Confessions of a Shopaholic

Graham Bloomwood:
Your mother and I think that if the American economy can be billions in debt and still survive, so can you.

Denny & George Clerk:
Declined.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Can you try again?

Denny & George Clerk:
Really Declined.

Suze:
Don't you think it's ironic that Rebecca Bloomwood is advising people on how to handle money.

Suze:
Fluent in Finnish?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Everyone has fudged their resume a little.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
When I was 7 most of my friends stopped believing in magic. That's when I first started. They were beautiful, they were happy. They didn't even need any money, they had magic cards.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast? Well that's what it's like when I see a store. Only it's better.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
You speak Prada?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Men like you are the reason I left Finland.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Yes, I Googled.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
I know I've made some mistakes, but I"m turning my life around.

Luke Brandon:
She's not my girlfriend. She's not you.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
When I shop, the world gets better, and the world is better, but then it's not, and I need to do it again.

Luke Brandon:
Any financial stories that have caught your eye recently?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Yes. And I am glad you brought that up. [Acts mad] Because I am furious. No, I really am. [Looks down at a newspaper folded in half with article title cut off] No, I mean, what is the story with the recent fish crisis?

Luke Brandon:
[Looks at her confused] Fish crisis?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
[Realizes she made a mistake] Fiscal... crisis.

Luke Brandon:
Fiscal crisis.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Terrifying, Fiscally, I mean.

Luke Brandon:
How so?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
For the... fiscal family.

Hayley:
[Interrupts their conversation] I'm sorry

Luke Brandon:
Not a moment too soon.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
They said I was a valued customer. Now they send me hate mail.

Tarquin:
Why do so many of your excuses involve Finland?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Because nobody checks up on Finland,Tarkie.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
A man will never love you or treat you as well as a store. If a man doesn't fit, you can't exchange him seven days later for a gorgeous cashmere sweater. And a store always smells good. A store can awaken a lust for things you never even knew you needed. And when your fingers first grasp those shiny, new bags... oh yes... oh yes.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Don't talk about Fluke.

Suze:
Why? What happened?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Alicia B*tch Longlegs is what happened.

Suze:
I hate her. Who is she?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
And all I would say, is that you never hear anyone say, "There goes a zebra with a small ass."

Rebecca Bloomwood:
You are like my soul sister!

D. Freak:
My name is D. Freak. Uh, I'm a shopaholic. [everybody greets him] I'm also a former NBA player. [brushing against the woman next to him] We'll get back to that.

Miss Korch:
[Miss Kortch goes through everyone's duties] Millinery?

D. Freak:
What you call me?

Miss Korch:
Hats.

D. Freak:
Oh.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
[to her potential employer] I can do affordable fashion. I mean, I know where all the sales are.

Jane Bloomwood:
Yes, she does. Oh, in fact she got that from me.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
[laughing hysterically] No, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

Graham Bloomwood:
[talk to Rebecca] Life is like a swap meet. You never know when great riches... are going to turn up unexpectedly.

Suze:
[Rebecca pushes away bills] I'll do this. It can't be that bad. It's just like a band-aid. It's gonna be fine. [both gasp loudly] Bex! Two hundred dollars on Marc Jacobs underwear?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
[pours the tequila] Oh, underwear is a basic, human, right.

Suze:
Seventy eight dollars on lavender honey?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
I felt sorry for the shop assistant. She had a lazy eye. I didn't know which way she was looking! I didn't know if she was looking at me, it was so sad.

Suze:
I can't even talk about this one.

Suze:
Bex, I just found the perfect book for you.

Garret E. Barton:
Control Your Urge to Shop, with Garrett E. Barton. That's me. Do you find yourself constantly drawn toward stores?

Suze:
Yes.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Nope.

Garret E. Barton:
Does your heart quicken when you see new merchandise in neatly stacked piles?

Suze:
Yes!

Rebecca Bloomwood:
no.

Suze:
this guy's good!

Garret E. Barton:
Did you answer "no" to these questions and are consequently in denial?

Suze:
yes.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
NO.

Garret E. Barton:
Did you just say "no" again?

Rebecca Bloomwood:
no...

Rebecca Bloomwood:
yes...

Alette Naylor:
Your column will be 'Affordable Fashion.' 500 words, once a month... Welcome to Alette.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
I can do affordable fashion! I mean, I know where all the sales are!

Jane Bloomwood:
[interrupting] Yes she does, oh! In fact, she got that from me!

Rebecca Bloomwood:
[laughing] I didn't, I didn't! No, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't...

Jane Bloomwood:
Cake?

Alette Naylor:
[hesitant] Yes.

Alette Naylor:
Oh no no no no, sorry, tiny, tiny, tiny. TINY! TINY! [cuts a sliver of crumbs] Thank you.

Rebecca Bloomwood:
Well, these cashmere gloves I *need* as it is winter, and I have... Hands.