Can't Hardly Wait

Ritchie Koolboy:
Aw damn, man. Our boy's a fag, yo.

DJ Sammy:
Yo, who's a fag?

Kenny Fisher:
Yo, both of y'all. That is a "Fragrance of Love" scented candle, b*tch. Damn!

Denise:
Besides, I heard that song was about his dog.

Preston:
It's not about a dog. It's about a woman named Amanda. Who the hell names their dog Amanda?

Denise:
My cousin had a dog name Samantha.

Preston:
Shut up about the dog, OK?

Denise:
There's a mirror right there. Take a look, you're white.

Stoner Guy:
You know who else I like that didn't get much play? Velma from Scooby-Doo. She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady.

Mike Dexter:
I'll kick everyone's ass in this room!

Denise:
Looks like someone's auditioning for "Soul Train."

Preston:
Now, I'm sitting in class enjoying a late breakfast when out of all the classrooms in the school, she walks into mine! And where does the teacher sit her? Right next to me! Up until now, one could write this off to coincidence. But then she reaches in her bag and pulls out a strawberry Pop-Tart - the very same breakfast pastry I was consuming at that moment! What was I to do? How was I to proceed?

Denise:
Just so you know, judging from my little experience, I kind of believe in fate. It just works in really f***ed up ways sometimes.

Preston:
Especially in your case. I'm sorry. You gave that to me, I just had to take it. Take care. Peace out, G!

Exchange student:
Would you like to touch my penis? I am a sex machine!

Exchange student:
Would you like to touch my penis? I am a sex machine! Sex machine.

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
Idlke tschyourenis

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
I'd like to touch your penis!

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
Thush bezt tea weveram sisu gizem chext ear!

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
This is the best party ever! I'm so gonna miss you guys next year!

Preston:
There's one at every party.

Denise:
Kind of makes you never want to drink, huh?

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
Yerd dum shelling yers chair.

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
Did anyone hear that? Someone's yelling for help upstairs!

Kenny Fisher:
Hey, whatsup?

Kenny Fisher:
Damn, it is noisy in here. Wanna go talk outside? Should be quieter out there.

Stephanie, Stoned Girl:
Okay.

Kenny Fisher:
Do you, uh... what a drink?

Stephanie, Stoned Girl:
Okay.

Kenny Fisher:
Uh... how 'bout I poison it?

Stephanie, Stoned Girl:
Okay.

Kenny Fisher:
Hey, whaddya say we, uh... go upstairs and...

Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend:
Stephanie! There you are!

Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend:
Thank God you found her! She just took three thingies of herbal ecstasy and wondered off! She's so out of it, anything could have happened and she probably wouldn't even know it! God, I was so worried somebody was... well you know, taking advantage of her or something. Here, help me get her on her feet.

Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend:
Come on honey, I'm gonna take you to the car.

Stephanie, Stoned Girl:
Okay.

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
Snow stun shy is shy sumber shess sing.

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
I know who Preston Meyers is. I can give you his phone number, his address, anything.

Cop:
Miss, for the last time, please stop crying and give me your name and address.

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
Butolu msahson undsevent norlk.

Mary, Crying Drunk Girl:
But I already told you! My name is Mary Hampson and I live at 1782 Norfolk!

William:
I downloaded this little baby off the Net. I will know exactly how many spirits I may imbibe without affecting my judgment or my behavior.

X-Phile 2:
You have every angle covered.

X-Phile 1:
You know William, from this light, you somewhat resemble David Duchovny.

Angel:
There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you're there its up to you to make it happen.

William:
Witness Exhibit A: My 8th Grade science project - a working rain forest. Mike Dexter threw it out a third story window. It rains here no more. Witness Exhibit B: An eye patch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home ec. My parents took me to a 3D film. I saw no third dimension. And of course, how could I forget the pudding incident? I know no one else has. Well gentlemen, tonight, Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night we fight back. Tonight is our independence night.

William:
You know what they say about women and trolley cars. There's plenty of 'em in the sea.

Kenny Fisher:
Yo, I gotta have sex tonight! I mean peep this - They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo! Hey, you know what that means?

Ritchie Koolboy:
What?

Kenny Fisher:
It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on that shorty be like, "What's up yo?" she be like, "You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa" cuz I don't yo.

Preston:
I don't know about you, but I really believe that there's one person out there, and for me it's gotta be Amanda.

Amanda Becket:
Hi, umm... Do you happen to know who Preston Myers is?

Earth Girl:
Du'uh. He only sat like, right next to you in freshman english. But I guess you wouldn't remember that. I mean, why would Amanda Beckett pay any attention to a unique spirit like Preston, or even a unique spirit like me? Maybe it's because she's a little busy ordering around her little conformist flock of sheep. SHEEP! You are all sheep. Baah!

Earth Girl:
Baah!

Kenny Fisher:
'Sup, ladies? Yo Jana, wanna dance?

Jana:
I'm allergic.

Kenny Fisher:
You're allergic to dancing?

Jana:
Yeah.

Angel Stripper:
Oh I'm the weird one? You're the one calling Barry Mannilow from a phone booth at 2:00 am!

William:
I can't feel my legs, I HAVE NO LEGS!

Reminiscing Guy:
Hey Amanda.

Amanda Becket:
Hey.

Reminiscing Guy:
Remember that time we danced at the sock hop?

Amanda Becket:
Yeah.

Reminiscing Guy:
I just wanted you to know I had the hugest boner and I was just wondering if maybe you and I could get together and... work it out.

Kenny Fisher:
Yo, I'm just pausin' while those two hos over there scratch it out over who gets to knock the boots with me!

Kenny Fisher:
Ya know what I'm saying? Yeah!

Ritchie Koolboy:
What two ho's?

DJ Sammy:
I don't see no ho's yo.

Kenny Fisher:
Yo, what, you callin' me a liar.

DJ Sammy:
Hey, yo why you shovin' cracker?

Ritchie Koolboy:
Yo, you better recognize, fool.

Kenny Fisher:
Why y'all gotta waste my flava? Damn!

TJ:
Yea... they suck! They suck!

Preston:
I can't believe you pointed at her!

Denise:
Look, she didn't see me! What are you, hyperventilating?

Preston:
No, I'm hiransing my chi.

Denise:
What?

Preston:
I'm harnessing my chi.

Preston:
Don't laugh at me!

Denise:
Were you this weird when we went out?

Preston:
Were you this bitchy when we went out?

Denise:
Yes, I was a bitchy eighth grader for that whole week, actually!

Girl Whose Party It Is:
That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen! What is wrong with you people?

William:
Nobody drink the beer, the beer has gone bad!

Angel:
Try having fourty drunk men grabbing your ass, one groom to be throwing up all over you and then have your car break down at 2am and then you can talk to me about having a bad night, OK?

Kenny Fisher:
You got... you HAVE no idea what you're talking about. You don't even know me anymore.

Preston:
Hey, I've got one. Remember when I was trying to pick up that beautiful girl, and you came up to me and started telling all those embarrassing stories?

Reminiscing Guy:
No.

Preston:
Gee, that's funny. Because IT JUST HAPPENED!

Mike Dexter:
Guys, we're gonna be in college soon. You know what there's gonna be in college, right?

Jake:
[beat] Girls that used to be in high school.

Mike Dexter:
No, women. College women. Women with no curfew, women on the pill, women... women, bro. We are staring into the future here. And the future is women.

Yearbook Girl:
Kenny Fisher, sign my yearbook.

Kenny Fisher:
No, thanks. No time.

Yearbook Girl:
Come on. Where's your school spirit? Go Hot Dogs!

Homeboy 1:
B*tch, get a life!

William Lichter:
OK, we're gonna rendezvous here at 0030 hours, all right?

X-Phile 1:
Wait, William. There's gonna be drinking in there.

William Lichter:
Yeah, so?

X-Phile 2:
So what are you gonna do? They're gonna kick you out if you don't drink.

William Lichter:
Well, I will be drinking.

X-Phile 1:
But William, you could get drunk.

X-Phile 2:
You could get addicted.

Preston Meyers:
Any words of encouragement?

Exchange Student:
Would you like to touch my penis? I am a sex machine.

Mike Dexter:
You remember the time that you had to make that really stupid speech, and I kinda sorta tripped you, and everybody started laughing at you in school?

William Lichter:
OK, yeah. Yeah.

Mike Dexter:
I'm sorry.

William Lichter:
Oh, man. Don't worry about it.

Mike Dexter:
Hey, it's ancient history, right?

William Lichter:
It's ancient history.

Mike Dexter:
When was that, anyway?

William Lichter:
That was this morning at graduation.

Mike Dexter:
Oh, yeah.

Cop:
Lichter? William Lichter? Let's go. Your parents are here to take you home.

William Lichter:
Oh... no. Oh... my parents? They're here? They must be so mad at me! Have you seen my father? Does he have a weapon of some kind?

Cop:
Afraid not. Actually, they're more worried about you than anything else. You know, it's not your fault that... [reads from a clipboard in a very sarcastic tone] Mike Dexter beat you up and forced you to drink alcohol until you passed out.

William Lichter:
Wh-what?

Cop:
That's the statement we got from the Dexter kid. He made you drink, took your chothes off.

William Lichter:
He... he said that?

Cop:
Unless... if you have another unconvincing side of the story you'd like to tell...

William Lichter:
No... no, no, no. It's what... yeah. Uh, you know. It's just the funny thing that... he finally came clean, you know? Mike, always picking on me, yeah.

William Lichter:
You see the salt on this pretzel? Look at the stars. Some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of hot gas. But I think maybe, maybe it's just God's salt. And God's just waiting to eat us.

Kenny Fisher:
All right this is it. It is finally time for Kenny Fisher to become... da man. Now I've done my laps, and all ten finalists are present and accounted for. Ten lovely ladies, yo. Each one at my disposal. Ten willing and able tour guides into the theme park of love. But who will it be? Which of you gorgeous ten will be the lucky one?

Kenny Fisher:
[after he spilled water on his pants] Damn, she's gonna think I got that premature evacuation!

Mike Dexter:
Trip McNeely! Geez. You were a sexual icon! You know girls at Huntington still talk about you?

Trip McNeely:
Really? Which ones?

Mike Dexter:
You must be racking up at college. College!

Trip McNeely:
I wish, bro. I can't even get digits as a freshman.

Mike Dexter:
Shut up! Come on, you can tell me.

Trip McNeely:
Seriously, man. I thought college was gonna be a 24-7 orgy. Hell, that's even why I broke up with Janeen before I left.

Mike Dexter:
[after an uneasy pause] S-so, what happened?

Trip McNeely:
[sighs] College chicks are totally different, bro. They're all serious and sh*t. They all talk about world issues and "ecolomological" crap. They all wanna date older guys.

[Tosses an empty beer can aside]

Mike Dexter:
Yeah, but... not all of 'em, right?

Trip McNeely:
Way it goes. Hell, I even tried crawling back to Janeen. She was all cozy with some senior. He's a pre-med. They ALL are. Guys like us... we are a dime a dozen.

[Belches and then chuckles]