Bottom Live 3: Hooligan's Island

Richie:
Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.

Eddie:
They disappeared.

Richie:
Yeah, cos you threw them in to the f***in' audience.

Eddie:
Hey, they reappeared.

Richie:
Yeah, they f***in' threw them back.

Richie:
Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.

Eddie:
Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered sh*t-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?

Richie:
Wait, there's something written on the side.

Richie:
"Le Danger"..."Le Nuclear Bomb". Sh*t, it's all in French.

Richie:
You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? You're trying to send me round the twist. You're trying to make me lose the plot.

Eddie:
Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we?

Richie:
You stupid f***ing ring-sausage!

Richie:
I see your point.

Eddie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

Richie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

Eddie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

Richie:
Why? Have my trousers fallen down?

Eddie:
Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of nob gag Bermuda Triangle!

Richie:
Quick! Change routine! Change routine!

Eddie:
Oh look! Knackers!

Eddie:
All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.

Richie:
How long for?

Eddie:
Until the end of time.

Richie:
Righto.

Eddie:
I'm also going to fleetingly return to the script, if that's alright with you.

Richie:
I work my fingers to the bone trying to pep up your diet, and insert a little jazz into your food!

Eddie:
I beg your pardon!

Richie:
There you go again!

Eddie:
No, I just didn't hear what you said.

Richie:
Not true! Not true at all! You're accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!

Richie:
You thorough and total wank biscuit!

Eddie:
How did you actually catch this fish?

Richie:
I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no. I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.

Eddie:
So it was dead already?

Richie:
Well it was on its way out, yes. It was coughing very violently, bringing up this extraordinary green bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.

Eddie:
Was this in Bluffman's Cove?

Richie:
Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine.

Richie:
So when you ask me,

Richie:
"Uh, what's for breakfast?" I would say 'something a little unusual.

Eddie:
What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on?

Richie:
Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.

Eddie:
Really, how does she feel?

Richie:
She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!

Richie:
Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, modern comedians do that joke.

Eddie:
Yeah, why's that?

Richie:
'Cos it's sh*t!

Eddie:
Well, how d'you know they're cannibals?

Richie:
Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot.

Eddie:
No, he's just having a bath, isn't he?

Richie:
What, with an onion up his bum?

Eddie:
He could be French.

Richie:
Eddie, have you been stealing material again?

Richie:
Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing...like a script!

Eddie:
Well, we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't f***ing remember it.

Richie:
Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?

Eddie:
Angus Deayton.

Richie:
Angus Deayton, why?

Eddie:
Because he's got autocue.

Richie:
Oh yeah, lucky bastard.

Eddie:
Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you?

Richie:
Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.

Richie:
Hey Eddie, fancy a cocktail before bed? How 'bout a Bloody Mavis?

Eddie:
Now, that's the one that's made from gin, blood, and porcupine sh*t? Without the gin?

Richie:
Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie?

Eddie:
Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know!

Richie:
Really, Eddie? Which part?

Eddie:
My arsehole.

Richie:
What sort of bloke?

Eddie:
Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.

Richie:
A what?

Eddie:
I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman.

Eddie:
F*** off, you paid.

Richie:
God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.

Eddie:
We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!

Richie:
I think my theory holds water.

Eddie:
And what theory is that?

Richie:
That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.

Eddie:
Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.

Richie:
HE was a volunteer.

Eddie:
No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.

Richie:
Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!

Eddie:
Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.

Richie:
Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.

Eddie:
No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!

Eddie:
Oh, I'm gold, man, solid gold.

Richie:
Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to f***!

Richie:
Oh Eddie! It's obvious that there is no escape for us that way. We can't go into those murky waters with the creatures of the deep. We'd trip over that bit of wire.

Eddie:
Or we'd get a rather nasty paper cut.

Richie:
Oh Eddie! Oh Eddie! Oh Eddie!

Eddie:
Usually when he says "Oh Eddie" it's because he has forgotten his lines.

Richie:
Oh Eddie.

Eddie:
Yes I'm waiting.

Richie:
You bastard!

Richie:
Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, see it circle...

Eddie:
Watch it swoop, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the prop man sacked!

Richie:
That was lucky!

Eddie:
Lucky you weren't standing here? Every f***ing night of the tour.

Eddie:
Yeah you laugh. You'll tell all your friends tomorrow that you went to see a show where some bloke got his head sh*t on by a bird and you all f***ing laughed so hard! Welcome to f***ing civilized Bristol!

Eddie:
I hate this island so much I would rather be in Liverpool!

Richie:
...yeah...

Eddie:
The scouts are in tonight. F*** off and steal something!

Eddie:
I hate this island so much I would rather be in Liverpool!

Richie:
Yes...

Eddie:
A scouser's in tonight. F*** off and steal something.

Eddie:
Yes and here they are, the completely wild knives... covered in wild albatross sh*t.

Eddie:
Yes, look how hard and steely they are. Look how very, very sharp...

Eddie:
Ooh f***in' hell!