Bill Cosby: Himself

Bill Cosby:
It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"

Bill Cosby:
Little Jeffrey. I remember his name, not because he said, "I'm four years old," but because Jeffrey's mother said his name all 2500 miles of the trip.

Bill Cosby:
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an a**hole?"

Bill Cosby:
Now you've got to go. So you come into the bathroom, close the door; now, don't forget: you owe this to yourself. You've worked hard all week. It's come to this:

Bill Cosby:
"Ahh, Jesus... Oh, God... If You get me out of this, I'll never drink again as long as I live..."

Bill Cosby:
Now you are ready to put your face in a place that was never built for your face.

Bill Cosby:
Parents aren't interested in justice - they want QUIET!

Bill Cosby:
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'

Bill Cosby:
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."

Bill Cosby:
My parents never smiled... because I had brain damage. My wife and I don't smile because our children are LOADED with it. Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I'm having. Oh, they have a ball! "Havin' a li'l trouble, huh, son?"

Bill Cosby:
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know where I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job... and I don't want it.

Bill Cosby:
Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

Bill Cosby:
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

Bill Cosby:
Carole Burnett described what labor pains feel like. She said "Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head."

Bill Cosby:
You know my father's favorite game? "C'mere and pull my finger."

Bill Cosby:
Dad is great! Give us the chocolate cake!

Bill Cosby:
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot.

Bill Cosby:
Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

Bill Cosby:
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

Bill Cosby:
FBIBER!

Bill Cosby:
I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.

Bill Cosby:
My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

Bill Cosby:
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

Bill Cosby:
A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is just an all-time dumb person.

Bill Cosby:
I didn't know how serious it is to a female that you lift the lid.

Bill Cosby:
Then my wife stood up... in the stirrups, and on the next contraction, she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married.

Bill Cosby:
My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.

Bill Cosby:
A person with one child does not have to deal with "Willyoustoptuchingme?" If you've got one child, and the child's doing that, you gotta take it away.

Bill Cosby:
My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

Bill Cosby:
I tell my kids, "This is not the same person I grew up with. You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven."

Bill Cosby:
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago.

Bill Cosby:
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!