Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

Rigby Reardon:
What's he paying you boys? I'll double it and we'll beat the sh*t out of HIM.

Rigby Reardon:
All dames are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the sh*t out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious."

Juliet Forrest:
What are you doing?

Rigby Reardon:
Adjusting your breasts. You fainted and they shifted all out of whack.

Juliette Forrest:
What does "Foc" mean?

Rigby Reardon:
It's a slang word. When a man and a woman are in love, the man puts his -

Juliette Forrest:
No, no. Here: "F. O. C."

Rigby Reardon:
My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.

Rigby Reardon:
I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.

Rigby Reardon:
Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you.

Field Marshall Von Kluck:
It is customary in these situations for the developer of the plan to explain it.

Rigby Reardon:
It is also customary for the DETECTIVE to explain how HE figured it out!

Rigby Reardon:
I'd like to see Ms. Forrest.

Rigby Reardon:
Rigby Reardon, tell her I've been shot.

Rigby Reardon:
No, I don't know myself.

Rigby Reardon:
Faint? Never... Catch me.

Juliet Forrest:
If you need me, just call. You know how to dial, don't you? You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles.

Field Marshal Von Kluck:
It is customary in zese situations for ze developer of ze plan to describe it.

Rigby Reardon:
I beg your pardon. But it's also customary for the private eye to tell how he figured it out.

Field Marshal Von Kluck:
No, it is my right! We were able to dupe Dr. Forrest by posing as a humanitary organization, who planned to wipe out hunger, by ageing cheese faster.

Rigby Reardon:
But when your father finally saw what they were doing -

Field Marshal Von Kluck:
- he began to assemble lists of names of our agents -

Rigby Reardon:
- and seemed about to go to the FBI.

Field Marshal Von Kluck:
We were zerfore obliged to kidnap him, drug him ang bring him -

Rigby Reardon:
- here! First faking his death so there'd be no further investigation.

Field Marshal Von Kluck:
But vile testing ze mold on a small island nearby -

Rigby Reardon:
- cruise ship "Immer Essen" passed by. Some of the passengers saw the tiny island dissolve.

Field Marshal Von Kluck:
Zey were zerfore labeled "enemies" because of what zey haf seen. We had Walter Neff cancel all further tours and our -

Rigby Reardon:

Field Marshal Von Kluck:
Schweinehund!

Rigby Reardon:
Jerk!

Rigby Reardon:
I guess to be a good exterminator, you have to enjoy killing things.

Rigby Reardon:
If you want me to investigate your father's death I get 10 dollars a day - plus expenses.

Juliet Forrest:
Would 200 dollars be enough in advance, Mr Reardon?

Rigby Reardon:
200! I'd shoot my grandmother for it!

Juliet Forrest:
That wouldn't be neccessary.

Rigby Reardon:
Never can tell. In my last case I had to throw my own brother out of an airplane.

Rigby Reardon:
So? I'm interested, who am I?

Rigby Reardon:
I could, could I?

Rigby Reardon:
Hunchback of Notre-Dame?

Rigby Reardon:
Sorry, but my price for leaving stinking towns is 11,500 and a kiss on the lips from Carmen Miranda.

Juliet Forrest:
I could be your Heinamackafrau.

Rigby Reardon:
What's that? What is it?

Juliet Forrest:
Tell him what it means, Heinamackafrau.

Rigby Reardon:
Yeah.

Rigby Reardon:
Got it!

Rigby Reardon:
It's next to a tiny island called - son of a gun! Carlotta! It's not a woman's name, it's a place.

Rigby Reardon:
The people who brought you The Jerk, try and make it up to you.