Balls of Fury

Master Wong:
It is better to die like a tiger, than to live like a p*ssy.

Maggie Wong:
I'm trying to sacrifice my life for our love. Stop being such a dick!

Feng:
[inviting Randy on a private tour] I won't bite... not anywhere that'll show.

Feng:
Represent.

Feng:
What part of "sudden death" didn't you understand?

Feng:
Less talkie-talkie, more ping-pong.

Master Wong:
Ping Pong... is not the macarena. It takes patience. She is like a fine, well-aged prostitute... it takes years to learn her tricks. [chuckles] She is cruel, laughs at you when you are naked, but you keep coming back for more, and more! Why? Because she is the only prostitute I can afford.

Karl Wolfschtagg:
You are so close to defeat that it already reeks of your cheap cologne.

Master Wong:
[smirks] The joke's on you, pretty boy. It's not cologne, it's lady speed stick.

Randy Daytona:
[sees a man standing up] Hey, a volunteer! How you doing buddy? [takes his ping pong ball and paddle and starts bouncing the ball of the guy's face]

Cheese'N'Mac Guy:
[as Randy is bouncing the ball of his face] I was just going for more Cheese 'n Mac.

Cheese'N'Mac Guy:
[Randy keeps bouncing the ball of his face and then his stomach. The guy trys to protect himself with his plate but can't] Stop!

Randy Daytona:
[finally catches the ball] Hoooooooeeeeeee! A-thank you!

Cheese'N'Mac Guy:
[collapses from a heart attack]

Randy Daytona:
[as The Hammer keeps making weird hand gestures] I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

Agent Ernie Rodriquez:
I'm still trying to figure out if it's a dude or a chick.

Master Wong:
Maggie! Your temper brings dishonor to my happy mushu palace.

Karl Wolfschtagg:
So, we meet again. The years have not been kind to you; I will not be either.

Karl Wolfschtagg:
Daytona, I have said some cruel things about you. To my friends here at the tournament, I tell them that the reason that you hate me so much, is because I had sex with your mother.

Randy Daytona:
My mother died when I was two. I hardly knew her.

Karl Wolfschtagg:
Yeah I know it's a horrible thing to say. And yet these things that I say over and over again... I do not mean them. Because in truth, you are the greatest player I have ever scene. Other than myself, practicing in front of a mirror. Which I do... everyday... in the nude. I'm sorry for you, that your papa is not here to see you. I think he would be very proud of you.

Randy Daytona:
Yeah.

Karl Wolfschtagg:
So proud of you, that he would probably bet the money on you again. I could use the cash! Haha. Tell your dead parents I said "What's Up?"

Gary:
[the building is about to self destruct] I'm gonna save the panda! [runs offscreen] Ahhh! [runs back on screen] Panda's dead! [runs away]

Maggie Wong:
[in Chinese] Focus on your balls not my b*obs!

Asian Guy With Gun:
[when Randy first arrives at his room] Hello, can I interest you in some Altoids, or some Axe Body Spray?

Feng:
Ping pong, or as the Chinese say: "Ping pong".

Karl Wolfschtagg:
[after stepping on Randy's paddle] Whoops. Clumsy clumsy hippos.

Agent Ernie Rodriquez:
I'm from the FBI.

Randy Daytona:
Whoa man. I didn't mean to kill that guy. How was I supposed to know he had a bad heart?

Agent Ernie Rodriquez:
Hey. I'm not here for that. I thought that was part of the act. Until the paramedics came I was laughing my ass off.

Person in crowd:
You suck!

Karl Wolfschtagg:
Hey, that stings. Come on who said that?

Feng:
Sports, members, bandits alike.

Randy Daytona:
Never hug a man with a million bucks worth of hardware up his crack. Whew!

Master Wong:
Welcome to the underbelly of ping-pong where fortunes are won and lost. I'm exaggerating, of course, but you get my point.

Feng:
Stop! This is Boring! Kill them Both! We're missing Antiques Roadshow!

Feng:
Please! These are Collectors' Items! Well, some of them are replicas. But still, they're Limited Edition Replicas!

Feng:
Turning his Protege to the Dark Side...! A real Kodak Moment, don't you think?

Feng:
Ladies and Gentlemen. Athletes. I bid you Toodles.