Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Chuck Barris:
I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.

Chuck Barris:
Go back to Scotland! Get yourself some Guinness, some Lucky Charms.

Patricia:
Insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan. Very few have delusions of being a guy down the block who works for an insurance company.

Patricia:
You're kind of cute... in a homely sort of way.

Jim Byrd:
You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'.

Chuck (Age 8):
Hey Tuvia, you want to lick it?

Tuvia (Age 8):
No, why would I want to do that?

Chuck (Age 8):
It tastes like strawberries, my sister says you love strawberries.

Tuvia (Age 8):
No it doesn't. Besides I don't like strawberries.

Chuck (Age 8):
I bet you a dollar it does.

Jim Byrd:
Think of it as a hobby. Something you do to relax. You're an "assassination enthusiast."

Chuck Barris:
When you're in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a sh*t.

Chuck Barris:
Life was sweet... For a minute.

Chuck Barris:
Hi folks. Before we begin taping today, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks of the Federal Communications Commission. Okay?

Peter Jenks:
I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks on a television network broadcast. The penalty for this disgusting, un-American behavior is one year in prison, or a ten thousand dollar fine. Or both! Anyone making a sick or subversive remark tonight will be arrested immediately. I then will personally escort the offender to federal prison for booking under edict number 364 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. And it's a long drive to that prison, baby, just you and me. No witnesses.

Chuck Barris:
Okay have fun everybody... alright...

Chuck Barris:
I'm not killing people... my future's in television.

Instructor Jenks:
There are several efficient methods for killing a man were you to find yourself without a weapon. The edge of your hand, against your adversary's Adam's apple. This will crush his windpipe, causing strangulation and death.

Instructor Jenks:
Sh*t! I need another volunteer!

Chuck Barris:
Hey, I got an idea. If you aren't so bad... why don't you do it? Why don't you kill the mole? You got a problem with killing, Jim?

Jim Byrd:
I just don't fit the profile.

Chuck Barris:
What f***ing profile? There is no f***ing profile.

Jim Byrd:
Okay, there's no profile.

Chuck Barris:
There's no profile.

Jim Byrd:
Okay.

Dick Clark:
I wouldn't want to live his life because he hasn't been happy all of his life. All I think is if you can find work, stay healthy, find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success. He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle, but not all of them.

Patricia:
Very good Chuck. I am pleasantly surprised, you're not like the other murderers.

Larry Goldberg:
Killing my first man was like making love to my first woman.

Penny:
What are you?

Chuck Barris:
Jew.

Penny Pacino:
Oh, I had one of those once. But he was separatist. He was Ashka Nazi.

Chuck Barris:
Ashkenazi.

Penny Pacino:
Right, Ashka Nazi. I haven't had one of those yet.

Chuck Barris:
You're a romantic.

Simon Oliver:
You are a bloody amateur.

Chuck Barris:
You're a f*ggot.

Jim Byrd:
Chuck.

Simon Oliver:
Tell me, Mr. Barris, are you in possession of my microfilm?

Chuck Barris:
Yeah, I got it.

Simon Oliver:
Let's have it, then.

Chuck Barris:
It's up my ass, Oliver, why don't you reach on up there and get it?

Jim Byrd:
He's a bad guy. He's one of the bad guys.

Chuck Barris:
Bad for the US, right, Jim? Not bad in the absolute sense. Just bad for the US.

Jim Byrd:
Don't f***in' dance with me. Renda's bad for the Tea & Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally. You work for me. Renda's bad for me... You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd. There's no backing out now. We let you in on everything. You don't play. You don't leave. You understand that? You don't play... You don't leave.

Penny Pacino:
Do you want me around or not? Do you even like me?

Chuck Barris:
Of course I like you! Penny...

Penny Pacino:
How much?

Chuck Barris:
What?

Penny Pacino:
I need to know how much you like me.

Chuck Barris:
I know what that means! How much? How could I read a person in that way?

Penny Pacino:
You could if you felt it. If you felt it, it would be easy. You would [sighs dreamingly] ...just spread your arms as wide as they would go and say: "This much, Penny."

Chuck Barris:
Everything... everything is complicated. Nothing is black and white like that.

Penny Pacino:
[cries] Do you want me around or not? 'Cause if you don't it's okay, just tell me.

Chuck Barris:
Hey, hey... [kisses her] I love you, Penny. In my way. Maybe not that crazy head-over-heels-thing, but what is that anyway? Romantic love, isn't that just an illusion?

Penny Pacino:
[stops crying] You just said you love me, right?

Chuck Barris:
[getting the idea for "The Gong Show"] We've been going about this all wrong. Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts... we just put on bad ones and kill them!

Casting Executive Man:
Chuck, honestly, this... and I know you like them... this is torture.

Chuck Barris:
No, no, no. We kill them before they're through. As soon as it gets unbearable... we kill 'em... dead!

Chuck Barris:
I've got important things to think about here. I don't have time to f*** around with you.

Jim Byrd:
Okay, I'll help you out with your little show. Tit for tat. That's the kinda guy I am. I've seen this "Dating Game" of yours, Chuck. And I have a thought.

Chuck Barris:
What, now you're a television producer?

Jim Byrd:
Hey, I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV and that should make my opinion of interest to you.

Chuck Barris:
[nods] Let's hear it then.

Jim Byrd:
Well, what do you have now? The couple gets sent to some stupid second-rate Hollywood shitcan restaurant, right? Sets you back fifty bucks? That's not too exciting a prize to us vicarious living b*obs out in TV-land.

Chuck Barris:
Yeah, what's your point?

Jim Byrd:
Up the stakes, Chuckles. Send 'em to some exotic locale. Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.

Chuck Barris:
The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together.

Jim Byrd:
Send 'em with a chaperone.

Chuck Barris:
[beat] You know... that's not half bad.

Jim Byrd:
I'm telling ya. And sometimes you can be the chaperone, Chuckie. Let's say we have a job for you in Austria. You, a successful TV producer, above suspicion, chaperones the young couple, and while you're there, you take care of some Company business. It's the perfect cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative by night.

Chuck Barris:
I told you, I don't have to kill people for money anymore.

Jim Byrd:
Chuck, when I said you fit our profile, very little of that had to do with you needing the money. Some of it, but very little. You liked it with Renda, Chuck. I saw it in your eyes. You liked it but you botched it. Don't you want to get really good at something, Chuck?

Pretty Woman:
Hi.

Chuck Barris:
Hi.

Pretty Woman:
I thought it was you.

Chuck Barris:
[smiles and bows] It's me.

Pretty Woman:
I'm glad to meet you because I wanted to tell you that I've seen "The Gong Show" and I think you are the most insidious and despicable force in entertainment today.

Chuck Barris:
Well...

Pretty Woman:
How dare you subject the rest of the world to your loathsome view of humanity.

Chuck Barris:
I don't think it's that loathsome.

Pretty Woman:
What is it then? To mock some poor, lonely people who just crave a little attention in their lives. To destroy them. So everybody's not brilliantly talented. They're still people. They deserve respect and compassion. I mean, who the hell are you? What the f*** have you ever done that elevates you above the pathetic masses? Oh, I forgot, you created "The Dating Game". Wow, right up there with the Sistine Chapel.

Chuck Barris:
When you are young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be Einstein. You might be DiMaggio. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment.

Chuck Barris:
I don't know what was worse - that I was duped by that fat f***ing bachelor, or that it took seven of us to replace him.

Chuck Barris:
My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mindnumbing, puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered 33 human beings. [types on a typewriter: I am damned to hell]

Patricia Watson:
Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself... still respects oneself as one who despises.