Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

Darren Shan:
[From Trailer] So do I turn into a bat

Larten Crepsley:
NO. That is Bullshit.

Evra the Snake Boy:
[Embarrassed after shaking Darren's hand and leaving some skin behind] Sorry about that, shedding. Itches like crazy.

Darren Shan:
[slightly disturbed]... right...

Evra the Snake Boy:
[scratches head sheepishly] Better go wash that, before you get pink eye...

Larten Crepsley:
Vampires don't need cellphones.

Madame Truska:
You don't love me anymore... Its my beard.

Larten Crepsley:
Your mouth says no, but your beard says yes.

Larten Crepsley:
I don't want you leaving camp anymore.

Darren Shan:
Why not?

Larten Crepsley:
Because I said so.

Darren Shan:
You're not my dad you can't tell me what to do.

Larten Crepsley:
[vampire pimp slap]

Mr. Shan:
College! Job! Family! And one day, if you're really lucky, you'll be standing here yelling at a teenager of your own

Steve:
If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go... wait... my bad it's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live!

Larten Crepsley:
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I am so excited to be here in an anonymous small town that used to have character but is now just a bland suburb filled with chain stores and surrounded by slums.

[awkward silence in audience]

Larten Crepsley:
It really is a pleasure to be here. And I am SO honoured that bla bla bla and so on and so forth and etcetera ad nauseum.

Larten Crepsley:
[after Darren enters his room and turns on the light] Nice room. Some excellent reading material you have here. Thought this was on the internet now.

Darren Shan:
Mine's blocked.

Larten Crepsley:
Nice night, actually... [points up, causing Darren to look away] Is that the Little Dipper or the Big one? I can never remember it. [Breaks Darren's neck] Sorry about that. I had to do that, or they would never believe you were dead. Don't worry; there's no damage to your spinal cord. And I'll sneak into the funeral home and fix your broken neck. Oh and... Sorry for this next part.

Larten Crepsley:
[From Trailer] So do I turn into a bat

Darren Shan:
No. That is Bullshit.

Darren Shan:
I hate you!

Steve:
I hate you!

Darren Shan:
He said something about, uh, souls and, uh, destiny. And he knew where I lived.

Larten Crepsley:
Looks like you're in deep sh*t, my larcenous friend.

Mr. Tall:
[Whisper kind of voice] Are you boys 21? Are you 21?... Say yes!

Darren Shan:
Yeah.

Steve:
Yes.

Mr. Tall:
[Same whisper voice] Good, you don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety do you?... Say no!

Darren Shan:
No.

Steve:
Nope. [shakes head]

Mr. Tall:
Good, go right in, the show is about to start.

Darren Shan:
[In Murlaugh's bag with muffled voice] Ow, where are we going?

Gavner Purl:
There are no real generals left anymore Hombre! You and I, we're the last of the Mo-Freakins!

Larten Crepsley:
Life may be meaningless, but I have real hopes for death.