Creature Comforts

[episode:
Working Animals]

Battery Hen #1:
Come on, I'm watching you. Half an hour's gone and you 'aven't done nothing.

[episode - Working Animals]

Pickles:
I really look forward to going to work because I really enjoy working with people that have got difficulties and struggles and I feel like I can make a difference.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Cockroach:
I think it's good to work because you get dignity from it and I've done all kinds, I've worked in a hotel, I worked in this hotel in Tinmouth and I'd be there at night, I'd work on the desk, I'd help in the kitchen but I also cleaned toilets. I mean why not? I like different roles and it just means I can channel the madness in different areas.

[episode - Working Animals]

Teeth-cleaning bird:
From, I think, just on a personal level, yeah I do prefer to provide a valuable service to them, definitely, I mean it's not necessarily painful but sometimes it can be a bit uncomfortable, you know, sort of like pulling at their cheeks sometimes to get right to the back of the teeth, so enjoy the end result, I think that's what they enjoy.

[episode - Working Animals]

Battery Hen #2:
Teamwork. That's one thing about it I like. I wouldn't like to work on my own. There used to be more...

Battery Hen #1:
There used to be 200 of us

Battery Hen #2:
We've lost quite a few

Battery Hen #1:
We're all getting older now look

[episode - Working Animals]

Male Pheasant:
Early on, when you're young, you kind of get too excited and you use up so much energy getting nervous, as you get older, now that I'm older you just try and stay calm [gunshot and pheasant hides behind a bush] ohhh go away!

[episode - Working Animals]

Lab Mouse 9:
The thing about being in a lab is you're your own boss, you're free to sort of run several things at once and it's a very sociable atmosphere in many labs and ours is a great place to work and in some labs you can have music playing because a lot of what you're doing isn't using your brain at the time.

[episode - Working Animals]

Lab Mouse 4:
I think we should all be in clinical trials, we have a moral obligation. Fortunately, I've never been asked but I take so many drugs anyhow I *am* a clinical trial.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Greyhound:
I feel that if I've given my best performance and it's a good one then obviously I get the reward, the pat on the back, knowing that you've tried to do your best for your coach they've given you the training, the least you can do is- [race starts]

[episode - Working Animals]

The Dolphin:
I do define goals and targets, but then when you get going it's fun, it's just good fun, really. It doesn't feel like work, it just feels like you're just being really silly.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Blackbird:
You know, my job is, you know, I'm in the entertainment business, so you know I'm a singer, actress, whatever, that means I do a lot of travelling, you know, I have to fly to different countries sometimes.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Nag:
I'm alright walking on the flat and downhill but I can't go uphill, soon as I start to go uphill I get chest pains, it starts to tighten up so what I do where I live there's a downhill slope down to the, what they call the co-op, I walk down there and come back on the bus.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Greyhound:
It can be stressful, yes, as a runner because you strive to- [race starts]

[episode - Working Animals]

Lab Mouse 4:
I'm terrified of retirement. Terrified. I really like my work and I don't want to retire. No.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Nag:
The ideal weather for me is dry, about 68, 65 to 68 I'm perfect, anything over that or under that, I'm struggling, especially in cold mornings. I shouldn't really go out in cold mornings, I've been told, I shouldn't go out in cold mornings, I shouldn't go out in the wind, and I also, you know, I should just do what I can do and as I say some days I can move mountains, the next day I can't do anything.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Greyhound:
Tactics are very important in a race.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Cockroach:
You know, you hear about chefs being crazy, he was crazy, he would throw knives around, you know, thankfully I didn't have a lot of dealings with him, 'cause I was, you know, dealing with other, sort of, areas in the hotel, but I just kept out of his way. My friend got it in the neck.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Dolphin:
I like that feeling of, like, accomplishing something, but if I had a choice, I would rather not work, and just really just have a really nice life, yeah, I think sometimes you feel a bit like you're a slave to someone else really.

[episode - Working Animals]

Pickles:
If you work every day and you're doing something you don't enjoy then life must be so miserable, you know, and if you're doing something you don't enjoy, I don't know why you don't just give it up and do something you do enjoy because, you know, you may as well enjoy life because you don't live for very long so you may as well enjoy what you're doing when you are working and I really enjoy what I do and if I ever did something that I didn't enjoy then I'd give it up immediately and do something that I really did enjoy because I like to enjoy life, you know.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Owl:
I'm looking for a job of the sort of clerical nature, administrative perhaps, preferably to do with customer relations.

[episode - Working Animals]

The Greyhound:
When I retire from racing, I don't even like to think about it, I feel that each day I can run, touch wood, with, er, injury free conditions then I'll run til I drop.

[episode - Working Animals]

Battery Hen #2:
When we work in a factory we are looked after, aren't we, we have the dentist, the chiropodist.

Battery Hen #4:
Chest x-rays.

Battery Hen #2:
We get all our injections done and everything, you know, without even going out of the factory, which is good.

[episode - Working Animals]

Maggot on a fishhook:
You can't be morbid, else you wouldn't be able to do the work, you've got to have laugh or a joke, you have a joke, you know. It's just you or them, isn't it. Just animal instinct.

[episode - Working Animals]

Battery Hen #5:
I think Feng Shui should be introduced to all office environments.

[episode - Working Animals]

Teeth-cleaning bird:
I'd like to have a go at trying to clean an elephant's tusks.

[episode - Working Animals]

Lab Mouse 4:
Can I just tell you something, that is not a human ear on the back of a mouse, that is one of the most grotesque misrepresentations that I know, it's a piece of cartilage *shaped* like a human ear put into an epithelial covering, it's *not* a human ear.

[episode - The Sea]

The Turtle:
The sea, that black vastness, coupled with your imagination of the sea and the fact that the sea has all these creatures that are from other planets, the vastness of the sea out there and sea monsters and dark, you're right against it, you know what I mean? You're right against it.

[episode - The Sea]

The Amoeba:
How is water water? It's an eternal mystery. Every time I look at it, it just completely amazes me. It behaves unlike any other material that we've got on the planet. It has a property that nothing else has which is a form of quantum coherence. But water seems to have, the quantum coherence field moves outside the molecule and the water can be seen to be acting as a whole and this is extraordinarily unusual.

[episode - The Sea]

Walrus 1:
You enjoy being buoyed up by it, but of course with every swell there's always a little dip at the other side so that's something that you always have to check for and be aware of.

Walrus 2:
That's too clever for me, all that stuff.

[episode - The Sea]

The Dolphin:
I was scared of the sea because it was really big and I was really little, and it was just really huge and it was cold and it was unpredictable and, you know, you'd get splashed and knocked over and I got dumped a few times by the waves and I didn't like that at all, not one bit, and it would be all in my eyes, and no it wasn't very nice but once I learned to swim, I was much happier and now I can't wait, I'll always go swimming in the sea now.

[episode - The Sea]

Walrus 1:
I think it's a great medium, it supports you, it's fun, it's, you know, a beautiful environment to be in so for me, I love water

Walrus 2:
I don't love water, I'm scared in the water.

[episode - The Sea]

The Jellyfish:
When I'm swimming on my front, I haven't still learned the technique of tilting my head to the side and taking in a breath. I take in a lot of water, that's the way it is, seriously I drink so much water that it's a danger to others.

[episode - The Sea]

The Shark:
The sound of the sea. Definitely, the sound of the sea. I find it really, really peaceful.

[episode - The Sea]

The Archer Fish:
I like swimming, because, er, you can, erm, lose yourself, you can be on your own, you know, you have more space. It's nature you know, it's nice.

[episode - The Sea]

Seagull 1:
Bobbing around in the sea?

Seagull 2:
I don't like bobbing around in the sea.

Seagull 1:
I used to like bobbing around in the sea, put it that way, when we were younger but I don't go now.

[episode - The Sea]

Shrimp 1:
I'm an excellent swimmer and I've got loads of badges and I've won a few competitions, I've got life saving awards and all sorts of badges.

[episode - The Sea]

Walrus 1:
I'd like, er, to have something that would unfold out of your nose, like a teriscope.

Walrus 2:
A periscope.

Walrus 1:
Like a periscope so that when you went swimming you could just shoot this periscope up.

Walrus 2:
Oh yes that would be good.

Walrus 1:
And you could just get air the whole time, that would be great. It would have to be very long though, wouldn't it, because if you're going 20 foot down or something.

Walrus 2:
Yeah, I think so.

[episode - The Sea]

The Amoeba:
I have a geolistic relationship with the ocean. I'm absolutely thrilled by it and energised by it but I'm made nervous by its immensity and its depth

[episode - The Sea]

The Dolphin:
When you've been down, it's really deep down in the sea, it's when you're diving, and then you come up too fast I think you get an air bubble in your head and it decompresses your brain.

[episode - The Sea]

The Archer Fish:
If I go too deep, can have headache, or you know. That's the thing about diving, you know, it's not as free as people think.

[episode - The Sea]

Shrimp 1:
I don't like the idea of being under water for too long, about a minute is long enough for me, as long as I can hold my breath then I want to be out of there.

[episode - The Sea]

The Shark:
There's only a certain depth you can go to, isn't there, without erm, your head exploding?

[episode - The Sea]

The Amoeba:
I think the sensation of lying on water and having the waves take you up and down is a very primal, er, experience it's saying you are tiny, insignificant and I can sweep you away.

[episode - The Sea]

The Jellyfish:
I've got severe motion sickness, oh I mean it used to be pretty bad, I used to puke all the time but now it's a bit better, it's just, it's not a pleasant experience for me personally now.

[episode - The Sea]

Shrimp 1:
I don't like jellyfish at all, they frighten me, don't like being stung by anything, bees, wasps, jellyfish, any of that stuff, don't like it.

Shrimp 2:
No, there's nothing that scares me in the sea, only the obvious floaty things which shouldn't really be there to be honest.

[episode - The Sea]

The Turtle:
I love the sea, I love swimming in the sea, I think the sea is *really* scary, man, it's a whole another universe in the sea, man, the sea is like a big tank, um, all kind of things, and the thing is, actually when you're in the sea, it's really interesting that thing when you kind of dive into the sea and you get in there and you go out there, you realise as a being, the being that you are, the species that you are, is, you know, you've suddenly fallen very rapidly down the food chain, you are no longer the dominant species you are suddenly food.

[episode - The Sea]

The Amoeba:
I'm not afraid of anything 'cause I gave up fear, but nothing scared me at all until somebody told me I should watch out for sharks.

[episode - The Sea]

The Archer Fish:
I'm ok with sharks. They have such a bad reputation, everybody hate them, I don't know why, they're quite nice.

[episode - The Sea]

Walrus 2:
So, I do have a real phobia about water, don't I.

Walrus 1:
Hmm, yeah.

Walrus 2:
Which is driving everybody mad now.

[episode - The Sea]

Shrimp 1:
I'm quite low down in the food chain, 'cause there's no [shrimp 2 laughs] I am, think about it, how many things can eat me? There's loads, int there. [to shrimp 2] And you.

[episode - The Garden]

Gary the Slug:
Gardening, eh?

Nigel the Slug:
Very apt.

Gary the Slug:
Well, we don't really know much about gardening, do we.

Nigel the Slug:
We seem to get by.

[episode - The Garden]

Stan the baby bird:
Digging dirt up and putting it on the compost. That's our favourite thing in the garden.

[episode - The Garden]

The Earthworm:
I do everything in my power to avoid having to go out in the garden. It's just not my cup of tea. At all. Boring, dirty, cold, wet, generally out here.

[episode - The Garden]

The Blackbird:
I love gardening. You know, they say that in the garden, it's the closest place to God, you know. And I wait for a nice warm day when I can go and pull a few things up, you know what I mean.

[episode - The Garden]

Captain Cuddlepuss:
I like gardening, but I'd like to do more, I'd like to have the time, I love to see things grow, I love to design things.

[episode - The Garden]

The Woodpecker:
Well, a garden is a place for contemplation, isn't it, for reflection.

[episode - The Garden]

The Mole:
Oh yeah, gardenin', you know, it's not an easy job, erm, you know, when you're diggin' all day, you know the ol' back tends to suffer at the end of the day, you mek it as easy as you can really.

[episode - The Garden]

Gary the Slug:
Me and Nige, like, we like being out in the open, more than we do actually indoors, I believe that anyway, and I think Nigel, what Nigel likes about it is, he's got that sort of saying, like, you know, no you do it this way, and I think he likes it, but I think we both, we both, we get on quite well together, sometimes you have a moan at me and that about it, like, but I mean two minds are better than one is what I always say, but, you know, we make sure that the job is done, and it's done to the best of our capabilities, and the job is cleared and the job is actually spot on when we leave.

[episode - The Garden]

The Hedgehog:
I would call this a labour intensive garden. Yes. Yes. It is.

[episode - The Garden]

Nancy the rat:
We 'ave a yard, which is very nicely decked out, isn't it?

Sid the rat:
Yeah, well, yeah, it's alright.

Nancy the rat:
I really like it. It gets loads of sun, got some ornamental grasses.

Sid the rat:
It's quite small, but it's nice.

Nancy the rat:
It's not that small.

Sid the rat:
Smallish.

[episode - The Garden]

The Frog:
There aren't many ponds in the neighbourhood and certainly in the height of summer when it gets quite dry, sort of any body of water attracts frogs from miles around, sort of a lonely hearts pond for frogs, yes, sort of singles bar sort of thing.

[episode - The Garden]

Sid the rat:
We've got a little bit of decking and then a bit of grass and some rows of...

Nancy the rat:
and a bit of slabs.

Sid the rat:
[laughs] a bit of slabs.

Nancy the rat:
it has, it's got everything.

Sid the rat:
Paving.

Nancy the rat:
yeah, slabs.

[episode - The Garden]

Stan the baby bird:
And you can dig, dirt, grass, sheds, bikes, flat stones.

[episode - The Garden]

The Caterpillar:
What's your favourite plant?

The Butterfly:
I don't have any favourite plants, I like all the plants, except vegetables, I hate vegetables.

The Caterpillar:
I don't like any plants except vegetables.

The Butterfly:
You're only saying that.

The Caterpillar:
No, it's true, I can't...

The Butterfly:
You like olive trees.

The Caterpillar:
I can't see the point of flowers, really.

[episode - The Garden]

The Frog:
I like a good-looking garden which attracts all sorts of living things into it, be a sort of magnet for life, I like contrasts of form and colour.

[episode - The Garden]

Stan the baby bird:
And cat papoo and dog papoo.

Ted the baby bird:
and bird papoo.

[episode - The Garden]

Nigel the Slug:
This organic gardening, that's come a long way, hasn't it? More people are sort of, I notice in our gardens that we visit, that there's a lot of people with their own compost heaps and that, putting their own sort of peelings and stuff like that.

Gary the Slug:
Well it's like that garden we done up in Portishead, that one at the bottom she had all that black stuff and you opened it up and it was just flat, remember? That was that one we done all the shrubs and that in her garden and that stuff was really good, and I mean that's good for organic stuff.

Nigel the Slug:
Yeah it all helps, dunnit?

Gary the Slug:
Yeah.

[episode - The Garden]

The Mole:
They're about number one on the hit list are slugs, crawling and sliming across leaves and eating, you know, not very good, you can follow them, you see these silvery trails.

[episode - The Garden]

Nigel the Slug:
I could eat almost anything.

Gary the Slug:
Yeah, I'm the same.

Nigel the Slug:
I wouldn't refuse anything, the only thing I don't eat is [pause] turkish delight.

Gary the Slug:
I like turkish delight.

Nigel the Slug:
Can't stand it. And lychees.

Gary the Slug:
What don't I like? I think, I like most everything. Yeah, Brussel sprouts and that, I like 'em, but the missus don't like it. Not after.

Nigel the Slug:
Yeah, I know what she means.

[episode - The Garden]

Trixie:
Slugs, in my opinion, they're ugly looking things, but they're probably eating all the creatures aren't so they're probably doing your garden good so leave them.

Captain Cuddlepuss:
I don't think they are actually doing your garden good.

Trixie:
are they not?

Captain Cuddlepuss:
well they eat your leaves and they can wreck your plants.

Trixie:
I know nothing about gardening.

Captain Cuddlepuss:
that's why they make slug pellets.

Trixie:
Yeah, you're right.

Captain Cuddlepuss:
They don't make worm pellets.

Trixie:
Silly old me, I know.

[episode - The Garden]

The Mole:
I suppose the next one along is a caterpillar, which seems a shame when you think a caterpillar turns into such a beautiful thing but a caterpillar can mek such a mess of, you know, a lot of plants, you know, with leaves munched away again.

[episode - The Garden]

The Caterpillar:
Yeah, I like the idea of, like, a good crop of potatoes or a good crop of beans or peas whereas flowers...

The Butterfly:
aren't useful.

The Caterpillar:
I mean, they are, they're useful in the sense that you can sit and enjoy them, but it's an awful lot of effort, isn't it?

The Butterfly:
Well, no it's not.

[episode - The Garden]

The Hedgehog:
I must admit to having a very great affection for the plant that we call by the unfortunate name of [long pause] dog's tooth violet. Sorry for that delay.

[episode - The Garden]

Gary the Slug:
There is a shrub that I do like actually and it's the Burning Bush, have you ever seen one?

Nigel the Slug:
The burning bush.

Gary the Slug:
It's called a burning bush.

Nigel the Slug:
A burning bush.

Gary the Slug:
A burning bush it's called, and basically it goes green and when it dies, it goes to die off it goes completely brilliant red. That's why they call it a burning bush 'cause actually it goes from a nice dark green to a real burning red. And that's called the burning bush. It just goes to, like, branches, in little branches and then it goes green and then goes all over it again but the tree never goes away, it stays there all the time, so it's a bush that's there, well I should say a shrub, as well as a bush what is there all year round.

[episode - The Garden]

The Earthworm:
Just mucky, messy, boring, rubbish.

[episode - The Garden]

Sid the rat:
It's got a shed, which I'm really made up about, 'cause I've, like, always wanted a shed, all my life and now I've got one.

Nancy the rat:
to read pornography in.

Sid the rat:
No, not to read pornography in, but I've got a radio and listen to the football results with a paraffin heater in fingerless gloves.

[episode - The Garden]

Stan the baby bird:
It's not chocolate, it's not, it's not grass, it's not, it's not anything, it's dirt. I'm telling stories.

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Black Stallion:
British food, I think, is first class. Somehow clean, erm, satisfying.

[episode - Feeding Time]

Seagull 2:
English food is very bland isn't it?

Seagull 1:
Yeah, but I'm not I'm not terribly spicy, I'm not, well, i like spices but the spices don't like me, know what I mean?

Seagull 2:
I like spices, and I like all kinds, and there's nothing round here anyway, is there?

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Nag:
The trouble with the foods we eat now, there's too much fat in them and the worst thing that happens in this country is too many people eat chips.

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Tortoise:
Ooh. Egg and chips, egg chips gammon, erm, [pause] chip butties.

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Nag:
I mean, at lunchtime, instead of kiddies going down and buying a couple of apples or a couple of pears, what do they do, they go to the chip shops and buy chips and when they get home at night they have chips again.

[episode - Feeding Time]

Pickles:
You know, if I have too much chocolate I get a bit fat and I put on a lot [giggles] I put on a lot of weight.

[episode - Feeding Time]

Gary the Slug:
Yeah she eats really well for her diet, I mean, I pile the weight on and she piles it off, so I think what she loses I gain.

Gary's wife:
I try and eat healthy.

Gary the Slug:
She eats brown bread and all that stuff, apples and bananas, you name it she eats it.

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Greyhound:
The main staple diet for runners is...

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Black Stallion:
We had, er, in fact we have wild strawberries, we have wild strawberries, er, and of course if it was acorn, acorn time, you could always eat an acorn, and even a thistle, you could always peel the top off a thistle.

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Fly:
The crust on top, amazing, and then you get that gooey stuff inside but that sort of poo is a lot healthier, horse poo and cow poo. Cow pats are fantastic to look at with all those dung beetles crawling around inside them.

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Dung Beetle:
Just as long as it's filling and *barely* edible, I'll pretty much eat it, I'm always too hungry to be picky.

[episode - Feeding Time]

The Spider:
I don't catch flies because they eat poo and I don't like poo.

The Blue Persian Cat:
I remember having a severe cold which didn't shift and I shared a flat with a couple of vet students who dosed me on Famel syrup, the main active ingredient of which I believe is creosote. So I spent several days smelling like a fence post, but it did the job.

[episode - Pets at the vets]

Sid the rat:
I'm the kind of person who's a bit of a hypochondriac and if I get a little nagging pain I automatically think it's something really serious, but then I never go to the doctor.

Nancy the rat:
And you never shut up about it either.

Sid the rat:
I know. It's just a typical bloke thing really.

Nancy the rat:
It's not.

Sid the rat:
Shall we row about this now?

The Bright Yellow Budgie:
Doctors have always scared me because when I was born I nearly died. I had a 50-50 per cent chance of living when I was born and I was in a little incubator and my eyes were all covered over and I was yellow. Which was awful.

Performing dog 2:
Well, I'm sorry, I'm one of these that goes to the doctor when it's generally necessary, I mean I ain't one of these who goes for every pill, potion and tablet that there is. You know, If I know what's the matter with me I expect the doctor to do something about it, I won't be fobbed off by them.

Alvin the dancing bear:
I've fallen for a nurse, yeah. I fell for a nurse once, blond, beautiful lady, quite nice she was, yes, used to travel to Birmingham to see her on the old motorbike.

The Piranha Fish:
I rarely go to the doctor. Last time I went, he thought I'd died because I hadn't been for such a long time.

The Great Tit:
The best effective medicine is I have no idea.

Clement the Bloodhound:
Now you see I've had a lot of things wrong with me, I mean I'm always coming to the doctors, and you get there and you find that, you know, there's queues to wait all the time, int there? Most of the time. And then, well I mean, doctors, a lot of the time waiting in queues, I mean, most of the time you spend most of the time at the doctors just waiting, don't you.

The Pig:
Doctors and I are great friends, I owe a lot to doctors, they've kept me alive. I've seen a lot of them, they've come, they've prodded me from top to bottom, in and out, every end, every part of my body, and they've cut me open and stitched me up and done a pretty good job on me all over.

Performing dog 2:
I can't deal with sputum and I can't do very much with feet. I can't do anything with anybody's feet, doing anything with me own sputum really makes me stomach turn over. You know. [pause] I don't mind vomit.

Ivana the lion:
I developed a funny lock-jaw, you know, dribble was coming out the side of my mouth, I couldn't speak, I couldn't chew, I just wanted to die. Took one look at me and said 'oh, that's an allergic reaction', he gave me my antidote and immediately my mouth just went back to normal.

Clement the Bloodhound:
That's what I've got now, I've got throat swelling now, and I've got the tablets, you know, I've got the tablets for that for the moment as well.

Clement the Bloodhound:
Now, you see, I've had a lot of things wrong with me. There was big problems with my eyes at one stage. I went in about my eyes a lot of times, and had to go and see specialists but you see what they do is they clamp your head in this big clamp and they want to bounce things on your eyeballs. Well, you can't, you know, I couldn't be doing with that, you know, so I'm pulling my head out of this clamp all the time. That's another occasion when they told me I could just go me own way so I got thrown out of there as well.

The Nag:
I've took a lot of tablets all me life, about 23,000 and I'm still alive but at the end of the day, I think without them I'd have been dead.

Fluffy the hamster:
I once had my head slammed in a door, that was good. I was saying goodbye to my friend and somebody slammed the door on my head, and it was my birthday and I had to have five stitches in my head so I've got them as well.

Performing dog 2:
I mean, I could have had a DVT, couldn't I, laid in bed all that time, but I mean as I say they gave me an anti-coagulant, anyway, I'm here to tell the story so there's people worse off than I am and I can walk about alright.

The Bright Yellow Budgie:
I had an eye operation quite a few years ago. I flew very quickly after I'd had the eye operation and it was a real concern, I shouldn't have flown because it put too much pressure behind the eye.

Performing dog 2:
I had a blood test the other day but I *do not* like needles, I don't like needles at all. I look away when I'm having an injection.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
I'm fine with injections into any part of my body but I won't have them in my mouth and the reason is that...

Toto performing monkey 1:
I've always been completely the opposite, I love injections in my mouth.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
Really.

Toto performing monkey 1:
I really quite like them and in fact the more sort of intrusive the dentistry the better, I like it really.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
Well, I'm not keen on dentists now, I was the last in Britain to be gassed.

Toto performing monkey 1:
They didn't use enough gas did they.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
No, I mean I did come round. But, erm, that's when they first started phasing gas out because they said gas is too dangerous.

The Piranha Fish:
The big black mask, you can see it coming towards your face and the smell of the rubber and having all my bottom teeth filled without anaesthetic. Dentists. Just brutal. Really brutal.

Clement the Bloodhound:
Dr Bewers, he was, he was very good, that boy, I mean, I think he was the first one who told me, you know, some of the many things that was wrong with me. Er, you know, I had a problem of the inner ear and asthma what I had for a long time.

Captain Cuddlepuss:
I've got a small scar on me forehead where a child threw a brick at me, well it seemed like a brick at the time. And I've got a scar here.

Trixie:
I have no scars. I have no scars whatsoever anywhere.

Captain Cuddlepuss:
You have!

Trixie:
Have I? You can't count that as a scar, it's only little.

Captain Cuddlepuss:
Well, it is a scar.

Trixie:
Well, I don't count it as a scar so.

Captain Cuddlepuss:
Do you not?

Trixie:
No.

Fluffy the hamster:
I've got a scar on my elbow and a scar on my other elbow and a scar on my knee and a scar on my other knee, my tongue, my head. I don't think I've got any other scars, not physical ones, mental ones obviously I've got a lot of them but you can't see them because they're inside my brain.

Ivana the Lion:
On my face, my legs, my stomach, my arms, wrists, hands, everywhere. There is no one part on my body that does not have a scar.

The Pig:
I was injured badly once, somebody kicked me in the forehead. Being very young, I got up and carried on and didn't think it had done me much damage, for all I know some of that damage may still be there, may still affect some of the things I do and some of the things I say.

The Piranha Fish:
I think it's great. I love smiling, I love being happy and jovial, telling jokes, being the butt end of jokes but hey now I can do it with a mouth full of teeth and I'm really looking forward to it.

Toto performing monkey 1:
I've broken all my toes, I've got a dodgy knee, I've bust both my ankles and bent my feet back round so they're next to my shins, broken my hand and my wrist, my collarbones three times, bashed my head, knackered my back [pause] but it's all been worth it.

Clement the Bloodhound:
Now it's a lot of talk is what I find. Er, now, yeah, sorry what was the question again?

Clement the Bloodhound:
Now it's these heart palpitations I get, you see, you never know when they're gonna come, they just... and you've got your heart just jumping about all over the place.

Matilda the cow:
I had to stand on one leg and blow a raspberry. Go arse over... whatsit in front of 250 people. And I bonked my head, I thought I was a gonner and I heard them as I hit the floor go 'ohhh!' like that. And it was weird, 'cause I like took off. I just like flew! And I was just so embarrassed, I was like 'no, I'm fine, I'm fine, just get back on, just get back on, just get back on, I'm fine, I'm fine'.

[episode - The Circus]

Toto performing monkey 1:
One of the things we least like about what we do is...

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
[interrupting] working with each other.

Toto performing monkey 1:
Working with each other.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
Yeah.

Toto performing monkey 1:
You're constantly having to travel with each other, work with each other, be creative...

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
[interrupting] Do interviews

Toto performing monkey 1:
Do interviews, do everything together.

[episode - The Circus]

Nancy the rat:
I can do nothing like that. I can't even juggle.

Sid the rat:
Neither can I. I can juggle with two things, not with three.

Nancy the rat:
That's not really juggling is it.

Sid the rat:
No. It's just chucking stuff up in the air, isn't it.

Alvin the dancing bear:
Apart from doing a bit of stretching, a bit of yoga, trying to get my foot behind my neck and stuff like that, just to kind of loosen the old gizzards. Um, we used to get down and do 'bang out 20! Drop and give me 20!', so we used to do that. And then all stick our knuckles together, like loads of bravado kind of blokey business, put your knuckles together. Things like that.

Ivana the lion:
[to the tune of the William Tell Overture] Many men, many men, many men men men, many men, many men, many men men men...

Fluffy the hamster:
I haven't got any circus skills at all. I can't juggle, I can't throw the knife at the lady, I can't tame the lion and I can't crack the whip or... or jump into a small bucket. Can't do any of those things.

Mr Tickles the seal:
You feel sick sometimes, but as soon as I go on stage I think 'well, this is it. I can't turn back now, I'm on, I'm on, I'm on, I'm on, oh God, here comes the light, the light's going up, the light's going up'. Inside, the real me is saying 'oh my God, oh my God', you know, 'here we go, why am I doing this? I love it when I'm doing it, I know I like when I'm doing but why am I doing it? I'm glad I didn't have too much to eat'.

Ivana the Lion:
Like, I was doing a job in Brighton recently and that had a real buzz about it and then I was in Suffolk or somewhere like that doing an agricultural show and people had come to look at the cows.

The Elephant:
The thing that really excites me about performing is that it's a release of any tensions that you might have inside you.

The Flying Pig:
I am scared of heights a bit. I think I could get over it though.

Fluffy the hamster:
The circus is... [pause] it's a bit boring really, isn't it?

Alvin the dancing bear:
It's a kind two-way thing, it's seeing people enjoy and just connecting with them, you know what I mean, I kind of like that about it really.

The White Horse:
I normally try and interact with an audience but with 800 it becomes really difficult but I actually think I managed and that's an amazing feeling to just see that you're making an impact.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
We spent a huge amount of time when we were on the road exercising, we would stay up all night long practising our handstands, we used to spend hours balancing and tumbling and helping each other learn new tricks, use our bicycles, that sort of thing.

[episode - The Circus]

Toto performing monkey 1:
I'm not sure whether it does excite me anymore or if it's just the money.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
It does me, the thing that excites me about performing really is the fact that you're doing some good, you're making people laugh.

Toto performing monkey 1:
Except the ones that walk off.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
Except the ones that walk off.

Mr Tickles the seal:
You need to warm all those areas up. Your body and then moving on to your voice and I start to hum. Then there's opening your voice and going 'aaa ooo aaa ooo aaa ooo'.

Fluffy the hamster:
Clowns are creepy aren't they. They're not funny at all, they're just weird.

Matilda the cow:
We did a show a couple of years ago and 8,000 kids saw it in a week, we had about 1,000 kids per performance, and the kids were like, you know, they were eight or nine, screaming blue murder. Oh I've never been so scared in all my life, why did I- I must be stupid. Then you get out there and you look out and you think, they're just loving it and they're completely engrossed in what you're doing.

Ivana the lion:
I don't find the clowns funny. I do begrudge them coming on. I find it quite insulting.

[Discussing slapstick]

Sid the rat:
Slapstick just isn't funny, I don't think. D'you know what I mean? A car falling apart and somebody falling over

[Discussing clowns]

Pickles:
Erm, no what I enjoy about the clowns I think they're very talented actually, because erm when clowns get together at the circus they can do things that are very funny, like they can throw custard pies at each other and things, in a very funny way to make a lot of people laugh and you have to be very talented to be able do that, you have to be an entertainer.

[Discussing clowns]

Pickles:
And, erm, they're very funny actually.

[discussing clowns]

Performing dog #1:
No, oh my goodness, no way, they're so horrible. They're, they're really frightening and I think a lot of people are scared of clowns.

[Discussing clowns and the use of slapstick]

The Black Horse:
If it's badly done it can be very sad.

The White Horse:
It's totally embarassing, yeah, I don't like clowns

The Black Horse:
If it doesn't work out you feel pity for them and that's like so awful.

[First memory of clowns]

The Elephant:
The one I first saw when I was a little kid was called Doodles. Yes, I like the clowns, I like the clowns, I like slapstick.

[discussing feelings before a performance]

The Elephant:
If there aren't a few butterflies around in the tummy before you go on stage, you're probably not going to give a good performance, you've got to be keyed up.

The Elephant:
You've got to communicate with the audience but not to look at them because you are apart from them and it would break the illusion.

The Flying Pig:
You'd think after all this time I wouldn't, but yes I still do, I still freak out and panic and fear, you know, the audience reaction to me and [pause] and then I get over it.

Mr Tickles the seal:
Every time I went on, I could just *feel* the people laughing at me, it was fantastic. That gives me such a buzz. Such a hell of a buzz.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
We turned down Freddie Starr, didn't we.

Toto performing monkey 1:
We turned down Freddie Starr.

Muzulu performing monkey 2:
Freddie Starr couldn't pay enough for us. That was the highlight of our career.

Toto performing monkey 1:
That was the highlight of our career, turning down Freddie Starr.

The Elephant:
That's something I hadn't really considered, appearing on television. But if the chance came, yes. Yes, it would be a new dimension.

The Flying Pig:
It's, it's the erm, it's the, [laughs] it's, it's knowing that whatever I take on to perform in front of the audience, actually it comes through me, it's something that I take on and it just... Kaboom!

The Woodpecker:
I get a bird's eye view of some of the most extraordinary gardens. Sometimes you can be up one tree which has eight gardens underneath it. All the neighbouring gardens are gnashing their teeth about this big tree and the person who owns the tree has a very defensive attitude towards it.

Walrus 1:
If you get the bends, it can be quite narcotic, you can get a kind of narcotic effect. You don't know which direction you're going in, you don't know which is up or down, you don't know how long you've been in the water, you can't regulate yourself anymore. I think it's really, really dangerous.

Walrus 2:
I've had altitude sickness which is like the opposite, isn't it?

The Shark:
Er, I just don't really like the idea of feeling like eating fish, which is a bit dumb 'cause obviously they're there, erm, the bit that I really hate is when you get, erm, all that like, seaweed, yeah, I suppose it is seaweed, that kind of like catches round, you know, that brown stuff like, erm, tagliatelle, but it's, erm, that kind of like wraps itself round, that's when I get a bit freaked out and I kind of think I'd rather be in a swimming pool.

The Shark:
I have to say I don't really like the idea of what's below. I find it a bit kind of like, ooh, I think how deep am I, or is there going to be kind of, you know, 'cause I do swim quite a way out but I have to say the further out, it's sort of like testing myself, like 'go on, go on, how far can you go'.

The Amoeba:
I think I have a very intimate relationship with water 'cause I'm primarily composed of it. But I do think water is one of the great mysteries.

Security Bulldog:
You start Monday, Tuesday you do mornings, Wednesday, Thursday you do afternoons, Friday, Saturday, Sunday you do nights, but you don't, I've done this, you don't know if you're coming or going, every two days you've got to change your sleep pattern, it's awful.

[episode - Working Animals]

Battery Hen #1:
It *is* very repetitive

Battery Hen #2:
Oh yeah, it is very repetitive. The foreman's always watching you.

Battery Hen #4:
But we couldn't, we couldn't wander about, we can't wander about but if we make a mistake, but then we would be severely reprimanded.

Police dog #1:
You know when I was very young, and first went with the force, if there was four or five hooligans, you know, sort of standing in the way, they would be told to move. And God help them if they didn't move. You know, they'd get a bite on the bum and probably a smack round the earhole with a cabe, erm, you know, from the policeman.

Police dog #2:
You can't have an effective working police dog which is non-agressive. As they get older, all they want to do is be the leader of the pack, it's their instinct, and every now and again he probably just challenges me for the leadership of the pack and every now and again we have a little tete-a-tete.

[Talking about animal testing]

Trixie:
They use mice, don't they, for things.

Captain Cuddlepuss:
What? Eyeliner?

Trixie:
It's not nice, really is it?

Captain Cuddlepuss:
What? Lipstick on a Yorkshire terrier?

Trixie:
No.