Batman: Arkham Asylum

The Joker:
[on the asylum television sets] *I'm* in control of the asylum. You're not going anywhere I don't want you to. Understand?

Batman:
If you think I'll let you run...

The Joker:
Blah, blah, blah! Always with the hero speak! I'm getting bored of watching you. Why don't you just come find me?

The Joker:
Welcome to the madhouse, Batman! I set a trap and you sprang it gloriously! Now let's get this party started.

The Joker:
Hey Bats, go easy on him, hmmm? For me...? Oh hell, why do I care? Do your worst!

The Joker:
I want everyone to know that I really appreciate all the hard work. You know, watching you guys is like a night in, watching my favorite movie. What was the name of that movie again? Oh, yes. Attack of the stupid bungling idiots who can't find an bigger idiot running around dressed like a bat! Now get to it! [yawns] I'm getting bored.

The Joker:
Come on boys! He's just one man! One man dressed like a lunatic and armed to the teeth. [laughs] Go get him!

The Joker:
[after Batman has defeated yet another group of henchmen] He's taken out all of you AGAIN...? What does it take? An army of *monsters*? [laughter]

The Joker:
Ah, it's always nice to return to my sweet little ha-ha-hacienda.

The Joker:
[Over the P.A. system] Ding d-ding, dong! Joker here! Here's what's new in the asylum... Some idiot is running around the asylum, dressed like a bat...! I know! Crazy! He should be considered costumed and dangerous. [laughter]

The Joker:
[after Batman has taken out all of the Joker's guards] You...! Oh, why you...! Oh, Batman... I'm really gonna have to hunt you down and kill you one of these days! [laughter]

The Joker:
[Batman is taking out the Joker's guards, one by one] Come on, Bats! Leave 'em alone! For me...? Be your best friend!

[laughter]

Oracle:
[Over Batman's earpiece] Ok, done! The Batmobile is still parked up outside the Intensive Treatment building in Arkham North. I've sent you the schematics for the entire island. I've marked key locations, like your car.

Batman:
[Batman finds the Joker] There's no escape, Joker! I will find you!

The Joker:
Oh, I'm counting on it! Just not yet!

The Joker:
[over the P.A] Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!

The Joker:
[Over P.A System, about Batman] Remember guys, he may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot.

The Joker:
[as he is being transferred to his cell, the elevator comes up carrying Killer Croc] Can you smell the excitement in the air? No? Hmm... must have been one of the guards, then. Croc, old boy, is that you?

Frank Boles:
Get ready: keep your weapons trained on it at all times.

Guard:
He looks angry. [Croc stands] Man, that thing looks pissed.

Frank Boles:
What's it doing?

Killer Croc:
[Croc sniffs the air, then lurches forward] I've got your scent, Batman. I will hunt you down!

Louie Green:
Power up the collar! Get that animal under control! Now! Get that thing outta here, now!

Killer Croc:
[Croc is shocked with the collar] A toy collar won't stop me from killing you, Batman. I'll rip you apart, eat your bones... [he is taken away]

The Joker:
That reminds me, I really need to get me some new shoes.

Dr. Penelope Young:
Patient Interview #39, July 29th. Patient's name is Edward Nigma. Mr. Nigma, tell us about your childhood.

Riddler:
Miserable. Next?

Dr. Penelope Young:
But I'm sure that's when your fascination in riddles began.

Riddler:
Very well. My father hated me. He always called me a moron.

Dr. Penelope Young:
I see.

Riddler:
I was determined to prove him wrong. So I entered a contest at school. A $20 prize to the kid who can solve an almost impossible logic problem. And I won, of course.

Dr. Penelope Young:
And did that please your father?

Riddler:
Hardly. He was convinced that I had cheated. He kept yelling, "You must have cheated! Admit it, you moron, you cheated!" I swore to him that I didn't, and he hit me for lying.

Dr. Penelope Young:
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Riddler:
Don't be. He was right.

The Joker:
Let's talk about employee relations, Bats. Harley disappointed me and now she's out the picture. Gone. Forgotten. Dead to me. You get the picture. What's it like in your organization? Do you punish your hired help who fail you, or is making him wear that saucy outfit punishment enough?

The Joker:
Note to self, need more henchman, good ones this time.

The Joker:
These are my best men, Bats. I won't stop until you're dead, or they are.

[laughter]

Commissioner Gordon:
You took longer than I expected.

Batman:
Joker's out of control, he's trying to prove something. I'm not sure I can stop him this time.

Commissioner Gordon:
You'll do it. Listen, Batman, we're not alone. He's got someone down there...

The Joker:
What a blabbermouth! Spoiling the suprise!

Batman:
Be quiet.

The Joker:
Am I getting to you? Am I? Good.

The Joker:
This island is under my control! That's right, boys and girls! Mine, mine, mine, mine! Oh, the plans I have for this place. It's going to be glorious!

The Joker:
[to his goons] Don't worry guys,you can beat Batman, you're the best, at least the best I could find on such short notice

The Joker:
[to his goons] Harley tells me the Batman's car is still parked right outside Intensive Treatment. We can't have him up and leave us! Every thug, villain, murderer and kindergarten teacher that isn't carrying out party orders should head there now and smash it to pieces!

The Joker:
[to Guard Aaron Cash] There'll be time soon enough for you Cash, speaking of time, tick tock, tick tock. Is that a crocodile I hear?

The Joker:
Paging Dr Bat, paging Dr Bat, is there a Dr Bat in the room?

The Joker:
[Over the P.A. system] Tell me Bats. What are you really scared of? Failing to save this cesspool of a city? Not finding the Commissioner in time? Me, in a thong?

Poison Ivy:
You will pay, Batman. For hurting my babies.

The Joker:
Oh God... Does she ever stop going on about those plants of hers?

Poison Ivy:
When I finish with Batman, I'll be coming after you, Joker!

The Joker:
Will you really. Well, that's gratitude, isn't it? Women! You give'em presents, experimental chemicals and nice costumes and they still turn on you.

Batman:
I'm fine. I eat punks like these for breakfast.

The Joker:
[as they move through the weapons check] Oooh! What did you sneak in, Bats? You can tell me. Batarangs? Batclaws? Batsnacks?

Riddler:
What? You're nearly done? Are you cheating? Looking them up on the internet? Tell me.

Oracle:
[after hearing Joker's latest plan] My God! Is Joker crazy enough to try that...? What am I saying? You've got to stop him!

The Joker:
[Joker has just injected himself with Titan] I can take it... I can take anything you throw at me, Bats. You can't beat me this time, I'm actually going to win! Ready for the next round?

Batman:
Always.

The Joker:
*What*?

Batman:
I'll never let you win. *Never*!

The Joker:
Ding dong. Warden Joker would like to announce that as of today, all Arkham guards have been fired due to budget cuts.

Henry Smith:
[Sitting on chair] I told 'em. He's a monster. They should fry him.

The Scarecrow:
What are you, Batman? Chicken?

Young Gordon:
Come on, kid, this way. Take a seat in my office.

Cop #1:
Is he okay?

Cop #2:
He'll be fine. Kid like that, with all that money? He'll be just fine.

Young Gordon:
Shut up, now! He's eight years old and all alone! Money won't fix that.

Cop #2:
Whatever you say, Gordon. His butler's on his way to pick him up. You hear that? He's got a butler.

Young Gordon:
I'm sorry about that. I just need to ask you some questions. Can I get you anything? You okay?

[silence]

Young Gordon:
I know you don't feel like answering me, but it's the only way to catch who did this.

Young Bruce Wayne:
[crying] Why did he do it, Officer? Why?

Young Gordon:
I don't know. It's this city, there's something wrong with it. And listen, son, call me Jim.

The Joker:
[after Bane throws Batman through a brick wall] Play nice, Ladies.

The Joker:
How about a hand for Mr. Cash? He could sure use one. Ha ha ha.

Aaron Cash:
You'll be laughing out of your butt when I get out of here!

The Joker:
Lighten up, homes. I'm just messin' with ya.

Aaron Cash:
Can't wait to return the favor.

The Scarecrow:
You married your wife because you were scared of dying alone. You had children because you're scared you won't leave behind anything important. You go to doctors because you're scared of dying... need I go on?

The Scarecrow:
You've ingested enough toxin to drive 10 men insane! What ARE you?

Scarface:
Our head of research, Dr. Crane, has made no real progress, but he seems to enjoy his work so, what the hell.

Scarface:
When I first heard the Joker aimed to take over this bughouse, like many of us, I thought he was crazy. When he outlined his vision of a hospital dedicated to ensuring inmates remain loopy for as long as possible, I thought he was wacky. But when he held me down and razor cut a new smile on my face, I decided he had a point; Situated in a small island in Gotham Bay, we stop at nothing to making sure no screwballs fly the coop.

Batman:
Harley Quinn tried to slow me down. Dropped an elevator on me.

Oracle:
Did it work?

Batman:
Of course not.

The Scarecrow:
Is your mind playing tricks on you... or am I?

Scarface:
Our new patient ward is "manned" by Waylon Jones. I'm assured that he's cured almost every patient sent to him, and boasts empty beds in all his wards.

The Scarecrow:
Are you enjoying the extra dose, little Bat?

Batman:
Oracle, we've got another problem.

Oracle:
[annoyed] What now? Two Face? Riddler? Some giant Joker robot?

Batman:
Unfortunately nothing that simple.

Quincy Sharp:
Let me go, you crazy b*tch.

Harley Quinn:
Ooh, Sharpy used a bad word. Mama spank.

Quincy Sharp:
Aah! AAAAAH! Aaah!

Bane:
I will break you, Batman, then the bruja!

Batman:
No, Bane, this time I break YOU.

Thomas Wayne:
I can't believe you insisted on sitting through that movie again, Bruce. Come on, we'll be late for Alfred.

Young Bruce Wayne:
I'm sorry, Daddy.

Martha Wayne:
Go easy on him, Tom. He loved it so.

The Scarecrow:
[in disbelief, as Batman continues to resist the fear toxin] How are you doing this? You've ingested enough toxins to drive 10 men insane! What *are* you?

Riddler:
You seem distressed, Doctor. Anything you could use my help with?

Dr. Penelope Young:
No thank you, Edward. I'm here to help you. We all are.

Riddler:
Forgive my arrogance, Doctor, but if you think I need your help, well, you're in the right place.

The Joker:
[during a patient interview] He's crazy, you know.

Harley Quinn:
Who, Batman?

The Joker:
No, Santa Claus. Of course Batman! Always Batman!

The Joker:
Need to take my temperature? I'd be happy to drop my pants.

Batman:
Tell me something, you've never let me capture you this easily. What are you really planning?

The Joker:
Oh, nothing much. Hundreds dying in pain and fear, all their meaningless lives brought to a horrifying conclusion. All thanks to you and a book of matches. Was that the answer you wanted?

Riddler:
I am Edward Nygma. The world's greatest detective.

Riddler:
It's the E. Nygma Show!

Riddler:
Hi-diddle-diddle, time for a riddle?

Dr. Penelope Young:
That's horrible. How can you joke about that?

Riddler:
Easy, Doctor, it's not my baby.

Batman:
The Titan water appears corrosive, but it shouldn't trouble the suit.

The Scarecrow:
Why fight it, Batman? You're as crazy as the rest of us. You need us just as much as we need you.

The Joker:
Listen, no more tricks. Just one last puzzle and you can have Gordon, and a little more. Oh ho, I can't wait.

Oracle:
[reading an exchange between Dr. Young and Joker] She's begging to stop the experiment, saying it's too dangerous. Joker's not listening... random threats to her family, a couple of bad jokes... a picture of a dead baby and a threat.

Batman:
Go on.

Oracle:
He says "I'm coming for you. I want what I paid for." Then a joke about wheelchairs. Lovely. And a drawing of some kind of donkey.

Batman:
No mystery why she's so scared. I'm heading up to the surface. I'll find her.

Batman:
Oracle, I've found Dr. Young's formula.

Oracle:
Great, does that mean you've stopped Joker?

Batman:
It's never this simple with him.

Victor Zsasz:
I see anything that looks even a LITTLE BIT like a bat and this guard DIES. Do you hear me?

The Joker:
[as he is brought into the asylum] Hey, Sharpie. Love what you've done with the place.

Quincy Sharp:
That's *Warden* Sharp to you.

Batman:
These platforms should support me, but will also send sound waves through the water, giving away my position to Croc. I'll need to move as slowly as possible.

Riddler:
[Batman collects trophy] So, you found it at last. What have you been doing with your time?

Dr. Gretchen Whistler:
[during a patient interview] Hello. My name is Dr. Gretchen Whistler. Do you understand me?

Killer Croc:
Yeah, I hear you, b*tch. So when's dinner? I'm hungry.

Bane:
I will fold you like paper!

The Joker:
I said I wanted him stopped, and no one listened! It's like you don't want an outbreak of Titan-enhanced mutant babies climbing over Gotham!

Harley Quinn:
Ooh, that's gotta hoit!

The Joker:
What's that you got there, Bats? No! Not the formula! What am I going to do? Who can help me now? What's that? How about our old friend Zsasz? Well I did bump into him on the way back from the gardens where he was no doubt acting out some twisted fantasy. Maybe he can get her talking? I think he probably can. Great plan, Bats!

Harley Quinn:
This old man looks like he's gonna pee himself. Someone bring me a bucket.

Commissioner Gordon:
Shame about your car. Can I give you a ride?

Batman:
Thanks, Jim, but I have one on the way.

Commissioner Gordon:
Get some rest. You deserve it.

Dispatch:
[over radio] All units, all units, the Gotham National Bank was just robbed by Harvey Dent, a.k.a. Two Face...

Batman:
Stay safe, Jim. [grapples up to the Batwing and flies away]

Killer Croc:
I will find you!

Killer Croc:
So, is this the part where you try and reason with me? Figure out why I did it, DOC?

The Joker:
Oh, there you are. I was just listening to Zsasz making the good doctor scream while you played around in Scarecrow's world. How was it this time? Learn anything about yourself? Come on, tell me, I'm all ears. Actually, that reminds me, I could have sworn I heard Zsasz cutting her ears off. It certainly sounded like it.

The Joker:
Oh, Harley was just a warm-up, Bats. And to be fair, to the little scamp, she did an okay job. Let's call it a B+. But between you and me, I'm aiming for the A grade.

The Joker:
Just got to mix a couple more of these chemicals and I'll be creating my own personal army! Ha!

Quincy Sharp:
As of ten minutes ago, I have made it illegal to walk on the floor in any part of the asylum. Anyone caught doing so will... oh, this is stupid. I... Aah! Um, will have their legs removed and perform magic tricks for Emperor Joker. There, I did it. I... Aah!

The Joker:
You do not listen to me! I wanted him stopped, but you let him through! Try harder or I'll... I'll hurt you... badly.

The Scarecrow:
Hello, Stephen, how are you today?

Dr. Stephen Kellerman:
I keep telling you, this is MY session.

The Scarecrow:
It was your session, Doctor. But not anymore.

Guard:
Doc, are you okay?

The Scarecrow:
[before Kellerman can respond] Oh he's fine. Just questioning his grip on reality. You should be doing the same any time now.

Batman:
[after taking out Zsasz] Someone put this animal back in his cell!

Riddler:
You are beginning to impress me, Batman. I'll let you help me find my socks if you keep this up.

Riddler:
You forget, Doctor, I'M the one who asks the riddles.

The Joker:
Having a little trouble up there?

Batman:
Joker.

The Joker:
You were expecting maybe Two Face?

The Joker:
Wee! Great night for a party.

Batman:
Not where you're going.

The Joker:
The night is young, Bats. I still have a trick or two up my sleeve. I mean, don't you think it's a little bit funny how a fire at Blackgate caused hundreds of my crew to be moved here?

Frank Boles:
I thought I told you to stay quiet!

The Joker:
Oh Frankie, you really should learn to keep that fat mouth of yours shut. It'll get you into trouble.

The Joker:
Yawn-a-rooney. We both know you eat punks like that for breakfast. I've got some real surprises in store for you.

The Scarecrow:
[When Batman loses to Scarecrow] And at the end of fear, oblivion.

Riddler:
What? You found 75% of my challenges? This can't be right.

Riddler:
Can you hear me, Batman? I know you can. It is I, Edward Nygma, the Riddler, and more importantly, your intellectual superior. My genius has allowed me to hack into your primative communications. Ha ha. My goal is simple: you complete a series of amusingly taxing challenges and... well, you'll see.

The Joker:
Can you smell the excitement in the air? No? Hmm, musta been one of the guards then.

The Joker:
Has anyone seen the Bat? Come on, someone must have seen where he went. Big scary man, wears a cape, jumps out of the shadows and beats up useless thugs. Anyone? No? Ha, good.

The Joker:
Hey, Bats, I know you can hear me. I want you to hurt these guys. They're nothing to me!

Henchman #1:
Is he dead?

Henchman #2:
I think so.

Henchman #3:
When did he die?

Henchman #2:
Probably after you shot him.

Henchman #1:
That'll do it. Ya hungry?

Henchman #1:
That guy freaks me out.

Henchman #3:
Me too.

Henchman #2:
What's he doing down here anyway? Why does the boss let him walk around the place? I don't trust him.

Henchman #3:
Just another distraction for the Bat, which suits me fine.

Henchman #2:
What do you mean?

Henchman #1:
He means, if the Bat is looking for Scarecrow, he's not bothering us, and we may just get out of here in one piece.

Henchman #3:
Good plan.

The Joker:
[after Batman has defeated yet another group of henchmen] Did I tell you I was going to kill each henchman who failed to beat you? No? Oh, sorry, musta slipped my mind.

The Joker:
Anyone feeling a little stressed down there? Your heart racing? Well, get a grip and stop the Bat, or I'll fix your blood pressure... PERMANENTLY!

Henchman #2:
He's gonna get me, I know he is. Why'd I agree to this? [Terrified in a Predator room]

The Joker:
Seeing as how I'm feeling generous, I'm going to give you a free shot! Shoot me now, and finish it all forever! [Batman draws his Batarang... and stops himself]

The Joker:
You're just too predictable, Batsy. Must go! Party preparations, I'm inviting EVERYONE...

The Joker:
[the Joker plays with the Scarface puppet, as Batman approaches him] Why didn't you stop Batman?

Scarface:
[puppeted by Joker] *Me*? It was *your* plan, you goofy clown!

The Joker:
Ah! I'm sending you back to the Ventriloquist where you belong! [throws Scarface away]

The Joker:
[to Batman] You had to spoil everything: beating up Bane, feeding Scarecrow to Croc, slapping around Harley, *my* hobby, by the way, and ruining all my lovely Venom plants!

Batman:
It's over, Joker.

The Joker:
Over? Why, my dear delusional Dark Knight, it hasn't even begun.

Dr. Gretchen Whistler:
[patient interview tapes] Patient interview, Waylon Jones. Progress has been slow. What happened back in that house?

Killer Croc:
Just business.

Dr. Gretchen Whistler:
Business? What kind of business practices result in a house full of mutilated corpses?

Killer Croc:
I don't like having my time wasted. Someone doesn't pay, they need a lesson. They owed me.

Dr. Gretchen Whistler:
So you killed them. Tore up their bodies. The police never found all the pieces.

Killer Croc:
They should have looked in the sewers.

Dr. Gretchen Whistler:
Are you saying you hid them there?

Killer Croc:
After a while. Usually takes about eight hours. [cackles cruelly]

[first lines]

Dispatch:
All units proceed to Gotham City Hall. The Joker has been apprehended. Batman is now en route to Arkham Island.

The Joker:
[as he is carried away to Patient Handover] Sharpie loves his cameras. Hey Sharpie, ya gettin' my good side? Ah, but heck, they're *all* good, aren't they?

Quincy Sharp:
I want him securely locked away this time. Another escape and I will lose support for my mayoral campaign.

The Joker:
Look at all this new security: how's a guy supposed to break out of here?

Janitor Carl Todd:
Stop, please! I'm not important. I can't help you.

Henchman #1:
You're lucky the boss don't want you hurt too bad. Said something about you being the perfect bait. Don't get it, you're nothing special. Who's gonna save you?

Henchman #4:
Yeah. And just in case someone does decide to try, we're ready and waiting.

Janitor Carl Todd:
But Batman will stop you. You know he will.

Henchman #1:
The Bat. I'm not scared of the Bat. You see Hego over there? He has a thing for blades.

Henchman #1:
[At the beginning of a predator section] Batman's as good as dead.

Henchman #4:
Those guards didn't put up much of a fight.

Henchman #8:
Joker was right, this is easy.

Henchman #4:
Bring it on!

Henchman #8:
They don't stand a chance.

Henchman #8:
Well, look who it is.

Henchman #2:
Yeah, big, bad Batman, come on, tough guy! Come and get us!

Henchman #8:
Oh, look at him, stuck out there. Ain't you got a cat to rescue from a tree or something?

Henchman #2:
[laughs] That's right, go on, get lost, we're in control. Joker will finish you off.

Henchman #2:
Yeah, I can't believe Batman just left.

Henchman #8:
Yeaaaah, the stinkin coward limped off, cape between his legs!

Henchman #8:
But he tried to get through it, take him on. He wouldn't stand a chance.

Henchman #2:
Yeah, yeah me too! I'd rip his head off.

Henchman #8:
Guest list only! If your name's not on the list, you ain't going in.

Henchman #8:
Let's see, uh... A no, that's not right... B... B... Bane... Ah! Here it is, Batman! Hey! Look's like you're the guest of honor!

Henchman #8:
Give him a big welcome, guys!

Henchman #6:
[Cheers] Yeah! Do it! Way to go!

Henchman #3:
[Cheers] Yeah! Woo hoo hoo! Ah hah! Oh yeah!

The Joker:
Are they ready? Have you planted the explosives yet?

Henchman #6:
Done!

Henchman #4:
Razor's just finishing his off now.

The Joker:
Goood. Let's test em out!

Razor:
No! No! I'm still up... [Screams and falls off the gargoyle]

The Joker:
Ooops. [laughs]

Razor:
Joker never said anything about this part of the plan!

Razor:
[Batman cuts the rope he's hanging from with the batarang] Haha! Ahh! Haha! Ahh! haha!

Commissioner Gordon:
Bane said Dr. Young was a "bruja". What does that mean?

Batman:
It's Spanish for "witch".