Christmas Vacation

Clark:
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse.

Bethany:
Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark:
No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

Todd:
Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark:
Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd:
You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark:
I wasn't talking to you.

Clark:
Burn dust, eat my rubber.

Rusty Griswold:
You mean burn rubber, eat my dust.

Clark:
Whatever

Clark:
Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh*t he is. Hallelujah. Holy sh*t. Where's the Tylenol?

Clark:
Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the suit cases, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

Clark:
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

Eddie:
Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Clark:
'Tis the season to be merry.

Mary:
That's my name.

Clark:
No sh*t.

Uncle Lewis:
Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark:
Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis:
Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

Clark:
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Ellen:
What are you looking at?

Clark:
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an a**hole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

Eddie:
Shitter was full.

Clark:
Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Ellen:
Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

Clark:
He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Bethany:
Don't throw me down Clark.

Clark:
I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...

Ruby Sue:
Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.

Clark:
Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue:
Shittin' bricks.

Clark:
You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue:
Sorry. Shittin' rocks

Ellen:
Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark:
That's all part of the experience honey.

Eddie:
I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark:
Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Clark:
Where's Eddie he usually eats these God damn things.

Clark:
We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

Audrey:
We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?

Clark:
No, I have one of those at home.

Eddie:
You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark:
Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Eddie:
If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.

Clark:
I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.

Eddie:
If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all.

Ellen:
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Margo:
And why is the carpet wet, Todd?

Todd:
I don't Know Margo.

Eddie:
Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

Audrey:
Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen:
Well, I'm sleeping with your father.

Audrey:
I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.

Art:
If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.

Ellen:
Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.

Aunt Bethany:
Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis:
Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Art:
Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.

Ellen:
Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

Aunt Bethany:
Is this the airport Clark?

Aunt Bethany:
Is Rusty still in the navy?

Aunt Bethany:
What's that sound?

Uncle Lewis:
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant

Frances:
Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

Art:
So do washing machines.

Todd:
I can't just attack someone.

Uncle Lewis:
Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.

Clark:
Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen:
He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

Clark:
If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Clark:
I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Ellen:
Are you okay?

Clark:
Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen:
Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

Clark:
I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

Clark:
Russ, we checked every bulb didn't we?

Clark:
Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Clark:
Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary:
You have your coat on.

Clark:
Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

Clark:
Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.:
Oh, yeah.

Clark:
How'd you get through it?

Clark Sr.:
I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Ruby Sue:
Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark:
I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

Ellen:
Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.

Clark:
WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

Clark:
The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

Ellen:
You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark:
When have I ever done that?

Ellen:
Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

Clark:
I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Audrey:
Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Eddie:
Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.

Clark:
My cousin in-law whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie:
I appreciate that, Clark.

Clark:
...Is innocent.

Art:
Lights aren't twinkling Clark: I know Art and Thank you for noticing

Shitter's Full!

Clark:
Aunt Bethany, could you say grace?

Aunt Bethany:
What? Grace died 30 years ago?

Uncle Lewis:
THE BLESSSSSINNG!

"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here...with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey sh*t he is! Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?"

—Clark W. Griswold Jr.

Clark speaking to his "cousin-in-law", Eddie:
"If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised."