Dear White People

Professor Bodkin:
...Might I also remind you that I read your entire fifteen-page unsolicited treatise on why the Gremlins is actually about suburban white fear of black culture.

Sam White:
The Gremlins are loud, talk in slang, are addicted to fried chicken and freak out when you get their hair wet.

Sam White:
[to Gabe] You're more Banksy than Barack.

Lionel Higgins:
Someone once told me that Winchester was like jazz. Now I don't know much about jazz, but from what I can tell, when your solo is up, you better blow.

Gabe:
[Gabe and Sam are locked in Sam's room arguing] I'm sorry if I can't be your Nubian Prince on my black horse ready to take you back to f***ing Zamunda.

Sam White:
That's not a real African country.

Gabe:
Can I at least get a little credit for a solid 'Coming to America' reference? This isn't you Sam.

Sam White:
No? And who am I?

Gabe:
You're this girl...

Sam White:
Perceptive...

Gabe:
Who likes to argue with me about *every f***ing thing.* And I hate it because we both know you're smarter than me. Your favorite director is Bergman. But you tell everyone it's Spike Lee. You love bebop but you've got a thing for Taylor Swift. And I know because my Mac picks up your Mac's library.

Sam White:
I was so careful...

Gabe:
You like to watch me when you think I'm sleeping and trace the outlines of my face. You're more Banksy than Barack. But you've been co-opted as some sort of revolutionary leader or something. But really, you're an anarchist. A sh*t-starter. A beautiful filmmaker. And beautiful in general.

Dean Fairbanks:
What sort of vision do you have for yourself?

Troy Fairbanks:
Get my degree. Then law school.

Dean Fairbanks:
And what's that got to do with partying with Kurt? With smoking weed and writing jokes? Okay, so what? Is it the spotlight Kurt gets? You want to be on... tv or something? You know how many Black men waste their lives to get on TV? Be rappers and ball players?

Troy Fairbanks:
Dad no. I want what we always talked about. Maybe have my own firm someday? Run for office. Make a difference. Wife. Kids. I want all that. I really, really do.

Dean Fairbanks:
And the drugs? God damn it Troy I taught you better than this. I have been in academia a long time, I've seen a lot of things. The men who really run this world? You got no idea what they see when they see you. You are not going to be what they all think you are. You will not give them that satisfaction, you hear me?

Troy Fairbanks:
Yes sir.

Sam White:
Dear white people, the minimum requirement of black friends needed to not seem racist has just been raised to two. Sorry, but your weed man, Tyrone, does not count.

Gabe:
So, Sam, how would you feel if someone started a "Dear Black People"?

Sam White:
No need. Mass media from Fox News to reality TV on VH1 makes it clear what white people think of us.

Sam White:
Dear white people, this just in: Dating a black person to piss off your parents is a form of racism.

Troy Fairbanks:
Do you seriously think you can win?

Sam White:
Troy, we live in a world where there's a Big Momma's House *3*. I don't think I have a chance in hell.

Sam White:
Dear white people, please stop touching my hair. Does this look like a petting zoo to you?

President Fletcher:
Racism is over in America. The only people who are thinking about it are, I dunno, Mexicans probably.

Mitch:
You wanna know why they used to call me "Black Mitch"?

Colandrea 'Coco' Conners:
Nobody called you that.

President Fletcher:
[Upon hearing Sam's radio show] Free speech my ass.

Dean Fairbanks:
Stalin quotes for $200, please?

President Fletcher:
Are you joking about this?

Dean Fairbanks:
Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to take "free speech my ass" as a legitimate suggestion?

Sofia Fletcher:
You said you loved me.

Troy Fairbanks:
...I like you a lot.

Dean Fairbanks:
Your show is racist.

Sam White:
Black people can't be racist. Prejudice, yes, but not racist. Racism describes a system of disadvantage based on race. Black people can't be racist since we don't stand to benefit from such a system.

Sam White:
You're trying to frighten me, but I think you're the one who's scared.

President Fletcher:
And I think you long for days when blacks were hanging from trees and denied actual rights that way you'd have something to actually fight against.

Gabe:
I'm trying to be here for you!

Sam White:
Can you be somewhere *else* for me?

Sam White:
So what do you want me to do? Go over and yell at them?

Lionel Higgins:
Have you heard you yelling?

Reggie:
My man, how come you never come to BSU?

Lionel Higgins:
I listen to Mumford and Sons and watch Robert Altman movies . Do you really think I'm black enough for the Union?

Smoothe:
Yo! I *love* Robert Altman! Motherf***er goes *in*!

Curls:
Do you think there's enough of us?

Sungmi:
Latinos United is meeting across the hall. Asian American League too.

Sungmi:
[everyone looks at her wondering why she joined BSU instead of Asian American League]... you guys got better snacks.

Curls:
We're not all homophobes, you know.

Smoothe:
Yeah, I'm listening to Frank Ocean *right now*! I don't give a f***!