom time.

[Ash bursts through the door brandishing a gun and chainsaw]

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
You left dinner before daddy excused you.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
So look, uh, I'm not a grief counselor, but if it's any consolation, I have had to kill and bury loved ones before. A bunch of times, actually.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Ash, I'm not sorry that I took your book to get you to come up here.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
I'm not either. Sometimes a whale needs his bait fish to remind him of where he is in the ocean... Or something like that. Anyway, thanks, buddy.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
You're kinda like a young me. Deadites ruined your life and you're hot as hell.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Okay, look, if we get this done quick enough, we might have time to stop for churros. [pauses and looks at Pablo] That's not a racist thing, Pablo. That's just a great dessert.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
[Stares for a second] You know I am not Mexican, right?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
[Smiles at him] That's the spirit!

Kelly's Dad:
All your time spent searching for the book, you haven't learned a thing!

Ruby Knowby:
I've learned you can always make things more painful.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
I'm happy that we're sending evil back where it came from, that's for sure, but it makes me a little sad that we're already breaking up the team.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Hey, I was toying with a nickname for us. "The Ghostbeaters!"

Kelly Maxwell:
That is so f***ing bad.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Yeah, buddy, I gotta tell ya, that's prob'ly the worst thing I've ever heard.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
At heart, me, I'm an alone wolf.

Kelly Maxwell:
A lone wolf.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Exactly.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Yo, that woman just took a gun outta her car.

Kelly Maxwell:
Is there any world where this doesn't have something to do with Ash?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Okay so, Lionel, you're gonna be cool about this, right? You wouldn't wanna wanna jeopardize your life's work just 'cause there's a unconscious cop in your store, right? I mean, you get that.

Lionel Hawkins:
I do.

Kelly Maxwell:
You do?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Kelly, come on, he's cool. Let's not poke at it.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Pablo, you, me and Professor Know-It-All, we're gonna rid the earth of evil. Kelly, can you stay here, watch our friend, in case she wakes up?

Kelly Maxwell:
Oh sure. I'll just sit here with the police officer we tied up and rethink my recent life choices.

Amanda Fisher:
Detective Fisher. State police.

[Pablo whacks Amanda in the back of the head with an enormous bone]

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Did she say she was a cop? Oh sh*t! I just knocked out a cop! It was self-defense.

Lionel Hawkins:
Do you even know what you possess here?

[Ash scoffs]

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Well, of course. I mean, obviously I do but, uh, you might wanna share it with Pablo.

Lionel Hawkins:
This book is a gateway to Hell, a way to summon forces of evil into our earthly realm.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Yep, that's exactly what I thought. Please continue.

Lionel Hawkins:
The book itself is harmless unless wielded by someone either very evil or very stupid.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
I wish we could just summon an answer.

[Ash laughs]

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Wait a minute, Pablo. You smooth, brown Einstein, that's it! We summon something from the book that can tell us how to undo all this.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Uh yeah, no, that's not what I was saying...

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Lionel, find me the weakest demon in that book!

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Reading from the book is what caused all of this trouble to begin with, so...

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Yeah, that's true. But reading from it again can't make things any worse. It's kinda like spilling paint on a painting. It's okay 'cause there was already paint on it.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
That is incorrect.

Amanda Fisher:
You don't wanna be on the wrong side of this thing.

Kelly Maxwell:
Whatever's going down here, I am already on the wrong side of it, so no turnin' back now.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Lionel, you find a wimpy demon yet?

Lionel Hawkins:
Nothing that says wimpy, specifically, but I have found a minor demon named Eligos. Possesses knowledge of hidden things, a demon of the mindscape.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Oh, perfect. Sounds like a total nerd.

Lionel Hawkins:
It says he preys on the spiritually and emotionally weak.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Well, he can do that on his own time.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Okay, look, there is no way in hell they're gonna stay here, cause they're gonna get possessed, then they're gonna be on the night train to Kill-adelphia.

Kelly Maxwell:
With stops in Choke-lahoma City, and Die-ami.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Nice.

Tattoo Girl:
We know who you are.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Catch ya on the flip-flop, good buddy.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
One more for papa.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Do me a favor, will ya? Thank your mother for me? She passed the jeans down to you in all the right places.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
You got the wrong Jefe, Chief.

Vivian Johnson:
It is time to test the mettle of man.

Vivian Johnson:
Oh, stop fussin', muffin, I just want to put these through your eyes.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Yo, Granny.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Hope you took your Geritol...

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
'Cause it's time to dance!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Goodbye forever, Kelly.

Kelly Maxwell:
Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Okay, wait. Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand?

Kelly Maxwell:
Your real hand!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Relax, sweetheart.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
I'm not sticking my neck out for anybody.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
In fact, I'm just about to haul nuggies.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
The other first thing I got to do is some cardio, 'cause my heart is jackhammering like a quarterback on prom night.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
How does it feel?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Groovy.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Groovy

Amanda Fisher:
I just thought I saw something. But I can't really trust my eyes these days.

Ruby Knowby:
There's nothing wrong with your eyes. Sometimes what you think you saw is exactly what you saw.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
You can't outrun evil, Ash.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Watch me!

Delmont:
I'm gonna get you pregnant.

Kelly Maxwell:
But then won't your sister be jealous?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
Shoot first, think never.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Noted.

Pablo Simon Bolivar:
Kelly, you need to be careful of revenge. My uncle, he always said, "Pablito, beware anger, fear revenge. If once you start down that path, forever, it will dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will."

Kelly Maxwell:
Did you just Yoda quote me?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
I ordered the fruit-cup because I thought we were taking this check to splitsville.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams:
I know they say waitresses never get big tips, but that's all about to change.

Kelly Maxwell:
[Pushes a deadite's head into a meat slicer] Thin slice, just the way I like it!

Lieutenant Boyle:
[after throwing a child into a ceiling fan] A new member for my fan club.

Pablo:
They're not your children.

Ruby:
wait are you saying your the father or something?

Pablo:
No, I'm just saying that they came out of me.

Kelly:
Oh, so your saying your a vagina.

Pablo:
No, I'm saying I'm powerful.

Kelly:
Vaginas are powerful, because they can make life. So ya your saying your a vagina.

And then after that Kelly keeps on calling him a vagina for a long time, because he said they were his children.