Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget

Greg Giraldo:
Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

Greg Giraldo:
Come on Jon, there hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

John Stamos:
I tried to get our next roaster's autograph; then I realized she wasn't Gene Simmons. Please welcome the least attractive cast member on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Susie Essman!

Susie Essman:
Thank you, pretty boy! I had no idea, John, you had such a sharp tongue. That must really hurt Saget's ass.

Susie Essman:
Jeff, my darling husband. Not in real life. You know I love you. People are always fascinated by you and are always asking me "Is Jeff really fat?" No, the camera adds 465 pounds.

Jeffrey Ross:
In honor of the late, great, George Carlin, I'd like to leave you all with another seven words you could never hear on television: "And they Emmy goes to... Bob Saget!"

Jeffrey Ross:
Jon Lovitz put a profile up on Match.com; they paired him with a couch and a bottle of hand lotion.

Cloris Leachman:
I'm not here to roast Bob Saget; I'm here to f*** John Stamos. Stamos, you shouldn't talk so much; your mouth is canceling out all the work your ass is doing. If you play your cards right, I'll do something no girl has ever done to you: Put you in the movies.

Cloris Leachman:
Does any one of you actually know who I am? I was on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Total slut, by the way. She taught me everything I know. Here's something you don't know about Mary: When she had an orgasm, she threw her hat in the air.

Cloris Leachman:
I have vibrators older than most of you. The difference is, most of my vibrators still work.

[about Bob hosting "America's Funniest Home Videos"]

John Stamos:
His entire job consisted of saying "take a look at this." Which is what he used to say to Mary-Kate Olsen in her dressing room.

John Stamos:
Bob, I was with you for 192 episodes of "Full House." And I can honestly say you don't have a funny bone in your body. Unless, of course, you count the one time you sat on Dave Coulier's cock. And by "sat on," I mean "hungrily backed into." And by "one time," I mean "eight seasons."

Gilbert Gottfried:
I watched Bob's last HBO special in hi-def. Because in order to enjoy it, you have be either high or deaf.

Bob Saget:
Norm is such a horrible gambler, he bet Jon Lovitz would be funny tonight.

Bob Saget:
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

Bob Saget:
They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps.

[pause; Bob looks around]

Bob Saget:
I'm f***ed.

Bob Saget:
Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.

John Stamos:
Bob's last HBO special was called "That Ain't Right." It should have been called "That Ain't Watchable."

Bob Saget:
Even John's dick has a great hairline. On "Full House," John's dick had a mullet.

Norm MacDonald:
Bob... you have lot of well-wishers here tonight, and a lot of them would like to throw you down one... a well.

Norm MacDonald:
They wanna murder you in a well, which seems a bit harsh, but that's what it says here on this cue card.

[last lines]

Bob Saget:
F*** you all and suck my hundred million dollar cock!

Jeffrey Ross:
Most comics dream of performing in Las Vegas Nevada, Bob Saget dreams of performing in Hannah Montana

Jeffrey Ross:
[to Saget] "Full House" should've been called "Blackjack" 'cause you hit on the Olsens when they were eight, you didn't stop till they were 21.

Cloris Leachman:
For the love of god, will somebody please punch me in the face so I can see some stars?

Cloris Leachman:
Now get up here Stamos, let's see what you got!