Can't Smeg Won't Smeg

Kryten 2X4B 523P:
This is Mr Harriot Sir.

Dave Lister:
I bet you got ribbed about that at school?

20th Century Television Chef:
Ribbed about what?

Dave Lister:
You know having the initials AH. It's funny isn't it, AH?

20th Century Television Chef:
What are you going on about?

Kryten 2X4B 523P:
I think what Mr Lister is getting at is that the initals AH are internationally known as the abbreviation for 'A**Hole'. Ass-Hole, AH, A**hole.

Kryten 2X4B 523P:
Well actually sir she didn't so much volunteer, more like lose the Ippy-Dippy.

20th Century Television Chef:
Our next contestant can't cook but not because he's incapble its because he is a total smeghead. Welcome Arnold Judas Rimmer.

Arnold Judas Rimmer:
Ah Mr Hariott, may I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here.

Kristine Kochanski:
I'm sorry guys but I'm afraid I won't be tasting anything today. It was only last week that I ate a stick of celery and look what it's done. Look at my bum, it's massive.

Kristine Kochanski:
Look at it, my it looks like two hunchbacks arm-wrestling under a rug. Oh dear god it's almost as big as an Americans. Any bigger and it'll need a fire escape. Come on tell me what do you think.

Dave Lister:
Well I don't really want to make a rush decision just give me a couple more hours.