Celebrity Deathmatch

[each episode's closing line]

Johnny Gomez:
Good fight, good night.

[to Ernest Hemingway]

Mankind:
You know what the difference between your book and mine is? MINE WEIGHS MORE.

[Clobbers Hemingway with his book]

Mills Lane:
Let's get it on.

Mills Lane:
All right, young ladies, this is a fight to the death. Now death may not be something you two have thought about, so let me just explain...

Mary-Kate Olsen:
[interrupting, to Ashley] I hate you!

Ashley Olsen:
I hate you more!

Mary-Kate Olsen:
You're stupid!

Ashley Olsen:
You're stupider!

Mills Lane:
[breaking up the girls' slapping match] Ladies, I haven't even started the fight yet!

Mary-Kate Olsen:
She started it!

Ashley Olsen:
No, she did!

Mills Lane:
[giving up after they try and hit each other] On second thought... just go ahead and get it on!

Anna Kournikova:
[about opponent Elizabeth Hurley] Yes, I called her ugly, but I should have called her a pig! I should have called her a hideous, swirly moonie face! I hate her, I hate her! Aaaaaaaaaah!

Cher:
[to Bette Midler] Hey, Midler! You got a wide load sign for that ass?

[Axl Rose pulls out a sharp object from under his kilt]

Johnny Gomez:
Nick, what the hell is this psycho doing?

[Celtic music played in background]

Nick Diamond:
Ancient Scottish soldiers wearing kilts such as Axl's always carried a dagger strapped to their ankle. Tradition has it that once a soldier removes it from its scabbard, he can't put it back without drawing blood... even if it's his own.

Johnny Gomez:
It's scissors, Nick.

[Celtic music abruptly stops]

Nick Diamond:
Oh... uh, that must be a different tradition.

Alfred Hitchcock:
[to Steven Spielberg] Good evening, Steven. Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents... your death.

Debbie Matenopoulos:
You may be a reanimated corpse, Stacey, but you don't scare me! I've dealt with bigger stiffs than you!

Stacey Cornbread:
Oh yeah? LIKE WHO?

Debbie Matenopoulos:
Like Meredith Vieira, THAT'S WHO!

Johnny Gomez:
What the? [to Nick] WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TAPE?

Nick Diamond:
Oh shoot, I...

Johnny Gomez:
Don't tell me! You have the only copy of this historic Beatles fight with all these new songs and you've recorded over its- Tell me it's not true!

Nick Diamond:
What can I say, Johnny? I'm a JAG Maniac!

Johnny Gomez:
You're a JAG Off! [to the audience] Sorry folks. I'll make sure he pays for this. For Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez.

Nick Diamond:
And I'm...

Johnny Gomez:
[to Nick] A DEAD man! [to the audience] Good fight, good night! [Punching Nick 2 times, to Nick] You stupid, harmless-!

[interviewing Barry Bonds]

Johnny Gomez:
Uh, Tally, can you tell the cameraman to zoom out a little bit? We can only see Barry's head.

Tally Wong:
The cameraman is 300 yards away, Johnny.

Johnny Gomez:
Sweet corn-fed cranium! That's one ginormous head!

Antonio Banderas:
I'l brand you with an L, for loser!

Cheech Marin:
And this is like a bad trip!

Oliver Stone:
I know that your sorry ass won't be movin!

Martin Scorsese:
Okay, lets se your best shot!

Oliver Stone:
Here's my vision. Your brain splattered all over the map!

Johnny Gomez:
[one of the Spice Girls is ripped in half] Looks like we'll have to change her name to "Shorty Spice".

Mills Lane:
Gloves don't fit? Why don't you use your bare hands, dammit!

O.J. Simpson:
Whatever!

Kobe Bryant:
Look, up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane!

Shaquille O Neil:
Superman? Where?

Shaquille O Neil:
[Kobe impales Shaq with a pitchfork] Shaq, you're a super dumb-ass!

Kobe Bryant:
Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!

Shaq O'Neil:
Superman? Where?

Kobe Bryant:
[Kobe impaling Shaq with a pitchfork] Shaq, you're a super dumb ass!

Chris Rock:
[Screams] Who the hell are you?

Deathmatch Security Guard:
Celebrity Deathmatch!

Chris Rock:
Never heard of you, now get the hell outta my house!

Deathmatch Security Guard:
You're coming with us!

Chris Rock:
The hell I am! [to Malaak] Hey Baby! Come along and call collect!

Deathmatch Security Guard:
Bag him! [Security Guards bags Chris Rock while Chris screams]

Johnny Gomez:
Witness the carnage, as six rock'n'roll superstars tear each other apart, like cheap hotel rooms. Will music soothe the savage celebrity? Not bloody likely! Find out for sure, right now, on Celebrity Deathmatch!

Nick Diamond:
You know, Johnny, they say that if you remember the sixties, you weren't really there.

Johnny Gomez:
Who says that?

Nick Diamond:
I don't remember...

Jimi Hendrix:
So you've been at this rock star thing, what, twelve or thirteen years?

Lenny Kravitz:
So?

Jimi Hendrix:
I did my thing in four years. What you been doing all this time?

Lenny Kravitz:
Hey, I'm a Grammy winner!

Jimi Hendrix:
Ain't nothing to be proud of!

Nick Diamond:
This fight is over, Hendrix wins!

Mills Lane:
Good work, son. Now hop back in the machine, and we'll send you back to the sixties.

Jimi Hendrix:
What? But I won! I don't wanna go back, the future is cool!

Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[Grabs Hendrix] Thanks for stopping by. [Throws Hendrix into the time machine] See ya on the other side. [Activates time machine] Frickin' hippy.

Shaggy:
Me? What about Ziggy? He sings all your songs. He even looks like you!

Bob Marley:
He's me son, I love Ziggy.

Shaggy:
Yeah, but you go'n name him after the worst damn comic strip ever?

Bob Marley:
[Kicks Shaggy] Oh, like Mr. Shaggy should be callin' people names. So, Mr. Shaggy, where is your Mystery Machine? [Kicks Shaggy] 'Ey, Shaggy, where is Velma? Have you and Scooby-Dooby Doo solved any mysteries today?

Bob Marley:
Ok, brah, once and for all... who is the best reggae star ever?

Shaggy:
My music is more than just reggae!

Bob Marley:
Wrong! [Impales Shaggy on dislodged ringpost] Who is the best reggae star ever?

Shaggy:
Uh... Peter Tosh?

Bob Marley:
[Impales Shaggy again] Last chance, who is the-?

Shaggy:
Yellowman? [Impaled] Jimmy Cliff? [Impaled] Alpha Blondy? [Impaled] Burning Spear? [Impaled] Lee 'Scratch' Perry? [Impaled] Toots and the Maytals? [Impaled] UB40?

Bob Marley:
UB40? Hell no!

Keith Richards:
Let me up, and I'll give you my cool skull ring.

Dave Matthews:
First, you tell me how to make an album like Exile on Main Street.

Keith Richards:
I don't rememebr that one, but I do know of a pain street, because that's where you're moving!

Keith Richards:
You know, Dave, as the great philosopher Jack Daniels once said, when the going gets tough, the tough get blood transfusions. And I must say, I recommend them if you're ever feeling, y'know, not-so-fresh... hey, why aren't you attacking me?

Dave Matthews:
That stuff you put in there? That ain't blood, Keith.

Keith Richards:
[Reads label on blood sac] Rockin' razzmatazz raspberry rush? Oh bloody hell! What have I done?

Keith Richards:
[Mellowed out] Hey, David. Come over here, and I'll stroke your hair ever so gently.

Nick Diamond:
What a night. We start with a transfer of vomit, and end with a transfer of blood!

Stone Cold Steve Austin:
That don't surprise me one bit. Rock star's all about exchanging bodily fluids. [laughs] Nick, you never should've called me a sweaty, vest-wearing gorilla. Now I got no choice but to go rock star on your Greek ass and drop you like a 27-inch trinitron!

Nick Diamond:
Hey, what the-! [Stone Cold throws him from the announcer's booth]

Johnny Gomez:
Ooh, Nick's gonna feel that when he wakes up.

Johnny Gomez:
Witness the queen-sized carnage, as daytime talk-show behemoths collide. Feel the noise as two rock-star brothers bash each other's brains in. And, fasten your seat-belts as the world's two biggest action heroes decide who is m?s macho. Tonight, on Celebrity Deathmatch!

Mills Lane:
Okay, I've explained the rules to you both, several times. I expect a tough, clean fight. Obey my command at all times. Any questions?

Oprah Winfrey:
I have one, Mr. Lane. Whose butt does Rosie kiss more? Tom Cruise, or Barbra Streisand?

Rosie O'Donnell:
I've got another one, which is more pathetic? Oprah's show, or her stupid weight obsession?

Oprah Winfrey:
How about this one, Mr. Lane. Who would you rather have sex with? Rosie, or Free Willy?

Mills Lane:
Uh... uh, let's get it on!