Cop Out

Paul Hodges:
[screaming random movie lines to get a suspect to talk] Yippie-ki-yay, motherf***er!

Jimmy Monroe:
I've never seen that movie before.

Paul Hodges:
Why did you smack me?

Jimmy Monroe:
I was in the moment and the moment said smack ya.

Paul Hodges:
That's her gay cousin!

Jimmy Monroe:
Ma'am, ma'am.

Laura:
Whats going on?

Paul Hodges:
Somebody just broke into your house.

Laura:
[while pulling out gun] I'm gonna go take care of the son of a... B, myself.

Jimmy Monroe:
Whoa, whoa, ma'am.

Kevin:
You gonna smoke somebody?

Paul Hodges:
Put the gun down.

Laura:
I know my rights!

Jimmy Monroe:
[while trying not to swear in front of young boy] Lady, put the f-in' gun, down on the ground right now, take your son across the f-in' street, AND STAY THERE TILL WE COME AND GET YOU! Jesus... C.

Paul Hodges:
This is the stuff that my mom would tell friends about me, 'My son is genius, my son is a genius'.

Paul Hodges:
You know, the bonobo chimpanzee is the only non-human primate that has oral sex?

Jimmy Monroe:
Where do you find the time to watch "Animal Planet"? I'm with you 25 hours a day!

Paul Hodges:
[Pointing to head] I have to feed this. I have to feed this.

Jimmy Monroe:
Well, you're a compendium of f***ing useless information.

Paul Hodges:
Well, I don't wanna look at reality TV, cause that's the bowels of Hollywood.

Jimmy Monroe:
[mumbled] f***in' Reality TV, f***in' blows

Paul Hodges:
And I like to see chimpanzees gettin' head.

Jimmy Monroe:
You got a point.

Jimmy Monroe:
This guy's the biggest car thief in Brooklyn, let's be careful

Tommy:
[Rolls down the car window, looks up at Paul and Jimmy] You just scratched my ride.

Paul Hodges:
What the hell are you doin', Tommy?

Tommy:
I'm drivin', b*tch.

Paul Hodges:
Get out o' the car!

Tommy:
Is it I'm black?

Paul Hodges:
No! Cause you're TEN!

Tommy:
Eleven!

Paul Hodges:
Get out o' the car!

Tommy:
I was wearin' my seatbelt!

Paul Hodges:
Get out o' the car, you little re-peat offender!

Tommy:
F***!

Paul Hodges:
Now we need to know about the Mercedez

[Jimmy looks on with a grin]

Paul Hodges:
that was stolen a couple o' nights ago, in the back of a Mini-Mart, in Bay Ridge!

Tommy:
I ain't tellin' you sh*t! You can't DO sh*t, cause I'm a miiiinor

Jimmy Monroe:
Heh heh heh heh

Tommy:
F*** you too, Professor-X-looking Mother F***er!

Jimmy Monroe:
You are an angry young man.

Tommy:
Yo, you're messin' with my business, b*tch.

Paul Hodges:
Whose car is this?

Tommy:
Yo Momma's!

Tommy:
What?

Paul Hodges:
You know, I'm gonna smack the black off you!

Tommy:
You can't do anything to me

Paul Hodges:
Talk! About the stolen Mercedes-Benz!

Tommy:
I'm not tellin' you nothin'

Paul Hodges:
No, you gonna tell me somethin' or I'm gonna...

[Tommy kicks Paul in the balls]

Jimmy Monroe:
I told ya be careful!

[Paul punches Tommy]

Jimmy Monroe:
Paul, did you just punch a little child?

Paul Hodges:
There's things you don't know about me, Jim, I'll f*** a little kid up if he kicked me in the dick!

Paul Hodges:
Don't even look at me like that. You're just a bear. Shut the f*** up.

Jimmy Monroe:
I been where you are.

Paul Hodges:
Roy? [Jimmy nods] C'mere, man [Paul spreads his arms wide] You look like you need a hug.

Jimmy Monroe:
[Steps back] Whoa. You really read that one wrong.

Paul Hodges:
It's just that I'm vulnerable, man.

Jimmy Monroe:
How long she been in there?

Paul Hodges:
I don't know, does this mean that we're not broken up any more?

Jimmy Monroe:
What are you, in the fifth grade?

Paul Hodges:
I know what "pellegro" means.

Jimmy Monroe:
What's it mean?

Paul Hodges:
It's Puerto-Rican for "penguin"

Jimmy Monroe:
What do you do?

Hourly Housekeeper:
Housekeeping.

Eddie:
She's an hourly housekeeper. Hou... Hourly rate. Housekeeper.

Paul Hodges:
Jim, I just got SHOT!

Jimmy Monroe:
Mozel Tov

Jimmy Monroe:
You ready?

Paul Hodges:
I'm ready. [pauses] Let's go be great!

Jimmy Monroe:
Do you ever listen to yourself sometimes?

Dave:
Knock Knock.

Paul Hodges:
Don't do it Jim.

Dave:
Do it.

Paul Hodges:
If you respect our partnership Jim don't do it.

Dave:
Do it.

Jimmy Monroe:
Who's there?

Dave:
Orange.

Paul Hodges:
No. No. Huh Huh. No. No! No! No! Hell No! NO! NO! I refuse to... No! No! Alright Orange who damn it?

Dave:
Orange you pissed that your wife is taking it in the ass from another guy right now?

Paul Hodges:
OK, how are we going work this?

Jimmy Monroe:
Same way we always do. I interrogate him, you write it down.

Paul Hodges:
Oh so you're making decisions now? I hope the whole 6-9 know that you're making decisions. I'm going to play the bad guy on this one.

Jimmy Monroe:
Doubtful.

Paul Hodges:
Un-doubtful.

Jimmy Monroe:
Highly doubtful and you know why because you don't play the bad guy. You just steal all the bullshit lines you hear on TV and the movies that you like.

Paul Hodges:
F***in' monocle wearin' mother f***er.

[first lines]

Paul Hodges:
You know what today represents? Nine Jim. Nine years me and you been together. *Nine* we been main sh*t stains. I know some dogs that don't even live to be nine. You're lucky if you get seven years out of a Great Dane. But me and you been puttin' it together for nine... [whips out a card] Happy anniversary Jim.

Jimmy Monroe:
I don't celebrate anniversaries.

Paul Hodges:
Jim, open it up. I wanna see the expression on your face.

Jimmy Monroe:
You wanna see the expression on my face? The expression you're gonna see on my face is "f*** you".

Jimmy Monroe:
You beat up a kid?

Paul Hodges:
I needed the bike.

Captain Romans:
You can see it on youtube if you want.

Paul Hodges:
Really? What, *the* youtube?

Captain Romans:
Good job.

Paul Hodges:
Captain, how many hits I get?

Captain Romans:
There's at least two, the Chief of Police and the Deputy Chief.

Poh Boy:
Bless me father, for I'm about to sin. [gunshot]

Paul Hodges:
That's called parkour. It's a French martial art to get you around and over stuff.

Jimmy Monroe:
What are you?

Dave:
This is police brutality.

Jimmy Monroe:
Not yet...

Dave:
Hey. Do you wanna be my jail cell BFF, without the forced rape?

Jimmy Monroe:
[nonchalantly in Mexican standoff] You know how tired we are from killing all your friends?

[last lines]

Priest:
Who give this bride away?

Jimmy Monroe:
I do.

Ava:
[mouthing] I love you.

Inmate #2:
I could knit the f*** outta a big nice sweater!

Paul Hodges:
Let me get some spicy carrots and quacamole.

Paul Hodges:
Captain, your heart. It's an ice box.

Poh Boy:
You guys like my Diamond Vault?

Paul Hodges:
His wife says she's very unhappy. She said he's all foreskin.

Paul Hodges:
I just wanna get you pregnant, you know? My daughter gonna come out like 11 pounds , twenty ounces, runnin, around the house with the doo doo pampers on!

Poh Boy:
We practiced that for an hour!

Paul Hodges:
What's with the box?

Jimmy Monroe:
I gotta sell the Pavco.

Paul Hodges:
I heard that. I know that's right... I'm lying. What's a Pavco?

Jimmy Monroe:
It's a baseball card.

Paul Hodges:
Jimmy, if you need twenty bucks...

Jimmy Monroe:
A**hole, I don't need twenty bucks.

Dave:
Did you just fall down from the stairs?

Jimmy Monroe:
[lying] No!

Barry Mangold:
[teasing Monroe after he's been robbed] Mr. Monroe, we are the police. We're here to help. You've been a victim of a crime, do you understand?

Jimmy Monroe:
I ain't got no time for this sh*t.

Barry Mangold:
Wow! Oh God!

Hunsaker:
You know, based on the uh the emotional state how we should proceed? What do you think? We could get him a psycho avaluation?

Barry Mangold:
So we're gonna take you to Bellevue just to make sure you're okay uh huh?

Hunsaker:
Now for the record, how long actually have you been a... [Barry shows a comic book] hobbyist?

Barry Mangold:
Now, was there any identifying marks on the suspects?

Jimmy Monroe:
[remembers of Dave's tattoo] No!

Paul Hodges:
Oh, sh*t. He's taking a sh*t in the house.

Jimmy Monroe:
What kind of guy takes a sh*t in the same house that he's robbing?

Paul Hodges:
I don't know. What kind of guy takes a sh*t in a high-pressure situation like this? I'm not shitting no where except for my house. I will pitch it in my house for hours before I let it go. But when I let it, here, it goes. Here, she blows. The big brown shark is gonna to come. I set records for my sh*t turds. I move my bowels all over my toilet. All over my bathroom, I'm moving bowels. I sh*t so hard sometimes, people next door will be like, "Warriors, come out and play."

Jimmy Monroe:
Get him?

Paul Hodges:
His head is not there. Is it counted?

Paul Hodges:
ohh ahhhhh

Jimmy Monroe:
ooh my card

Paul Hodges:
Did you know they were gonna make a movie about these two starring Kevin Costner and Robert DeNiro? Yeah, it was called 'The Unf***ables'.

Barry Mangold:
I'm not gonna lie to you, I like the idea of Kevin Costner and Robert DeNiro playing us.

Hunsaker:
[Imitating DeNiro] Yeah, lil bit.