Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour

Eddie:
I know what you're thinking. Back in Act 2 Scene 1 how many shots did I fire? To be honest in all the excitement of of Rik forgetting most of his lines, I've actually kind of forgotten myself. Did I fire five shots or six?

Eddie:
Well lets see how lucky you are punk!

Eddie:
HA HA! I f***ing reloaded!

Richie:
What were the charges again?

Eddie:
Attempted asphyxiation of the entire population of West London, detonation 400lbs of Semtex under contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray, and wiggling our todgers at the Queen.

Richie:
So, its a first offence. I mean talk about Draconian!

Eddie:
I can't, I dunno what it means.

Richie:
So Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?

Eddie:
One pound.

Richie:
ONE BLODDY PPpppppffffff... pound?

Eddie:
Yes, you see the fiendish flaw in our masterplan was, that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who'd buy a f***ing Lottery ticket!

Richie:
One pound?

Eddie:
...ish. You see, after Admin costs, and a donation to charity, we ctually only come out with 5p. And we've just 10p on the phonecall finding that out.

Richie:
So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?

Eddie:
Yes that's right, well done.

Richie:
Well, its a result Eddie!

Eddie:
Yes! yes it's er... it's a crap result!

Eddie:
Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War

Richie:
What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they're all frightful

Eddie:
Alright he was in the crap war!

Richie:
Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?

Eddie:
Both

Richie:
Wow!

Eddie:
Well it depended on which diretion he was facing at the time y'know. Had an incy wincy little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly!

Richie:
Did he?

Eddie:
But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans

Richie:
Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistace?

Eddie:
Yes, that's right. Just fired off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan anymore.

Richie:
That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but, what the f***'s it got to do with anything?