Clueless

Cher:
Miss Stoeger, I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.

Cher:
Oh look, Josh is dancing with Tai, he never dances.

Christian:
I can see why.

Cher:
Old people can be so sweet.

Christian:
Hey man, protective vibe, I dig.

Cher:
Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.

Cher:
He does dress better than I do, what would I bring to the relationship?

Cher:
Would you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That is an unequivocal sex invite.

Mel:
Do you know what time it is?

Cher:
A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, daddy.

Mel:
What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?

Amber:
Was I the only one listening?I thought it reeked.

Cher:
No I believe that's your designer imposter perfume.

Christian:
Do you like Billie Holiday?

Cher:
I love him.

Josh:
You look like Pippi Longstocking.

Cher:
Well you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?

Josh:
Someone Mel Gibson never played.

Cher:
Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.

Cher:
Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.

Josh:
We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.

Cher:
Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to plant trees.

Cher:
You can't be the absolute and final word on drivers' licenses?

Cher:
That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.

Cher:
Ms. Stoger. That machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Miss Stoger:
Thanks for the legal advice.

Amber:
She could be a farmer in those clothes.

Cher:
Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.

Cher:
Okay, so you're probably going, "Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.

Cher:
Been shopping with Dr. Suess?

Dionne:
Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my back pack.

Cher:
It's faux.

Heather:
It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."

Cher:
Hamlet didn't say that.

Heather:
I think I remember Hamlet accurately.

Cher:
Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

Cher:
Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.

Cher:
Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie too many times.

Mr.Hall:
So does anyone have any final thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton?

Elton:
Yeah. I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.

Dionne:
Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.

Travis:
I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I'd never be tardy.

Cher:
I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice.

Cher:
D, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring.

Travis:
I joined this program and there's steps. There's... uh...

Cher:
Twelve?

Travis:
Yeah, how'd you know?

Cher:
Wild guess.

Tai:
Why should I listen to you, anyway? You're a virgin who can't drive.

Cher:
That was way harsh, Tai.

Cher:
Would you call me selfish?

Dionne:
No, not to your face.

Mel:
So, what did you do in school today?

Cher:
Well, I broke in my purple clogs.

Cher:
Are you talking about drugs?

Tai:
Yeah.

Cher:
Tai, how old are you?

Tai:
I'll be 16 in May.

Cher:
My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.

Tai:
Cher, I don't want to do this anymore. And my buns: they don't feel nothin' like steel.

Cher:
I want to do something for humanity.

Josh:
How about sterilization?

Murray:
Woman, lend me fi' dollas.

Dionne:
Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman".

Murray:
Excuse me, "Ms. Dionne."

Dionne:
Thank you.

Murray:
My street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones.

Mel:
What the hell is that?

Cher:
A dress.

Mel:
Says who?

Cher:
Calvin Klein.

Dionne:
Phat! Did you write that?

Cher:
Duh. It's like a famous quote.

Dionne:
From where?

Cher:
Cliff's Notes.

Cher:
So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Well it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. 'cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.

Cher Horowitz:
I was just totally clueless.

Cher:
Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?

Cher:
Dionne and I were both named after famous singers of the past, who now do infomercials.

Cher:
Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

Josh:
You want to practice parking?

Cher:
What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.

Dionne:
Dude what's the matter? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?

Cher:
Oh God, no. Nothing like that.

Cher:
Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kind of lawyer. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And daddy's so good he gets $500 an hour to fight with people. But he fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.

Tai:
I could really use some sort of herbal refreshment.

Dionne:
Oh, well we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.

Tai:
No sh*t. You guys got Coke here?

Dionne:
Well, yeah.

Cher:
Yeah, this is America.

Tai:
Cher, you're a virgin?

Cher:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

Dionne:
Besides, the PC term is 'Hymenally Challenged'.

Mel:
You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?

Cher:
Totally based on my powers of persuasion, you proud?

Mel:
Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.

Amber:
Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.

Dionne:
Well, there goes your social life.

Cher:
I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.

Murray:
Your man Christian is a cake boy.

Cher:

Murray:
He's a disco dancin', Oscar Wilde readin', Streisand ticket holdin' friend of Dorothy, know what I'm sayin'?

Dionne:
Hello? There was a stop sign.

Cher:
I totally paused.

Josh:
Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo-casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.

Cher:
Thank you Josh. I SO need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me the part about Kenny G again?

Josh:
Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.

Cher:
I am. You try driving in platforms.

Mel:
Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you.

Cher:
You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.

Cher:
If it's a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.

Elton:
What's seven times seven?

Cher:
Stuff she knows.

Josh:
You know maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is...

Cher:
Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy, and as soon I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.

Josh:
Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.

Cher:
Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.

Cher:
Looks like we're gonna have to make a cameo at the Val party.

Tai:
Hey, did you see that?

Cher:
Ugh. Skateboards. That's like so five years ago.

Cher:
It's like that book I read in the 9th grade that said "'tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people."

Cher:
So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and we're supposed to swoon? I don't think so.

Cher:
I am totally butt crazy in love with Josh.

Mel:
Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes are calling me again.

Cher:
They *are* your parents.

Cher:
"Second notice on an outstanding ticket." I don't remember getting a first notice.

Mel:
The *ticket* is the first notice.

Cher:
Um, a second notice for three outstanding tickets. I don't remember getting a first notice.

Cher:
Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis so he brought over "Some Like it Hot" and "Sporadicus."

Cher:
So, this flannel thing. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?

Murray:
Woman, why don't you be answerin' any of my pages?

Dionne:
I *hate* when you call me woman.

Murray:
Where you been all weekend? What's up? You jeepin' behind my back?

Dionne:
Jeepin'? No. But, speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain how this cheap K-Mart hair extension got into the back seat of your car.

Murray:
I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your little stringy somethin' or an others you got up in your hair.

Dionne:
I do *not* wear polyester hair, okay? Unlike some people I know like Shawana.

Cher:
Dee, I'm outtie.

Dionne:
Bye.

Murray:
Why do you got to go there? Why do you gotta go there? Is it that time of the month again?

Mel:
Which reminds me, where's your report card?

Cher:
It's not ready yet.

Mel:
What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"

Cher:
Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.

Cher:
As if.

Mel:
The ticket is the first notice. I didn't even know you could get tickets without a license.

Cher:
An overwhelming sense of ickiness had set over first period.

Josh:
Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

Cher:
No. Why, does it sound like I do?

Cher:
I felt impotent and out of control.

Cher:
Which I really hate.

Dionne:
Dude, what's wrong you suffering from buyers remorse or something?

Cher:
God no, nothing like that.

Cher:
My mother died in a freak accident during a routine liposuctioning.

Cher:
This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us.

Cher:
So, how did I do?

Mel:
I expect you to walk through this door in twenty minutes.

Cher:
It might take longer than that Dad.

Mel:
Everywhere in L.A takes twenty minutes.

Cher:
So should we do a lap before we commit to a location?

Mel:
We're going to have a NICE FAMILY MEAL.

Cher:
You are such a brown-noser.

Josh:
Oh, and you are such a superficial space cadet. What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?

Cher:
The fact that I've done it every other semester.

Mel:
Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.

Josh:
I don't think so.

Mel:
Doesn't he look bigger?

Cher:
His head does.

Josh:
Wow, you're fillin' out there.

Cher:
Wow, your face is catching up with your mouth.

Tai:
Do you think she's pretty?

Cher:
No, she's a full-on Monet.

Tai:
What's a monet?

Cher:
It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?

Christian:
Hagsville.

Cher:
See?

Tai:
Wow, you guys talk like grown-ups!

Tai:
Sh*t, you guys, I have never had straight friends before!

Amber:
Um, Ms. Stoger? My doctor says I can't do any activities where balls fly at my nose.

Dionne:
Well, there goes your social life.

Mel:
Where are you?

Cher:
I'm just having a snack at my girlfriend's.

Mel:
Where, in Kuwait?

Cher:
Is that in the valley?

Mel:
I'd like to see you have a little direction.

Cher:
I have direction!

Josh:
Yeah, towards the mall.

Josh:
I was thinking about looking into environmental law.

Mel:
Why? You want to have a frustrating and miserable life?

Cher:
Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.

Mel:
So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law?

Josh:
Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.

Mel:
What for? Do you wanna have a miserable, frustrating life?

Cher:
Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.

Mel:
At least he knows what he wants to do. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

Cher:
I have direction.

Josh:
Yeah, towards the mall.

Dionne:
"Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but thy eternal summer shall not fade." Phat! Did you write that?

Cher:
Duh, it's, like, a famous quote.

Dionne:
From where?

Cher:
Cliff's Notes.

Cher:
Ms. Stoeger? I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for 40 minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.

[The other girls cheer]

Ms. Stoeger:
Well, you certainly exercised your mouth, Cher. Now, hit the ball.

[Ball flies by, inches from Cher's nose]

Cher:
Ms. Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!

Ms. Stoeger:
Thanks for the legal advice.

Cher:
I've got an idea. Let's do a makeover!

Tai:
No. No.

Dionne:
Oh, c'mon! Let us! Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover. Okay, it gives her a sense of control on a world full of chaos.

Cher:
Please?

Tai:
Sure. Why not? Sh*t, you guys! I've never had straight friends before.

Tai:
[pointing at Amber] Cher, ain't that the same dress that you was wearing yesterday?

Cher:
Say, Ambular.

Amber:
Hi!

Cher:
Was that you going through my laundry?

Amber:
As if! Like I would really wear something from Judy's.

Cher:
Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensemble-y challenged"?

Dionne:
Cher is saving herself for Luke Perry.

Tai:
Cher, you're a virgin?!

Cher:
God! You say it like it's a bad thing.

Dionne:
Besides, the PC term is "hymenally challenged."

Cher:
I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person. You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.

Amber:
[after Cher's oral on violence in the media] Hello?! Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.

Cher:
I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.

Cher:
That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.

Josh:
Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

Cher:
No. Why, do I sound like I do?

Murray:
Are you b*tches blind or something? Your man Christian is a cake boy!

Cher and Dionne:
A what?!

Murray:
He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?

Cher:
Uh-uh, no way.

Murray:
He's gay.

Cher:
Not even.

Murray:
Yes, even.

Dionne:
He does like to shop, Cher, and the boy can dress.

Cher:
Oh, my God. I am totally buggin'. I feel like such a bonehead.

Cher:
We got another notice from the fire department saying we have to clear out the bush. You said you were going to get Jose to do it.

Lucy:
He your gardener. I don't know why you don't tell him.

Cher:
Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.

Lucy:
I not a Mexican! [storms off]

Cher:
Great, what was that all about?

Josh:
Lucy's from El Salvador.

Cher:
So?

Josh:
It's an entirely different country.

Cher:
Oh, what does that matter?

Josh:
You get upset if someone thinks you live below Sunset.

Cher's father:
"Hey you! If anything happens to my daughter, I have a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you. "

Ms. Stoeger:
Dionne, you're up.

Dionne:
Uh, no. Ms. Stoeger, I have a note from my tennis instructor, and he would prefer it if I didn't expose myself to any training that might derail his teachings.

Cher Horowitz:
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in Debate?!

Cher Horowitz:
Wasn't my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction.

Cher Horowitz:
[to Elton] You are a snob and a half.

Cher Horowitz:
So, okay. The Attorney General says there's too much violence on TV, and that should stop. Even if you took out all the violent shows, you could still see the news. So until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.

Cher Horowitz:
[after she and Josh kiss] Well, you can guess what happened next. [scene changes to Mr. Hall and Miss Geist's wedding] As if! I am only 16, and this is California, not Kentucky.

Cher Horowitz:
[repeated line] As if!