Bored to Death

Leah:
That's a big word for you, you read it in one of your Comic Books?

Ray Hueston:
No, I read it in my diary.

Jonathan Ames:
That could be an aneurysm in your penis. You need to go see a neurologist, George.

Ray Hueston:
[talking about George] I just don't understand why he's having an affair with his ex-wife, it's like a waste of a divorce.

George Christopher:
Men face reality, women don't, that's why men need to drink.

Sal Vitale:
I lost my virginity in the 5th grade.

Ray Hueston:
What was his name?

Sal Vitale:
Father Francis.

George Christopher:
I want to thank both of you for supporting me in this whole thing. I know it's delusional behavior, but important to me.

Ray Hueston:
I like being delusional.

Jonathan Ames:
Yeah, me too. We're delusional together.

Ray Hueston:
Jonathan, I consider myself a very open-minded friend. Half the people I know are disturbed. But you cannot just go around and say that you're a detective. You can't mess with other people's lives like that. You can barely lead your own life.

George Christopher:
You need to know when to give me good advice, and that was bad advice. You need to be sane when I'm insane.

Jonathan Ames:
But I didn't know you were insane.

George Christopher:
Well, you should have.

Jonathan Ames:
I'm not good with anger, I go straight to depression.

Jonathan Ames:
[after watching a beautiful woman in the subway] The world is completely melting, and yet beautiful women are still being produced. It's the one positive in these preapocalyptic times.

Jennifer Gladwell:
I love white wine. And red. And rum.

Jonathan Ames:
Hmmm.

Jonathan Ames:
So, let me make sure I got things straight. You used to sing as 'The Lonely White Dove', is that right?

The Lonely White Dove:
Yes.

Jonathan Ames:
Why'd you switch to 'The Lonely Sparrow'?

The Lonely White Dove:
I like birds. Every year I'm a new bird. And always a lonely bird.

Jonathan Ames:
Maybe you won't have to be lonely anymore.

Ray Hueston:
[after Leah kisses him in bed] I'm sorry I can't tonight. That guy eviscerated me. My penis is totally recessed.

Leah:
What?

Ray Hueston:
When I was a little kid I used to like to push my penis in, to make it look like it disappeared. Today that happened all by itself. [Curls into a fetal position]

David Worth:
So, why are you so hell bent on getting this script back?

Jonathan Ames:
Well, because I have a chance to work with Jim Jarmusch. And if I do, my whole life could change.

David Worth:
Hmm... Sounds like an illusion to me. Lives don't change. We simply become more comfortable with our core misery. Which is a form of happiness.

Claudia:
Are you a man or a boy?

Jonathan Ames:
Well, what's the difference?

Claudia:
With a man you feel like you're being taken and you like it. And with a boy you feel like they're stealing something from you and you don't like it.

Ray Hueston:
You didn't sodomize her, did you?

Jonathan Ames:
No!

Ray Hueston:
That's too bad.

Henry Stevenson:
Everyone in Philadelphia is waiting for someone to die. It's what we live for.

Bernard:
Amy was attacked by a homosexual tiger in Brooklyn!