Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

Deputy Fred:
It was the nicest little whorehouse you ever saw!

Miss Mona:
You know what burns my ass?

Ed Earl:
What?

Miss Mona:
A flame about three feet high!

Miss Mona:
You know, it's always a business doing pleasure with you, Charlie!

Ed Earl:
They want me to close her down, run her out of town. How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?

Ed Earl:
I saw a picture once, of them fellers from, you know, that's supposed to be from up there? Fly around? Tiny little fellers. Bald-headed, little feet, little hands - got no peckers.

Miss Mona:
Got no peckers?

Miss Mona:
Well, I ain't interested. I don't think my girls would be either!

Ed Earl:
Be like putting two bowling balls in a marble bag!

C.J.:
All we wanted to do was keep it quiet! Now thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since "The Gong Show"!

Deputy Fred:
If you grew up anywhere in Texas, you knew at an early age they was selling somethin' out there - and it wasn't poultry!

Melvin P. Thorpe:
The power of television, of public exposure - it scares me. I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him!

Jewel:
Honey, we see everything in this profession, but one thing I ain't never seen - man or woman - is a grown-up.

Deputy Fred:
Everybody liked Ed Earl - especially Ed Earl.

Deputy Fred:
So, for awhile, as the story goes, the girls begin accepting poultry in trade: one bird, one lay. And that's how the place got its name: The Chicken Ranch!

Miss Mona:
Don't feel sorry for me. I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast.

Miss Mona:
I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy. I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now without gettin' on my toes!

Miss Mona:
Me jumpin' up and down? I'd black both my eyes!

Miss Mona:
Well, I always just thought if you see somebody without a smile, give 'em yours!

Miss Mona:
Well, one of those nights when you ain't on duty, you drop in out there. My girls'll love to show you a little appreciation.

Deputy Fred:
Shoot, Miss Mona - you know I'm a married man!

Miss Mona:
Oh, Fred, you mean to tell me you don't think the cows don't appreciate the time off when a bull goes over to another pasture?

Miss Mona:
You ain't never gonna be no more than you are right now: a chicken-sh*t sheriff in a chicken-sh*t town!

Ed Earl:
You may be right, but it's a hell of a lot better than being a whore.

Ed Earl:
Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody's peeing on my boots and telling me it's a rainstorm.

The Governor:
I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly prayer breakfast, in this historic capital, that it behooves both the Jews and the Arabs to settle their differences in a Christian manner!

Ed Earl:
I'll beat you down so far, you'll have to roll down your socks to take a sh*t.

Hey Deputy Fred, how's your tallywhacker hanging?

Texas suites my style.