Demetri Martin. Person.

Demetri Martin:
[showing an empty circle] This is a pie chart about procrastination.

Demetri Martin:
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

Demetri Martin:
[showing a line graph] This is very autobiographical. This is the cuteness of a girl versus how interested I am in hearing about how intuitive her cat is. You see, the cuter the girl is, the more I'm willing to hear about the cat. "Oh really?" "Yeah, he's very intuitive." But you'll notice, at a certain point, I don't care how cute you are. I don't wanna hear about your f***ing cat anymore. I hate your cat. When you leave the room, I try to get it.

Demetri Martin:
There's a saying that goes "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." Okay. How about "Nobody should throw stones." That's crappy behavior. My policy is: "No stone throwing regardless of housing situation." Don't do it. There is one exception though. If you're trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone, then throw it. What are you, an idiot? So maybe it's "Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped in the house with a stone." It's a little longer, but yeah.

Demetri Martin:
I like staying at hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name. So just like a room number, you know? "Hey, could I get a pen? I just wanna... My friend's in 710, thanks. [writing] Leprecaun's gonna f*** you up at midnight." "Honey, what the hell is this? Did you anger a small Irishman?"

Demetri Martin:
Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of sh*t, I'm going half-empty. I don't like sh*t as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty sh*t glass right here."

Demetri Martin:
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

Demetri Martin:
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

Demetri Martin:
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

Demetri Martin:
If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.

Demetri Martin:
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."

Demetri Martin:
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol". I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself". It's more honest.

Demetri Martin:
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

Demetri Martin:
I learned something while on the road. State Shapes: The easier it is draw, the harder it is to live in them. So if you live in a regular polygon, then get the hell out! You gotta move to a squiggly area. [caption reads "Sorry, Wyoming."] Culture is attracted to squiggles.

Demetri Martin:
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, "Futon World." Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

Demetri Martin:
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What are those?" "Those are orange... oranges." "And what are those?" "Ah, sh*t. Tall pointies? Are we going by shapes now?"

Demetri Martin:
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, "Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money."

Demetri Martin:
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said "Guess".

Demetri Martin:
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. "Hey, man, what are you playing?" "Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!"

Demetri Martin:
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, "Does he bite?" and she said, "No." And I said, "So how does he eat?" Liar!

Demetri Martin:
I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

Demetri Martin:
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."