Bad Boys

Captain Howard:
Ho, what did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when I said it.

Captain Howard:
Until then, until then, you are Mike Lowrey, you be him, that's what you are, you're him.

Marcus Burnett:
But I-...

Captain Howard:
You're him, I don't wanna hear it, you're him. And you, you're you, you be you, but not in front of her. You're him, you're you.

Mike Lowrey:
What the hell are you doin'?

Marcus Burnett:
Keepin' my sh*t quick.

Mike Lowrey:
Oh, I see. You aren't gettin any at home, so you got a lot of extra energy. Go ahead, burn it off.

Mike Lowrey:
Hello?

Marcus Burnett:
We're your new neighbors.

Mike Lowrey:
Don't be alarmed, we're negros.

Marcus Burnett:
Naw man, naw. There's too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound like them.

Marcus Burnett:
We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar...?

Casper:
Jesus. Could you use a smaller gun? You got blood on me again.

Mike Lowrey:
You know you drive almost slow enough to drive Miss Daisy.

Marcus Burnett:
You know I'm a better cop when I get some in the morning, I feel lighter on my feet.

Mike Lowrey:
King Dingaling.

Marcus Burnett:
Hey man where-where-where's your cup holder?

Mike Lowrey:
I don't have one.

Marcus Burnett:
What the f- w'you mean you don't have one? Eighty thousand dollars for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder?

Mike Lowrey:
It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. It's a limited edition.

Marcus Burnett:
You damn right it's limited. No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the balls just draggin' the f*** along.

Julie Mott:
I don't eat flesh.

Marcus Burnett:
Say what?

Julie Mott:
That's flesh that you're shoveling into your mouth. You know, that was, like, a living, breathing creature. You know, it probably had a name.

Marcus Burnett:
It's just bologna. My bologna has a first name.

Marcus Burnett:
This is bad. No, let me call it what is. This is f***ed up.

Marcus Burnett:
Do you see the f***in' emotion I'm goin' through right now? That means this sh*t is serious. That means me and this motherf***er's not vibin' right now. That's what that sh*t means.

Mike Lowrey:
I don't know why you going home to your wife. You got shot in the leg, your dick probably don't even work.

Mike Lowrey:
You know what man? I'm so sick of this bullshit. What, I'm supposed to APOLOGIZE for my family leaving me money? All I EVER wanted to be was a cop. I go out there and take it to the max everyday. I'm the first guy through the door and I'm always the last one to leave the crime scene. So you know what? F*** you, and f*** them, and f*** EVERYBODY that's got a problem with Mike Lowrey.

Marcus Burnett:
I love you, man.

Mike Lowrey:
F*** you Marcus.

Marcus Burnett:
I do. You're cool. You're my boy.

Mike Lowrey:
Shut up, shut up Marcus. Slow-ass driver. Drivin' like a b*tch. Slow-ass.

Marcus Burnett:
Why I gotta be all that? I'll take you and me off this f***in' cliff if you keep f***in' with me. Then it'll be what, two b*tches in the sea. Huh, is that it? Is that what you want?

Mike Lowrey:
Shut up, Marcus.

Marcus Burnett:
My wife knows I ain't no b*tch. I'm a bad boy.

Marcus Burnett:
Oh, man, that was cold.

Detective Sanchez:
Yeah, so was your mama's bed.

Store Clerk:
Freeze mother b*tches.

Fouchet:
I like it when a woman takes pride in her appearance. Don't you?

Casper:
Yeah, I hate it when a b*tch lets herself slide.

Mike Lowrey:
Please, man. Married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy.

Marcus Burnett:
Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys.

Marcus Burnett:
You forgot your boarding pass.

Marcus Burnett:
Mike. Go downstairs and have a Coke and smile.

Theresa Burnett:
And you don't even have your wedding ring on.

Marcus Burnett:
Damn. Um. Naw Naw I went undercover. And it uh required the taking off of the ring that's all for a second. But I got the ring, look I just put my hand in my pocket cos that's where it was and its right back on baby.

Marcus Burnett:
Damn. Can I get a pillow?

Marcus Burnett:
You better do something quick, 'cause we're running out of road.

Mike Lowrey:
Who picked this dumb-ass road? On the goddamn road in Miami, *you* run out of it!

Marcus Burnett:
You better come up with an idea fast!

Mike Lowrey:
Why I gotta come up with all the ideas?

Julie Mott:
Can I help you?

Theresa Burnett:
Yes, I'm here to kill my husband, Marcus Burnett.

Julie Mott:
Uh-huh, and that'd be the tall one or the short one?

Theresa Burnett:
The short one.

Julie Mott:
I thought so.

Marcus Burnett:
Damn, why am I tripping on sh*t I know is there?

Mike Lowrey:
Hey, hey, what's this having-a-picnic sh*t in my car?

Marcus Burnett:
Look man, I ain't getting my sex at home, OK? Don't deny me this.

Mike Lowrey:
What are you talking about, man? You sleep with a beautiful woman everyday.

Marcus Burnett:
I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together, but you can't get none.

Theresa Burnett:
Oh oh. Don't kiss me, Mike. I don't know where your lips were last night. Move.

Quincy Burnett:
Uncle Mike, did you have a date last night?

Mike Lowrey:
Whooo. Did I. Let me tell you, this girl was...

Theresa Burnett:
Hey hey. Don't you go telling my boys none of your sleazy sex stories.

Mike Lowrey:
Aw, no. I only tell your husband my sleazy sex stories.

Marcus Burnett:
Hey.

Theresa Burnett:
Well, I don't want him hearing either. Gives him ideas.

Marcus Burnett:
Why are you doing this to me, man? I'm with my babies. Okay? Thank you.

Detective Sanchez:
Oh, so does that make you union?

Mike Lowrey:
My sh*t always works sometimes!

Ferguson:
Watch your f***ing mouth.

Mike Lowrey:
Now that's how you supposed to drive! From now on that's how you drive!

Marcus Burnett:
He steals our sh*t, kidnaps Julie, shoots at my wife. Oh, we beatin' him down. We beatin' him DOWN!

[Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowrey walk into a basketball court to meet up with Captain Howard over last night's incident, where Howard is seen shooting the basketball badly by himself.]

Captain Howard:
Ho! What did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when I said it. I told you. I told you to secure a witness. Not to shoot up a neighborhood! Not to do another dead body! Just get the dope back, and do it quietly.

Marcus Burnett:
Look, Captain, this whole situation is getting out of control.

Captain Howard:
You're goddamn right it's getting out of control!

Marcus Burnett:
Look, man, I damn near had to pass a pop quiz before she believed I was him.

Captain Howard:
[Shoots the ball] Going, it's going...[Missed shot] Sh*t. A little off.

Mike Lowrey:
I haven't killed anybody yet today, Captain.

Captain Howard:
Hey, do you want me to yell at you? 'Cause I can do that. Let me tell you something. This witness—is my only good news I got, okay? The only good news. You guys are bad news. So what does that mean? It means if you have to be Mike Lowrey, Santa Claus, FD Hutton—I don't give a sh*t, that's what you're gonna be!

Mike Lowrey:
Wait a minute, what the hell is going on here?

Captain Howard:
[Missed another shot] I was getting them all in before you showed up.

Mike Lowrey:
Can somebody talk to me, please? Can I know what's going on?

Marcus Burnett:
Captain, these fools could have gotten a look at my license plate last night.

Captain Howard:
So where's the girl now?

Marcus Burnett:
[Points to Mike] ...His place.

Mike Lowrey:
What!?

Captain Howard:
You left her by herself? Our only f***ing witness?!

Mike Lowrey:
You left a strange hooker alone in my apartment?!

Marcus Burnett:
The girl is not a hooker, as far as I know. See, I had to stash her someplace. Her and her dogs, Luke and Dukie.

Mike Lowrey:
Oh, so y-you left dogs in my house? There's dogs and a hooker in my house? How about you add some chimps, we can have a carnival.

Marcus Burnett:
[Talking over Mike] I said she isn't a hooker. Can you please—

Mike Lowrey:
[Talking over Marcus] Respect my stuff—

Captain Howard:
Shut up!! For years, Sinclair has been up my ass, trying to pin something on me. I'm always taking it for you. Do it for me! Now, if we can get this witness to IDs our shooters, maybe we catch our bad guys. But until then—until then— [to Marcus] YOU are Mike Lowrey, you be him, that's what you are, you're him—

Marcus Burnett:
[Talking over Howard] But I—

Captain Howard:
[Talking over Marcus] You're him—I don't wanna hear it! You're him! [to Mike] And you, you're you, you be you, but...not in front of her. [to Marcus] You're him! [to Mike] You're you! [Takes another shot and misses] F***!

Mike Lowrey:
Can we get a time-out, Captain? What am I, the designated homeless?

Captain Howard:
Does it look like I care? Whatever it takes, all right? Whatever it takes. What did she say to you? The shooters are making their drop in four days? So we got four days.

Marcus Burnett:
Captain! What kind of plan is that? I can't be shacked up with that woman. I have a family to look after. My wife will kill my ass!

Captain Howard:
You don't like your job? Quit. [Missed another shot] Damn!

Mike Lowrey:
Look, I'll stay at the house with Theresa and the kids.

Marcus Burnett:
Thank you—Thank you, but no thank you. You wouldn't last five minutes with my family.

Mike Lowrey:
Please, married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy. [Picks up a basketball]

Marcus Burnett:
Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys.

Mike Lowrey:
[in position to shoot] Let's go, I got this.

Captain Howard:
Go.

[Mike's shot went in, nothing but net]

Mike Lowrey:
[Posing] Everybody wants to be like Mike. [Walks off from the court]

Captain Howard:
Yeah, and you're going to be retired like him, too.

Marcus Burnett:
[Walks off from the court] I'd have dunked it on your ass...

Mike Lowrey:
What the hell are you doin'?

[Mike, Marcus, and Julie start arguing, nobody paying attention to his gun; Julie just walks out]

Store Clerk:
Hey, freeze b*tch!

[as he points the gun her way, in a flash Mike and Marcus stop arguing and point their guns at his head]

Mike Lowrey:
You freeze, b*tch!

Store Clerk:
Oh, sh*t! I'm f***ed.

Mike Lowrey:
Now back up, put the gun down, and get me a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.

Marcus Burnett:
And some Skittles.

[Marcus, eating a sandwich, sits with Julie at a computer desk as they flip through the mugshots]

Julie Mott:
[Half-tired] No...no...no...

Marcus Burnett:
[Notices Julie staring at his sandwich] Want some?

Julie Mott:
No, thanks. I don't eat flesh.

Marcus Burnett:
Say what?

Julie Mott:
That's flesh that you're shoveling into your mouth. You know, that was, like, a living, breathing creature. You know, it probably had a name.

Marcus Burnett:
It's just bologna. My bologna has a first name?

Julie Mott:
Actually, your bologna, has about thirty names because they take odd parts from all different ones, like the leftovers: The hooves and stomach lining...

[Marcus starts to feel grossed out as Julie explains]

Julie Mott:
...ears, stuff like that. They put it into this machine and grind it all up. Then out comes this sheet. That's what you're eating now.

Marcus Burnett:
[Loss of appetite] You know what? I won't eat bologna no more. How about a pickle? Can I eat the pickle?

Julie Mott:
It has a lot of salt in it, but it's fine. It is a vegetable.

Marcus Burnett:
A lot of salt in the pickle? Let me rinse it off.

[Washes the pickle in the soda]

Marcus Burnett:
There we go. [Takes a bite out of the rinsed pickle] How's that?

Julie Mott:
[To the mugshots] Just keep going.

Marcus Burnett:
I don't even taste the salt now.

Store Clerk:
[pointing gun at Mike] I blow you! [points gun at Marcus] And I blow you!

Marcus Burnett:
Blow me? What the f***? Naw-naw. Hump me, all right?

Mike Lowrey:
[to the White Carjacker holding a gun to his head] Let me tell you how bad a day you're having: right now you're jacking a couple of cops.

White Carjacker:
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a stand-up comedian. And I suck! That's why I need your car.

Marcus Burnett:
Look, now I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid ass friends, that drive stupid ass cars, that attract a lot of mother f***in' attention!

Mike Lowrey:
You know what, I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy ass head that's what I need to do.

Marcus Burnett:
Well, you know what you're arguin' over a mother f***in' french fry.

Mike Lowrey:
It's not about the french fry, it's about your lack of respect for other people's property!

White Carjacker:
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

Black Carjacker:
Shut the f*** up!

Marcus Burnett:
[to Black Carjacker] Hold the f*** on! [to Mike] You want some bad enough, come get some!

[Marcus suddenly throws coke in the Black Carjacker's face and kicks him in the crotch, while Mike punches the White Carjacker in the face]

Marcus Burnett:
[Pointing gun at the Black Carjacker, who is on the ground] You like that sh*t? Wesley Snipes, "Passenger 57"! Now gimme a motherfuckin' Handy Wipe!

Mike Lowrey:
[Pointing gun at the White Carjacker, who is on the ground] Now let's hear one of those jokes, b*tch.

Marcus Burnett:
[while pursuing Fouchet, who is up ahead in a roadster] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law.

Mike Lowrey:
Yo man, what the f*** are you doing?

Marcus Burnett:
Getting it out the way.

Marcus Burnett:
[trying to imitate Mike] Hello, this is Mike Low-rey.

Captain Howard:
He doesn't talk that way. Try to talk like him, like him! Try to talk sexy. Sexy, you don't talk sexy enough!

Marcus Burnett:
Cap, Cap! I've been there.

[Driving the "ice-cream truck"]

Marcus Burnett:
What am I smellin'?

Mike Lowrey:
Just drive!

Marcus Burnett:
What am I smellin'?!

Julie Mott:
[Sees barrels hanging in the back of the van. Reads the label] Ether. Extremely flammable ether. Oh, sh*t!

Mike Lowrey:
Goddamn.

Marcus Burnett:
Oh, you-you-you-you da man. Oh you're the f***in' man tonight! How'd you go and pick an ice-cream truck that's a damn bomb!

Stake-out crook:
Watching the place was my first gig.

Detective Sanchez:
Oh, so does that make you union?

Marcus Burnett:
[to Mike] I'm not understanding, I-I really don't.

Store Clerk:
[pointing gun at Marcus] Shut up!

Marcus Burnett:
I mean, do you just attract violence?

[Cell phone rings, Casper answers it]

Casper:
Hello.

Mike Lowrey:
Yeah, can I speak to Romeo?

Casper:
No, there ain't no Romeo here, a**hole.

[Ferguson laughs]

Casper:
[to Ferguson] What the f*** are you laughing at?

Det. Marcus Burnett:
[to Fletch] If you don't sit your lanky ass down right now, bottom-line, I will knock you the f*** out!

Det. Mike Lowrey:
[on Captain Howard and Captain Sinclair, having another vicious argument] They should just bone and get that sh*t over with.

Det. Mike Lowrey:
Marcus, I just have one question for ya bro. How the hell you gonna leave my ass at a gun fight to go get the car?!