Death Becomes Her

Madeline:
You're a walking lie Helen, and I can see right throught you.

Helen:
Oh, ok! Well, if she's not dead, you tell her to come down here, come right up to me and kiss me on the...

Madeline:
Kiss you on the what?

Helen:
Mad?

Madeline:
Hel...

Madeline:
Oh ok! Well if she's not dead, you tell her to come down here, come right up to me and kiss me on the...

Madeline:
Kiss you on the what?

Helen:
Mad?

Madeline:
Hel...

Helen:
We'll make it look like she's had just a little bit too much to drink...

Helen:
That was totally uncalled for.

Ernest Menville:
Ah! Wha-what are you doing?

Lisle Von Rhuman:
Im loving you.

Madeline Ashton:
I'm a girl!

Helen Sharp:
It's alive!

Helen Sharp:
And it's beautiful...

Madeline Ashton:
Well atleast lie quickly!

Dakota:
I'm trying!

Madeline Ashton:
Ernest,my ass! I can SEE my ASS!

Lisle Von Rhuman:
This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay.

Madeline Ashton:
Wrinkled, wrinkled little star... hope they never see the scars.

Psychologist:
You have got to forget about her! You have got to erase her from your mind. You have to completely eliminate any tra...

Helen Sharp:
What?

Psychologist:
You have to completely eliminate...

Helen Sharp:
You're right.

Psychologist:
What?

Helen Sharp:
You're absolutely right!

Rose:
Good morning, madam. You look absolutely marvelous.

Madeline Ashton:
Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you forgetting something?

Rose:
Well, it's only Thursday - you told me just to say it...

Madeline Ashton:
Well, never mind that. I think I need you to say it every morning.

Rose:
Very well. "Oh, madam! You look younger every day!"

Madeline Ashton:
Thank you, Rose. Thank you very much.

Madeline Ashton:
Are you listening to me? Do you even care? You stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks and laugh, and...

Lisle Von Rhoman:
Leave some room for my friend, for Chrissake. But... keep your ass handy.

Lisle Von Rhoman:
You are scared of yourself. Of the body you once knew.

Madeline Ashton:
I beg your pardon?

Lisle Von Rhoman:
I am the one who understands. I am the one who knows your secret.

Helen Sharp:
You're a powerful sexual being, Ernest.

Ernest Menville:
I am?

Helen Sharp:
Yes, you are. If I never told you before, it was because I wasn't the sort of girl who could say the word "sexual" without blushing. Well I can now. Sexual... sensual... sexy... sex... sex... sex...

Lisle Von Rhoman:
How old would you guess I am? C'mon, don't try to flatter me.

Madeline Ashton:
Thirty-eight?

Madeline Ashton:
TWENTY-eight... no, twenty-three...

Madeline Ashton:
Bottoms up!

Lisle Von Rhoman:
But first, a warning!

Madeline Ashton:
NOW a warning?

Emergency Room Doctor:
I tell you what, kids, it's, uh, odd thing here. Your wrist, uh, far as I can tell, is, uh, fractured in three places. Uh, and you've shattered, uh, two vertebrae, though I can't be certain without an X-ray... The bone protrusion through the skin - that's not a good sign. You're body temperature is below 80, and your, your, your heart's stopped beating.

Ernest Menville:
What the hell does that mean?

Emergency Room Doctor:
Exactly! What... what... I'm going to get a second opinion.

Madeline Ashton:
Well, it could be worse.

Ernest Menville:
Where did you put my wife?

Second Doctor:
She's dead, sir. They took her to the morgue.

Ernest Menville:
The morgue? She'll be FURIOUS!

Helen Sharp:
On guard, B*TCH!

Anna:
Mr.Chagall! I'm sorry,Mr.Chagall. I'm really, really sorry.

Chagall:
Anna, don't talk. Just go away.

Helen:
Look at me, Ernest! Just look at me! I'm soaking wet!

Helen:
Do you remember where you parked the car?

Madeleine:
Tell me, doctor. Do you think I'm starting to need you?

Lisle:
He won't get far. Not at his age.

Ernest:
Is this an angel I see before me?

Madeleine:
Oh, it's you.

Ernest:
Fine, dear, thank you, like a rock.

Ernest:
Is it up yet?

Madeleine:
You're dressed. Special occasion?

Madeleine:
Could you just not breathe?

Madeleine:
Look at you. You have a... waist.

Helen:
She married a brilliant surgeon, and turned him into an undertaker.

Helen:
I will not speak to you 'til you put your head on straight.

Dakota:
I'm completely alone.

Girl at Dakota's:
Dakota...

Dakota:
Actually... Completely isn't quite what I meant.

Lisle:
We are creatures of the spring, you and I.

Helen:
Madeleine! I need to speak to Madeleine!

Ernest:
She's not here.

Helen:
Oh, thank god.

Ernest:
You're sitting there, you're talking to me, but you're dead!

Helen:
Ernest, ask me to go. Ask me to leave this house immediately!

Ernest:
You just got here!

Lisle:
Drink that potion, and you'll never grow even one day older. Don't drink it, and continue to watch yourself rot.

Madeline Ashton:
Is check ok?

Lisle Von Rhuman:
That's fine.

Helen:
You have no talent for poverty.

Helen:
She was a homebreaker. She was a man-eater. And she was a *bad* actress.

Madeleine:
Do you know that they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans in prison, Ernest?

Ernest:
She's dead!

Madeleine:
She is? These are the moments that make life worth living.

Helen:
You can't raise an eyebrow without major surgery!

Madeleine:
You should learn not to compete with me. I always win!

Helen:
You may have always won, but you never played fair!

Madeleine:
Who cares how I played? I won!

Lisle:
You are like Don Quixote, tilting at Nature's windmills.

Ernest:
What are you doing?

Lisle:
I'm loving you.

Lisle:
Siempre Viva! Live Forever!

Ernest:
Then what?

Lisle:
What?

Ernest:
Then what happens?

Lisle:
What?

Ernest:
I don't want to live forever. I mean, it sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored?

Lisle:
What?

Ernest:
And what if I get lonely? Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeleine and Helen?

Lisle:
But you'll never grow old!

Ernest:
Yes, but everybody else will! I'll have to watch everyone around me die. I don't think this is right. This is not a dream. This is a nightmare!

Ernest:
Well, from now on, I'm going to be the kind of idiot I want to be!

Ernest Menville:
'Til death do us part! Well, you girls are dead. And I'm parting.

Lisle Von Rhoman:
I hope you don't mind that Dick and Harry had to dress you. You were inproperly attired, for the occasion.

Ernest Menville:
What occasion?

Lisle Von Rhoman:
I'm throwing a party upstairs. I throw one every Spring.

Ernest Menville:
Ok... Ok... What do you want with me?

Lisle Von Rhoman:
With you... I'd like to give a gift... A gift of life and youth, forever.

Lisle Von Rhoman:
Go on... Drink it... It is the completion of your life's work. You gave other people youth, and wasted your own! Drink. And you will be able to work again- forever! Drink... Drink, Dr. Menville... You owe yourself another chance! Drink! It's the right choice! The *only* choice! Drink! SEMPRE VIVE! LIVE FOREVER!

Anna:
How about a nice colagen buff instead?

Madeline Ashton:
A colagen buff? You might as well ask me to wash with soap and water!

Anna:
I could do your make-up myself

Madeline Ashton:
Make-up is pointless! It does nothing anymore. Are you even listening to me? Do you even care? You just stand there with your twenty-two year old skin and your tits like rocks and laugh at me.

Helen Sharp:
Oh, ok. If she's not dead you tell her to come down, you tell her to come down here and kiss me on the...

Madeline Ashton:
Kiss you on the what?

Helen Sharp:
Mad?

Madeline Ashton:
Hel...What have you two been plotting down here? Or should I say what else?

Psychiatrist:
Is this where we are Helen? Six months of therapy, you are not even one pound lighter, and we are still talking about Madeline Ashton.

Helen Sharp:
Do you think I enjoy talking about Madeline Ashton

Psychiatrist:
Do you think I enjoy it? Is that what you think? Well you'd better think again. (sighs) Oh Helen! For you to have a life ... for any of us to have a life ... You have got to forget about her. You have to erase her from your mind. You have to completely eliminate every...

Helen Sharp:
What...?

Psychiatrist:
You have to completely eliminate...

Helen Sharp:
You're right. you are absolutely right.

Ernest Menville:
[after the sample of potion restores his hand] Oh my god...

Lisle Von Rhoman:
[blushes] Thank you.

Lisle Von Rhoman:
Go on... Drink it... It is the completion of your life's work. You gave other people youth and wasted your own! Drink. And you will be able to work again forever! Drink... drink, Dr. Menville. You owe yourself another chance! Drink! It's the right choice! The only choice! Drink! SEMPRE VIVE! LIVE FOREVER!

Ernest Menville:
Then what?

Lisle Von Rhoman:
What?

Ernest Menville:
Then what happens?

Lisle Von Rhoman:
What?

Ernest Menville:
I don't want to live forever. I mean, it sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored?

Lisle Von Rhoman:
What?

Ernest Menville:
And what if I get lonely? Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeleine and Helen?

Lisle Von Rhoman:
But you'll never grow old!

Ernest Menville:
Yes, but everybody else will! I'll have to watch everyone around me die. I don't think this is right. This is not a dream. This is a nightmare!

Madeline Ashton:
Ernest is dead? Everybody's dead!

Madeline Ashton:
Oh, for Christ's sake. At least lie quickly!

Madeline Ashton:
Ernest, I'm in the morgue.

Madeline Ashton:
Ain't nobody can play dead like me, Ernest.

Madeline Ashton:
Ernest! You pushed me down the stairs.

Madeline Ashton:
And she even paid for the hardware. Don't you just love it?

Helen Sharp:
(while confronting Madeline Ashton) Listen, that was a long time ago, you didn't steal him, he went to you. It wasn't you, it was him. I just want you to know something that I have never ever blamed you, never.

Helen Sharp:
(while confronting Ernest Menville) No Ernest, she has wasted you, she married a brilliant surgeon and turned him into an undertaker. I want you to know something, I have never blamed you for leaving me. I always knew it was her. She is a woman, Ernest, a woman, from Newark, for God's sake. I will never forgive her for what she has done to you. Never.

Helen Sharp:
Divorce? In California? That is exactly what she wants you to do. You have no talent for poverty.

Ernest:
[after the sample of potion restores his hand] Oh my god...

Lisle:
[blushes] Thank you.