Bananas

Fielding Mellish:
I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

Fielding Mellish:
You're busy tonight?

Norma:
Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies.

Fielding Mellish:
You need an usher?

Nancy:
Would you like to volunteer for the Volunteers for San Marcos?

Nancy:
Have you ever been to Denmark?

Fielding Mellish:
I've been, yes... to the Vatican.

Nancy:
The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.

Fielding Mellish:
Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.

Fielding Mellish:
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Sharon Craig:
Differences of views should be tolerated, but not when they are too different. Then he becomes a subversive mother.

Fielding Mellish:
Blood! That should be on the inside!

Fielding Mellish:
You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.

Fielding Mellish:
When is the revolution?

Esposito:
Six months.

Fielding Mellish:
Six months? I have a rented car!

Fielding Mellish:
Doing a sociological study on perversion. I'm up to Advanced Child Molesting.

Nancy:
May I ask... what do you do?

Fielding Mellish:
I'm a product tester for a large corporation. I make sure products are safe and practical. Today I tested an exercise machine, and an electrically warm toilet seat for cold days.

Fielding Mellish:
I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.

Nancy:
I know just what you mean!

Fielding Mellish:
That's very wise, you know...? That's, I think, pithy.

Nancy:
It was pithy. It had... great pith.

Fielding Mellish:
Yeth. Pith.

Fielding Mellish:
You don't have hostility to the male sex, do you?

Nancy:
Oh, Women's Lib do not automatically mean castration.

Fielding Mellish:
Oooh, don't say that word! Now I've got to walk around like this for two days!

Nancy:
Oh, I know! You know, I'm the same way on that word "appendicitis". Ooh.

Fielding Mellish:
Oooh, but "castration"...!

Nancy:
"Castration", "appendicitis", either one!

Fielding Mellish:
I had a good relationship with my parents. They rarely every h-... I think they hit me only once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, they, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December in 1942, and stopped beating me in the late Spring of '44.

Fielding Mellish:
I was a nervous child - I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, uh, I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself...

Nancy:
I have to tell you something, and I don't know how to break it. Oh, Fielding...

Fielding Mellish:
Why? Is something the matter? Am I... am I... Have you seen X-rays of me?

Nancy:
I want to work with pygmies in Africa! I want to work with lepers in a leper colony! I don't think that you...

Fielding Mellish:
I'm willing to...! No, it's perfectly okay with me! I like leprosy! If that's what you're asking me... I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera! I like all the major skin diseases!

Fielding Mellish:
Jesus, life is so cruel!

Fielding Mellish:
See what I mean?

Fielding Mellish:
We fell in love. Well, I fell in love - she just stood there.

Fielding Mellish:
I move for a mistrial! This is discrimination! Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on the jury?

Judge:
Yes there is.

Fielding Mellish:
Really, which one? Is it the big guy on the end?

Don Dunphy:
Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports is in the republic of San Marcos where we are going to bring you a live on the spot assassination. They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country and replace him with a military dictatorship.

Howard Cosell:
The door opens. It's El Presidente waving at the crowd. A shot rings out! He turns and runs back to the building. The crowd has gone wild. He is caught in a crossfire of bullets. And down! It's over! It's all over for El Presidente!

Esposito:
From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!

Fielding Mellish:
What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?

Fielding Mellish:
I'm not suited to this job. Where do I come off testing products? Machines hate me. I should be working at a job I have some aptitude for, like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.

Esposito:
You have a chance to die for freedom.

Fielding Mellish:
Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.

Don Dunphy:
Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports is in the little republic of San Marcos where we're going to bring you a live, on the spot assassination. They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country and replace him with a military dictatorship. And everybody is about as excited and tense as can be. The weather on this Sunday afternoon is perfect; and if you've just joined us, we've seen a series of colorful riots that started with the traditional bombing of the American embassy - a ritual as old as the city itself.

Howard Cosell:
This is tremendous, Don, just tremendous. The atmosphere heavy, uncertain, overtones of ugliness. A reminder, in a way, of how it was in March of 1964 at Miami Beach when Clay met Liston for the first time and nobody was certain how it would turn out. The crowd is tense; they've been here since ten this morning. And... and I think I see... the door beginning to open. El Presidente may be coming out. The door opens. It's he... it's El Presidente waving at the crowd. A shot rings out! He turns... he runs back toward the building, trying to get in. This crowd is going wild. He's caught in a crossfire of bullets. And down! It's over! It's all over for El Presidente!

Fielding Mellish:
I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.

Nancy:
I know just what you mean! ]

Fielding Mellish:
I've read Kierkegaard.

Nancy:
Oh, well, he's Danish.

Fielding Mellish:
Yes... he would be the first to admit it.

Nancy:
You're immature, Fielding.

Fielding Mellish:
[whining] How am I immature?

Nancy:
Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.

Fielding Mellish:
Yeah, but what other ways?

Rebel Leader:
You are accused of killing over a thousand people in your term of office... of torturing hundreds of women and children. How do you plead?

Diaz:
Guilty... with an explanation.

Prosecutor:
Tell the court why you think he is a traitor to this country.

Miss America:
I think Mr. Mellish is a traitor to this country because his views are different from the views of the president and others of his kind. Differences of opinion should be tolerated, but not when they're too different. Then he becomes a subversive mother.

Fielding Mellish:
I object, Your Honor! This trial is a travesty! It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham! I call a mistrial Your Honor! Do you realize there is not one homosexual in the jury?

Judge:
Yes there is!

Fielding Mellish:
Really? Which one? Is it that big guy at the end?

Witness:
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.

Fielding Mellish:
Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?

Court Clerk:
"I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."

Fielding Mellish:
OK, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.

Fielding Mellish:
Although the United States is, uh, a very rich country and San Marcos is a very poor one, there are a great many things we have to offer your country in return for aid. For instance, there, uh, there are locusts. Uh, we have more locusts than...uh, locusts of all races and creeds. These, these locusts, incidentally, are available at popular prices. And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos...despite the tiny size of our nation, few people realize that we lead the world in hernias. They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country, he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease which today can be cured with one shot of penicillin.

Fielding Mellish:
Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for, Hitler?

News Anchor:
Today's top stories: The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor, New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage, and the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing.