Casanova

Giacomo Casanova:
Now you see the puzzle is, if I were married to Henriette, and separated by hundreds of miles, I'd do anything to be with her. To hell with the job, I'd resign, I'd walk barefoot. Yet you seem decidedly static, why is that? I don't suppose you're having problems? In the marital bed, perhaps? Dare I suggest on your side of the bed. Bit of trouble with the old... [whistles] If you need advice, I'm very good.

Grimani:
How could you possibly advise me? You're a con-man, I'm an ambassador. I have a wife, you have whores. I have children, you have a bastard.

Giacomo Casanova:
Look, if you want a measuring contest I'll drop my pants right now and I'll win.

Grimani:
You talk like a pervert.

Giacomo Casanova:
No, I'm just not scared of what's down there, that's all. Tell me, is cock fighting illegal in this country? 'Cause that's what this is.

Grimani:
You sound more in love with men than women.

Giacomo Casanova:
Men I understand. I know what men think about, all day long. Those stupid little inches, driving you mad every waking hour. I know exactly what's going on in your head. Is it big? Is it big enough? Is it hard enough, will it work every time on demand; cause that's the only thing, that is the only bastard question - am I any good in bed? Is every other man better than me? Is every other man bigger and faster and slower and longer and deeper and harder - what am I doing wrong? How do I find out, cause no one ever talks about it, no one ever says. How can I ever find out what I'm doing wrong? [pause] Ask me.

Giacomo Casanova:
Never lose your heart, Jack. Never let them take it.

Giacomo Casanova:
As they say in these parts, 'ta'.

Grimani:
My marriage is none of your business.

Giacomo Casanova:
And yet I think of nothing else.

Grimani:
And that is your curse.

Grimani:
I have considerable influence within the English court, I can demand an audience with King George the second himself. So go on, try your tricks, and you will fail, I'll see to that.

Giacomo Casanova:
You're just dying to kiss me.

Henriette:
The man of parts.

Giacomo Casanova:
Many parts.

Henriette:
Is that how you win over the ladies? Cheap innuendo?

Giacomo Casanova:
No, you just make all my best lines rubbish.

Giacomo Casanova:
That's my name, people call me Jack. Can't we change his name?

Rocco:
No.

Giacomo Casanova:
Lorenzo, or Caesar, Marco, Stefano, Giovanni... Alison?

Rocco:
No.

Giacomo Casanova:
I wonder if he's an idiot. I talk and talk and he gives nothing back.

Rocco:
Well, maybe if it wasn't all about you...

Giacomo Casanova:
Well I don't know anyone else.

Giacomo Casanova:
This blessed plot, this sceptred isle, this England. What do you think?

Rocco:
Bloody freezing.

Giacomo Casanova:
Yeah that's one thing, what else? Jack - anything? Anything, Jack? Then pay attention both of you, English lesson. The currency's different here, they spend guinea's. Scratching in public is forbidden, that's for you Rocko. But not that - look over there, observe.

Rocco:
That's disgusting.

Giacomo Casanova:
Uh, that's England. They don't piss in doorways like we do, they do it right out in the open.

Rocco:
These English are crazy.

Giacomo Casanova:
And the food tastes different. I'm told the milk is terrible. Oh! And a lot of the men are homosexual... that might have something to do with the milk... might not.

[Bellino, a woman dressed as a man, removes a fake penis from her trousers]

Giacomo Casanova:
Now, mine doesn't do that...

Giacomo Casanova:
Why the disguise?

Bellino:
I was penniless.

Giacomo Casanova:
I've been penniless, I didn't change sex. Well... there was one night, but I was VERY drunk...

Giacomo Casanova:
It's practically the distillation of my life so far - I've become famous simply for being outrageous.

Rocco:
And you can make a living out of that?

Giacomo Casanova:
Rule Brittania!

Giacomo Casanova:
Do you know what 'Casanova' means in the original Latin?

Bellino:
No.

Giacomo Casanova:
It means 'lucky bastard'.

Giacomo Casanova:
You're with the wrong man.

Henriette:
I know.

Giacomo Casanova:
You still haven't said... do you love me?

Henriette:
Yes... yes. Completely. But I need him.

Giacomo Casanova:
[on the verge of tears] Then, thank you for tonight.

Henriette:
[nods] Thank you for the dance.

[Casanova enters the confessional and crosses himself]

Giacomo Casanova:
Bless me father, for I have sinned. Again. Um, I don't know where to start, um. It's money, father, er, love of money is a sin, isn't it?

Priest:
A grave sin.

Giacomo Casanova:
I, I don't love it as such, but I need it, is that a sin?

Priest:
In too great a measure then, yes.

Giacomo Casanova:
It's not for me. You see, there's this woman, um, and I suppose you can include lustful thoughts while you're at it...

[the priest nods]

Giacomo Casanova:
Er, there's this woman, but she's engaged, and all this went on behind her fianc?'s back. Um, not literally.

[remembering]

Giacomo Casanova:
Although I have actually done that... But anyway, um, first of all I was with another woman, and I slept with her, sorry, er, well, I slept with her lots of times so, very sorry. Um, but before that she was a man. I was going to sleep with a man, sorry. But it turned out she had a false penis down her trousers.

[the Priest clutches at his heart]

Giacomo Casanova:
So, I slept with her, without the false penis obviously, um,

[dreamily]

Giacomo Casanova:
although we did find a way of using it... But never mind that. You see, I, I was just trying to be honest, like the sisters told me, um. Oh yeah, two sisters. I slept with them, both at the same time, er, er, lots of times, I suppose I should, I should mention that.

Priest:
[clutching at his heart] Oh dear God!

Giacomo Casanova:
I know, I know, but at least I didn't sleep with their mother.

[Remembering]

Giacomo Casanova:
Although I have actually done that, um, I suppose you should put that on the list. Two sisters, and a mother, and... oh and those nuns... two nuns, you might know them.

[the Priest keels over]

Giacomo Casanova:
So, all in all, it's been a bit of a time, really, and I've ended up penniless. So, what do you think I should do, father?

[Silence]

Giacomo Casanova:
Father? Father?

[Grimani meets Casanova at a second party]

Grimani:
Oh, it's that man again.

Giacomo Casanova:
Are you following me? People'll talk.

Rocco:
Morning. You look like sh*t.

Giacomo Casanova:
What? I look like you?

Rocco:
Watch your lip.

Rocco:
Casanova and Son.

Rocco:
She took off her engagement ring. She took the diamond and she used it. She scratched in the window. And she left you a message. [window reads: "You will forget me"]

Prisoner:
You'll be a fugitive. You'll be exhalt from Venice for the rest of your life.

Giacomo Casanova:
I'll come back.

Grimani:
Giacomo Casanova. I arrest you in the name of the great Council of Venice for offences against the Government and Church.

Henriette:
Jack!

Giacomo Casanova:
Henriette!

Grimani:
The prosecution asks for the maximum sentence. To be instituted forth with.

Judge:
Guilty!

French Nobleman:
Wait a minute! Did you say Casanova? The man who escaped from prison? Climbed over the roof?

Giacomo Casanova:
That's me.

French Nobleman:
Oh, sweet lord! You're famous!

Grimani:
I challenge you.

Giacomo Casanova:
Alright! I accept!

Giacomo Casanova:
Why are you doing this?

Grimani:
You've dishonored my name.

Edith:
But you're not like that.

Older Casanova:
I'm Casanova.

Leonilda:
[to Casanova] The man who'll try anything. That's what you're famous for. That's your legend.

Bellino:
You would make the finest husband, Giacomo, but you were never meant to be someone's wife.

Edith:
That's all your reputation is, for filth!

Older Casanova:
Since when was it filth to love a woman?

Edith:
That's not love, that's sex, something quite different!

Older Casanova:
And you would know, would you?

Giacomo Casanova:
I'm a spy.

Grimani:
How d'you mean a spy?

Giacomo Casanova:
A spy. I spy. That's me, the spy. Of course, being a spy I really shouldn't say I'm a spy or I'm spied by a spy.

Grimani:
I suppose you can prove it?

Giacomo Casanova:
What? You want me to spy on something? Um, look, there's a canal, I spied it. Look, it's still there. Ooh, and again.

Edith:
Is it all going to be like this?

Older Casanova:
Like what?

Edith:
Pornography.

Older Casanova:
No. Pornography's over there, second shelf on the left.

Grimani:
How can the church maintain its authority when the language itself is beyond reason? For example; in the Latin, can anyone explain to me why the word for vagina is masculine and the word for penis feminine, he had no answer.

Giacomo Casanova:
Well I suppose you could say it's because the slave always takes its name from the master.

Henriette:
If you're going to pretend in this city then you only have to remember one thing; they're all pretending - high born, low born, the people in between, everyone's wishing they were someone else. All you have to do is lie with conviction.

Rocco:
Its all bollocks that stuff.

Giacomo Casanova:
Ah, but since you were born under the sign of a ram, with you're tangent in the ascendant, I knew you were going to say that.

Rocco:
Very funny.

Giacomo Casanova:
And that.

Rocco:
You can't just...

Giacomo Casanova:
And that.

Rocco:
Don't you...

Giacomo Casanova:
And that.

Rocco:
It's not...

Giacomo Casanova:
And.

Rocco:
If you...

Giacomo Casanova:
And!...

Giacomo Casanova:
This is beginning to scare me.

Edith:
You don't have to go into detail. I'd appreciate it if you kept it clean.

Older Casanova:
That leaves about three pages.

Henriette:
Quite the gentleman.

Giacomo Casanova:
Quite the lady.

Henriette:
Quite bored of this. Goodbye.

Landlord:
That smell's the tannery; God help you in summer. If there's one good thing, the rats can't climb this high, but the water can - that roof hasn't got long.

Giacomo Casanova:
You're not exactly selling it.

Angela Tosello:
I find all forms of theatre vulgar.

Giacomo Casanova:
Yes, absolutely, good point. Even puppet shows?

Older Casanova:
[writing] Gentlemen...

Giacomo Casanova:
Gentlemen!

Older Casanova:
[writing] I'm sure we can sort this out amicably...

Giacomo Casanova:
I'm sure we can sort this out amicably!

Older Casanova:
[writing] Look at it this way...

Giacomo Casanova:
Look at it this way; if you could do what I could do, then you would do it too!

Older Casanova:
[writing] But you can't.

Giacomo Casanova:
But you can't! I can, and I have, and I'll do it again! So, you should be happy for me, just a little tiny bit, don't you think? And *you*, sir, just consider; you love your wife. *I* love your wife! Aren't we both on the same side? If you think about it, I'm... I'm, um... what was it?

Older Casanova:
I'm hungry.

[first lines]

Giacomo Casanova:
Bollocks!

Casanova aged 12:
[speaking for the first time] Yes!

Grimani:
...Who the hell are you?

Giacomo Casanova:
Right! Yes! Hello! Giacomo Casanova! Nice to meet you. Hello.

Grimani:
Giacomo Casanova of...?

Giacomo Casanova:
...of...?... the Casanova family. Obviously.

[grins and snorts]

Grimani:
And that would be Mr and Mrs Casanova and all the little Casanovas?

Giacomo Casanova:
That's me, yes! Nice to meet you. I've said that, haven't I? Still. Still true.

[smile]

Grimani:
...It's very good to meet a man of learning, Giacomo. And you, more than anyone, will appreciate the delicacy in the precise latin; manus, the hand...

[holds up his right hand]

Grimani:
Pudnas, the fist...

[clenches hand]

Grimani:
and percutio... to punch!

[punches Giacomo in the face]

Giacomo Casanova:
Oof!

[falls over]

Grimani:
Nice indeed to meet you, peasant. Now, fetch me some wine.

Older Casanova:
[to Edith] You want sex?

Edith:
...I beg your pardon?

Older Casanova:
If you know my reputation, then you must have expected this. Well, fine! If you want initiation, let's get on with it.

Edith:
[about Henriette] She's still out there, Sir. She's still out there.

Edith:
Is it true, Sir? All those stories about the old days?

Older Casanova:
Twenty one years old. Dressed in Florentine lace and Chinese silk. Versed in Latin and Greek, French and Spanish and philosophy and science, and theology and music. A head full of facts and britches full of fire. And a heart already in love. In love with that city: The Republic of Venice.

Edith:
That's Henriette?

Older Casanova:
Oh, yes.

Edith:
They say she was beautiful.

Older Casanova:
You'll never know. Everyone in these pages are dead. I'm the only one left.

Giacomo Casanova:
Excuse me, but I haven't actually been introduced to the Lady.

Grimani:
Henriette. Henriette Marianne Del Bitasse. My fianc?.

[last lines]

Edith:
She's on her way. She's almost here. She's here.

Dalfonso:
You are charged with heresy. To wit: fornicating with a novice!

Casanova:
She was hardly a novice.

Casanova:
Be the flame - not the moth.

Lord Papprizzio:
You see that trunk over there shaped vaguely like a salami?

Fulvio:
Yes...

Lord Papprizzio:
Well, it's filled with salamis.

Dalfonso:
Eternal damnation for one night with Casanova.

Sister Beatrice:
Seems fair.

Servant Girl:
My Lady says the pig must stay outside, but the animal, we'll take.

Casanova:
I've got to stay here. If I go with you they'll be looking for both of us. It's too dangerous!

Giovanni Bruni:
What if you never left?

Casanova:
Casanova, the philosopher? Who devotes his life to the perfection of experience? Yes, I know him.

Francesca Bruni:
No, Casanova the libertine, who devotes his life to seducing women.

Casanova:
Well, we're obviously talking about the same person.

Casanova:
I've never sought glory as a lover.

Sister Beatrice:
What then, senor Casanova, do you seek?

Casanova:
A moment that lasts a lifetime.

Francesca Bruni:
Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him. If that woman were me I would love him alone and forever.

Pucci:
Heresy is what *I* say it is.

Andrea:
This is the last time I travel coach!

Pucci:
A massive amount of fornication can lead to confusion.

Pucci:
Witchcraft!

Pucci's servant:
Actually, sir, it's because hot air rises, counteracting the gravitational forces of... witchcraft.

Casanova:
What's this 'we?' You slapped him, you fight him.

Casanova:
And what did we do that for?

Lupo:
I don't know.

Victoria:
Bishop Pucci

Pucci:
How can I help you my dear?

Victoria:
I was a virgin. My virginity was my most cherished possession. My gift from God. My gift was taken from me.

Pucci:
Tragic and most damnable. What was the name of this vile seducer?

Victoria:
Giacomo Casanova. When Casanova came to my room and... robbed me... I fought for my honour

Pucci:
Are you saying that you would be willing to give me the testimony that I need to hang him?

Victoria:
Yes. But I would be worried about my reputation.

Pucci:
Of course. But I think we could say if everything went according to plan we could return your reputation *and* your virginity to you.

Victoria:
You could do that?

Pucci:
Oh, yes. We are the Catholic Church. We can do anything.

Lord Papprizzio:
Oh, there you are!

Pucci:
Yes, you are! Not!

Lupo:
We were worried about us.

Lupo:
Look at the state of us! Where have we been all night?

Casanova:
Congratulations, we're getting married.

Casanova:
What, are you two working together now?

Casanova:
Do we have a spare sword?

Lupo:
Yea we do.

money collector:
I want my money!

Lupo:
Next week, without fail.

money collector:
You said that last week.

Lupo:
I was a week early.

money collector:
Go to hell.

Lupo:
We'll see you there sir.

Casanova:
No, Lupo, I'm... oh, could I have some tea?

Lord Papprizzio:
I hope she doesn't think I'm, uhmm, I don't know, what's the word? What's the expression I'm looking for?

Lupo:
Rotund?

Lord Papprizzio:
Excuse me, what did you say?

Casanova:
The choice of lime is very sliming.

Lord Papprizzio:
You're too kind.

Lord Papprizzio:
I want you to transform me. Transform me.

Lord Papprizzio:
I'm not going, I don't want to go, you can't make me!

Casanova:
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Casanova:
Yes, I can.

Lord Papprizzio:
Oh, God.

Casanova:
Good God, you've achieved the impossible.

masked woman:
Have you seen my husband?

masked man:
I am your husband.

Lord Papprizzio:
[to Pucci] It's what I've been saying, stupid.

Andrea:
[refering to Francesca] There's a man who's after her.

Lord Papprizzio:
Oh really, does she like him?

Andrea:
[after seeing Francesca with Casanova] Such bad news for you, Signor Paprizzio.

Lord Papprizzio:
[silence]

Lord Papprizzio:
O! Calamaity. She's thrown me over.

Andrea:
Disgraceful.

Lord Papprizzio:
Oh, well. A scandal.

Andrea:
You're a free man now.

Lord Papprizzio:
Oh, dear. What will I do?

Pucci:
Does your nurse enjoy executions?

Mother's Lover:
Does the Pope have a balcony?

Francesca Bruni:
True love does not grow with the number of lovers. It wastes away.

Actor:
Has the ice man come?

Beautiful Masked Woman:
Yes, and he comes again tomorrow!

Giovanni Bruni:
I'm in hell.

Francesca Bruni:
I'm busy.

Casanova:
I, too, come here to make confession.

Francesca Bruni:
What have you to confess?

Casanova:
Well, let's see. Jealousy. Pride. Covetousness. Despair. And you?

Francesca Bruni:
I came to prepare my soul for marriage.

Casanova:
I have too long dominated the conversation. What are your thoughts on the matter?

Francesca Bruni:
What did you just say?

Lupo:
The apple is very distracting.

Casanova:
She has a fiance...

Lupo:
So do you.

Casanova:
She has a secret lover? Who?

Giovanni Bruni:
I don't know, it's a secret.

Dalfonso:
Where is Casanova?

Sister Beatrice:
I've taken a vow of si-...

Pucci:
Let's just say... they have a hunger for religion.

Giovanni Bruni:
You have sullied my glove! I mean, uh, my love. My love.

Casanova:
I'm sorry. What did he just called us?

Lupo:
We didn't sully it. It just came out of nowhere.

Pucci:
Casanova bought a pig. Casanova took pig to Bruni house. Is anyone going to explain this?

Pucci:
Aha! So we meet Casanova. I find it very hard to believe that THIS is what women want.

Giovanni Bruni:
You've sullied my love. Victoria Donato is my fianc?e.

Casanova:
Is she?

Giovanni Bruni:
Yes. In the sense that I am going to marry her.

Casanova:
Ah. Well, she never mentioned that.

Giovanni Bruni:
Of course she didn't. I haven't asked her yet.

Casanova:
To say I love falsely is as contradictory as to say I believe falsely.

Lupo:
We were worried about us!

Casanova:
You were right to be. We're getting married.

Lupo:
Congratulations. To whom?

Casanova:
Don't know yet.