Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen

Himself - Roaster:
How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men!

Himself - Roastmaster:
I mean, we all know there's a good chance Charlie will be dead soon, so I wrote an obituary. 'Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid fixture due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, was found dead in his apartment.' Actually, you know what? I kind of just copied Amy Winehouse's obituary. I only had to change three things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the part that says, 'a talent that will be missed.'

Himself - Roaster:
I've had sex in space with green women. Sure, you've had sex with the blue women because, unlike you, they couldn't handle their drugs.

Herself - Roaster:
Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidney, your liver, the only thing you've had removed are your kids.

Himself - Roaster:
[to Jon Lovitz] If Charlie is winning, then what are you doing? Chinning?

Himself - Roaster:
What can you say about Mike Tyson that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor Album?

Herself - Roaster:
[to William Shatner] I've seen less bloated men fished out of rivers. Does Priceline pay you in empanadas?

Himself - Roaster:
Charlie, if you're winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. Only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs. Charlie, don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps?

Himself - Roastee:
It's true, I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years - losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special.

Himself - Roaster:
I was recently at a celebrity auction where I sold one of my kidney stones for $75,000. Oh, yeah. And do you understand what I have done? I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity! Who's the Warlock now, b*tch?

Himself - Roaster:
I know another famous guy... who was kind to whores... and always kept 12 losers around... and he got crucified by Jews as well... and people worship that guy.

Himself - Roastmaster:
I really think you and Emilio should do a follow up to 'Men and Work' and you can call it 'Men Who Don't Work Anymore.'

Himself - Roaster:
Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of 'Law and Order, SVU.'

Himself - Roastee:
[his closing] Once again, I have come out unscathed. You can't hurt me. Hell, even I can't hurt me. Did you really think your little jokes were going to hurt me? I did porn stars. I did drugs. Then, I did the one thing everybody in America wishes he could do... I told my boss to f*** off. And then it was gone. I'm done with 'the winning'... because I've already won.

Himself - Roaster:
[to Charlie] The only reason you got on TV at all is because God hates Michael J. Fox.

Herself - Roaster:
You are just like Bruce Willis. You were big in the 80's and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.

Himself - Roaster:
During a dark period in my life, I've found inspiration from reading the great epic poem, Iliad. So, see, Seth? You're not the only person that's gotten by by taking ideas from Homer.

Himself - Roaster:
[to Jeff Ross] During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off!

Himself - Roaster:
Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez wanted to be here tonight, but they had a family obligation.

William Shatner:
You used to pay prostitutes for sex. Charlie, don't you know actresses will sleep with you for free? That's Hollywood 101!

Charlie Sheen:
The only reason William Shatner is here is because I needed his urine to pass a drug test. Had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did the job.