Demetri Martin: Live (At the Time)

Demetri Martin:
All right, I got a lot of jokes, so I'm just gonna start tellin' 'em. Here we go.

Demetri Martin:
Pets are animals that are not delicious.

Demetri Martin:
I can't believe we eat birds. How did that start? Someone said, "You see that, flyin' up there? I wanna put that in my mouth."

Demetri Martin:
It seems like there's a fine line between having a pet and having a hostage from a different species. You go to somebody's house, they're like, "Close the door. He'll get out. CLOSE THE DOOR! HE'LL GET OUT!" Okay. What kind of relationship do you have with this dog, exactly?

Demetri Martin:
I have an L-shaped sofa - lower case.

Demetri Martin:
There aren't that many black magicians, probably because of racism. If a black guy makes something disappear, they're like, "Hey, get 'im!" "Hey, it's magic." "No, you're black."

Demetri Martin:
If you ask somebody how they're doing, sometimes they'll say "A-okay." It's like they're giving you the beginning of a weird multiple choice answer or something.

Demetri Martin:
What the hell is prune JUICE? How hard are we squeezin' these prunes?

Demetri Martin:
Prunes are pushy. I mean, that's their nature.

Demetri Martin:
I like that at a lot of crosswalks they have a countdown. It's like they tell you exactly when it will be funny to push your friend into traffic.

Demetri Martin:
One little cheese girl for me. That'd be great.

Demetri Martin:
Whoever named this was not using the attic of their mouth at all.

Demetri Martin:
I love applause for head architecture. That... This is a good crowd.

Demetri Martin:
When I was in high school, I took karate. One time I lost my temper in class, and that's when I learned there was a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Demetri Martin:
You know, fictional people can be so moody it's ridiculous.

Demetri Martin:
Jokes that end in death don't usually end happy. Kind of like life. [gives an embarrassed laugh] I might just stick to the prepared material for the rest of the set. I thought... I thought I could freestyle a little bit, but the insides came out a little too much there.

Demetri Martin:
Are sheep pubes also wool?

Demetri Martin:
People say "shotgun" when they want the front seat. You should say "shotgun" when you're eating rice and you have to sneeze.

Demetri Martin:
I've heard people talk about their private parts. I'd like to hear someone talk about their... public parts. "You okay?" "Yeah, yeah. I just hurt my publics on that door. I'm fine."

Demetri Martin:
If I see a scary movie and then I come home and there's a noise in my house, it sounds scary. I've seen a lot of funny movies. I wish it would work the same way.

Demetri Martin:
Food is tricky, like milk: It starts out good, then it becomes bad, then it becomes disgusting, then it becomes dangerous, then it becomes cheese. Way to turn it around, milk!

Demetri Martin:
This vomit-sh*t smell might turn into the thing I want to melt over everything I eat, so just wait.

Demetri Martin:
I find that athletic clothes are perfect for just sitting around in.

Demetri Martin:
When I was in high school, I couldn't decide whether I wanted to be on the debate team or not, and that was frustrating

Demetri Martin:
People only mention that it's a free country when they're doing something shitty.

Demetri Martin:
I think it's cool that flash mobs came and went so quickly as a phenomenon.

Demetri Martin:
I find that it's a lot less creepy to ask a woman to dance WITH you than FOR you.

Demetri Martin:
Stuffed animals are cute - unless they once lived.

Demetri Martin:
One restaurant that doesn't deliver but should... is a food truck.

Demetri Martin:
Taste buds sound like they get along really well with each other.

Demetri Martin:
Sometimes instead of saying "for example," I'll say something such as "such as," for example.

Demetri Martin:
I go to the gym religiously - about twice a year around the holidays.