Dick

Bob Halderman:
I have met yams with more going on upstairs than these two.

Arlene Lorenzo:
War is not healthy for children and other living things.

Dick:
Checkers--shut up. Or I'll feed you to the Chinese.

Betsy Jobs:
You kicked Checkers, you're prejudiced and you have a potty mouth.

Dick:
I've got a way with young people. They trust me.

Mrs. Spinnler:
Every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell.

Arlene Lorenzo:
We have a very important school report on turquoise jewelry due in two days, and we can't find any books on it, and the President's having us followed. It's too much pressure.

Arlene Lorenzo:
How dare those people keep treating us like stupid teenage girls.

Betsy Jobs:
We are stupid teenage girls.

Arlene Lorenzo:
How dare those people treat us like we're stupid teenage girls.

Betsy Jobs:
We are stupid teenage girls.

Arlene Lorenzo:
No. We're human beings, and we're American citizens. And four score and seven years ago our forefathers... did something.

Betsy Jobs:
Checkers pooped.

Rose Mary Woods:
Girls, the President's dog doesn't "poop." He "does his business."

Betsy Jobs:
It's called incest Arlene, and it's against the law

Betsy Jobs:
You're the smartest person I know.

Arlene Lorenzo:
But you don't know anybody...

Henry Kissinger:
Excuse me, Mr. President. I was not informed that you were in the middle of... what the hell ARE you in the middle of?

Henry Kissinger:
It's alright, gentlemen. I'm familiar with these two young ladies. Well, not "familiar", familiar, obviously.

Henry Kissinger:
I'll take responsibility here. I'll be the only person in this administration who's willing to take responsibility for anything.

[A current affairs program opens the movie]

Interviewer:
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon was forced to resign in shame following the 'Watergate' Scandal. One of the great mysteries of this event was the identity of 'Deep Throat', the person who broke the story to Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. Well tonight, we're going to find out. Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, good evening.

Bob Woodward:
Good evening.

Carl Bernstein:
Good evening.

Interviewer:
Let's get straight to it - who is... 'Deep Throat'?

Bob Woodward:
Well, first of all, we're not telling you. And second of all, I thought I was going to be the only guest on tonight's show?

Carl Bernstein:
[Bitchy] Well I guess you're not, Bob.

Interviewer:
You know, you guys are getting pretty old now...

Carl Bernstein:
Well, what do you mean by that?!

Interviewer:
Well, I was just wondering if you were ever going to reveal who Deep Throat is ever, before you die.

Bob Woodward:
Well, a lot bigger names than you have asked us that, so I don't think we're going to reveal it here.

Carl Bernstein:
No, not on a little show like this.

Interviewer:
[Exasperated] You know what I think? I mean, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I don't think there ever was any such person as 'Deep Throat'. I think y'all just made it up.

Carl Bernstein:
Yes there was! Deep Throat was -

Bob Woodward:
Don't say it!! He's trying to trick us!

[Bernstein covers his mouth and moans]

Carl Bernstein:
[Putting a hand on Woodward's shoulder] I'm sorry...

Bob Woodward:
[Slapping the hand away] Don't ever touch me.

Carl Bernstein:
Bob, I said I'm sorry!

[They begin to have a childish physical fight]

Bob Woodward:
Don't... will you... you smell like cabbage!

[They fall over the table; the clip cuts out and the movie opens]

[Arlene and Betsy accidentally meet G. Gordon Liddy again in the White House]

G. Gordon Liddy:
Young lady, I am a very busy man...

Betsy:
Hey, you look familiar. Have I seen you before?

[Liddy recognises them; his eyes widen]

Betsy:
Are you that guy that sells corn dogs at the mall?

G. Gordon Liddy:
As far as you are concerned, young lady, I have no identity. In fact, [sinister] I'm not even here...

[He hurries off]

Betsy:
He's way weirder than corndog guy.

[When Nixon offers the girls the post of 'White House Dog Walkers]

John Ehrlichman:
What's going on? Who are these girls?

Henry Kissinger:
I dunno. But it doesn't look constitutional to me.

[To Arlene and Betsy]

Rose Mary Woods:
The President is a very busy man. He doesn't just see anyone, you know.

President Nixon:
[Exiting the Oval Office, seeing the girls] Ah, hello girls! Come on in.

Rose Mary Woods:
The President will see you now.

Betsy Jobs:
Are you, like, the President's Dog Walker?

John Dean:
I'm John Dean. Chief White House Counsel.

Betsy Jobs:
Oh, That's too bad.

Betsy Jobs:
[Shouting, to Arlene] You can't let Dick control your life!

Arlene Lorenzo:
I love Dick!

Arlene Lorenzo:
[Being followed by the President's 'plumbers'] Dick frightens me.

Arlene Lorenzo:
[After seeing Nixon's "I am not a crook" speech immediately after a threatening call] He's trying to drive me insane!

President Richard M. Nixon ('Dick'):
You don't mess with the big boys!!

Carl Bernstein:
What about that list from CREEP? How could you let your dog eat it?! [Hysterical] You're ruining my life!!!

Carl Bernstein:
Dick is going down, man!

Bob Haldeman:
You wanna complain about Vietnam? Talk to Johnson!

G. Gordon Liddy:
[Surprised by Betsy and Arlene in the Watergate stairwell] Children! Running around, all hours of the night! When you kids grow up, you'll be living in the Soviet Union of America!

Chip:
[After sticking himself with an election pin] Figures that the pain in my ass is Nixon, the fascist.

Betsy Jobs:
Isn't it against the law to cut up the flag?

Arlene Lorenzo:
Not if you sew it back together.

President Richard M. Nixon ('Dick'):
Checkers - shut up! Or I'll feed you to the Chinese!