Batman: The Brave and the Bold

King Tut:
Feel the wrath of Osiris!

[hits Batman and Robin with optic blast]

King Tut:
By the power of Horus, it's not possible!

Batman:
Sorry, Pharaoh.

Robin:
Our wrappings are covered in buttermilk, the one thing that repels Pharaoh rays.

Superman:
Mr. Mxyzptlk!

Mr. Mxyzptlk:
Superman! And Batman! What fun!

Batman:
And I thought Bat-Mite was a weird one.

Superman:
Don't worry. I just need to trick him into saying his name backwards. Knock knock.

Mr. Mxyzptlk:
A joke? I love jokes! Who's there?

Superman:
Kltpzyxm.

Mr. Mxyzptlk:
Kltpzyxm who?

Mr. Mxyzptlk:
[realizes said his name backwards] Oh, nuts!

[disappears]

Perry White:
Great Ceaser's ghost! Are you sure about this?

Jimmy Olsen:
Yes, sir. Superman's turned into a real di...

Lois Lane:
[cuts off Jimmy] Different person.

Phantom Stranger:
[Concerning Joe Chill] He is beaten. Let your devotion of justice temper your rage.

Spectre:
He took your parents, ruined your life. Fulfill your destiny. Become what you have trained to be, an agent of vengeance. He knows who you are, if this man lives, Batman dies.

Bruce Wayne:
Batman may die... but Bruce Wayne? Never.

Young Bruce Wayne:
You know, Dad, that movie was pretty good after all! Can I be Zorro when I grow up?

Thomas Wayne:
Absolutely, son. We'll need to get you a bigger sword...

Young Bruce Wayne:
[runs down the alley] Take that, you wicked tyrant!

Martha Wayne:
Dear...

Thomas Wayne:
Oh, Martha. Let him play.

Martha Wayne:
Thomas Wayne, when he has nightmares tonight, you can be the one to calm hm down.

Thomas Wayne:
Okay, that's enough for now, Bruce. We'll start you on fencing lessons when you're older. Say... 30?

Poison Ivy:
[bidding on the sonic disruptor] Ten thousand!

Two Face:
Fifteen thousand!

Joker:
Two bits!

[everyone looks at him]

Joker:
Ha Ha! Thought I'd lighten the mood.

Young Bruce Wayne:
I swear, by the spirits of my parents, to avenge their deaths by spending the rest of my life warring on all criminals.

Phantom Stranger:
[Regarding Batman] And so, an ordinary mortal conquered tragedy, and became the greatest champion for the cause of justice.

Spectre:
Justice. What is justice without vengeance, Phantom Stranger? Simply a slap on the wrist and an invitation for evil to continue. Unabated.

Phantom Stranger:
What would you have, Spectre? Batman to become like you? Dispensing punishment without mercy? Growing just as dark as the villains he fights?

Spectre:
You know the reason for this meeting. Batman's darkest hour is at hand. Soon he will confront the man who took his parents from him. then the final stroke will be delivered. For vengeance.

Phantom Stranger:
For the sake of his soul, I hope you're wrong. Batman must uphold justice.

Batman:
Phantom Stranger, this had better be important.

Phantom Stranger:
Very. I'm alarmed at the way you're conducting this investigation.

Batman:
Go haunt a house. I'm busy.

Phantom Stranger:
Batman, I'm here to offer you an insight into your parents' demise.

Batman:
What do you know?

Phantom Stranger:
Most things.

Thomas Wayne:
[Notices Batman] And here I thought I was going to be one of a kind. I guess great minds think alike, Mr?

Batman:
Uh... Malone. M-Matt. Matthew Malone.

Thomas Wayne:
Thomas Wayne. This is my wife, Martha.

[Batman hugs Martha]

Martha Wayne:
Oh, my... You're friendly, aren't you?

Batman:
How's your aim?

Thomas Wayne:
Impeccable, old chum.

Batman:
Spectre, what's your stake in all of this?

Spectre:
That depends on you.

Batman:
I don't have time for cosmic guessing-games with you and the Stranger. I've finally uncovered the motive behind my parents' murder.

Spectre:
Yet, you are restless.

Batman:
I still need to know who pulled the trigger.

Spectre:
And to what end, Dark Knight? What will you do once you find out?

Batman:
I... I don't know.

Spectre:
Surely the world's greatest detective has thought that far ahead.

Batman:
You're the spirit of vengeance, Spectre. A criminal has walked free for over three decades. You have to know who he is.

[Spectre grins and starts walking way]

Batman:
Don't walk away from me!

Lew Moxon:
You've got some nerve showing up here, after running out on the charity job.

Joe Chill:
I'm sorry, boss.

Lew Moxon:
Yeah... when I get out of here, you'll be even sorrier.

Joe Chill:
Wait, listen! I'll make this right! I can even the score with you with Thomas Wayne. He's the reason you're in here, not me! I'll make sure he suffers! Him, and his whole family.

Lew Moxon:
...Whatever. Just make it look like an accident.

Batman:
So just like that, he signed away their lives. Soo casually, without remorse. Without blinking a filthy eye. Where was justice?

Spectre:
Where indeed.

Batman:
Joe Chill. You are the slinking coward that murdered Thomas and Martha Wayne.

Joe Chill:
That was a lifetime ago!

Batman:
Yes... My lifetime! You took them without mercy or regret, and in cold blood, Chill!

Joe Chill:
H-how would you know this? How could you possibly?

Batman:
I know because I watched it happen! I know because I am the son of the man you murdered! [lifts off mask] I am Bruce Wayne!

Joe Chill:
...No... Oh, no!

Joe Chill:
Guys! You've got to help me! Way back I whacked a guy for a job, and now... that guy's son is back for revenge! That guy's son... is Batman!

Joker:
[Joker laughs]

Joe Chill:
What's funny?

Joker:
You're saying we owe Batman's existence to you? That's killer!

Poison Ivy:
So it's your fault Batman's always on our backs!

[the other villains start to surround Joe Chill]

Joe Chill:
No, guys! Wait!

Joe Chill:
[Dying] Funny... because I started you off as Batman, those other mugs made me pay. Yeah... I-I guess you got me... after all.

Phantom Stranger:
Batman made the right choice. Ultimately is was karma that delivered the final blow to Joe Chill. Funny how Chill just happened to be under that crumbling ceiling when it came down.

Spectre:
[grins] I wouldn't know anything about that.

Guy Gardner:
You were supposed to be one of the most powerful Lanterns ever, but your ring is vulnerable to wood? So what happens if a guy comes at you with a pointy stick?

Alan Scott:
Same thing that happens to you if he paints it yellow!

Guy Gardner:
Was that some kind of crack old man?

Alan Scott:
If the ring fits Gardner!

Batman:
Good job, Firestorm. But remember, archenemies can be a deadly business.

Firestorm:
[about Killer Frost] Great. Now she's your ex and your archenemy.

Ronnie Raymond:
[scoffs] Like there's a difference.

Booster Gold:
Hello, ladies. I don't believe we've met. The name's Gold, and you can bet I'm as precious as the metal.

Fire:
We are Fire and Ice, a volatile combination.

Ice:
Like my mother's peanut butter and sardine smoothies.

Batman:
Two weeks ago, I've sent The Question on a mission to uncover information on the possibility of an imminent Earth invasion. He hasn't been heard from since.

Blue Beetle:
Invasion? From where?

Batman:
Apokolips.

Ice:
Home of the Parthenon.

Batman:
No, a distant world enslaved by the most evil beings in the known universe.

Ice:
[gasps] The Greeks!

Martian Munhunter:
Excuse me, but do you mind? I have this thing about fire.

Fire:
I bet you do.

Martian Munhunter:
Now, this is our training room. I'm reminded when Big Blue himself challenged me to an arm wrestling competition here. Of course, my compatriots warned me this would surely be a losing battle, but I brought something more than brute force to the table - I brought physics. Well, the day approached, and...

Aquaman:
By Neptune's trident, you do not know how to tell a story.

Martian Munhunter:
Sorry. I sometimes tend to prattle on. Cookie, anyone?

Guy Gardner:
What are you doing in here?

Booster Gold:
I called dibs. Didn't I, Skeets?

Skeets:
And firsties, sir.

Guy Gardner:
Look, you poser, get out of my cabin right now.

Booster Gold:
Um, no. I think I'll stay.

[Guy pulls him off the couch]

Booster Gold:
Not the face! Not the face!

Aquaman:
Gentleman, please. Let's settle this like civilized...

[gets punched]

Aquaman:
Son of a whale shark! Have at thee! Come here, you!

[Aquaman goes in to the fight]

Fire:
Oh, boy fight.

Ice:
So immature.

Aquaman:
An adventure calls!

Guy Gardner:
Let's get down there so you punks can see a real hero in action.

Ice:
The Greeks must be stopped!

Booster Gold:
I gotta text my publicist. Skeets, how many P's in "impending?"

Skeets:
One, sir.

Fire:
Is this suit too short for world-saving?

Blue Beetle:
Um, I wonder if it's short enough?

Martian Munhunter:
Quiet! Listen, people. This team is not about egos or wardrobes or publicity. It's about handling threats larger than any hero can alone. When history remembers this group and its first mission, will it be of individuals who could not get the job done? Or will it be the greatest superhero team ever assembled, saving the world in its darkest hour?

Batman:
Think you could give us some cover?

Fire:
Not um problema, Batman.

Ice:
That is Portuguese for "No problem."

Batman:
If this works, we might just have a chance.

Aquaman:
If? Since when has any plans of Batman's ever failed?

[Parademons bust in through the ceiling]

Batman:
Impossible. Our signal strength is triple-encoded, cross-routed over a dozen satellite feeds. Untraceable, unless...

Booster Gold:
Texting the publicist. How many D's in Armageddon?

Darkseid:
Batman. I know all about you. I haven't become the most feared being in the universe by underestimating my enemies, but by obliterating them.

[Batman dodges Darkseid's Omega beams]

Darkseid:
You're impressive, as mortals go. But in the end, you're just a human with a few toys.

Batman:
You want this world, yet you're afraid to win it in a fair fight. How long has it been, Darkseid, since you've faced a mere mortal without hiding behind your godlike powers?

Darkseid:
A blatant attempt to taunt me into combat. But in truth, it has been an eternity since I've exercised purely physical force. And I relish the opportunity.

Darkseid:
[to Batman] I must admit, that was exhilirating. Is this where you hurl a clever retort at me? No? Then I shall separate your atoms into the primordial ether. A most fitting demise.

Guy Gardner:
Hey, poser, that's my piece of cake. Guy Gardner always gets the corner piece.

Booster Gold:
You mean this piece?

Booster Gold:
[eats cake] All gone.

Guy Gardner:
[balls up fist] Oh, you're gonna be all gone in a second.

Batman:
We've just been teleported.

Green Arrow:
[sarcastically] Ladies and gentlemen, the world's greatest detective.

The Joker:
[remarking on the death of Batman] He's... he's actually gone!, lets take a moment to reflect on the passing of a man who was more than just another do gooder in tights, he was the best nemesis a sociopath could ask for... okay lets do it again!

Plastic Man:
[repeated line, referring to how Batman always manages to escape] How does he do that?

Red Tornado:
You cannot do this. They deserve better.

Tornado Tyrant:
Please, Father! They're worthless biological jokes. This planet, which they have abused and poisoned will thrive without them! [Crushes Red Tornado between two cars]

Red Tornado:
Not jokes. They aspire. They dare to dream. To reach out, to each other. To love.

Tornado Tyrant:
Blah, blah, blah!

Red Tornado:
Declaration: You cannot mock love. For it was love that created you.

Tornado Tyrant:
You are a fool.

Green Arrow:
[as he and Batman descend toward a lion, a tiger and a panther on a huge "scratching post"] This is another fine mess you've gotten me into.

Batman:
How could I know she had knockout gas in her makeup compact?

Green Arrow:
Oh, I don't know, maybe because you've fought her *like two dozen times*.

Fun Haus:
I was just playing around with my new toys, Batman. Is that so wrong?

Red Tornado:
Based on criminal records, most of your actions are wrong. Felony robbery, parole violation, felony assault, jaywalking.

Red Tornado:
Imperative: Fun Haus can not ruin Christmas.

Red Tornado:
Observation: Santa is not supposed to behave in this manner.

Red Tornado:
Was your child frightened by the false Santa Claus machines?

The Atom:
Dr. Choi. Hello?

Aquaman:
Doctor! Aquaman here. What's new, old friend?

The Atom:
I was just in the middle of conducting a delicate tachyon detection experiment, "old friend".

Aquaman:
Tachyons eh? Splendid! Atta boy!

Batman:
Get to the point

Aquaman:
Outrageous! What miracle is this?

The Atom:
As The Atom, I can shrink to the size of a sub-atomic particle and ride electrons along the phone wires.

Aquaman:
Do it again!

Aquaman:
What kind of medicine shall we prescribe, doc?

The Atom:
You don't know what kind of doctor I am, do you?

Aquaman:
A hero doctor! Through and through!

The Atom:
The human lung, mother nature is truly our greatest architect. Look, dendritic cells, alveoli...

Aquaman:
Yes, yes, all very interesting. But how small are we?

The Atom:
About 15 microns. Small enough to slip between Batman's cells without damage. And uh, that's Batman's cilia you're hanging from.

Aquaman:
Cilia an sillier! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Alley-oop!

The Atom:
As we travel through the villi the CP4 barium sonowave will indicate any monoclinic phylosilicates in our vicinity.

Aquaman:
English, man, English!

The Atom:
This little doo-hickey beeps when the cooties are near.

Aquaman:
Ah, I... cooties, yes.

Aquaman:
En garde, you microscopic misanthrope!

The Atom:
It's replicating.

Aquaman:
Yes, and it's making more of itself too.

The Atom:
There's no way they could have spread this quickly unless... Unless Batman disregarded my orders for bed rest and went after Chemo.

Aquaman:
Of course he went after Chemo, he's Batman!

Aquaman:
Good boy. You were magnificent. Yes, big hug!

The Atom:
He's not hugging you. "He" is merely interpreting you as a foreign body to be surrounded and destroyed.

Aquaman:
Sure feels like a hug to me. And since we found you in Batman's blood stream, I think we'll name you Platelet.

The Atom:
Except that's a lymphocyte.

Aquaman:
Platelet it is!

Aquaman:
Come on doc, write us a heroic prescription.

The Atom:
I don't know... every course of action I can think of leads to unacceptable consequences.

Aquaman:
Then this is not the time to think, but the time to act!

The Atom:
What are you doing?

Aquaman:
Drawing their forces so you can destroy the seed cell.

The Atom:
But you'll never survive!

Aquaman:
Perhaps, but at least I'll have one heck of a story!

Bat-Mite:
Yes, you've got a question?

Fanboy:
I always felt Batman was best suited to the role of gritty urban crime detective, but now you guys have got him up against Santas, and Easter bunnies? I'm sorry, but that's not my Batman!

[the crew talk among themselves regarding the question and hand Bat-Mite a note]

Sam Register:
Here, read this!

Bat-Mite:
"Batman's rich history allows him to be interpreted in a multitude of ways. To be sure, this is a lighter incarnation, but is certainly no less valid and true to the character's roots as the tortured avenger, crying out for mommy and daddy." And besides, those Easter bunnies looked really scary, right?

[the audience all starts to agree, as the camera pans to Paul Dini and Bruce Timm in the audience]

Bruce W. Timm:
Meh.

Batman:
[about Calendar Man] There, I defeated your villain of choice. Now, will you go home?

Bat-Mite:
Whoa, whoa. That was never a fair fight. You've got skills and weapons. All he's got is a daily planner.

Cat-Man:
You're a long way from Gotham, Batman.

Batman:
But never far from crime, Catman.

Bat-Mite:
This... is... *awesome-sauce!*

Blue Beetle:
Hey, Batman can I ask you something?

Batman:
No.

Blue Beetle:
It's... about girls.

Batman:
No.

Blue Beetle:
See, I'm getting ready for college and I'm gonna need to know about these things.

Batman:
Listen, Beetle. Women are a tricky, tricky business. You have to decipher nearly incomprehensible code, push the right buttons, get past their firewalls. Only if you can do all that will you find what you're looking for.

Heat Wave:
Flash was creative. He'd have run circles around us, spinning away our oxygen!

Weather Wizard:
Ha! All you do is punch and kick like a child throwing a tantrum.

Captain Cold:
The old Scarlet Speedster would vibrate his molecules right out of that bronze.

Weather Wizard:
With a smile and an "aww shucks" that just made you wanna rip him to shreds, you know? [They all sigh at the same time]

Batman:
You... miss him.

Captain Cold:
Who us?

Heat Wave:
Miss the Flash?

Weather Wizard:
Don't be absurd!

Blue Beetle:
The meteor! It's like no time's passed since we left.

Batman:
Due to the quantum anomalies of wormholes, none has.

Batman:
[Thinking to himself] Of course, that's just a fancy way of saying, "That's weird." But half of the things I encounter on this job make no sense. Take this mission. I wanted to see if this kid had hero potential. Instead, I got to see him become one.

Batman:
I trust you'll start work on a cure for her?

Etrigan:
Before the rising of the sun, this reign of blood will be undone.

Batman:
I'll take that as a yes.

Blue Beetle:
The reason Bats called this emergency meeting. Gotta be an alien invasion. Uh... no offense, J'onn.

Martian Manhunter:
None taken.

Booster Gold:
After seein' the way he dresses his dog, nothin' fazes me about this guy.

Aquaman:
[Martian Manhunter is about to tell him what he thinks Batman's situation is when Aquaman holds up a hand and looks around] He's here.

Martian Manhunter:
How do you know?

Aquaman:
[looks at the aquarium of fish] They told me.

Aquaman:
One more step and I'll flatten you like a flounder.

Aquaman:
There's nothing I love better than a good punch-'em-up.

Martian Manhunter:
I sense you're trying to resist this evil, Batman. Open your mind so I can help you.

Batman:
[manages to control the vampire within him; weakly] Destroy me, J'onn.

Batman:
[to Martian Manhunter] You are the most powerful of them all. But every man has his weakness.

Martian Manhunter:
NO!... I can't lose you again.

Martian Manhunter:
Get out of my... MIND!

Martian Manhunter:
You said it before, human. I'm the most powerful one of them. I'm going to stop you, now.

Batman:
[to Martian Manhunter] I wonder fi your blood is green as well.

[last lines]

Jason Blood:
How are you feeling, Batman?

Batman:
Truth be told, I'm famished.

Young Speedy:
Golly! That was exciting! Hey, maybe when we grow up, we can join forces. You know, like a real crime-fighting team.

Young Robin:
That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Besides, who'd be in charge?

Young Aqualad:
Not you, birdbrain, that's for sure.

Young Robin:
You think you can do a better job?

Young Speedy:
I say whoever takes down the most badguys gets to be leader. What do you say?

Young Robin, Young Aqualad:
Bring it on.

Aquaman:
I think I should call this adventure "The time Batman sent us to the wrong island."

Robin:
Sit, Ubu, sit!

Crazy Quilt:
I will carve the cityscape into a masterpiece to rival of Mount Rushmore.

Robin:
That's a pretty ambitious plan for a guy who can barely dress himself.

Batman:
No taunting, Robin.

Crazy Quilt:
Insolent whelp!

Robin:
Please, not the sidecar.

Batman:
I thought you liked the sidecar.

Robin:
Yeah, when I was 8.

Crazy Quilt:
You always wanted to escape the shadow of the bat, Robin. Here's your chance.

Robin:
You're gonna wish you stayed in Arkham with your coloring book.

Crazy Quilt:
I'm gonna weave you both into carpets and spend the rest of my life walking all over you.

Crazy Quilt:
It seems I get the pleasure of destroying you twice in one day.

Robin:
Fine. I'll sit for a portrait. But make sure you get my good side, okay?

Guy Gardner:
Well, thanks for stopping by, Bats.

Batman:
I'm coming along. And I get the feeling I'm gonna need more than a batarang against this guy.

[Batman brings out a Power Ring]

Guy Gardner:
Hey! No way I'm letting you wear that ring!

Sinestro:
I'm afraid one who's not of the Corp cannot wear the power ring. But that doesn't we can't use our rings to augment you.

[Sinestro, Guy and G'nort use their Power Rings on Batman and he's fitted with a power suit]

Batman:
Cool.

Batman:
Okay, Guy, you and G'nort take the left flank. Sinestro and I will take...

Guy Gardner:
Eat my toe nail clippings.

G'nort:
Don't worry, Mr. Batman, sir. I'll take the left flank. Um, uh, which way's the left?

G'nort:
You did it! You did it! My hero!

Batman:
No licking!

Batman:
You were all... in the ring?

Hal Jordan:
And sent to you for safekeeping. I had a hunch you had the will power to get us out of this mess.

Cavalier:
Thou art no match for the Cavalier. Witty rogue, daring thief...

Batman:
Delusional loon.

Cavalier:
Batman! If thou thinkest thou can stop me, then have at me!

Batman:
[thinking to himself] Somewhere Shakespeare is spinning in his grave.

Batman:
[to Guy] We can still stop Despero. But you and G'nort are going to have to follow my orders to the letter.

Sinestro:
We're doomed.

G'nort:
Okay, okay, all I gotta do is say the oath and save the world. I can't remember it! Ohh, no, no, sure I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. "In sunniest day, in cloudiest night, no bad guy shall escape my bite..." Oh no, that's not it! [later]

G'nort:
Ohh... ah! "On Labor Day, on Halloween night, no nose hair shall escape my sight." [later]

G'nort:
"On Arbor Day, or Harvest Moon, no weasel shall escape my spoon..."

Captain Marvel:
It's truly an honor to fight evildoers besides such a brave and selfless hero again.

Batman:
Uh... thanks.

Captain Marvel:
I know it sounds strange, Batman, but there's a kinship between me and Teth-Adam. I can feel it. Shazam! [turns into Billy Batson]

Batman:
I understand your need for family, Billy. More than you can know.

Steve Trevor:
Have to say, being a secret agent is a cinch when you have a super-powered girlfriend.

Batman:
I wouldn't know.

Hal Jordan:
As a Green Lantern, I face some of the nastiest villains in the galaxy. Then I met Star Sapphire. She was different. Easy on the eyes. And we actually had a lot in common. She was a humble Earthling who encountered some otherworldly beings, the Zamorans. They chose her to be a host body for their queen. I can't say I blame them. They even gave her a ring. But it came with a hitch: once that ring slid onto her finger, she was a changed woman. She became a being of pure evil, bent on the conquest of Earth. I never had any problems with ladies before, but like I said, this one is different.

Batman:
So you crashed another of my planes?

Hal Jordan:
Not doing this now...

Guy Gardner:
You should toss that loser gold off the team. Who needs him when you got a living legend like me around?

Booster Gold:
Yeah, 'cause you're huge in the 25th century. In fact, you're everybody's favourite Green Lantern! No, wait. That's Hal Jordan.

[Batman appears in front of Holmes and Watson]

Dr. Watson:
A demon!

Sherlock Holmes:
He's a hero, it's obvious by the bright blue and yellow in his costume. The mask means he must be well-known, perhaps a wealthy entrepreneur with ample free time. Square jaw indicates strong lineage, perhaps a doctor's son. And the bat motif, most surely inspired by some childhood trauma. The Masked Bat, perhaps?

Batman:
Actually, it's Batman.

Batman:
Sherlock Holmes, I presume?

Sherlock Holmes:
How did you deduce my identity so quickly?

Batman:
The hat.

Etrigan:
You survived the Bat / But your costume's ruined, and we can't have that. [produces a new outfit for Batman]

Sherlock Holmes:
Before you depart, I must know: how did you really deduce my identity?

Batman:
Everyone knows who you are. You're the world's greatest detective.

Dr. Watson:
[after someone says that even a blind man could see that Jason Blood is a witch] Evidence does seem heavily stacked against Blood.

Sherlock Holmes:
What did I tell you about being an imbecile?

Dr. Watson:
To... stop?

Sherlock Holmes:
Precisely.