Death Race 2000

Joe:
You know Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato.

Harold:
As the cars roar into Pennsylvania, the cradle of liberty, it seems apparent that our citizens are staying off the streets, which may make scoring particularly difficult, even with this year's rule changes. To recap those revisions: women are still worth 10 points more than men in all age brackets, but teenagers now rack up 40 points, and toddlers under 12 now rate a big 70 points. The big score: anyone, any sex, over 75 years old has been upped to 100 points.

Matilda the Hun:
Whoever named your car the Bull... was only half right!

Matilda the Hun:
Well, what does she expect? You leave your navigator lying around, naturally somebody is going to run over him.

Cleopatra:
It isn't my fault everyone scored before us. You should have gone after that boy scout camp like I told you!

Nero the Hero:
I tried the goddamn boy scout camp. You know how fast those boy scouts move?

Cleopatra:
Now here's something more your speed.

Nero the Hero:
That'll be at least 200 points!

Cleopatra:
If they scatter, go for the baby and the mother.

Junior:
Frankenstein! Frankenstein the legend, Frankenstein the indestructible! Sole survivor of the titanic pile-up of '95, only two-time winner of the Transcontinental Road Race... Frankenstein! Ripped up, wiped out, battered, shattered, creamed, and reamed... a dancer on the brink of death... Frankenstein, who lost a leg in '98, an arm in '99! With half a face and half a chest, and all the guts in the world, he's back!

Junior:
Here he comes: Machine Gun Joe! Loved by thousands, hated by millions!

Mr. President:
I have made the United Provinces of America the greatest power in the known universe.

Grace Pander:
She was a great, dear friend of mine and I shall remember her forever howling down that freeway in the sky, knocking over... the angels.

Junior:
Well America, there you have it, Frankenstein has just been attacked by the French Air Force and he's whipped their derrieres!

Harold:
Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a one hundred percent red-blooded American sense of humor.

Frankenstein:
You want to make love to me because I drive the Monster and wear this costume.

Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo:
I got two words to say to that... BULL- SH*T!

Ray "Nero the Hero" Ladagon:
You're blocking me Cleopatra! My fans want to see me.

Cleopatra:
Why, they've never seen a has-been before?

Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo:
You know, it used to be in the old days we would just take someone like you in a alley and blow their brains out.

Annie Paine:
Come on Joe, all's fair in love and war.

Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo:
I'm glad you said that Annie, because what we got going here ain't exactly love.

Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo:
Save it for the French.

Calamity Jane:
Hi ya Herman. I hope your buzz-bomb has a little more juice in its nuclear war head this year.

Deacon:
O great American multitude and sports fans everywhere. Today, we inaugurate the 20th Annual Trans-Continental Road Race. Today, the five bravest young men and women in this greatest of nations will risk their lives in the greatest sporting event since the days of Spartacus! Three days hence, a new American champion will be crowned for all the world to behold, in awe, in respect, in fear!

Junior Bruce:
Zany Janey, winner of this year's trials at Watkins Glen, placed second in 1998 and led in last year's second lap until she went out with gear trouble. Her fans and lovers everywhere wish Janey better luck this year.

Mr. President:
My children, whom I love so dearly, it has been my duty in the long and difficult years since the World Crash of '79 to serve you as best I could. Never before in history have masses forgone all comfort, so that the spirit of genius might thrive and seek the golden key to a new time of plenty in the fertile field of minority privilege. And now, my children, the drivers are ready. The world is waiting. Once more, I give you what you want.