Cowboy G-Men

Pat Gallagher:
San Pablo? That's about 60 miles south, isn't it?

Mexican Agent Tomas:
Si. And you'd better take care, Pat. Your only authority will be what you are wearing in your holsters.

[Pat and Stoney are cornered by four gunmen]

Stony:
I don't like this situation at all.

Pat Gallagher:
Don't worry, little man. I'll protect you.

Stony:
Well, start protectin' 'cause here they come!

Jardine:
What we need here are doctors not troubleshooters!

Pat Gallagher:
Well, I'm sorry we don't fit the bill.

Doctor Gomez:
When did you arrive in San Pablo?

Pat Gallagher:
Maybe an hour ago.

Doctor Gomez:
Then you must have seen the sign we posted outside the town.

Pat Gallagher:
Yes, we saw the sign.

Doctor Gomez:
Why did you come here then!

Stony:
The Apex Mining Company is in trouble and trouble is our business.

Pat Gallagher:
Anthrax, anthrax... A-N...

Stoney Crockett:
Here it is.

Pat Gallagher:
Anthrax: a highly infectious disease prevalent in marshy areas.

Stoney Crockett:
Symptoms including restlessness, convulsions and bleeding from the mouth.

Pat Gallagher:
Get this - death can occur within three hours. Highly contagious!

Maria Del Gado:
What are they? Bullets?

Pat Gallagher:
No, they're empty cartridges. They've been fired.

Maria Del Gado:
What can you do with them? All shells are alike.

Stoney Crockett:
Yes, ma'am, but not all guns.

Maria Del Gado:
It's a .44, no?

Pat Gallagher:
It's a .44, yes.

[last lines]

Stoney Crockett:
You know, you're going to be laid up for quite a while, Pat. That's tough luck.

Maria Del Gado:
I will take care of you, Senor Gallagher.

Stoney Crockett:
You know, when it comes to women, Pat, you don't know what tough luck means - and that's for sure!

Maria Del Gado:
Si, senor. That's for sure.

Stoney Crockett:
[narrating] I was contacted all right - by a long knife at my throat. I had to admit... they had a point.

The barber:
Are you a miner?

Stoney Crockett:
No no, I'm 21.

[Stoney, posing as a Chinese man, speaks in pidgin English]

Stoney Crockett:
Five dollar. Sign say flea shampoo!

The barber:
We don't shampoo any fleas in here.

[Stoney unmasks one of the outlaws]

Stoney Crockett:
Oh-ho! Well, I guess the taxpayers will have to keep supporting you, Mr. Collector, but from now on, you'll be behind bars!

[last lines]

Ling Yee:
We Chinese are very patient people, but as Confucius say... well, that is another story.

The barber:
Am I in business for my health?

Stoney Crockett:
You don't look like it.

[Stoney tries to gain entrance into a teepee]

Stoney Crockett:
Anybody home? Is the squaw of the house in?

Pat Gallagher:
There's something more important than cutting lumber.

Lumberman Oliver Bartlett:
I know, but it's just good business for me.

Stoney Crockett:
Is it for anybody else?

Stoney Crockett:
Get anything out of Careful?

Pat Gallagher:
Yeah, after a little persuasion.

Stoney Crockett:
Oh, you mean Careful got careless?

[Pat translates No-Ko-Win's indian sign language]

Pat Gallagher:
They've foresaken the remedies of our ancestors. They've drank the white man's cure and fallen down.

Stoney Crockett:
They drank the white man's curse or I'm Potowatamy's uncle.

Zerbo:
I don't sell firewater to the Indians. Zerbo is a perfectly useless, I mean, harmless mixture. It's used externally.

Stoney Crockett:
Yeah, but the only trouble is the Indians can't read the label.

Zerbo:
Even internally, sir, the formula is merely peppermint leaves, licorice...

Stoney Crockett:
Mm-hmm... and alcohol.

[Stoney sets Zerbo's "medicine" on fire, resulting in a huge explosion]

Zerbo:
You are so right, sir. Technically, it is firewater.

Zerbo:
But sir, you promised me a chance to prove my innocence!

Stoney Crockett:
Yeah, well, get a character witness.

Zerbo:
I know a good character witness, but I can't get him for ninety days.

Stoney Crockett:
What's he doin'?

Zerbo:
Ninety days.

Stoney Crockett:
This is the ain't sayingest crowd I ever met yet!

Judge Jefferson Dixon:
You have heard the verdict of the jury. It is the sentence of this court that you be sent to the Fort Chase jail to be held there one week. On June 21, an hour after sunrise, you will be hanged by the neck until you are dead dead dead!

Pat Gallagher:
It'll only take me a couple of days. They won't hang your for six.

Stoney Crockett:
Well, isn't that lucky for me.

Stoney Crockett:
You'll excuse my contempt of court, Judge, but that's exactly the way I feel.

[last lines]

Pat Gallagher:
[narrating] This was one of the shortest trials in history. It close the case of the hanging jury, and the hanging judge will end his career at the end of the same rope that had given him his reputation.

Stoney Crockett:
Never trust a woman with an axe in her hand.

[last lines]

Stoney Crockett:
Ah, women. What would we do without them?

Pat Gallagher:
Well, we probably wouldn't have sore noses or black eyes.

Stoney Crockett:
[reading a sign] Coulter, Colorado / Elevation 6500 feet. You know, up this high, Pat, you gotta breathe twice as much air to get one good breath.

Pat Gallagher:
You know, Stoney, you shouldn't have any trouble with all the hot air you throw around.

John Anderson:
Our vault is the newest and strongest in the state!

Pat Gallagher:
They don't seem to care how strong your vaults are, Mr. Johnson.

Stoney Crockett:
No, they just dial it open.

Pat Gallagher:
Stoney, what do you do with a woman like that?

Stoney Crockett:
There's only two things you *can* do - marry 'em or get out of their way!

Emerald Kennedy:
I had a hunch I should have blown your heads off when I had the chance to.

Stoney Crockett:
You want to use my gun?

Emerald Kennedy:
No, I know when I'm licked.

Stoney Crockett:
Yeah, and I know when it's empty, too.

Sheriff:
Little late aren't you?

Bill Gray, Indian Commissioner:
I'm afraid so. I was detained in Chief Shona's village.

Sheriff:
Better watch that, Bill. You start coming late to your office, folks around town won't have anything to set their clocks by.

Bill Gray, Indian Commissioner:
Three loads of supplies and not one got through.

Pat Gallagher:
You wouldn't think outlaws would go for tools and groceries would you?

Bill Gray, Indian Commissioner:
Ordinarily, no, but since that gold strike in Oro Valley, a can of beans is worth almost as much as a handful of gold nuggets and a pick and shovel... well, you couldn't get anyone to quote you a price.

Sheriff:
I didn't give you permission to operate in this town. I'm goin' to give you thirty days in the calaboose to think it over.

Zerbo the Peddler:
Oh, no! Not the calaboose, sir. I get train sick.

Sheriff:
Aw, you're thinking of a caboose.

Zerbo the Peddler:
Oh, you can't fool me. A caboose is an Indian baby.

Stoney:
What if an Indian war party rides into town and scalps me?

Pat Gallagher:
Stoney, you know that's physically impossible.

Stoney:
Yeah, but do the Indians know it?

Pat Gallagher:
[Opening Narration] This is Wyoming country in the year 1882 where settlers were waiting for the opening of a new strip of homestead land. This time the government wanted no repetition of what happened on the Cherokee Strip, so my partner and I were riding toward the town of Boden, Wyoming to meet a man named Thompson who is carrying secret information as to when and where the new strip would be opened.

Stoney Crockett:
You know, I still say that you look like Lew Danning. And I was just thinkin'...

Pat Gallagher:
Stoney, every time you start thinking I get in trouble!

[Pat and Stoney learn that a golden wolf has a huge bounty placed on it]

Pat Gallagher:
Hey, how'd you like to take a crack at him?

Stoney Crockett:
Can you just imagine squintin' down the sights at fifteen hundred dollars on the hoof... or should I say paw?

[Pat snaps Stoney out of a day dream]

Pat Gallagher:
Come on, Daniel Boone.

Stoney Crockett:
I was collectin' the money!

[referring to a German shepherd that escaped from a nearby army fort]

Stoney Crockett:
We better get this dogface back to the post. He's been A.W.O.L. for long enough.

Pat Gallagher:
[Opening Narration] This is the story of a manhunt, a pursuit to the death after a treacherous killer that has scourged the Southwest. It begins routinely enough in a little military prison, Fort Yucca, Arizona Territory, 1878.

[Stoney scratches his bald head]

Pat Gallagher:
You're getting dandruff.

Stoney Crockett:
I wish.

[the Nugget City sheriff enforces the town ordinance against carrying weapons]

Sandy Desmond:
Your guns... and your rifles.

Pat Gallagher:
This is the strangest thing I've ever run into.

Stoney Crockett:
I feel undressed.

John Calhoun:
If you've got business with the mayor, I'd advise you to make it short and to the point.

Pat Gallagher:
Why?

John Calhoun:
Because Miss Colby doesn't have much patience with men and no patience at all with talkative men.

Pat Gallagher:
You're a lot of woman, Miss Colby, but I'll have to go against you this time.

Mayor Crystal Colby:
You're a lot of man, Mister. I'd like to see you try it.

Zerbo:
I'm always ready to cut an old friend in on something good.

Stoney Crockett:
Uh-huh... and always ready to cut an old friend's throat, too.

Zerbo:
Are you sure?

Stoney Crockett:
Cross my heart and hope you die!

[last lines]

[Sandy leaps into Stoney's arms and gives him a kiss]

Sandy Desmond:
Did you ever have anything like that happen to you before?

Stoney Crockett:
Yeah, once. It was up in Wyoming - a grizzly bear made a pass at me. I ran then and I'm runnin' now!

[Stoney flees]

Sandy Desmond:
Stoney!

Stoney Crockett:
Run for it, Pat!

Pat Gallagher:
[to the townspeople] See you in church.