Celebrity Poker Showdown

Dave Foley:
What's the point of having warm testicles if your nipples are cold?

Phil Gordon:
Even Jesus wouldn't bet all of his chips on a Jack-three!

Dave Foley:
Or, well, if he did, by the time the cards hit the table they'd be different.

Phil Gordon:
[stands up] I'll read the chip count if you can put your hand on the top of my head.

Dave Foley:
[looks at Phil's crotch, which is eye level with him] Which one?

Robert Thompson:
[catch phrase] Shuffle up and deal!

Kevin Nealon:
You do any voice-over work, Robert?

Robert Thompson:
No, but can you give me some?

Kevin Nealon:
Nope.

Robert Thompson:
Okay.

Dave Foley:
Okay, why don't we see how the chips are stacking.

Phil Gordon:
Ask nicely.

Dave Foley:
Would you please do a chip count?

Phil Gordon:
Okay.

Travis Tritt:
[using smokless tobacco] Just remember, nobody has ever died from secondhand spit.

Wanda Sykes:
They will if they spit on the wrong motherf***er.

Wanda Sykes:
Are you trying to look at my cards?

Jerome Bettis:
I ain't thinking about your cards.

Wanda Sykes:
Whether it was my cards or my breasts, you lookin' at something.

Jerome Bettis:
I think both of them small.

Mo Gaffney:
It's awfully quiet at the table, a little too quiet. But it won't be anymore. [points to her drink]

James Woods:
There is no shame in folding. There is shame in wearing that shirt, but there is no shame in folding.

Himself - Host:
Well, you prematurely ejaculated all you chips over Norm MacDonald.

Matthew Perry:
Would this be a good time for everybody to feel the felt?

Matthew Perry:
Do what your heart tells you!... wish I hadn't said it.

Penn Jillette:
[about Comedy Central] They fired my hairy ass!

Seth Meyers:
Just so you know Amy, I had 3 Kings.

Amy Poehler:
You had 3 Kings!

Seth Meyers:
Yep.

Amy Poehler:
You only had 2 cards!

Seth Meyers:
Gotta pay to see 'em.

Amy Poehler:
You had a two-headed King on your card?

Seth Meyers:
Yeah, I guess like...

Amy Poehler:
They're very rare, two-headed Kings.

Seth Meyers:
A King slept with a Queen that was his cousin.

Guy in audience:
Crush him, Gail!

Seth Meyers:
Hey! I'm right here.

Gail O'Grady:
You're an ass.

Seth Meyers:
I know.

Himself - Host:
At this point I'm a little upset that Amy Poehler has opted the nickname 'Lady Fantastic'

Phil Gordon:
She is playing great poker though

Himself - Host:
I know but that is my nickname, Phil. I have been 'Lady Fantastic' since the mid 70s

Amy Poehler:
We have to think of some nicknames for each other.

Seth Meyers:
Yep... your Foldy.

Hank Azaria:
Your Over-Bet, right?

Seth Meyers:
I'm Over-Bet.

Amy Poehler:
Over-Bet, Foldy.

Hank Azaria:
Probably I'm Tamera.

Gail O'Grady:
I was gonna ask you why.

Hank Azaria:
Why not?

Amy Poehler:
I would like to be called Lady Fantastic for the rest of this game.

Jeff Gordon:
I wanna be called Paris Hilton because I'm going down faster than her.

Hank Azaria:
This is the dirtiest game I've ever played.

Jeffrey Ross:
That's the dirtiest t-shirt I've ever seen.

Hank Azaria:
Look at what he's wearing. How can he stay on the clothes thing?

Jeffrey Ross:
What's wrong with my shirt?

Seth Meyers:
What I like about your shirt, Jeff, is they did those things on the arms and when they were done they go, "You know what, we need it down the middle aswell. We need more of it."

Amy Poehler:
It's like a built-in tie.

Jeffrey Ross:
Anything?

Hank Azaria:
Honestly, it's like Stevie Wonder would've rejected that shirt.

Jeffrey Ross:
Bobby, anything?

Gail O'Grady:
I like they menu. I mean, you got a little bit chocolate chip and some fruit, it's kinda like the menu.

Cheryl Hines:
Hey, are you allowed to undo that?

Dennis Rodman:
Yes honey.

Ryan Stiles:
That's not the first time he's ever heard that.

Cheryl Hines:
I'm gonna throw up. It's so early on and I feel like throwing up.

Ryan Stiles:
I wish you would because you've been talking about it for a long time.

Cheryl Hines:
Why do I keep looking at you, Ryan. You are no help and you only mock me.

Cheryl Hines:
What's it called when you're doing well and you're on a high and it's a...

Ryan Stiles:
Alcohol.

Phil Gordon:
Now Ryan with no pair, no draw.

Himself - Host:
But maybe that balls you were seeking.

Phil Gordon:
Yeah...

Himself - Host:
In your quest.

Ryan Stiles:
Oh sure, I win a pot and suddenly your around wanting to get me drinks.

Himself - Host:
How are ya?

Cheryl Hines:
I'm good. I'm a little sad and slightly drunk.

Kevin Nealon:
Did you think that was a good thing to do?

Tournament Director:
If I could play poker, I would be sitting there.

Kevin Nealon:
If I knew how to hold a mike, I'd be over there.

Brad Garrett:
Ray, save me a pillow!

Ray Romano:
Ohhh! Bradley Johnson!

Brad Garrett:
It's okay, it's a winner. I'm not going to that lounge!

Brad Garrett:
Because there are 40 other tables out there. This place blows! And, I have decided that my charity has enough money!

Brad Garrett:
Show me 3 diamonds and I'll wax your back!

Brad Garrett:
Rewrite the books, Phil! Rewrite the books!