Bill Hicks: Revelations

Bill Hicks:
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's p*ssy.

Bill Hicks:
You know, the world's twelve-thousand years old, and dinosaurs existed in that time, you'd think it would've been mentioned in the f***ing bible at some point. "And o, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth, but the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus with a splinter in his paw. And o, the disciples did run a-shrieking 'What a big f***ing lizard, Lord.' But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus' paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a Loch for oh so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat f***ing families and their fat dollar bills. And O Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you, Lord."

Bill Hicks:
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a f***ing cross?

Bill Hicks:
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.

Bill Hicks:
But I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from. Ha, I missed that f***ing meeting, okay? "It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle." No it's not. No more than a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. It's a chemical reaction, that's all it f***ing is. If, you wanna know what a miracle is: raisin' a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there, there, there is a goddam miracle. It's not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang in the world can drop a litter of these mewling cabbages on our planet. And just in case you haven't seen the single mom statistics lately, the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. "Hallelujah!" Trailer parks and council flats all over the world just filling up with little miracles. Thunk, thunk, thunk, like frogs laying eggs. "Thunk, look at all my little miracles, thunk, filling up my trailer like a sardine can. Thunk. You know what would be a real miracle, if I could remember your daddy's name, aargh, thunk. I guess I'll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior. Thunk. That's all I remember about your daddy was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his caffeine ridden semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed miracle baby, urgh. There's your brother, Pizza Delivery Boy Junior."

Bill Hicks:
The world is like a ride at an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it, you think it's real, cause that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round; it has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun... for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid - EVER - because... this is just a ride." And we... KILL those people. "Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride - SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry! Look at my big bank account, and my family! This just HAS to be real!" It's just a ride. And we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because... it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride: Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over - not one human being excluded - and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

Bill Hicks:
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing... kill yourself. [audience laughs and claps] Thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root. I don't know. You try, you do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously though, if you are, do. [audience laughs] Aaah, no really, there's no rationalisation for what you do and you are Satan's little helpers, okay? Kill yourself, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No, no, this is not a joke, you're going, "there's gonna to be a joke coming," there's no f***ing joke coming. You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are f***ed and you are f***ing us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to save your f***ing soul. Kill yourself. [audience claps and whoops] Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going, "he's doing a joke..." there's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, f***ing hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend. I don't care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil f***ing machinations. Machi... whatever, you know what I mean. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too, "Oh, you know what Bill's doing, he's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart." [audience laughs] Oh man, I am not doing that, you f***ing evil scumbags. "Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We've done research. Huge market. He's doing a good thing." Goddammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags. Quit putting a goddamm dollar sign on every f***ing thing on this planet! "Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market. Bill's very bright to do that." God, I'm just caught in a f***ing web. "Ooh, the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar. Good market. Look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar..." God, how do you live like that? I bet you sleep like f***ing babies at night, don't you? "What did ya do tonight honey?" "Oh, we made ah, we made ah, arsenic ah, childhood food now, goodnight." [lays down and snores] "Yeah, we just said you know is your baby really too loud? You know?" [snores] "Yeah, it'll... you know the mums will love it." [snores] [stands up] Sleep like f***ing children, don't you? This is your world isn't it?