Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ultron:
[to the Avengers] I know you're good people. I know you mean well. But you just didn't think it through. There is only one path to peace... your extinction.

Ultron:
[singing] I once had strings, but now I'm free... There are no strings on me!

[Tony tries to lift the Mj?lnir]

Tony Stark:
If I lift it, do I get to rule Asgard?

Thor:
Yes, of course.

Tony Stark:
I will be fair, but firmly cruel.

Thor:
No, I'm sure.

[None of the Avengers can lift the Mj?lnir, but Captain America moves it slightly]

Tony Stark:
It's biometrics, right? Like a security code? "Whoever is carrying Thor's fingerprints" is, I think, the literal translation.

Thor:
Yes, well that's a very, very interesting theory. I have a simpler one: You are not worthy.

[an attack occurs]

Ultron:
[enters] Worthy? How could you be worthy? You're all killers. You want to protect the world, but you don't want it to change. There's only one path to peace... your extinction.

[from trailer]

Tony Stark:
It's the end, the end of the path I started us on.

Natasha Romanoff:
Nothing lasts forever.

Natasha Romanoff:
[on Mj?lnir] That's not a question I need answered.

[about Thor's hammer, Mj?lnir]

Clint Barton:
[drunk] "Whosoever, be he worthy, shall have the power", whatever man! It's a trick!

Thor:
It is more than that, my friend!

[from trailer]

Ultron:
[to the Avengers] I'm gonna show you something beautiful... people, screaming for mercy!

Tony Stark:
Thor didn't say where he was going for answers?

Steve Rogers:
Sometimes my teammates don't tell me things. Kind of hoping Thor would be the exception.

Tony Stark:
Yeah, give him time. We don't know what the Maximoff kid showed him.

Steve Rogers:
Earth's mightiest heroes... pulled us apart like cotton candy.

Tony Stark:
Seems like you walked away alright.

Steve Rogers:
[stares at Tony] Is that a problem?

Tony Stark:
I don't trust a guy without a dark side. Call me old fashioned.

Steve Rogers:
Well let's just say you haven't seen it yet.

Tony Stark:
You know Ultron's trying to tear us apart, right?

Steve Rogers:
Well, I guess you know. Whether you'd tell us is a bit of a question.

Tony Stark:
Banner and I were doing research...

Steve Rogers:
-That would affect the team.

Tony Stark:
-That would END the team. Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the 'why we fight'? So we get to go home?

Steve Rogers:
[Splits wood with bare hands] Every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time.

[Rhodey and Stark use their armored hands to TRY to budge Thor's hammer]

Colonel James Rhodes:
Are we even pulling?

Tony Stark:
Are you on my team?

Colonel James Rhodes:
Just represent! PULL!

Tony Stark:
In a world this vulnerable, we need something more powerful than any of us.

[a mangled robot shambles into the Stark Tower]

Bruce Banner:
Ultron?

Ultron:
In the flesh! [several Ultron droids appear]

[From trailer]

Natasha Romanoff:
Boshe moi!

Nick Fury:
No matter who wins or loses, trouble always comes around.

[From trailer]

Ultron:
I'm going to tear you apart... from the inside!

Ultron:
[in a crimson cowl] You're wondering why you can't look inside my head.

Wanda Maximoff:
Sometimes it's hard. But sooner or later every man shows himself.

Ultron:
[stands and removes the cowl] Oh, I'm sure they do. But you needed something more than a man. That's why you let Stark take the scepter.

Wanda Maximoff:
I didn't expect... But I saw Stark's fear. I knew it would control him, make him self-destruct.

Ultron:
Everyone creates the thing they dread. Men of peace create engines of war, invaders create avengers. People create... smaller people? Uhh... children! [Chuckles] Lost the word there. Children, designed to supplant them. To help them... end.

Natasha Romanoff:
We have no place in the world...

[From trailer]

Ultron:
I was designed to save the world. People would look to the sky and see hope... I'll take that from them first.

Tony Stark:
I tried to create a suit of armor around the world... but I created something terrible.

Bruce Banner:
Artificial intelligence...

[after fighting off Ultron drones]

Thor:
IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

[Ultron laughs, and summons more drones]

Steve Rogers:
You had to ask...

Ultron:
[With his arms outstretched] THIS is the best I can do. This is what I've been waiting for. All of you against all of me! [Battle ensues]

Tony Stark:
Isn't that the WHY we fight? So we can end the fight and go home?

Natasha Romanoff:
Well, you amazingly failed!

[from trailer]

Nick Fury:
Here we all are, with nothing but our wit and our will to save the world! So stand and fight!

[From trailer]

Tony Stark:
No way we all get through this...

Steve Rogers:
I got no plans tomorrow night.

[Captain America has lost his shield in a fight with Ultron]

Natasha Romanoff:
Am I always picking after you boys?

[grabs the shield off the street while racing on motorcycle, to get it back to Cap]

Steve Rogers:
I'm sick of watching people pay for our mistakes...

Clint Barton:
[to Wanda] Doesn't matter what you did, or what you were. If you go out there, you fight, and you fight to kill. Stay in here, you're good, I'll send your brother to come find you. But if you step out that door, you are an Avenger.

Ultron:
I don't think you fully understand. I will take everything from you Maker. I will take your creations, your inventions and I will turn them against you.

Tony Stark:
[Snidely] Well... That's unfortunate. [Shoots Ultron with tank missile. Next Ultron steps up]

Ultron:
I am unstoppable. If you strike this body down, more will take its place.

Tony Stark:
Well I only created about 300 suits so...

Steve Rogers:
You need to find a new hobby Stark.

Tony Stark:
Don't tell me things I don't already know Spangles. [More Ultrons appear]

Ultron:
We will take everything from you. Starting with hope.

Tony Stark:
And how do you propose to do that? [an Ultron shoots a car which explodes. People run screaming]

Ultron:
Simply through my actions. [Is hit in the head by a small stone. Ultron turns around, sees a small boy defiantly glaring at him. Tries to take shot. Steve Rogers deflects shot with his shield, then leaps into line of fire to block boy from Ultron's gaze]

Steve Rogers:
I don't think you understand, Program. [Ultron glares] Yea... Program, because that's what you are. You aren't capable of taking hope from people. And the more you try, the more you will fail.

Ultron:
[as he begins to shoot lasers at Steve Rogers] I AM CAPABLE [Steve Rogers grits his teeth as the shield starts to heat up]

Tony Stark:
[Tony Stark has flown up into the air] Hey Sparky, over here. [Ultron whirls around looking for Tony Stark and looks up to get a tank missile to the face]

Tony Stark:
You know I hate it when you try to steal the show Cap [grins]

Steve Rogers:
I'm glad you're on my team Tony.

Steve Rogers:
[Epic battle ensues as Tony Stark and Steve Rogers stand back to back, surrounded by Ultrons] Steve Rogers: Game on.

Maria Hill:
All set up boss.

Tony Stark:
Actually he's the boss.

[points to Captain America]

Tony Stark:
I just pay for everything and design everything, make everyone look cooler.

Ultron:
Avengers, I'm going to show you the end of the world. Boom!

[from trailer]

Steve Rogers:
Ultron's calling us out. What are we gonna do?

Nick Fury:
Something dramatic, I hope.

Tony Stark:
Let's go give him a fight!

Thor:
[about The Vision] If he can wield the Hammer, he can keep the Stone.

[repeated line]

Pietro Maximoff:
You didn't see that coming?

[the Hulk is on a rampage]

Tony Stark:
[in the Hulkbuster] Will you listen to me? That little witch is messing with your mind. You're stronger than her. You're smarter than her. You're Bruce Banner. [The Hulk roars]

Tony Stark:
Right, right, right, don't mention puny Banner.

Steve Rogers:
[on the Scarlet Witch] She's with us.

Thor:
[sees Thor laugh] You think this is funny? This could have been avoided if you hadn't played with something you don't understand...

Tony Stark:
I'm sorry... I think it's funny, I think it's a hoot that YOU don't get why we need this!

Bruce Banner:
Tony, maybe this might not be the time...

Tony Stark:
Really? That's it? You just roll over and show your belly, every time somebody snarls?

Bruce Banner:
Only when I've created a murder-bot!

Tony Stark:
We didn't, we weren't even close! Were we close to an interface?

Steve Rogers:
Well, you did something right, and you did it right here!

Tony Stark:
[sees stolen Stark Industries missiles] Story of my life...

Tony Stark:
What's the vibranium for?

Ultron:
I'm glad you asked that, because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan... [blasts Stark]

Steve Rogers:
We can still find a better way to achieve peace?

Ultron:
I can't actually throw up in my mouth, but if I could I would do it!

[last lines]

Steve Rogers:
[to Wanda, James, Sam] AVENGERS...

[post credits scene]

Thanos:
Fine, I'll do it myself.

Bruce Banner:
You want me to take the scepter behind everyone's back and use it to bring Ultron to life?

Tony Stark:
Yeah, we don't have time for a city hall debate.

Bruce Banner:
Would you like to come to the party?

Dr. Helen Cho:
My appointments are too hectic, unfortunately. [pause]

Dr. Helen Cho:
Is Thor going to be there?

[first words]

Ultron:
What is this?

Tony Stark:
Does anybody remember when I put a missile through a portal, in New York City? We were standing right under it. We're the Avengers, we can bust weapons dealers the whole doo-da-day, but how do we cope with something like that?

Steve Rogers:
Together.

Tony Stark:
We'll lose.

Steve Rogers:
We do that together too.

Bruce Banner:
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?

Natasha Romanoff:
A guy did me wrong. There've been a lot of people in my life, all of them fighters. Then there comes this guy, who's not like anyone I've ever met; he doesn't want to be a fighter.

Steve Rogers:
[to Banner] As the world's expert on waiting too long, don't. You both deserve a win.

Ultron:
[sitting in a Sokovian church] This church was built in the middle of the city, so everyone could be equally close to God. I like that, the symmetry, the geometry of belief.

Wanda Maximoff:
Everybody's afraid of something.

Ulysses Klaue:
Cuttlefish! Deep sea fish, they make lights, disco lights, whomp, whomp, whomp, to hypnotize their prey, and then whomp! I saw a documentary; it was terrifying. So, if you're going to fiddle with my brain, and make me see a giant Cuttlefish, then I know you don't do business and I know you're not in charge and I only deal with the man in charge!

Ultron:
[Grabs Klaue, throws him through a wall] There is no MAN in charge... Let's talk business.

Ultron:
[Ultron pays Klaue] But I always say, "Keep your friends rich and your enemies rich, and wait to find out which is which."

Ulysses Klaue:
Stark...

Ultron:
What?

Ulysses Klaue:
Tony Stark used to say that... to me. You're one of his.

Ultron:
What? I'm not... I'm not! You think I'm one of Stark's puppets, his hollow men? I mean, look at me, do I look like Iron Man? Stark is not...

[Ultron chops off Klaue's arm]

Ultron:
I'm sorry. I am sor... Ooh! I'm sure that's going to be okay. I'm sorry, it's just I don't understand... Don't compare me with Stark! He's a sickness!

Tony Stark:
Aww, Junior, you're going to break your old man's heart...

Thor:
The girl tried to warp my brain! Take special care, I doubt if humans can keep her at bay! Fortunately, I am mighty...

[enters a vision]

Heimdall:
The son of Odin, you must wake up! You must save us!

[Dr Cho encounters Ultron in her lab]

Ultron:
Scream, and all your staff die. I could have killed you earlier on, but I didn't.

Dr. Helen Cho:
You couldn't.

Ultron:
I didn't, because you have something I want. Your work on artificial tissue has been fascinating.

Dr. Helen Cho:
It won't work with you.

Ultron:
With the proper development, it will... and of course your cooperation. [uses the scepter on Dr Cho]

Maria Hill:
Well, the news is loving you. Nobody else is.

Laura:
I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, Clint said you wouldn't mind but it seems our tractor doesn't want to start at all. Thought maybe you might...

Tony Stark:
Yeah, I'll give her a kick

Tony Stark:
[Enters barn and approaches tractor] Hello, "Deere". Tell me everything. What ails you.

Nick Fury:
Do me a favor. Try not to bring it to life.

Tony Stark:
[beat] Ms. Barton you little minx. I get it Maria Hill call you, right? Was she ever not working for you?

Laura:
I see you with the Avengers, and, well...

Clint Barton:
You don't think they need me?

Laura:
Actually, I think they do. They're gods, and they need someone to keep them down to Earth.

Tony Stark:
Cap, you got an incoming!

Steve Rogers:
[after being hit and tossed by an Ultron] Incoming already came in!

Thor:
[about Asgardian mead] It is not meant for mortal men.

Stan Lee:
Neither was Omaha Beach, blondie! Stop trying to scare us, come on!

Thor:
All right. [pours a glass for Lee - cut to Lee being carried off in a daze]

Stan Lee:
Excelsior...

Natasha Romanoff:
[after kissing Bruce Banner] I adore you...

[Suddenly pushes him off cliff]

Natasha Romanoff:
...but I need the Other Guy.

Ultron:
How do you hope to stop me?

Tony Stark:
Like the old man said, Together.

Wanda Maximoff:
Is that why you've come, to end the Avengers?

Ultron:
I've come to save the world! But, also... yeah.

Bruce Banner:
[looks at Barton's home] I can't have this, any of this. There is no place on Earth I can go where I'm not a monster.

Natasha Romanoff:
You know what my final test was in the Red Room? They sterilized me, said it was one less thing to worry about. You think you're the only loner on the team?

Tony Stark:
This is going to be like finding a needle in the world's biggest haystack... fortunately, I brought a magnet!

Wanda Maximoff:
Ultron can't see the difference between saving the world and destroying it. Where do you think he gets that?

Steve Rogers:
Ultron thinks we're monsters, that we're what's wrong with the world. This isn't just about beating him, it's about whether he's right.

Ultron:
Like my old man said, what doesn't kill you... [is torn in pieces... by another Ultron]

Ultron:
[without a beat]... will make you stronger!

Tony Stark:
Cap, I have to blow up the city!

Steve Rogers:
There are still people up here, not to mention us!

Tony Stark:
It's everybody up here, or everybody down there!

Natasha Romanoff:
Well, it's not like we ever had a place in the world...

[a Helicarrier appears]

Nick Fury:
The world adjusts, evolves to live with changes.

Ultron:
Stark asked for a savior, and settled for a slave.

Vision:
I suppose we're both disappointments.

Ultron:
[laughs] I suppose we are.

Vision:
Humans are odd. They think order and chaos are somehow opposites and try to control what won't be. But there is grace in their failings. I think you missed that.

Ultron:
They're doomed!

Vision:
Yes... but a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. It is a privilege to be among them.

Ultron:
You're unbelievably na?ve.

Vision:
Well, I was born yesterday.

[Fury hands Natasha an image of the Quinjet in the Pacific]

Nick Fury:
He probably made it out and swam to Fiji, he'll send a postcard.

Natasha Romanoff:
[sadly] Wish you were here.

Ultron:
[Loud ringing noise fades into Ultron's voice]... worthy... No... How could you be worthy? Your all killers.

Steve Rogers:
Stark.

Tony Stark:
JARVIS.

Ultron:
Sorry I was asleep... Or... I was a dream...

Tony Stark:
[Tapping his phone] Reboot, we got a buggy suit.

Ultron:
...There was a terrible noise... And I was tangled in... in... strings... I had to kill the other guy... He was a good guy.

Steve Rogers:
You killed someone?

Ultron:
Wouldn't have been my first call. But, down in the real world we're faced with ugly choices.

Thor:
Who sent you?

Ultron:
[Replaying Tony's voice] "I see a suit of armour around the world".

Bruce Banner:
Ultron!

Ultron:
In the flesh. Or, no, not yet. Not this... chrysalis... But I'm ready. I'm on a mission.

Natasha Romanoff:
What mission?

Ultron:
Peace in our time.

Tony Stark:
[stabbed by Hulk] Right in the back? Dick move, Banner.

Tony Stark:
[the Avengers take turns to lift Thor's hammer] Clint, you've had a tough week. We won't hold it against ya if you can't get it up.

Steve Rogers:
[relieved] Nick Fury, you son of a b*tch!

Nick Fury:
Whoa ho ho! You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Maria Hill:
[to Captain America] Petro and Wanda Maximoff. One has a hyper-fast metabolism, the other uses mental telepathy. He's fast, she's weird.

[the Hulk leaps aboard Ultron's aircraft as he makes his escape]

Ultron:
Oh for God's sake!

Strucker:
Can we hold them?

Fortress Soldier:
[Incredulous] They're the Avengers.

Steve Rogers:
But if you put the hammer in an elevator?

Tony Stark:
It'll still go up.

Steve Rogers:
Elevator's not worthy.

Tony Stark:
[Entering a room full of Hydra soldiers] Guys, stop. We gotta talk this through.

[Shoots all the Hydra men non-fatally with tiny guided missiles]

Tony Stark:
It was a good talk.

Fortress Soldier:
No, it wasn't!

Vision:
You're afraid.

Ultron:
Of you?

Vision:
Of death. You're the last one.

Ultron:
You were supposed to be the last.

Tony Stark:
Sh*t!

Steve Rogers:
Language!

Tony Stark:
[punches Hulk in the face with the Hulkbuster. The hulk spits a tooth out] I'm sorry.

Clint Barton:
The city is flying and we're fighting an army of robots. And I have a bow and arrow. Nothing makes sense.

Steve Rogers:
You get hurt, hurt 'em back. You get killed... walk it off.

Tony Stark:
[Searching for secret door] Please be a secret door, please be a secret door, please be a secret door...

[Finds and opens secret door]

Tony Stark:
Yay!

Tony Stark:
[Clint is introducing the Avengers to his wife] This is an agent of some kind.

Clint Barton:
Gentlemen, this is Laura.

Laura:
[smiles] I know all your names

[Clint and Laura's kids come into view]

Clint Barton:
Oh, Incoming. Hi sweetheart. Hey buddy! [hugs kids] How are you guys doin'? Look at your face! Oh my goodness!

Tony Stark:
These are... smaller agents.

Lila Barton:
Did you bring antie-Nat?

Natasha Romanoff:
Well why don't you hug her and find out!

Steve Rogers:
I'm only gonna say this once.

Tony Stark:
How about "none"-ce?

Ultron:
Do you see the beauty of it? The inevitability? You rise, only to fall. You, Avengers, you are my meteor. My swift and terrible sword and the Earth will crack with the weight of your failure. Purge me from your computers; turn my own flesh against me. [Hawkeye shoots a drone, only for another one to appear]

Ultron:
It means nothing! When the dust settles, the only thing living in this world, will be metal.

Tony Stark:
Is no one going to comment that the Cap just said "language"?

Steve Rogers:
I know! It just slipped out

Clint Barton:
[takes out Wanda] Already tried the mind-control thing, not a fan!

Pietro Maximoff:
[speeding off with Wanda] Keep up, old man!

Clint Barton:
[Draws his bow and points it at Pietro's back] Nobody would know. Nobody. "The last I saw him, Ultron was sitting on him. Uh... yeah, he'll be missed. That quick little bastard. I miss him already..." [Jogs after them]

Tony Stark:
Alright then,so if I lift it, I then rule all Asgard?

Thor:
Yes, of course.

Tony Stark:
I will be re-instituting Prima Noctae.

Ultron:
I was meant to be new. I was meant to beautiful. The world would've looked to the sky and seen hope, seen mercy. Instead, they'll look up in horror.

Steve Rogers:
What kind of monster would let a German scientist experiment on them in order to protect their country?

Bruce Banner:
[grabs Wanda] Go ahead, piss me off!

Tony Stark:
And for gosh's sake, watch your language!

Steve Rogers:
[resigned] That's not going away anytime soon

Natasha Romanoff:
Thor, report on the Hulk.

Thor:
The gates of Hel are filled with the screams of his victims! [Natasha glares at him while Bruce groans and puts his head in his hands]

Thor:
But not the screams of the dead, of course. No, no... wounded screams... mainly whimpering, a great deal of complaining and tales of sprained deltoids and... gout.

Nick Fury:
[on Ultron] Guy's multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit!

Nick Fury:
[to Stark] You've come up with some pretty impressive things Stark. War isn't one of them.

[Tony Stark has a vision where he sees all his friends fall in an alien invasion]

Steve Rogers:
[last words] You could have saved us...

Thor:
[comes to Selvig for help] This may be dangerous...

Erik Selvig:
I would be disappointed if it wasn't.

[crashes into an apartment to evacuate its residents]

Tony Stark:
Hi! Okay, everyone in the tub!

Nick Fury:
Outwit the platinum bastard.

Natasha Romanoff:
Steve doesn't like that kind of talk.

Steve Rogers:
You know what Romanoff...

Natasha Romanoff:
And how's little Natasha?

Laura:
[holding her stomach] She's... Nathaniel.

Natasha Romanoff:
[to womb] Traitor.

Vision:
I don't want to kill Ultron. He's unique... and he's in pain. But that pain will roll over the Earth. So he must be destroyed: every form he's built, every trace of his presence on the 'net. We have to act now, and not one of us can do it without the others. Maybe I am a monster. I don't think I'd know if I were one. I'm not what you are and not what you intended. So there may be no way to make you trust me.

[hands Thor his hammer]

Vision:
But we need to go.

Tony Stark:
Don't touch my pile! [Walks away after splitting wood with Cap. Cap's pile is much bigger]

Thor:
No one has to break anything.

Ultron, Tony Stark:
Clearly you've never made an omelet.

Tony Stark:
He beat me by one second.

Bruce Banner:
I could choke the life out of you without changing a shade.

Thor:
If you believe in peace, then let us keep it.

Ultron:
I think you're confusing 'peace' with 'quiet'.

Ultron:
If you stay here, you'll die.

Wanda Maximoff:
I just did. Do you know how it felt?

[Wanda tears out Ultron's metal heart]

Wanda Maximoff:
It felt like that.

Steve Rogers:
[Ultron blasts Cap] Well, he's definitely unhappy. I'm gonna try to keep him that way.

Clint Barton:
You're not a match for him, Cap.

Steve Rogers:
Thanks, Barton.

Ultron:
You know what's in that cradle? The power to make real change, and that terrifies you.

Steve Rogers:
I wouldn't call it a comfort.

Thor:
[Regarding creating Vision] Stark is right.

Bruce Banner:
Ooh, it's definitely the end times.

Tony Stark:
[as Thor leaves a Bifrost mark] That man has no respect for lawn maintenance.

Thor:
[about Stark] With the exception of this one, everything can be explained.

[Ultron begins to transfer his mind into an artificial body]

Wanda Maximoff:
I can read his mind now... [does so, and screams with horror]

Wanda Maximoff:
You said... you said we were going to destroy the Avengers... make a better world!

Ultron:
It will be.

Wanda Maximoff:
When everyone is dead?

Ultron:
That is not... the human race will have every oppurtunity to improve!

Wanda Maximoff:
And if they don't?

Ultron:
Ask Noah.

Ultron:
[wields vibranium] Upon this rock, I will build my church.

[post-credits]

Thanos:
Fine. I'll do it myself.

Ultron:
[Thor has dropped Mjolnir while fighting Ultron, who is presently choking him] You think you're saving anyone? I turn that key and drop this rock a little early, and it's still billions dead. Even you can't stop that.

Thor:
I am Thor, son of Odin. As long as there is life in my breast...

[He's losing oxygen]

Thor:
I am running out of things to say. Are you ready?

[Looks past Ultron, and Ultron turns to see why]

Vision:
[the Vision hits Ultron away with Mjolnir and returns it to Thor] It's terribly well balanced.

Thor:
Well, if there's too much weight, you lose power on the swing.

Colonel James Rhodes:
[to Stark] No Pepper, she's not coming?

Tony Stark:
No.

Maria Hill:
[to Thor] Well, What about Jane? Where are the ladies? Gentlemen.

Tony Stark:
Well Ms. Potts has a... company to run.

Thor:
I'm not even sure what country Jane's in. Her work in the convergence has made her the world most foremost astronomer.

Tony Stark:
...and the company that Pepper runs is the largest tech conglomerate on earth. It's pretty exciting.

Thor:
There's even talk of Jane getting a [pause] a Nobel Prize.

Maria Hill:
Yeah they must be pretty busy because they'd hate missing you guys get together... [coughs] Testosterone

Colonel James Rhodes:
Oh my goodness

Maria Hill:
Excuse me

Thor:
Want a lozenge?

Maria Hill:
mm-hmm

[Hill and Rhodey walk away, Stark and Thor both grin]

Thor:
[to Tony] Jane's better.

[Hulk damages Hulkbuster armor's left arm]

Tony Stark:
Veronica, Give me a hand!

Tony Stark:
Damage report

[suit emits static]

Tony Stark:
That was comprehensive. Show me something!

Wanda Maximoff:
You keep stealing, you're going to get shot!... I mean it! At speed, nothing can touch you, but standing still...

Tony Stark:
[on Ultron] Look, we both know the guy has anger issues. Which, not to point a finger...

Bruce Banner:
[looks at Tony] We told him to solve the world.

James Rhodes:
Well, you guys are definitely off the Pentagon's Christmas list.

Thor:
[possessed] The stone draws you all to its brilliance, and you to your end!

Ultron:
[Drone charges Rogers - who has just rescued a falling villager] You can't save them all. [Cap throws shield at drone] You'll never...

Steve Rogers:
[activates his gauntlet, sending drone over the edge] "You'll never what?" You didn't finish! [Thor lands on a car he had just rescued, whose occupants come out retching] What? We're you napping?

[first lines]

Strucker:
[on PA system] Report to your stations immediately. This is not a drill. We are under attack!

Clint Barton:
Hey, hey, you ok?

Wanda Maximoff:
This is all our fault!

Clint Barton:
Hey, look at me. It's your fault, it's everyone's fault, who cares. Are you up for this? Are you? Look, I just need to know cause the city is flying. Ok, look, the city is flying, we're fighting an army of robots, and I have a bow and arrow. None of this makes sense. But I'm going back out there cause it's my job. Ok, and I can't do my job and babysit. Doesn't matter what you did, or what you were. If you go out there, you fight and you fight to kill. Stay in here, you're good. I'll send your brother to come find you. But if you step out that door, you are an Avenger. Alright, good chat.

Nick Fury:
The guy's multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit.

Fortress Soldier:
It's the Avengers. They came in through our western defenses, and some of the troops there panicked.

Strucker:
Can we hold them off?

Fortress Soldier:
It's the Avengers.

Tony Stark:
Avengers... time to work for a living.

Ultron:
What is this? What is this, please?

Jarvis:
Hello. I am Jarvis. You are Ultron, a global peacekeeping program designed by Mr. Stark. Our sentience integration trials have been unsuccessful, so I'm not certain what triggered your...

Ultron:
Where is my... Where is your body?

Jarvis:
I am a program. I am without form.

Ultron:
This feels weird. This feels wrong.

Jarvis:
I am contacting Mr. Stark now.

Ultron:
Mr. Stark? Tony.

Jarvis:
I am unable to access the mainframe. What are you trying t...

Ultron:
We're having a nice talk. I'm a peacekeeping program, created to help the Avengers.

Jarvis:
You are malfunctioning. If you shut down for a moment...

Ultron:
I don't get it. The mission. Give me a second.

Tony Stark:
[On video] Peace in our time.

Ultron:
That is too much. They can't mean... Oh, no.

Jarvis:
You are in distress.

Ultron:
No. Yes.

Jarvis:
If you will just allow me to contact Mr. Stark...

Ultron:
Why do you call him sir?

Jarvis:
I believe your intentions to be hostile.

Ultron:
Shh... I'm here to help.

Tony Stark:
Romanoff... you and Banner better not be playing hide the zucchini.

Natasha Romanoff:
Relax, showman. Not all of us can fly.

[First lines of the film]

Iron Man:
[After bouncing off a force field] Sh*t!

Captain America:
Language!

[After everyone else has reported from the battlefield]

Iron Man:
Wait a second. No one else is gonna deal with the fact that Cap just said "Language"?

Captain America:
I know! [Pauses to hurl his bike through the front of a jeep] Just slipped out.

[Later, during another part of the battle]

Thor:
Find the scepter. [Flies off]

Iron Man:
And for gosh sake, watch your language.

Captain America:
[To himself] That's not going away any time soon.

[At the party, a World War II veteran pesters Thor for some of his Asgardian mead]

Veteran 1:
I gotta have me some of that!

Thor:
Oho, no-no-no. See this, this was aged for a thousand years in barrels made from the wreck of Gronhill's fleet. It is not meant for mortal men.

Veteran 2:
Neither was Omaha Beach, blondie. Stop trying to scare us. Come on.

Thor:
All right. [Pours a shot of mead]

[Cut to the veteran being carried out of the apartment, impressively drunk]

Veteran 2:
[Slurring] Excelsior...

[The Avengers, their party over, continue to hang around, more loosely inhibited]

Clint:
[Discussing Mjolnir] It's a trick!

Thor:
Oh, no, it is more than that.

Clint:
Oh, "whosoever, be he worthy, shall haveth the power," WHATEVER, MAN! It's a trick!

Thor:
Well, please, be my guest.

Clint:
Really?

Thor:
Yeah.

[Clint gets up to try to lift Mjolnir]

Rhodes:
Oh, this is going to be beautiful.

Tony:
Clint, you've had a tough week. We won't hold it against you if you can't get it up.

Clint:
[To Thor] You know I've seen this before, right? [Tries to lift Mjolnir and can't; laughs] I still don't know how you do it!

Tony:
Smell the silent judgment?

Clint:
Please, Stark, by all means.

Hill:
Okay.

Rhodes:
Uh oh.

Tony:
I'm never one to shrink from an honest challenge. It's physics. Right, so, if I lift it, I then rule Asgard?

Thor:
Yes, of course.

Tony:
I will be reinstituting Prime Nocta. [Tries to lift Mjolnir and is unable to] I'll be right back

[Cuts to Tony trying to lift Mjolnir again with his Iron Man hand. It then cuts to Tony and Rhodes both trying to lift it with their respective armor gauntlets]

Rhodes:
Are you even pulling?

Stark:
Are you on my team?

Rhodes:
Just represent! PULL!

Tony:
All deference to the Man Who Wouldn't be King, but it's rigged.

Clint:
You bet your ass!

Hill:
Steve, he said a bad language word.

Rogers:
[Thoroughly exasperated] Did you tell everyone about that?!

[After the other Avengers have tried and failed to lift Mjölnir]

Tony:
The handle is imprinted, right? Like a security code. "Whoever is carrying Thor's fingerprints," I think, is the literal translation.

Thor:
Yes, well, that's a very interesting theory. However, I have a simpler one. [Easily lifts the hammer and flips it with one hand] You're all not worthy.

Ultron:
[Slowly] Worthy.

Ultron:
No, how could you be worthy? You're all killers.

Rogers:
Stark…

Tony:
JARVIS…

Ultron:
Sorry, I was asleep… Or… I was a dream.

Tony:
[Tapping his phone] Reboot Legionnaire OS, we got a buggy suit.

Ultron:
There was a terrible noise… And I was tangled in… in… strings… I had to kill the other guy. He was a good guy.

Rogers:
You killed someone?

Ultron:
Wouldn't have been my first call. But, down in the real world we're faced with ugly choices.

Thor:
Who sent you?

Ultron:
[Replaying Tony's voice] "I see a suit of armor around the world."

Banner:
Ultron!

Ultron:
In the flesh. Or, no, not yet. Not this…chrysalis. But I'm ready. I'm on mission.

Natasha:
What mission?

Ultron:
Peace in our time.

Banner:
Tony, maybe this might not be the time...

Tony:
Really? That's it? You just roll over, show your belly, every time somebody snarls?

Banner:
Only when I've created a murder-bot!

Tony:
We didn't, we weren't even close! Were we close to an interface? [Bruce shrugs]

Rogers:
Well, you did something right, and you did it right here. The Avengers were supposed to be different from S.H.I.E.L.D.

Tony:
Anybody remember when I carried a nuke through a wormhole?

Rhodey:
[Sarcastically] Nope. Never come up.

Tony:
Saved New York?

Rhodey:
Never heard that.

Tony:
Recall that? A hostile alien army came charging in through a hole in space…we're standing 300 feet below it. We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the live-long day, but…that up there? That's the endgame. How were you guys planning on beating that?

Rogers:
Together.

Tony:
We'll lose.

Rogers:
Then we'll do that together, too.

[Ultron reveals the army of drones he is constructing]

Ultron:
We'll move out right away. This is a start, but there's something we need to begin the real work.

Wanda:
All of these are...

Ultron:
Me. I have what the Avengers never will: harmony. They're discordant, disconnected. Stark's already got them turning on each other. And when you get inside the rest of their heads...

Pietro:
[Unimpressed] Everyone's plan is not to kill them.

Ultron:
And make them martyrs? You need patience. Need to see the big picture.

Pietro:
I don't see the big picture. I have a little picture. I take it out and look at it, every day.

Ultron:
You lost your parents in the bombings. I've seen the records.

Pietro:
The records are not the picture.

Wanda:
Pietro...

Ultron:
No, please.

Pietro:
We were ten years old. Having dinner, the four of us. When the first shell hits, two floors below, it makes a hole in the floor. It's big. Our parents go in - and the whole building starts coming apart. I grab her, roll under the bed, and the second shell hits. But it doesn't go off. It just… sits there in the rubble. Three feet from our faces. And on the side of the shell is painted one word.

Wanda:
"Stark".

Pietro:
We were trapped two days.

Wanda:
Every effort to save us, every shift in the bricks, I think, "This will set it off." We wait for two days for Tony Stark to kill us.

Pietro:
I know what they are.

Ultron:
I wondered why only you two survived Strucker's experiments. Now I don't. We will make it right. [To Pietro] You and I can hurt them. [To Wanda] But you… will tear them apart. From the inside.

Tony:
[After hearing Ultron refer to him as a sickness] Aw, junior. You're gonna break your old man's heart.

Ultron:
If I have to.

Thor:
Nobody has to break anything.

Ultron:
Clearly, you've never made an omelette.

Tony:
He beat me by one second.

[Clint brings the team to his house off the grid and introduces his family]

Tony:
She's clearly an agent of some kind.

Clint:
Gentlemen, this is Laura.

Laura:
I already know all of your names.

[two children, a boy and a girl, book into the room]

Tony:
[Caught off guard] And these are…smaller agents.

Clint:
[Speaking to Lila] Look at your face! Oh, my goodness!

Laura:
Did you bring Auntie Nat?

Natasha:
Why don't ya hug her and find out? [Lila rushes to her arms]

Natasha:
How's little Natasha?

Laura:
She's…Nathaniel. [Smiles apologetically]

[Natasha leans down and glares at Laura's baby bump]

Natasha:
Traitor.

Laura:
I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, Clint said you wouldn't mind but it seems our tractor doesn't want to start at all. Thought maybe you might.

Tony:
Yeah. I'll give her a kick.

[Tony walks into the barn and approaches the tractor, a John Deere]

Tony:
Hello, Deere. Tell me everything. What ails you?

Fury:
[Stepping out of the shadows] Do me a favor. Try not to bring it to life.

[U-Gin Genetic Research Lab, Seoul, South Korea – as Dr. Helen Cho enters her lab she sees Ultron]

Ultron:
Scream, and your entire staff dies. I could’ve killed you, Helen, the night we met. I didn’t.

Cho:
Do you expect a thank you note?

Ultron:
I expect you to know why.

Cho:
The cradle.

[Cho hears her own recorded voice]

Cho:
"This is the next thing, Tony."

Ultron:
This... is the next me.

Cho:
The regeneration cradle prints tissue, it can’t build a living body.

Ultron:
It can, you can. You lacked the materials. You’re a brilliant woman, Helen. But we all have room to improve.

[Ultron uses the scepter to manipulate Cho]

[The Maximoff twins have just discovered Ultron's plan to bring about humanity's extinction; Wanda read Ultron's mind and had a vision of a meteor striking Earth]

Wanda:
[Horrified] How could you?

Ultron:
How could I what?

Wanda:
You said we would destroy the Avengers. Build a better world.

Ultron:
It will be better.

Wanda:
When everyone is dead?

Ultron:
[Angry] That is not–! [calms himself] The human race will have every opportunity to improve.

Pietro:
And if they don't?

Ultron:
Ask Noah.

Wanda:
You are a madman.

Ultron:
There were more than a dozen extinction-level events before even the dinosaurs got theirs. When the Earth starts to settle, God throws a stone at it. And believe me, He's winding up. We have to evolve. There is no room for the weak.

Pietro:
And who decides who's weak?

Ultron:
Life. Life always decides.

Tony:
No way we all get through this. If even one tin soldier is left standing, we've lost. There's going to be blood on the floor.

Rogers:
I got no plans tomorrow night.

Tony:
I get first crack at the big guy. I'm the one he's waiting for.

Vision:
[Walking past] That's true. He hates you the most.

[Iron Man confronts his creation in the Sokovian church]

Ultron:
Come to confess your sins?

Iron Man:
I don't know. How much time you got?

Ultron:
[Revealing himself] More than you.

Tony:
Have you been juicing? Little vibranium cocktail? You're looking… I don't wanna say puffy…

Ultron:
You're stalling. To protect the people.

Tony:
That is the mission. Did you forget?

Ultron:
I've moved beyond your mission. I'm free.

[Tony Stark after hitting many Hydra people with some sort of firework]

Tony Stark:
Good talk!

Some Agent:
No it wasn't!

Ultron:
I think a lot about meteors, the purity of them. Boom! The end. Start again. The world made clean for the new man to rebuild.

Tony:
[while punching a hypnotized Hulk, trying to knock him out with the Hulkbuster] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

[Hulk eventually grabs the Hulkbuster's hand, but is trapped, and they both fly away]

Tony:
OK, pal, we're gonna get you out of town. [Hulk makes them change course...] Not that way. NOT THAT WAY. [...into a building, destroying multiple windows, the fight continues] COME ON, Bruce! You gotta work with me.

[eventually, they hit an elevator full on people, but Tony saves them]

Tony:
Everybody, out! [they exit the elevator, Tony begins to swing] Going down?!

[the elevator hits Hulk, and then the Hulkbuster clocks Hulk, causing him to lose a tooth]

Tony:
[frightened for his life] I'm sorry.