Cedric the Entertainer Presents

Cafeteria Lady:
That's Mrs. Cafeteria Lady, Nathaniel. Now unlike yo' mama, some of us know how to keep a husband!

Woman on "?Qu? hora es?":
TELEMUNDO!!!!!

Cafeteria Lady:
You may be a math teacher over there, but in here, you nothin' but a substance abuser that can count to ten!

Mama:
Now, fifteen liars that told the same lie don't make it true. If I was to put syrup on a shoe, you wouldn't called it a pancake, would ya?

[court grows quiet]

Mama:
ANSWER ME!!!

Mama:
Randy Moss, call me!!

Mama:
You want national security? I got a church full of nosy ol' ladies. Put them in the CIA and they'll find out everybody's business. They'll tell you where Osama *been* and where Osama gon' be!

Mama:
[when Glen Cox interrupts] Excuse me, but was I talking to you? Did you hear your name? Was I talking to you? Did you hear your name? Did you hear *it*?

Glen Cox:
No, but--

Mama:
Did you hear IT? Answer me!

Glen Cox:
No.

Mama:
Well, you need to shut up when grown folks is talkin'. You need to learn your manners. This whole country needs to learn their manners.

[replies to request of green beans]

Cafeteria Lady:
Ain't no mo' green beans! Just mashed potatoes and corn!

Glen Cox:
Since you are a natural blonde, how long did it take for you to put it on with those eagle talons you call nails, Mama?!? (laughs)

Interviewer:
Oh no, you didn't!

Mama:
First of all, it is my hair. I got the receipt in my purse to prove it. And second, don't you *ever* talk to Mama like that again, or I'm gonna beat you until this belt sizzles! (snaps belt)

Glen Cox:
You will do no such thing!

Mama:
Bring it on!

[A question is asked about global warming.]

Mama:
You asked the right person about global warming. I heated a whole house with a blow dryer and and a waffle iron. You do the math!

Glen Cox:
This answer is as ridiculous as this mink tarp that you've got around your buttocks. It's summertime.

Mama:
First of all, that's sable, so that shows you where you at. And second of all, I ain't afraid of no man that I can see the top of their head. He little!

[on the game show "Taste Buds"]

Howard:
[tastes food] It's served on an open grill...................You know what this can use? Some hot sauce!

Game Show Host:
Looks like you'll have to stop guessing meats.

Mama:
Work that bling-bling, baby!

Baby:
How do you know all that stuff?

Malik:
I'm advanced. My nanny said so.

Trey:
You mean the one that shakes you.

Swipe from "Thug Prankz":
Ho-hum. A lovely day at the grocery store. I don't think so, trick!!

Woman on "?Qu? Hora Es?":
[crying] Jos? Cuervo Margarrrita!!

Cafeteria Lady:
The green beans are for the children. Children like little Joey. Family's so po' they house sittin' on a kickstand!

[Joey leaves]

Cafeteria Lady:
Come back here, Joey! You know yo' mama ain't comin' back 'till last call!

Cafeteria Lady:
Somebody need to get they white mama to get they black grandma and teach her how to do her hair!

Mama:
Did you do it? Did you embezzle that man's 3 million dollars? You better tell me before I slap you cross-eyed!

Man:
No, Mama!

Mama:
I'm satisfied!

Lawyer:
Mama , this is--

Mama:
Sit yo' a** down!

Woman:
You are the worst lawyer ever!

Lawyer:
Nobody didn't say nothin' when you was out killin' people!

Spencer Elwood:
There has been a certain issue. One that has touched me directly.

[plays "Hail to the Chief" on the radio]

Spencer Elwood:
This whack-behind Presidential song! You can't Harlem-shake to that!

Cafeteria Lady:
I'm a bicycle with the seat off, I'll get in yo ass!

Cafeteria Lady:
I'm like a gay guy at a strip club, I really don't care!

Cafeteria Lady:
Hey there, what are them books you readin?

Man:
Nothing you would understand; It's beyond your scope!

Cafeteria Lady:
Let me tell YOU what's beyond scope, your breath!

Cafeteria Lady:
Well I am like a double shot of Novocain, I ain't really feelin' for you!

Cafeteria Lady:
I'm like an unpaid electric bill, I'll put your lights out!

Cafeteria Lady:
I'm like a overheated hot-air balloon, I'll drop it like it's hot!

Cafeteria Lady:
I'm like a cup of coffee; I'm hot, black, and strong!