Black Christmas

Mrs. MacHenry:
These broads could hump the Leaning Tower of Pisa if they could get to the top of it!

Lieutenant Kennet Fuller:
Sergeant Nash what's this?

Sergeant Nash:
That's the address to the sorority house.

Lieutenant Kennet Fuller:
Felatio?

Sergeant Nash:
Yes, Felatio the New exchange address for the house.

Lieutenant Kennet Fuller:
Sergeant Nash, I don't think you could pick your noise never the less take down an address.

Sergeant Nash:
I know, the address is something dirty isn't it?

Barb Coard:
I'm a drunk? Here we have the queen of vodka herself!

Barb Coard:
Did you know that there is a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days straight? I didn't know, you're probably asking yourself that can't be true but it is, because I went down to the zoo and I watched them do it. It was very very boring. I still can't believe they can screw for three days, I mean I'm lucky if I even get three minutes. So after I saw those turtles screwing, I said that is what I call remature ejaculation!

Barb Coard:
Why don't you go find a wall socket and stick your tongue in it, that will give you a charge?

Barb Coard:
I think the little buggers schnockered, son of a b*tch.

Barb Coard:
Oh listen, this guy is minor league. In the city, I get two of those a day.

Barb Coard:
Darling, you can't rape a townie.

The phone-calls...:
They're coming from inside the house!

Sergeant Nash:
Excuse me? Could you give me the number at the sorority house? Please?

Barb Coard:
Yeah, sure. It's, ah... Fellatio 20880. Fellatio. It's a new exchange, FE.

Sergeant Nash:
That's a new one on me. How do you spell it?

Barb Coard:
Capital F, E, little L, LA, TIO.

Sergeant Nash:
Thanks.

Barb Coard:
Don't mention it.

[after the mysterious caller hangs up]

Clare Harrison:
I don't think you should provoke somebody like that, Barb.

Barb Board:
Oh listen, this guy is minor league. In the city, I get two of those a day.

Clare Harrison:
Well maybe. But you know that town girl was raped a couple of weeks ago.

Barb Coard:
Darling, you can't rape a townie.

Clare Harrison:
Could that really be just one person?

Barb Coard:
No, Clare, it's the Mormon Tabernacle Choir making their annual obscene phone call.

Sergeant Nash:
[Jess has managed to keep the caller on the line for almost a full two minutes, allowing the phone company to trace the call] Uh, Lt. Fuller?

Lt. Fuller:
Yeah, Nash, what is it?

Sergeant Nash:
The phone company's on the other line, sir. They say they got a trace on this one.

Lt. Fuller:
Yeah, let's have it!

Sergeant Nash:
He says the calls are coming from #6 Belmont Street.

Lt. Fuller:
For Christ's sakes, Nash, you got it wrong. That's where the calls are going into.

Sergeant Nash:
That's where they're coming from too, sir.

Lt. Fuller:
[pause] Oh, sh*t...

Sargeant Nash:
[after Sergeant Nash calls the sorority house] Who is this?

Jessica Bradford:
It's Jess.

Sargeant Nash:
Ms. Bradford, this is Sergeant Nash. Are you the only one in the house?

Jessica Bradford:
No. Phyll and Barb are upstairs asleep. Why?

Sargeant Nash:
Alright. Now I want do you exactly what I tell you without asking any questions, okay?

[Jessica begins to question]

Sargeant Bradford:
No, no, no... no questions. Now just put the phone back on the hook, walk to the front door and leave the house.

Jessica Bradford:
What's wrong?

Sargeant Nash:
Please, Ms. Bradford, please just do as I tell you.

Jessica Bradford:
Okay. I'll get Phyll and Barb.

Sargeant Nash:
[Raising his voice] No, no, no, don't do that Jess.

[Long pause]

Sargeant Nash:
Jess, the caller is in the house. The calls are coming from the house!

Mrs. Machenry:
[singing as she packs her suitcase] Alligators come through the gate, but goodbye leg if ya get away late! Lollies love to pop!

Barb Coard:
[on phone] You're a real gold-plated whore, mother, you know that?

Barb Coard:
[upon seeing that Mrs. MacHenry is coming inside the house] Speaking of professional virgins - here we have the queen of vaudeville herself!

Mr. Harrison:
I didn't send my daughter in here to be drinking and picking up the boys.

The Killer:
Filthy Billy, I know what you did nasty Billy!

The Killer:
Agnes, It's me Billy! Don't tell them what we did!

The Killer:
Let me lick ya, you pretty piggy c*nt!

The Killer:
[to Barb, while on the phone] I'll stick my tongue up your pretty p*ssy!

The Killer:
[to Barb, while on the phone] [sombre] I'm going to kill you.

The Killer:
[Quietly singing] Little baby bunting/ Daddy's went a-hunting/ Gonna fetch a rabbit skin to wrap his baby Agnes in.

Lt. Fuller:
[hands Nash a form] What's this?

Sergeant Nash:
Oh, that's the number of the sorority house.

Lt. Fuller:
Fellatio?

Sergeant Nash:
Yeah, it's a new exchange: FE.

Lt. Fuller:
[suppressing a laugh] A new exchange?

Sergeant Nash:
Yeah, Fellatio. One of the girls that was in this afternoon gave it to me.

Lt. Fuller:
[sarcastically] She gave it to you?

Sergeant Nash:
Yeah.

Lt. Fuller:
Nash, I don't think you could pick your nose without written instructions. [takes the form and walks back to his desk]

Sergeant Nash:
[thinks for a moment] I know. It's something dirty, ain't it?