Because I Said So

[from trailer]

Sung Mi:
[to her friend, in Korean] Oy vey. Mom's ass is so tight, it's vacuum sealed.

[from trailer]

[interviewing men for Milly]

Daphne Wilder:
I say marriage, you say...

Transvestite:
Vera Wang.

[from trailer]

Mae:
Mom, why do you always wear the high tops?

Daphne Wilder:
I just got these, what's wrong with these?

Maggie:
There just kinda depressing.

Milly:
Mom for your 60th birthday we'll buy you something beautiful, something that grandma Moses would not wear.

Mae:
You're not a helicopter, mom. Quit hovering.

Maggie:
[discussing sex] I swear, by the third time I was so loud car alarms were going off and dogs were barking.

Daphne Wilder:
What? Three times? Is that... is that normal?

Mae:
Oh, come on, we all know I hold the record in this family.

[holds up seven fingers, Milly Smirks]

Daphne Wilder:
Milly, honey, why are you so quiet?

Mae:
[Coyly] 'Cause she's doing the oompa-loompa with two guys, mom.

Daphne Wilder:
Well, who would you choose for my daughter?

Johnny:
Me.

Daphne Wilder:
What? No way!

Johnny:
Why not?

Daphne Wilder:
Oh, please. I am not setting my daughter up with an attractive, charming musician who will just break her heart.

Johnny:
Wow. I love being reduced to a cultural cliche.

[from trailer]

Daphne Wilder:
What are you gonna do with your hair? Maybe you oughta button these buttons, you look like you're asking for it.

Milly:
I am asking for it!

[from trailer]

Daphne Wilder:
God couldn't be everywhere so that is why he invented mothers.

Maggie:
What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you

Milly:
I think he has a hot-dog with a bun!

Milly:
[on the phone with her mother and sisters talking about the guy she's with] Only... I think he might have a hot-dog with a bun.

Daphne Wilder:
[not getting it] Are you having a picnic?

Milly:
You and my mom have been totally scheming. And and and and now I know exactly why she pushed me on you because she was voting for you. She found you.

Jason:
Yeah but that doesn't take anything away from us. What matters is that we did meet, and how good this is between us. And the truth of that...

Milly:
The truth. Where is the truth? Where is the truth, because you've been living a lie and I've been lying to you Jason.

Jason:
Yeah but that doesn't change anything.

Milly:
How does that not change... everything?

Jason:
Because you're here. I think you already made your choice. But if it helps I'll say it. Stop seeing him. Then you and I can get closer. Close enough to spend the rest of our lives together. I knew I had you the day I met you.

Milly:
How could you know something like that?

Jason:
Because you were so nervous you laughed like a hyena, in that beautiful polka-dot dress of yours.

Milly:
Really? I'll tell you one thing though. You did not have me the moment that we met because I'm not even sure I like the fact that your staff talked about you behind your back at the dessert table. And excuse me but truth be told I didn't like anything that you ordered for me on our first date except the calamari. And ok fine, yes, it was nice to not have to think for a change. But who wants someone that doesn't think? Look! And sometimes you laugh when I cry, and you say "huh" when I make perfect sense. And never ever in my life have I burnt a chocolate suffle until now, and that in and of itself... oh my god. Should have told me I don't feel like myself around you. And I would have decided that. A long time ago if it weren't for my mother. Because who wants someone who laughs like a hyena in a polka dot dress that my mother made me buy.

Jason:
I love that dress.

Milly:
Take her out.

Milly:
I'm gonna be just like you, Mom.

Milly:
See that's the fun of the Tuna Pasta Toss. Because it's fun and it's easy. And when you're cooking for one, it's really important to look forward to the end result. You know?

Johnny:
What if you want to make it for two?

Milly:
It's a little bit more complicated, but I think it can be done. Um... I see some of you have already gone ahead and added your carrots and your pickled relish and remember that some people like dill.

Johnny:
Even before I met you I had an instinct about you. Once I saw you were a woman with profound static cling I wanted to be that force around you.

Milly:
Personally I love dill. I think it's not used enough and very underated, sorta like mayonaisse and I also really love olive oil for tuna.

Johnny:
I love that when I breathe you in you smell like cake batter. And I love that you have this insane way of talking in circles that makes perfect sense.

Milly:
[shocked] I do? Cause sometimes I feel like nobody understands me. But...

Johnny:
Me. I get you.

Cooking Class Student:
That's wonderful, but you know my bladder is about to pop.

Johnny:
Can you hold it for a minute?

Cooking Class Student:
[shrugs]

Milly:
[laughs nervously] I'm sorry, I'm sorry guys. Where were we? With the tuna pasta and the tuna noodle doodles. And the tuna sandwhiches, tuna...

Johnny:
[takes Milly into his arms] I love your eyes. I even love... your mother.

Milly:
[smiles. Kisses Johnny. Rest of class pairs off and kisses as well]

Daphne Wilder:
[after hearing Jason kind of propose to Milly] Did he just propose? Because I think he just proposed.

Maggie:
I think he did, but the question is to who?

Daphne Wilder:
Maggie quit being a kill joy.

Maggie:
Listen! You're right! I didn't handle this well. And I understand you feel betrayed! But, really, isn't some of this anger a little misplaced?

Milly:
No! No, Maggie! It's placed exactly where it should be and there is plenty to go around, so don't worry, mom will be getting hers!

Maggie:
[after Daphne screams while being knocked over with groceries while on the phone] Always so dramatic.

Maggie:
[Daphne continues to moan on the ground] Mother, this is like 6th grade drama club. Speak English!

Daphne Wilder:
Because I said so!

Lionel:
You have a vagina!

Daphne Wilder:
Cooper is in heat.

Maggie:
Mom, Cooper is a boy.

Milly:
Stuart! For ten years my sister has sat here and told me your about to commit suicide. [opens window and gestures to it] Well?

Stuart:
[smiling] You mean she's been talking about me?

Jason:
Gotta love a woman in polka dots. Not everyone can pull it off.