Cashmere Mafia

Zoe Burden:
[to Victoria] Just so you know, I don't blame you for hitting on my husband. He's a good-looking guy. And he's an adult. I trust him to make his own decisions. But don't hit on my kids, EVER AGAIN!

Alicia Lawson:
Look, if someone doesn't want to be on a date with me, then guess what? They don't have to be on a date with me.

Caitlin Dowd:
That guy at the club last night, when he asked me if I was with you, I should have said it. I didn't want to say it. He'd just ask me questions. Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I with you? These are things other people know about themselves that I, apparently, don't know about myself. It's really scary to realize you don't know them. I've never even had a really serious, really successful relationship. I don't think I can honestly say I've even had a semi-serious, moderately successful relationship. These are things you should probably know about me before you get in a relationship with me.

Alicia Lawson:
Caitlin, we just met a week ago. We haven't even had a complete date yet.

Caitlin Dowd:
So, too soon for the R-word then?

Mia Mason:
What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be on your "lady date"?

Caitlin Dowd:
I screwed it up! We ran into this guy I used to go out with and I should have told him to get lost, but I didn't.

Mia Mason:
Ugh!

Caitlin Dowd:
I know! I just stood there, this guy I used to go out with on one side of me, and this girl I'm going out with on the other side of me, and I'm thinking to myself, "Do I even know how to have a relationship?" 'Cause I don't think I do! My life is like a romantic comedy that's never romantic... or comedic. My life is nothing like a romantic comedy!

Juliet Draper:
[to Caitlin] You're gay now?

Mia Mason:
Oh, she's not gay. You know what? She's hip. It's the thing to do. It's like when everyone was pregnant, you know. Lesbians are the new babies.

Caitlin Dowd:
Excuse me, can the possible lesbian answer that question? I don't know if I'm gay or I'm straight. I don't want to join a union yet or anything. I met someone I like. It happens to be a woman. That's all I got. Just please, be supportive. I don't want your opinion or permission. And don't act like this never happened to any of you.

Mia Mason:
Well, I went to Wellesley. It's practically part of the curriculum.

Zoe Burden:
I made out with Jenny McGruber at summer camp. She was really good at lanyard. I had some amazing plastic jewelry that summer.

Juliet Draper:
I was trying to process one lesbian... [stares at Mia and Zoe] Now I have three.

Zoe Burden:
Let's do you next. What man do you want from this list?

Caitlin Dowd:
I'm good.

Zoe Burden:
What? What do you mean "You're good?" You're never "good".

Caitlin Dowd:
Thanks a lot. I am... have a date.

Zoe Burden:
Really?

Juliet Draper:
You did mention last week you kissed someone.

Mia Mason:
You've been holding out on us. With whom?

Caitlin Dowd:
With a woman.

[Mia, Zoe, and Juliet all stare wide-eyed and shocked at Caitlin]

Mia Mason:
You really have been holding out on us!

Caitlin Dowd:
There's a new blog out called 'Regrets Only' which posts gossip on women in business. Read what the latest post has.

Zoe Burden:
[reading from the printout] "Which Lily Parish Cosmetic executive has been seen canoodoling all over town with her hot, chocolate ad agency rep? These ladies are sharing more than makeup tips."

Mia Mason:
Canoodoling? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Caitlin Dowd:
Never mind. "Hot chocolate"? What does that make me?

Mia Mason:
A marshmellow?

Caitlin Dowd:
Oh my God!

Mia Mason:
What? "Oh my God, good?" Or, "oh my God, bad?"

Caitlin Dowd:
Oh my God, crap!

Alicia Lawson:
Look, if you're not into this, if you've had a change of heart...

Caitlin Dowd:
I haven't, I haven't!

Alicia Lawson:
Good, because I like you, little that I know you. But I'm not your lesbian test drive.

Caitlin Dowd:
OK, time out. Honestly? I have been stressed out of my mind with the usual work stuff, and this blog thing, and us.

Alicia Lawson:
Us? If this is stressing you out, then what are we even...

Caitlin Dowd:
No, the thing is, I get like this. And I need you to hang with it. I'm not stressing out because I'm gay or I'm straight. I don't really care anymore if I'm gay or I'm straight. I just... I need to be in control of my life and this past week, I haven't been. OK? I really want to kiss you right now.

[points to the pimple on her forehead]

Caitlin Dowd:
Is this zit going to be a problem?

Alicia Lawson:
Not if I'm too close to see it.

Mia Mason:
No right-minded woman with the ability to kill this cover wouldn't kill this cover.

Todd McDonnell:
You're killing the cover?

Mia Mason:
No, you're killing it.

Todd McDonnell:
It's a great cover, Mia. It's loud, it's obnoxious. It's going to make a huge splash. I woun't kill it unless you order me to.

Mia Mason:
Don't you think we're sending the wrong message here? Shouldn't we be telling men that they shouldn't be so threatened when a woman succeeds? That a woman can work hard and be good at what she does? As good as a man. You know what? Sometimes, even better. And that that man will respect me and love me, maybe even love me more? Not just run away and never call, not even to say, "Hey, how ya doing, how's the job and oh, God, I'm sorry we didn't get married, but I'm still thinking about you!" Huh? How about that?

Todd McDonnell:
Are we still talking about the magazine cover?

Mia Mason:
Yes!

Emily Draper:
[reading from a gossip blog] "Which red-headed Queen of Mean hotel exec leaves husband and daughter to fend for themselves while she builds vacation paradises for the idle rich? Much more to come on this." Can that sound more like you?

Caitlin Dowd:
[into the phone] I'm sorry, I just... I wasn't sure. Not about you. Just, all of it.

Alicia Lawson:
[into the phone] Caitlin, I saw the blog. Are you okay?

Caitlin Dowd:
Yeah. Just kinda came out of left field... for me... all of this.

Alicia Lawson:
Can we get together? Let's meet tonight for a drink. We really need to talk.

Caitlin Dowd:
Yeah. Some place dark would be good.

Caitlin Dowd:
It's not bad enough I'm slammed at work. I get outed as a blind item in this ridiculous blog? Whatever happened to a woman's right to kiss another woman in public without it being posted all over the internet? I hate the freaking internet!

Mia Mason:
Stop it! You're spinning.

Caitlin Dowd:
I know! But I was just exploring all of this, and now I'm a parlor game for bored assistants. And, I haven't heard from Alicia for days. I don't even know what she's thinking.

Mia Mason:
The phone works both ways. You can call her. I'm sure she's wondering what you're thinking.

Caitlin Dowd:
Really?

Zoe Burden:
[about Katherine] I hate what she's good at.

Eric Burden:
Which is?

Zoe Burden:
I mean the rack, the bod, the whole blond man-trap thing.

Eric Burden:
Man-trap?

Zoe Burden:
Yeah, my mom used to say that. I mean, she's like Business Barbie.

Mia Mason:
Why is there a man about to be eaten by a woman on the cover of my magazine?

Todd McDonnell:
It's the zeitgeist. Female execs are taking over. Movie studios, Silicon Valley, maybe our next president, God help us. The whole paradigm is flipped. Men are holding on for dear life. They want help.

Mia Mason:
I'm sure they do. And I get that controversy sells, but honesty? Corporate women are faceless cannibals? Who thinks like that?

Todd McDonnell:
All men.

Juliet Draper:
How do you take your coffee? My treat.

Cilla Gray:
Light, no arsenic.

Juliet Draper:
I'm looking forward to it, darling.

Caitlin Dowd:
I just dip my toe in the gay pond and I'm outed?

Zoe Burden:
[to Juliet] So, this is it? This is really going to happen? You're going to do it?

Mia Mason:
Of course she is.

Zoe Burden:
Look, I'm all for fighting fire with fire. But revenge sex? I mean, doesn't that seem a little "Yuck"?

Mia Mason:
If your husband cheats on you, you're officially entitled to one free "yuck." It's the law.

Juliet Draper:
Bobby Walsh is in town.

Zoe Burden:
Now? I thought...

Juliet Draper:
Apparently he couldn't wait. I thought I see him tonight.

Zoe Burden:
Talk about burying the lead.

Juliet Draper:
I didn't say anything back there because I didn't want to get the cheering squad all riled up. I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Zoe Burden:
You want me to talk you out of it? In which case, I would open with the remote, but undeniable possibility of contracting as STD. Then there is the Fatal Attraction syndrome.

Juliet Draper:
Davis has been on his best behavior.

Zoe Burden:
That's big of him.

Juliet Draper:
You know, he was even talking about romantic getaways, going back to this resort we loved in Anguilla.

Zoe Burden:
Wow! You ready for that?

Juliet Draper:
Not at all. I'm starting to think Cilla was more than the meaningless fling that Davis makes her out to be.

Zoe Burden:
What makes you say that?

Juliet Draper:
That blog. A fling wouldn't lead to that kind of vitriol. Clearly, this was more. Hell hath no fury like a mistress scorned.

Mia Mason:
I don't think having a dog is... sorry... an animal companion is about being ready, or who you live with, or how much you work, or how many pets you have... I think it's about feeling something. I mean, how do I explain this bond that I have with this dog that I met three days ago who just lies there like a lump and has really smelly breath? But I do. I just think that feeling is so rare... with a man, with a friend, with a dog, with a job... that when you find it, you just can't let it go.

Caitlin Dowd:
Denis, the show is in two hours.

Denis:
I'm sorry, but I can't do art on a timetable.

Caitlin Dowd:
Yes, you can. That is what I paid you for. Okay, is there anything actually finished on here that a human being could wear?

Denis:
We did a pair of pants and some city shorts.

Caitlin Dowd:
I gave you the opportunity of a lifetime, and you're showing me a pair of fricking shorts?

Mia Mason:
I think that we should be in each others' systems, right from the start. You know? Like, we want to be with each other all the time.

Jason Chung:
So, what are you saying?

Mia Mason:
I'm saying that yes, I agree with you. It's a little weird that I'm so obsessed with this dog.

Jason Chung:
Okay, good...

Mia Mason:
But, it feels so great to be crazy about someone you just met. And frankly, I don't think that we feel that way about each other.

Jason Chung:
I don't know if I've ever felt that way about anyone.

Mia Mason:
Well, you will. I think this is goodnight, Jason.

Juliet Draper:
Yes, Len, I guess I could wrap my head around signing a confidentiality agreement, as long as you'd sign one, too. But we're really getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we?

Len Dinerstein:
I don't like to waste time. I'd rather be direct.

Juliet Draper:
So would I. My relationship with my ex-husband... we were less than honest with each other.

Len Dinerstein:
Been there. Hope it didn't put you off monogamy.

Mia Mason:
I've always wanted to own a dog, but I never thought I had the time.

Animal Handler:
We don't say owner. We say "guardian" or "life companion." "Owner" implies dogs are property, instead of living beings in their own right.

Mia Mason:
Okay, well then, I've always wanted to be a life companion to a dog.

Animal Handler:
So, could you please list all your previous pets, starting with childhood.

Mia Mason:
Are you kidding? Chinese families aren't even allowed to wear shoes in the house.

Denis:
I can do this.

Caitlin Dowd:
Under pressure? Can you pull enough of these pieces together by Friday so we can have some semblance of a show?

Denis:
Semblance? Was Tom Ford's first for Gucci a "semblance of a show"?

Caitlin Dowd:
Oh, aim high. I like that. Go. Start. Sew.

Zoe Burden:
The only reason you'd leave the office to track me down is if you needed something from me.

Clayton:
I don't need anything. But now that we've landed Tate, don't you want to come back to the office and put his money to work?

Zoe Burden:
Tate wants to know where I am, and you don't have an answer.

Clayton:
Actually, I told him you were having your eyes done.

Zoe Burden:
You what?

Mia Mason:
OK. I'll say it. You're nervous about mixing friends and business.

Juliet Draper:
I am not! [long pause] Okay, I am... a little.

Caitlin Dowd:
We always mix friends and business. We do! We just did. Isn't that the point?

Juliet Draper:
Our board understands that we know our brand better than anybody and they trust me to do my job. I'm pretty sure with all your money, you wouldn't want to be stuck battling with me on a daily basis.

Len Dinerstein:
I don't know. Battling with you on a daily basis might be fun.

Lily Parrish:
That ungrateful little meiskeit. I was supporting that pishkeh when he was nothing!

Caitlin Dowd:
Blond, Irish, brother who's a priest? The only Yiddish I know is 'shmear' and 'shiksa'. Translation?

Zoe Burden:
Mia got the job, and Jack called it off.

Caitlin Dowd:
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. And screw him.

Mia Mason:
Well, not anymore

Zoe Burden:
Brooke, Katherine... What is it with these girls? It's, it's like Generation Y gave way to Generation I.D.

Eric Burden:
I.D.?

Zoe Burden:
I deserve.

Zoe Burden:
Is it hard for you to stay faithful to me?

Eric Burden:
Where'd that come from?

Zoe Burden:
Davis is having an affair with Cilla Grey.

Eric Burden:
Does Juliet know?

Zoe Burden:
Mia and Caitlin and I, we're telling her tomorrow.

Eric Burden:
Wow. Will you bring nets and a tranquilizer gun?

Dan Dowd:
I think the real danger you're in here is ending up crazy and alone like Aunt Ruth. Because you weren't brave enough to put yourself out there or sure enough of God's love to realize that you deserve to be loved too, for who you are.

Caitlin Dowd:
The Pope would have your collar if he heard you talking like that.

Dan Dowd:
I'm talking not just as your priest, but as your brother, and I want what's best for you. You've been dating for 20 years.

Caitlin Dowd:
15!

Dan Dowd:
Whatever. And at some point, I think it's okay if you admit that it's not about finding the right guy anymore. It's about the right person.

Caitlin Dowd:
Well, I don't even know if she's gay or straight. I don't know if I'm gay! I'm just... I don't know if she even gave me a second thought. Just, there was this vibe, you know? We're just going for drinks. Drinks are safe. You think?

Dan Dowd:
I think you can do better than me for the dating do's and don'ts.

Caitlin Dowd:
That's true.

Caitlin Dowd:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been God only knows when since my last confession, and here are my sins. Um... I think I might be gay. I don't know if I'm gay. Oh, God.

Jack Cutting:
You know, that's what I hate about working with women.

Mia Mason:
What?

Jack Cutting:
You make like you're playing by the rules, but when push comes to shove, out come the little looks and the sexy little signals.

Caitlin Dowd:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! We're all wearing black?

Zoe Burden:
Well, it is New York.

[Juliet walks in and sees everyone wearing dark suites]

Juliet Draper:
Okay. Who died?

Caitlin Dowd:
I have a teleconference with Tokyo. I gotta run. I love you.

Zoe Burden:
My nanny quit.

Mia Mason:
Oh, no...

Zoe Burden:
A whole thing...

Juliet Draper:
I have to have sex with Davis.

Caitlin Dowd, Zoe Burden, Mia Mason:
OH!

Juliet Draper:
He's going on a business trip tomorrow. It's superstitious good luck thing with us.

Mia Mason:
Kind of like a little bone-voyage?

Mia Mason:
It's not winning without you.

Jack Cutting:
Sorry Mia.

Juliet Draper:
Take a good look around at all of our friends. Go on.

Davis Draper:
Okay.

Juliet Draper:
Now you won't know when and you won't know who, but I'm going to take one of them as my lover and I'm going to do things with him that would curl your toes. And then I'm going to end it and you and I can start over with a clean slate.

Caitlin Dowd:
So, like a month into it, my first real girl thing, great dates, great but different sex, she turns to me and goes, "I'm pregnant."

Sam Morgan:
Whoa. You don't see that coming.

Caitlin Dowd:
No, you do not. And isn't that something you share with someone before getting in a relationship with them?

Sam Morgan:
Did she just find out or was she trying to hide it from you?

Caitlin Dowd:
She's like, three months along!

Sam Morgan:
And you didn't notice any weight gain or...

Caitlin Dowd:
I thought it was, like, "I'm so in love" poundage. There is nothing in the self-help section for this particular twist, I'll tell you that right now.

Alicia Lawson:
Why is it so hard for you to be straight with me?

Caitlin Dowd:
No pun intended?

Alicia Lawson:
No jokes, Caitlin.

Caitlin Dowd:
Excuse me, I like joking. It saves the people I care about from hearing what I really think, like, I dunno, say, somebody's trying to bust me for not being straight with them, when meanwhile, she knew she was pregnant way before she let me in on it?

Alicia Lawson:
All right!

Caitlin Dowd:
I mean come on!

Alicia Lawson:
All right, all right! Look. It's perfectly normal for you to do the going-back-and-forth thing. And you throw in that I'm pregnant, and I'd have been shocked if you hadn't.

Caitlin Dowd:
Wait. So now you're cool with it?

Alicia Lawson:
I don't want to own you. I just want to trust you. No, I'm not cool with it. I'm a little crushed, to tell you the truth. And, it also took me about an hour and a half to figure out what I was going to wear to lunch with you, so...

Nicholas Branch:
How many of the guys in the office has Katherine been through?

Zoe Burden:
One that I know of. How did you know?

Nicholas Branch:
It's a type. In my office, there's a Claudia and a Joelle.

Alicia Lawson:
Sweetie, I didn't want to tell you until I was a hundred percent sure it was for real this time. I'm pregnant.

Caitlin Dowd:
How?

Alicia Lawson:
A donor. My ex and I had been trying for a while. And after we split up, I was still in such a place of wanting a child, I tried one last time. [pause] Aren't you going to say something?

Caitlin Dowd:
Uh... Congratulations?

Jason Chung:
Is Jack going to be there?

Mia Mason:
[laughs] No.

Jason Chung:
Any other old boyfriends?

Mia Mason:
No. Just my closest girlfriends.

Jason Chung:
Anything else I need to know?

Mia Mason:
It's a dinner, not a procedure.

Jason Chung:
Everything's a procedure.

Katherine Cutler:
Zoe, Clayton promoted me because he has confidence in my abilities. He keeps telling me to take more initiative.

Zoe Burden:
Yeah, and we're all very appreciative of your abilities. But Clayton isn't handling this deal, I am. Which means that...

Katherine Cutler:
[intrupting] That you're pulling rank.

Zoe Burden:
That I'm responsible for everything that happens on this deal. Which means I lead, you follow. And you don't make a move without clearing it with me first.

Katherine Cutler:
Okay! I hear you and I get it. I'm really sorry. Would it be okay with you if I peed before heading back into the conference room?

Zoe Burden:
Forget this one deal, which I made happen. I have generated more business for Gorham Sutter than anyone else. And yet the only people who get promoted around here are men; white men, to be blunt.

Henry Gorham:
I don't like what you're insinuating.

Zoe Burden:
I am not insinuating anything, Henry. I'm saying it straight out. It doesn't matter to you, does it, that I have given everything to this firm, including my integrity?

Henry Gorham:
Integrity? Come on, this is Wall Street. As far as a promotion goes, well, you know that that is a tricky process. Your time will come.

Zoe Burden:
Oh, I know it will, Henry. It just won't come here.

Henry Gorham:
Well, not if you keep up like this.

Zoe Burden:
Don't worry, I'm not going to. I quit.

Mia Mason:
Are you here now because you got a good job?

Jack Cutting:
No.

Mia Mason:
Well, 'cause that's what it sounds like. You see me on some level, and if you're not on that level or above, then you can't be with me.

Jack Cutting:
You're reading too much into it.

Caitlin Dowd:
Am I ready to be a parent, which I would have to do with this other parent, Olivia, who already hates me and is my doppelganger?

Mia Mason:
I didn't think she was that pretty.

Olivia Case:
First, you're straight. Then, you're gay. Then, you're bi.

Caitlin Dowd:
And now, I'm getting drunk.

Olivia Case:
This is my baby, and you just don't seem like much of a role model.

Caitlin Dowd:
How do you know so much about me? Did Alicia tell you that?

Olivia Case:
Here's another thing. I hope you don't plan on having this kid call you "Mommy." This family's topping out at two mommies.

Caitlin Dowd:
Listen, you have no genetic relation to this child and neither do I. The only one who does is Alicia, so maybe we should be letting her make some of the calls.

Olivia Case:
You've got a lot to learn about lesbians.

Cilla Gray:
I just wanted to say... and I wish someone had told me this the first time I got divorced... it's actually a very liberating experience. I'm sure there are parts of you that have gotten buried or lost in this marriage. You get all that back. Plus, the summer house.

Mia Mason:
Liz, I know that you came here to show me that this is your territory now, but the fact that you had to make an appearance when you knew I'd be here, proves that it's not.

Liz Morin:
Aww. You just can't handle that Jack's moved on.

Mia Mason:
And you can't admit that you're the rebound girl. Enjoy the bounce.

Liz Morin:
[holds up a scarf] Oh, this what you were looking for? Thanks for letting me borrow it. I got a lot of compliments on it.

Mia Mason:
Don't you have any clothes of your own?

Liz Morin:
I really don't wear much when I'm here.

Mia Mason:
Could you not talk much when you're here? I don't even know how you can, without a teleprompter.

Cynthia Tate:
Zoe, I know how difficult it is for women to rise in this field, mothers especially.

Zoe Burden:
Oh, the stories I could tell. But to work with a woman of your stature on something as meaningful as this, I just... I would love it.

Cynthia Tate:
That's what I like about women; they talk to each other. And if this moves forward, I'll need someone to talk to.

Zoe Burden:
Me too.

Alicia Lawson:
Olivia!

Caitlin Dowd:
Olivia?

Alicia Lawson:
My ex, the one I was trying to get pregnant with.

Olivia Case:
You must be Caitlin. I didn't mean for this to be so awkward.

Caitlin Dowd:
It wouldn't have been, if we'd known you were coming.

Olivia Case:
Alicia told me about the appointment.

Alicia Lawson:
I didn't think you wanted to be here.

Olivia Case:
Why wouldn't I? It's my baby, too.

Dr. Jane:
The baby looks healthy, in case anyone's wondering.

Mia Mason:
Maybe this is the universe telling me things aren't over between me and Jack.

Caitlin Dowd:
Please don't go by the universe. Every time I've done that, I end up in a strange apartment, hunting for my thong.

Caitlin Dowd:
My girlfriend is pregnant. My girlfriend is pregnant. You say it.

Mia Mason:
Your girlfriend is pregnant.

Caitlin Dowd:
No. It still sounds crazy. I mean, what do I do? Do I stay with her? What does that make me, other mommy? Mommy Two?

Mia Mason:
B*tch.

Caitlin Dowd:
I think I prefer Mommy Two.

Davis Draper:
Rafe has helped me see that you had just as much to do with this marriage failing as I did. I am not going to be the bad guy here.

Juliet Draper:
Oh, really? What are you being now, the ing?nue? You stole money from our mutual account.

Rafe Gropman:
If it was mutual, he didn't steal.

Juliet Draper:
[to Davis] You cheated on me!

Davis Draper:
And you cheated on me.

Juliet Draper:
Hardly.

Davis Draper:
And you rubbed it in my face. At least I had the decency to try to keep my affair a secret.

Juliet Draper:
Yes, the first word that springs to mind when I think of your affair with Cilla is "decency."