Churchill: The Hollywood Years

Lord W'ruff:
I want you to take this to the King's bedroom. [hands him a book]

Bendle:
Oh?

Lord W'ruff:
Place it beside his bed.

Bendle:
'Me in Kamp F'. What's this, a gay prison story?

Lord W'ruff:
No, it's 'Mein Kampf'. It's by a German. Full of interesting ideas. Make sure the King sees it.

King George VI:
Right, show's over, time to go home, ok? Come on, let's go. Come on, obey me, please, I'm the king.

Potter:
[Elizabeth has bitten him on the hand] Me fikkin' wanking hand!

Hitler:
[Hitler is trying to pick up Elizabeth when he notices Eva Braun behind him] Oh. Eva. My little sister... cook... thing...

Chester:
Good luck, Mr. Churchill. Win the war for us, won't you sir?

Winston Churchill:
You bet. God bless America. [leaves the train]

Chester:
I wish I was American.

Hitler:
What is this with you Americans? With the f***ing this and f***ing that and up ze butt and in ze ass. You can't even say this word proberly, as the English taught you. It is arse, arse arse!

Winston Churchill:
Okay. Now whats it all about, Alfie? Huh? What'd they tease you at school? Is that it? Is that why you gotta make the whole f***in' world pay? C'mon, tell me your story. I'm all f***in' ears, man. C'mon, a**hole!

Hitler:
What is this with you Americans, with the: "focking this" and "focking that" and "up the bott" an' "in the ass"? You can't even say this word properly as the English taught you, it is - "arse"! "Arse!" "Arse!" Und jaaa, Sherlock Holmes, I waaas teased at school, but, I got over it. I breaked up the teachers in that school and set fire to it!

Winston Churchill:
Well, that's a real nice story. But now, it's time for you to kiss your "arse" - goodbye.

Waitress:
You keep your sticky fingers off me back-bums!

Prime Minister:
Come on, guys. You *are* winding me up, huh? Winston Churchill, one of the greatest - British heroes - of the century, was actually an American GI? I mean that's like... meher.

Princess Elizabeth:
Our country needs us - desperately!

Princess Margret:
Well, you go and fight the Germans then, Ms Lilly Perfect b*tch.

Bendle:
[looking at a copy of Hitler's book - "Mein Kampf"] "Me in Camp F"? What's this, a gay prison story?

Hitler's Pilot:
[to Hitler] Mein Fuehrer. It's such an honour to be the pilot who flies you here on such a top secret mission; a secret that I will not impart to a living soul.

Martin Boorman:
[shoots Hitler's Pilot 13 times with a pistol from point blank range]

Lord W'ruff:
[to Hitler] Please, let me take your bags. [to self] Wh-Wha-what a funny thing.

Goering:
[to sentry] My name is Hermann Goering, you Schweinhund! [to chauffeur] Drive on! Drive! Leave him! [to sentry] Ptwerh!

Hitler:
[to pet pug dog] Oooh, Waaaffles! Oh, my little Waffles. Little Liebchin, Waffles. My wuffly, puffly, woofly, poofly. Woof, woof, woof. Little Waffles, my little aeroplane. Yes, you are.

King George VI:
[to royal guests] Right, show's over. Time to go home - okay? C'mon. Let's go. C'mon, obey me please, I'm The King. Off you go. C'mon on. Sod off. Come on. Come on with you. Off you go, now. Jolly good. C'mon on, now. Back to your homes, or embassies, or wherever you're from. Put that glass down and f*** off!

Lord W'ruff:
The German Chancellor, Sir. He's just invaded France.

King George VI:
G-good. 'bout time someone did. [to Adolf Hitler] Well it very nice to meet you, Mr Heffner.

Bendle:
What would you like you lovely big lump?

Goering:
Two huge flagons of wine and... a pig! Stuffed with a chicken and... put a couple of steaks on its ears.

King George VI:
[to Hitler] You're a madman! I've suddenly realised who you are! I seen you a film! And, you had this shoe! Ahhh-a-and, you ate it! Ha, ha! Ah, disgusting! He absolutely disgusting! [to everyone else] I say, stay away from this chap. He's an absolute fruit.

Lord W'ruff:
[whispers something to King George VI]

King George VI:
[to Hitler] Ah, Chaplin! That's it. Good man, Chaplin.

Denzil Eisenhower:
Oh, I'm just a token black guy in this war?

Winston Churchill:
Exactly! Now get outta here before we run out of cliches!

Eva Braun:
God! You are so anal! "Aaanal Adolf." That's what all your friends call you.

Hitler:
I have no friends!

Hitler:
I am The Fuerher. I'd like you to know I have a complete set of testicles.

Princess Elizabeth:
One is very pleased to hear that.

stage performer:
[singing] Hitler, has only got one ball. Goering, has two but very small. Himmler, is somewhat similar. And poor old Goebbel's got no balls at all. Hitler, has only got one ball. Goering...

Jimmy Charoo:
'ere, I've half a mind to give you a bit of a [slaps waitress on her behind] knee trembler right now.

Waitress:
Ooh! You keep your sticky fingers off my back buns.

Nazi soldier:
You have some Scheisse on your shoes.

Goering:
Mein glorious beloved Fuehrer. I, I thought a little relaxiation in a - fabulous Schloss like this could - cause no harm. Surely?

Hitler:
Ja, you are permanently shlossed. I'd have you strung up with piano wire if I didn't think you'd enjoy it so much.

Hitler:
[to Princess Elizabeth] Today at 3:00, we will be married. It will be a perfect marriage between the glorious 1000 year Reich und the British Empire. Und by 6:00 you will be installed in a glorious new Schloss deep underground in Hannover. Half a mile of reinforced concrete will lie between you and the - shops! You will want for nothing. You will have four sons; one every five months. They will be named: Adolf, Randolf, Gandolf, und little Ralf - who will be our favourite, until he gets too big - and then we will have him put down.

Winston Churchill:
Here we go, Chester. Blood, sweat, 'n toil.

Chester:
Good luck, Mr Churchill. Win the war for us, won't you, Sir?

Winston Churchill:
You bet. God bless America.

Chester:
I wish I was American.

Mr. Teasy-Weasy:
[to Hitler] We're going to make you 18 again, Mr Hilton.

Radio Presenter:
And, oh, here comes Satan. I mean, Josef Goebbels. Dressed in a magnificent black cloak, and horns.

Denzil Eisenhower:
You cant be judge, jury, and executioner at the same time. It's just not the American way.

Winston Churchill:
Hey, you'll never get to be President if you're runnin' that kinda policy.

Princess Elizabeth:
Let her go or I'll blow your other motherf***ing ball off.

Prime Minister:
I mean, that is just so... not going to happen. A-. It's just about the most minging countries-dom I displeasure to visit.

Prime Minister:
I know, that is... awfully - unfair. But, hey! You know life sucks.

Lieutenant Baker:
Shakespeare was American?

Winston Churchill:
I just open my mouth and sh*t comes out.

Winston Churchill:
These are the Irish Cockneys, the good people of England.

Baxter:
[points to two soldiers in turn] You! You! Look "Northern"!

Hitler:
[to Princess Elizabeth] Now; your father has invited me to attend the Royal Variety Show to see the famous Tommy Trinder.