Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff

Greg Giraldo:
[about Seth MacFarlane] I do love that Stewie character on your show. He's great. You made all your money 'cause you created a f***ed up criminal baby. You're like Michael Lohan.

Whitney Cummings:
[to Lisa Lampanelli] They say women's bodies are like a wonderland - yours is more like a football field because it's 100 yards and a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.

Whitney Cummings:
[about Lisa Lampanelli's face] You look like Susan Boyle f***ed Snooki and then got hit by a truck.

Jeffrey Ross:
[to Seth MacFarlane] "South Park" called-they want their everything back!

Lisa Lampanelli:
David Hasselhoff's career has become such a huge disaster. I just saw an oily pelican fly out of his ass.

Lisa Lampanelli:
[to David Hasselhoff] You quit that cushy gig as a judge on 'America's Got Talent.' What's wrong with you, man? That was the worst career move since Mel Gibson bought his girlfriend that tape recorder.

[to Hasselhoff]

Himself - Roastmaster:
The one thing we'll remember you for is Pam Anderson's tits.

Hulk Hogan:
[to Lisa Lampanelli] Hey Lisa, how's it going, brother?

Greg Giraldo:
[to David Hasselhoff] Your liver is so black and shriveled and dead, that if you put it up to your ear, you can hear it saying, "Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"!

Greg Giraldo:
[to David Hasselhoff] You were also knighted by the Queen. She dubbed you Sir Osis of Liver!

Seth MacFarlane:
He is one of the most controversial and reviled figures in human history. His march to infamy began by storming the beaches with a blonde-haired blue-eyed army of brainless followers. At the peak of his powers, thousands of Germans gathered to listen to him stand before a microphone and spew his hateful insane croakings. But soon he was bombed, tanked, and hammered, and as he lay on the floor of his bunker eating his last meal, he vowed that one day, he would rise again... then fall again... and then throw up and rise again. Tonight, he returns to face his accusers, to pull out his dick at the after-party and to finally complete his master plan: to invade Pam Anderson. Ladies and gentlemen, stand and salute the next ruler of the world, David Hasselhoff!

[last lines]

David Hasselhoff:
Remember, sometimes, life gives you a wake-up call. / It's how fast you get up, not how hard you fall. Now who wants to party with the Hoff?

Jeffrey Ross:
What are the odds? A Jew gets to roast a German? [gives nazi salute] Heil Hasselhoff!

Hulk Hogan:
[to Lisa Lampanelli] Hey, dude! You know, I haven't seen you since you've beat my ass in Wrestlemania 4! Of course, back in those days, Lisa wrestled under the name, Andre the Vagiant!

Hulk Hogan:
I'm not gonna mess with that Jeff Ross guy. His people are double-tough. The last time I tangled with a Jew, my ex-wife got half of my sh*t!

Seth MacFarlane:
Pamela Anderson is here tonight. [In Stewie Griffin's voice, pointing at her] There they are. There's Pam's tits.

Pamela Anderson:
When I first started on Baywatch, I was scared, because I couldn't swim. David came to me and said, "That's okay, because I can't act."

Pamela Anderson:
David, this brings back memories of my roast, but unlike you, I was relevant.

Gilbert Gottfried:
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar... in the morning and stays there until it closes.

George Hamilton:
Whitney Cummings, how I would make sweet love to you. But alas, I'm just an old man with perfect vision... and I feel you are the same.

George Hamilton:
I have been trained by the finest thespians in the world, but even I can't act like I give a sh*t about these people.