Charlie Brooker's 2014 Wipe

Victor Spirescu:
That's all we have time for this week. Go away.

Charlie Brooker:
Also in May, the BBC attempted to rally the nation with when Corden Met Barlow, in which national treasure James Corden met national treasure Gary Barlow, in a bid to solve a mystery of how they both became national treasures. The end result was a dispiriting road trip in which Barlow did all the driving. I mean, he could have got a cab but he prefers to avoid taxes.

Charlie Brooker:
This year's ceremony was hosted by Ellen Degenerate and was chiefly memorable for one particular moment in which she gathered some stars together for a selfie. The end result being sadly only the second most viewed image of Jennifer Lawrence available this year.

Philomena Cunk:
There was this really good sort of film thing called 12 Years A Slave. I wasn't sure I'd understand it because I haven't seen One Years A Slave, or Two Years A Slave or any of the others, but it turns out that didn't matter because I didn't understand it anyway. The main bloke in it was a violinist, right. And he was really good at violinism. Like Nigel Kennedy. But unlike Nigel Kennedy, he ran off to join the circus and accidentally joined a farm instead. Not just any farm but like the harshest farm ever. They all liked to collect like bits of cloud that had got stuck on trees. Which sounds like a really nice job from a ferry boat but actually looked quite knackering. The people they worked for were really out of order. Like in that film Horrible Bosses. I'm not saying this lightly because it's a big label to put on someone, but I actually think some of the boss people in it were a little bit racist. They kept treating him like sh*t. And you're like, "Tell them to shove their job, mate!" But he never did. Eventually the main bloke goes, "Sod this, you know, 12 years a slave is enough for me. "I can't hack it anymore." It was good they made it but they didn't really need to because they don't have racism in America any more. When they voted for Obama they sorted all of that out. You know, drew a line under it. These days, America has changed and black people can be whatever they want to be. As long as it's either president or shot.

Barry Shitpeas:
[Speaking of Russell Brand] He's like a sort of cross between Jesusand Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. He said how rich people, like him, were sh*t. And we shouldn't listen to them. So I didn't know whether to listen to him or not.