Battle Creek

Russ Agnew:
[to the man standing on a ledge who tried to kill his brother, the mayor] Go ahead and jump. You can make it. Honest.

Milt Chamberlain:
Sometimes lies help. Sometimes white lies help us make a better reality.

Russ Agnew:
What the hell does that even mean? I mean, I guess you construct your own reality because the laws of gravity don't apply to you either.

Milt Chamberlain:
Yeah. You sure? I ended up in Battle Creek, didn't I?

Russ Agnew:
We got an APB out on all 1998-2000 brown Buick Regal sedans.

Fontanelle White:
Which was last spotted about 3 hours ago on Washington Ave just north of the tracks.

Aaron Funkhauser:
How do you know he wasn't just passing through town?

Fontanelle White:
It's a residential street. It doesn't connect to any major highways.

Aaron Funkhauser:
He could've just got off the highway to get something to eat. Then decide to drive through town to check it out. I mean, Shelley and I do it all the time.

Fontanelle White:
You're right. And he also could've hopped on a plane right after I spotted him and be anywhere in North America. But, since North America is so big and Battle Creek is so small, maybe we should start by focusing on where he was last seen.

Aaron Funkhauser:
Makes sense. Would've made the same amount of sense without the attitude.

Milt Chamberlain:
You know, your stubbornness just gave that kid a very bright future.

Russ Agnew:
I doubt it. If there's one thing that this proves, it's that money corrupts.

Milt Chamberlain:
Oh. So, for you, this is an unhappy ending?

Russ Agnew:
Well, I'm walking off into the sunset with you, so... yeah.

Milt Chamberlain:
[Referring to Russ and Holly's tryst which Russ has denied] I have a sixth sense about these things. I can tell when two people have... you know...

Russ Agnew:
No. I don't know.

Milt Chamberlain:
Crossed the crime scene tape? Unholstered your weapons. Buried the evidence.

Milt Chamberlain:
Russ, why are you denying that you and Holly were involved in a 2-3-7?

Russ Agnew:
Excuse me? Huh?

Milt Chamberlain:
Officer down.

Russ Agnew:
Long distance relationships don't work out, Milt! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Of someone else.

Russ Agnew:
I want to apologize to you. For that... cake stunt. And I wanted to, uh... I wanted to say that I'm sorry for lying to you.

Holly Dale:
When?

Russ Agnew:
When I told you I was happy for you. Before. I think it's really great. I really do, Holly. And everything, but... I'm not happy. What, what you said earlier about not wanting to start something new because, um, it'll be easier for us. It'll hurt less. [Softly] That's true. [pause] But, screw that. We can make a long distance relationship work. We just gotta *fight* for it. Would you do that... with me?

Russ Agnew:
[Referring to his mother] Your best option is to not believe a word that she says. It's served me well for many years.

Russ Agnew:
[to the ME] The time frame that my mother pulled out of her ass just happens to fit within the time frame that you pulled out of your ass.

Sales Clerk:
How's your mom doin' in there? Does she need anything?

Milt Chamberlain:
Oh, I don't think so. And, and she's not my mom. [Pointing to Russ who is rubbing his forehead in exasperation] She's his mom.

Russ Agnew:
Hello. Hi. Uh, we've told the last four sales girls the same thing. So, maybe you could tell the next four that come through here to come up with a new opening line.

Sales Clerk:
Actually... I don't work here. [Smiles as she hands Milt a card]

Russ Agnew:
[to Milt, about all the women in the clothing store] They've been ogling you since you and I walked through the door. Seriously? You didn't notice that? You've looked at you, right?

Milt Chamberlain:
I'm sorry, Russ. I don't know what's worse. Knowing your mother's a killer, or knowing she doesn't love you.

Russ Agnew:
I've always known my mother doesn't love me.

Russ Agnew:
[Gun drawn on Briggs] Hey. That's my mother. I'm gonna real angry if you shoot her.

[their drug-sniffing dog has pounced on a young girl's backpack and is holding a packaged brick of white powder in its mouth]

Fontanelle White:
Is that what I think it is?

[Russ takes the package and samples the product]

Russ Agnew:
It's not cocaine. It's heroin.

Russ Agnew:
[about the flowers sent to Holly] They were sent to her here at work. Which means that whoever sent them doesn't know her home address. Which means that they know her from here. Which means it's a deadbeat. A vagrant, a criminal or a lawyer.

Fontanelle White:
[Investigating who might have set the Commander's house on fire] There is one more guy who could be good for this. Your contractor, Joe Meyers.

Detective Niblet:
You dated your contractor?

Commander Guziewicz:
He moved in while he renovated my front entrance. [At the stunned looks on the men's faces] No. That isn't a euphemism.

Russ Agnew:
So, what'd your new buddy Pritchett say about me after you walked out?

Milt Chamberlain:
He didn't say anything about you.

Russ Agnew:
Yeah, right. After that blow up?

Milt Chamberlain:
That wasn't really a blow up. It was more like you were just a dog barking at the wind.

Russ Agnew:
That's not a saying.

Milt Chamberlain:
It's an idiom. Common in the deep south.

Russ Agnew:
You're an idiom.

Russ Agnew:
So?

Meredith Oberling:
So?

Russ Agnew:
So, did you find any good DNA underneath her fingernails?

Meredith Oberling:
I don't like your tone.

Russ Agnew:
Yeah, well, I don't like *you*. So, why don't you just answer the question, then we can leave each other's presence as quickly as possible?

Russ Agnew:
I knew that motel owner was good for this. [to the ME who doesn't like him and is refusing to speak to directly to him] Did you compare it to his DNA yet?

Milt Chamberlain:
[the ME motions Milt over so she can whisper in his ear. Then Milt answers Russ] No. Because she doesn't have his DNA. [He looks at the ME who motions him to continue. Milt looks back at Russ] Idiot.

Russ Agnew:
[Referring to the motel owner who is a murder suspect] Now that he's got a lawyer, there's no way he's going to voluntarily submit to a cheek swab. And there's *no* way that we're gonna get a warrant.

Milt Chamberlain:
Wait, wasn't he chewing tobacco when he was here? Spitting in that disgusting little cup? [to the ME] Is there any way that you could pull DNA off of something like that?

Meredith Oberling:
[Smiling flirtatiously at Milt] For you, I'd brave many foul things.

Russ Agnew:
Well, I'll tell you what. While you two are getting a room, I'm gonna go outside and root through the trash and look for a used spit cup which is far less nauseating than this.

Commander Guziewicz:
[to her adopted son, about being a recovering alcoholic and the day his parents were murdered] I don't know why he handed you to me that day. Maybe he had some kind of insight that I needed something to hang on to. Or more likely, I was just the only woman in the room. But, I remember thinking this is *insane*. A drunk and a baby? A drunk cop and a *baby*? But after that? There have been so many times on this job when I have been tempted to pick up a bottle, but I never have. Because I always had you to get home to. You saved me. And I would really like to return the favor.

Russ Agnew:
[after learning that Milt pushed the limits on a previous case, endangering the life of a teenager to go after a drug kingpin] Why couldn't I have been working with *that* Milt?

Milt Chamberlain:
She seemed sincere to me.

Russ Agnew:
Everyone seems sincere to you because you're a gracious man.

Milt Chamberlain:
Thank you, Russ.

Russ Agnew:
You see? You thought I was being sincere.

Russ Agnew:
Is this because of the booties?

Milt Chamberlain:
I had my office compile a list of everyone with a local address who's ever been charged with dealing or possession or has been hospitalized with drug related issues.

Russ Agnew:
Oh my.

Milt Chamberlain:
Yeah, it's extensive.

Russ Agnew:
Well, there's one name on this list that you need to talk to. That's the two victims' main distributor. He's the guy who knows their business.

Milt Chamberlain:
Great. Which name is that?

Russ Agnew:
I have no idea.

Milt Chamberlain:
In my experience, when you trust people, they... they trust you.

Russ Agnew:
Have you actually *met* people?

Russ Agnew:
[Muttering to himself] Third guy from the *left*?

Milt Chamberlain:
[He and Russ have just busted in on Ricky who has his gun on Travis Taylor] Dude, don't. [He lowers his weapon]

Russ Agnew:
Seriously? He has a gun. I'm pointing a gun.

Milt Chamberlain:
He's not a killer.

Russ Agnew:
Well... you know, he has... killed. So, technically...

Milt Chamberlain:
It doesn't make him a killer.

Russ Agnew:
It sorta does.

Milt Chamberlain:
You're a good person, Detective Agnew.

Russ Agnew:
And you, Agent Chamberlain? You're the devil.