Chelsea Lately

Herself - Host:
Chuy, do you have any advice for Gary Coleman?

Chuy Bravo:
Yes. Hook up with a drunk blonde.

Herself - Host:
Chuy, have you ever called 911?

Chuy Bravo:
No, I don't know the number.

Herself - Host:
[when talking about the word 'midget'] For the record the 'm' is silent and it's pronounced nugget!

Herself - Host:
[On Amanda Bynes' Retiring Announcement] I mean, really? You have enough money from whatever that show was called to retire?

Herself - Host:
Megan Fox is complaining. Well she's not complaining, but she's talking, so that's annoying.

Chelsea Handler:
[about the song All Night Long] It is a good song to have sex to. That's what I was just thinking about. I'm sorry. I was just thinking about having sex.

Lionel Richie:
Well I would like to make an announcement though. When I wrote All Night Long, it was 'All Night Long'. Now, All Night Long is now down to a fierce thirty minutes.

Greg Fitzsimmons:
I thought all chickens were lesbians because they always run when they see the cock.

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, have you ever tried Grey Poupon? Do you even know what we're talking about right now?

Chuy Bravo:
You know what, it's none of your business what I poop on.

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, what's the weirdest thing you've ever seen in a bar?

Chuy Bravo:
You sober.

Kurt Braunohler:
She's twenty-two years old. I mean, like do you even remember who you were dating at twenty-two? I honestly, I think at twenty-two, I was dating a hand towel.

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, what do think about Newt Gingrich pulling out of the campaign?

Chuy Bravo:
I wish his dad had pulled out.

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, who's your favorite Korean person?

Chuy Bravo:
Korean Abdul-Jabbar.

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, what's the most romantic thing you've done for a girl?

Chuy Bravo:
A courtesy flush.

Chelsea Handler:
If Christopher Columbus was Jewish, what would you say to him?

Chuy Bravo:
[holding up a loaf of challah] How much the challah cost?

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, finish this phrase: I scream, you scream, we all scream...

Chuy Bravo:
...in a plane crash.

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, you like Ann Curry, right? Didn't you date her?

Chuy Bravo:
I don't eat Indian food.

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, say Snuffleupagus.

Chuy Bravo:
Gof***yourself.

Chelsea Handler:
Chuy, do you know who Abraham Lincoln is?

Chuy Bravo:
Of course.

Chelsea Handler:
What was he?

Chuy Bravo:
I don't know.

Herself - Host:
[On Grumpy Cat fans] If you are tweeting a cat, it's time to check your life.

Announcer:
[voice over] I love the day after Mother's Day. All the mothers are 50% off.

Chelsea Handler:
You even broke her hymen and didn't have the courtesy to replace it.