Blades of Glory

Jimmy:
So, Coach. I was thinking about the music for our routine.

Coach:
Really?

Chazz:
We're gonna skate to one song, and one song only: "Lady Hump" by the Black Eyed Peas. What you gonna do with all that junk? / All that junk inside your trunk? / I'm gonna get you, get you drunk / Get you drunk off my lady humps / My humps, my humps / My lovely lady humps.

Jimmy:
[disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.

Chazz:
No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.

Jimmy:
No, it's not. It's gross.

Chazz:
It gets the people going.

Chazz:
Bunk beds?

Jimmy:
I don't share rooms.

Chazz:
I don't share sh*t. The night is a very dark time for me.

Jimmy:
It's dark for everyone, moron.

Chazz:
Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.

Coach:
All right, this has got to stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team. You understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together. You are going to pee together. You're going to file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now. End of discussion.

Chazz:
Mind-bottling, isn't it?

Jimmy:
Did you just say "mind-bottling"?

Chazz:
Yeah. You know when things are so crazy, you get your thoughts trapped, like in a bottle.

Chazz:
Why would we step in baby food?

Jimmy:
He's talking about the carpet. Berber?

Chazz:
What are you? The rug doctor?

Jimmy:
Maybe I am.

Chazz:
I'm the rug master.

Jimmy:
What does that even mean?

Coach:
Shut up and take off your damn shoes.

Jimmy:
Get out of my face!

Chazz:
I'll get inside your face!

Jimmy:
Ugh, I'm getting sick. You smell like aftershave and taco meat.

Chazz:
Yes, I do. Now scoot over.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg:
What's that, mother? You and father are sad that you were killed, driving Katie to her ice-skating lesson all those years ago? Yeah, me too.

Stranz Van Waldenberg:
Remember how they used to be alive?

Darren MacElroy:
I'm un-adopting you.

Jimmy:
What?

Darren MacElroy:
I don't think "un-adopting" is the right word for it. Well, legally I'm disowning you.

Jimmy:
That was disgusting.

Chazz:
That, young man, is how babies are made.

Jimmy:
I see you got fat.

Chazz:
I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.

Jimmy:
You crushed my dreams.

Chazz:
Dreams? Sh*t. I haven't had one of those in years.

Jimmy:
Zip it, Chazz! Zip it or I will punch you in your crap, lousy face!

Chazz:
Hey, This ends tonight!

Jimmy:
It's daytime, you douche!

Jimmy:
I call top!

Chazz:
No, I already called it in my head.

Jimmy:
What?! No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.

Chazz:
Yes it does. Get used to it, Jimmy; you're in Chazz's world now.

[Chazz shows Jimmy the tattoo of him he got on his arm.]

Chazz:
That's you. The wolf, that runs with the lone wolf. So the lone wolf never has to be alone again.

Jimmy:
You were drunk when you got it, weren't you?

Chazz:
Yes, absolutely hammered. Welcome to the pack.

Grublets on Ice Manager:
Are you drunk?

Chazz:
No. [Breaks the top off of the bottle of liquor he's holding] But this oughta do it.

Jimmy:
This ice has not been properly zambonied. And where's the warm-down room?

Coach:
We don't have any of that. What we got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.

Chazz:
This guy could not hold my jock sweat.

Jimmy:
I could hold it all day long. Try me!

Chazz:
Maybe I will.

Jimmy:
Maybe you should.

Chazz:
You challenging me, princess?

Jimmy:
I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party!

Chazz:
Then bring it on!

Jimmy:
It is on!

Coach:
Good. We're in an agreement, then.

Chazz:
You know what, dude. Your hand has to be on top.

Jimmy:
No way. The girl's goes on top.

Chazz:
Yeah, ergo. Chick.

Jimmy:
I'm not the girl, I'm stronger.

Chazz:
No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina.

Jimmy:
You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass.

Chazz:
Fat ass?

Chazz:
I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle. I'm just a man for God's sake.

Jimmy:
We'll switch places.

Chazz:
I swear to God, if you cut my head off...

Jimmy:
Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!

Chazz:
This isn't what it looks like.

Jimmy:
Impure! Impure!

Katie Van Waldenberg:
Jimmy, wait!

Chazz:
Brother man!

Coach:
Jimmy, you put your clothes on! Jimmy! Damn it!

Jimmy:
Watch my icy, hot superslide.

Chazz:
Do it.

Jimmy:
I will.

Chazz:
It's not going to matter because you're flat in front like Ken!

Hector:
I almost gave up on you Jimmy. I started working on that Ukrainian skater, you know the one that looks like Elvis. So i moved to the Ukraine and it was cold, and everybody had guns, and it smelled like soup.

Darren MacElroy:
You're fired.

Coach:
What! I brought you the gold medal.

Darren MacElroy:
No, you brought me half a gold medal. If I wanted him to share I would have bought him a brother.

Grublets on Ice Manager:
Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed. Second show's almost three-quarters full. you drunk?

Chazz:
No. [Breaks the top off of the bottle of liquor he's holding] But this oughta do it.

Grublets on Ice Manager:
I would fire you if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there. You smell like urine.

Chazz:
A lot?

Grublets on Ice Manager:
Get your head on.

Skate Woodland Fairies:
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!

Chazz:
[drunkenly] Hey, little forest creatures. None of you sons-of-b*tches try to be heroes. You hear me?

Gary the Squirrel:
Hey, Chazz. Come on.

Chazz:
Wow!

Gary the Squirrel:
It's Gary. What are you doing?

Chazz:
Hey, everyone! This is Gary, the squirrel. Now listen up. Gary's been a long-time friend. We've been skating for two and a half years. I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson, and Gary said, "I've got a third ball"-- [retches inside his costume] Damn it. I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion. In fact, we all are-- "[gags, begining to vomit] Oh, encore. [He retches again]

Grublets on Ice Manager:
Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice will be cancelled until further notice. No refunds will be given.

Chazz:
Oh Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.