Charade

Peter Joshua:
How about making me vice president in charge of cheering you up?

Regina Lampert:
I can't stand these things... it's like drinking coffee through a veil.

Regina Lampert:
I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else.

Peter Joshua:
Well, if anyone goes on the critical list, let me know.

Adam Canfield:
Wow, when you come on, you come on, don't you?

Regina Lampert:
Oh, come on!

Regina Lampert:
Do you know what's wrong with you?

Peter Joshua:
No, what?

Regina Lampert:
Nothing!

Sylvie:
It is infuriating that your unhappiness does not turn to fat!

Regina Lampert:
How do you shave in there?

Regina Lampert:
Of course, you won't be able to lie on your back for a while but then you can lie from any position, can't you?

Inspector Grandpierre:
We use the guillotine in this country. I have always imagined that the blade, coming down, causes no more than a slight tickling sensation on the back of the neck. It is only a guess, of course. I hope none of you ever finds out for certain.

Peter Joshua:
So you think *I'm* the murderer? What do I have to do to convince you that I'm not, be the next victim?

Regina Lambert:
Well that would be a start.

Adam Canfield:
Well, what did you expect me to say? That a pretty girl with an outrageous manner means more to an old pro like me than a quarter of a million dollars?

Regina Lampert:
I don't suppose so.

Adam Canfield:
Well, it's a toss-up, I can tell you that.

Regina Lampert:
What did you say?

Adam Canfield:
Hasn't it occurred to you that I'm having a tough time keeping my hands off you?

Adam Canfield:
Oh, you should see your face.

Regina Lampert:
What's the matter with it?

Adam Canfield:
It's lovely.

Adam Canfield:
What's the matter now?

Regina Lampert:
I'm not hungry anymore; isn't it glorious?

Tex Panthollow:
She batted them pretty little eyes at you, and you fell for it like an egg from a tall chicken!

Inspector Grandpierre:
Tell me, Mister Dyle. Where were you at 3:30 a.m.?

Adam Canfield:
In my room. Asleep.

Inspector Grandpierre:
And you, Mrs. Lampert?

Regina Lampert:
I was, too.

Inspector Grandpierre:
In Mister Dyle's room?

Regina Lampert:
No, in my room.

Inspector Grandpierre:
Obviously you're telling the truth, for why would you invent such a ridiculous story?

Regina Lampert:
Marriage license, did you say marriage license? Oh I love you Adam, Alex, Peter, Brian, whatever your name is.

Sylvie Gaudel:
He must've known Charles pretty well.

Reggie Lampert Vass:
How can you tell?

Sylvie Gaudel:
He's allergic to him.

Inspector Grandpierre:
This nose tells me when you are lying. It is never mistaken, not in 23 years. This nose will make me commissioner of police.

Leopold Gideon:
Well, you know I'd tell you if I had it.

Tex Panthollow:
Oh *naturally*, just like I'd tell you if I had it.

Leopold Gideon:
*Naturally*. And that goes for Herman too.

Tex Panthollow:

Inspector Grandpierre:
Three of them. All in their pyjamas? C'est ridicule! What is it, some new American fad?

Peter Joshua:
Why do you think Tex did it?

Reggie Lampert Vass:
Because I really suspect Gideon and it's always the person you don't suspect.

Peter Joshua:
Do women find it feminine to be so illogical, or can't they help it?

Adam Canfield:
Heroin, peppermint-flavored heroin.

Reggie Lampert Vass:
Come in. I've got something that stings like crazy.

Alexander Dyle:
You're the kind of girl who'd have something like that.

Alexander Dyle:
How are you doing?

Herman Scobie:
HOW DO YOU THINK?

Alexander Dyle:
If you get bored, try writing 'Love Thy Neighbor' a hundred times on the side of the building!

Peter Joshua:
Is there a Mr. Lambert?

Regina Lampert:
Yes.

Peter Joshua:
Good for you.

Regina Lampert:
No it is'nt, I'm getting a divorce.

Peter Joshua:
Please! Not on my account.

Regina Lampert:
Why do people have to tell lies?

Peter Joshua:
Usually it's because they want something. They are afraid the truth won't get it for them.

Regina Lampert:
Oh wasn't it Shakespeare who said: "When strangers do meet in far off lands they should ere long see each other again"?

Peter Joshua:
Shakespeare never said that!

Regina Lampert:
How do you know?

Peter Joshua:
It's terrible. You just made it up.

Tex Panthollow:
Oh, poor old Herman. It seems like him and good luck always was strangers. Well, maybe now he'll meet up with his other hand some place.

Regina Lampert:
We'll have lots of sons and name them all after you.

Regina Lampert:
I'm in the book.

Peter Joshua:
Are you?

Regina Lampert:
Charles is.

Peter Joshua:
Is thre only one Charles Lampert?

Regina Lampert:
Lord I hope so!

Regina Lampert:
Could I have one of those?

Peter Joshua:
One of what?

Regina Lampert:
I think Tex did it.

Regina Lampert:
You know, I can't help feeling sorry for Scobie. Wouldn't it be nice if we were like that?

Peter Joshua:
What, like Scobie?

Regina Lampert:
No, Gene Kelly.

Regina Lampert:
Any minute now we could be assassinated. Would you do anything like that?

Peter Joshua:
What, assassinate someone?

Regina Lampert:
No, swing down from there on a rope to save the woman you love. Like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Regina Lampert:
Which one are you?

Peter Joshua:
A truthful white-foot.

Regina Lampert:
Come in. Sit down.

Peter Joshua:
Why, do you want to look at my feet?

Regina Lampert:
Yes.

Regina Lampert:
Here it comes, the fatherly talk. You forget I'm already a widow.

Peter Joshua:
Well, so was Juliet, at fifteen.

Regina Lampert:
I'm not fifteen.

Peter Joshua:
Well, that's your trouble. You're too old for me.

Peter Joshua:
Reggie, cut it out.

Regina Lampert:
Okay.

Peter Joshua:
Well, now what are you doing?

Regina Lampert:
Cutting it out.

Peter Joshua:
Who told you to do that?

Regina Lampert:
Brian Crookshank. Serves me right if I get stuck with that one.

Regina Lampert:
This is a ludicrous situation. I can think of a dozen men who are just longing to use my shower.