Court Jester

King:
You spent some time in the Italian court?

Hawkins:
Why, yes. What better place to court Italians?

Fergus:
I'm Fergus the Ostler.

Hawkins:
Whogus the Whatsler?

Griselda:
I'm Griselda.

Hawkins:
Gri-who-lda?

Hawkins:
A jester unemployed is nobody's fool!

Hawkins:
I've got it! I've got it! The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Right?

Griselda:
Right. But there's been a change: they broke the chalice from the palace!

Hawkins:
They *broke* the chalice from the palace?

Griselda:
And replaced it with a flagon.

Hawkins:
A flagon...?

Griselda:
With the figure of a dragon.

Hawkins:
Flagon with a dragon.

Griselda:
Right.

Hawkins:
But did you put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle?

Griselda:
No! The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!

Hawkins:
The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.

Griselda:
Just remember that.

King Roderick:
The Duke. What did the Duke do?

Hubert Hawkins:
Eh... the Duke do?

King Roderick:
Yes. And what about the Doge?

Hubert Hawkins:
Oh, the Doge!

King Roderick:
Eh. Well what did the Doge do?

Hubert Hawkins:
The Doge do?

King Roderick:
Yes, the Doge do.

Hubert Hawkins:
Well, uh, the Doge did what the Doge does. Eh, uh, when the Doge does his duty to the Duke, that is.

King Roderick:
What? What's that?

Hubert Hawkins:
Oh, it's very simple, sire. When the Doge did his duty and the Duke didn't, that's when the Duchess did the dirt to the Duke with the Doge.

King Roderick:
Who did what to what?

Hubert Hawkins:
Oh, they all did, sire. There they were in the dark; the Duke with his dagger, the Doge with his dart, Duchess with her dirk.

King Roderick:
Duchess with her dirk?

Hubert Hawkins:
Yes! The Duchess dove at the Duke just when the Duke dove at the Douge. Now the Duke ducked, the Doge dodged, and the Duchess didn't. So the Duke got the Duchess, the Duchess got the Doge, and the Doge got the Duke!

King Roderick:
Curious. I... I... hm? What? What's that? All I heard was that the Duchess had a siege of rheumatism. She's 83, you know.

Hawkins:
What manner of man is Giacomo? Ha ha! I shall tell you what manner of man is he. He lives for a sigh, he dies for a kiss, he lusts for the laugh, ha! He never walks when he can leap! He never flees when he can fight (thud) oop! He swoons at the beauty of a rose. And I offer myself to you, all of me. My heart. My lips. My legs. My calves. Do what you will - my love endures. Beat me. Kick me. (kiss, kiss) I am yours.

King Roderick I:
What are you loo-loo-looing about?

Hubert Hawkins:
Oh, I'm not loo-loo-looing, Sire, I'm willow-willow-wailing.

King Roderick I:
All right, all right. Willow away, willow away. (Kaye, Danny@Hubert Hawkins

Hubert Hawkins:
I'd like to get in, get on with it, get it over with, and get out. Get it?

Ravenhurst:
Got it.

Hubert Hawkins:
Good.

Hawkins:
After months of pleading for just this kind of action, what makes you think that anybody - anybody could make me reveal the identity of my confederate?

Jean:
Because they'd put you on the rack, crack your every bone, scald you with hot oil, and remove the nails off your fingers with flaming hot pincers.

Hawkins:
I'd... like to withdraw the question.

King:
Would you grant the king a little kiss?

Jean:
Oh, certainly, sire, and don't worry. They say it isn't catching.

King:
Oh, you are a little... catching?

Jean:
Just because it runs in the family doesn't mean that everyone has it. Kiss me, sire!

King:
Has it? Has what?

Jean:
Don't I please you, sire?

King:
Oh, yes, yes, but, eh, these brothers and cousins and uncles...

Jean:
And aunts. But let us not talk about their swollen, twisted, pain ridden bodies. Hold me, take me in your arms, tell me I am yours!

King:
But this, this uh writhing on the floor...

Hawkins:
Hawkins-Good stock. Good battle. Good-bye.

King Roderick:
Rules of Chivalry be hanged! Ravenhurst take that nincompoop, and knight that nincompoop by noon tomorrow!

Captain of the Guard:

Captain of the Guard:

Captain of the Guard:
He must capture a wild boar with his bare hands A piglet come out of a chute followed by sound effects of splashing in the mud He passes!