Cotton Patch Gospel

[repeated line]

John the Baptizer:
You sons of snakes!

John the Baptizer:
You sons of snakes! You tell me, "Who put the heat under you to run from the fury 'bout to bust off your heads!" You've got to reshape your lives because God's new order of the spirit is confronting you! Halleluiah! You've got to give me a 'what'!

Onlookers:
What!

John the Baptizer:
You've got to give me a 'what'!

Onlookers:
What!

John the Baptizer:
You've got to give me a 'what'!

Onlookers:
What!

John the Baptizer:
You've got to give me proof, proof, proof that you've got a changed life and do not feed yourself any of this "we good church folks" stuff. I bet you right now, if God wanted to he could make good church folks out of this pile of rocks right here! Halleluiah! A chainsaw is sitting at the trunk of the tree and every tree that does not perform some worthwile function is gonna be [makes chainsaw noises] chopped down, thrown into the fire, burn up! Halleluiah! I dip you into the water, I dip you into a changed life! But he was comin', he was comin' after me, he is so much stronger than I, I ain't worthy to shine his shoes! Halleluiah! He's gonna dip you in the holy spirit and fire! His carbine is already running! Halleluiah! Can I hear a Halleluiah?

Onlookers:
Halleluiah!

John the Baptizer:
He's gonna give- he's gonna give this field a thourough going-over [makes lawnmower noises] He's gonna store the grain in the bib and burn up the stubble! Halleluiah!

Onlookers:
Halleluiah!

John the Baptizer:
He's gonna do it, he's gonna! Praise God! Amen.

Multiple parts:
[as Herod] Have any of you read a National Enquirer article about a virgin birth?

Angels:
[singing] If you want to see a baby born to God and a Georgia girl, you better get your tail on over to Gainesville!

Multiple parts:
[as an old farmer] Right.

Jesus:
[after being tested by the devil] I passed.

Matthew:
And then angels appeared with a sack of chili cheese dogs for him.

Jesus:
Men don't live by grits alone.