Do Over

Joel:
I'm really 34 years old!

Pat:
Ok Dorothy, I believe you...

[Joel is trying to explain to Pat that he is from the future]

Pat:
[to dog] Willie! Quick! Joels brain is trapped in a well, go for help!

Bill:
What's that smell?

Cheryl:
It's...perfume, Daddy.

Joel:
It's...bongwater, Daddy.

Joel Larsen:
You know, Mom, you have got so many great inventions. You should just pick one of them and start a company!

Karen Larsen:
You think so?

Joel Larsen:
Yeah, just believe in yourself! And don't let anybody tell you differently. All you have to do is to live by three simple words I invented: "Just do it."

Karen Larsen:
"Just do it"? That's good.

Joel Larsen:
Yeah, ain't it?

Joel:
[voice over] When we catch up to the future, I'm gonna have some explaining to do.

Isabelle Meyers:
"I do declare, Joel Larsen, you really are the most ill-bred man to come here at a time like this."

Pat Brody:
Who are you, Rosalynn Carter?

Isabelle Meyers:
No, the school's putting on "Gone with the Wind", and I've decided to play Scarlett.

Joel Larsen:
Wait! Did you audition?

Isabelle Meyers:
Not yet, but that's just a formality. I'm sure I'll get it.

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle, listen to me. Do not try out for that play.

Isabelle Meyers:
You don't understand. I have to. I have all A's, I'm in almost every club, I need something artistic to run at my transcript if I wanna be valid victorian.

Pat Brody:
But you've never acted before!

Isabelle Meyers:
I act like I like you.

Pat Brody:
So, does she get the part?

Joel Larsen:
Oh, no! The audition turned out to be the most embarrassing moment of Isabelle's life!

Pat Brody:
Hit me with some future talk!

Joel Larsen:
She went in, dressed as Scarlett O'Hara. She... she was so nervous that...

Pat Brody:
Isabelle? Nervous?

Joel Larsen:
She got total stage fright! Right in the middle of "I'll never go hungry again", she... she stumbled over the dress and her boob popped out.

Pat Brody:
No...!

Joel Larsen:
It gets worse. There was a kid there from the AV department that caught the whole thing on tape...

Pat Brody:
No...!

Joel Larsen:
...and made copies and showed it to the entire school! From that on she wasn't known for being the president of the honor society or being the school's valid victorian, she was only remembered as 'Isaboob'. [we see pictures of the graduation ceremony, where Isabelle comes on stage]

Student:
[off screen] Way to go, 'Isaboob'! [back in the school, Pat laughs at the story]

Pat Brody:
That's so classic! [Joel looks at him] That's so mean!

Joel Larsen:
Pat...!

Pat Brody:
Yes! Yes, I know the drill, we gotta stop this thing from happening.

Karen Larsen:
I took chili, mixed it with spaghetti... And got chilghetti!

Isabelle Meyers:
Don't be such a boob, Pat! [Pat spits his drink out] What?

Pat Brody:
Nothing. [Isabelle walks out] This future knowledge is really fun sometimes.

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle, are you ready yet?

Isabelle Meyers:
I'm trying to get into character. I don't even know why I let you talk me into rehearsing with you.

Joel Larsen:
So you won't get nervous.

Isabelle Meyers:
Has anyone ever seen me nervous?

Pat Brody:
We're gonna see a lot more than that.

Pat Brody:
We're just trying to help you.

Isabelle Meyers:
That's very sweet, but I don't need help. I'm the one who helps you guys, remember? Now, you boys go play. I'm an actress.

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle, trust me. You're not. It's going to be a disaster.

Isabelle Meyers:
Guys, I'm not like you. I'm good at everything.

Pat Brody:
Either, she's gone with the wind, or she's way out of control. I can't imagine what she's like in the future.

Joel Larsen:
Actually, freezing up at that audition brought her down a peg... You know what? We're gonna let her go through with this.

Pat Brody:
Joel, no... We can't!

Joel Larsen:
No, no, listen, she needs the humility without the humiliation. We won't stop the audition, we'll just take the booby tape away from the dorky AV guy!

Pat Brody:
That's great! Then we'll watch it to make sure we've got the right one!

[Joel gives him the look]

Pat Brody:
Come on, can't you be fifteen for just a second?

Bill Larsen:
I believed in you when I married you, and I believe in you now. [he kiss Karen]

Joel Larsen:
Where are you people getting all that crap?

Joel Larsen:
Hand it over, kid.

Nathanial:
Don't let the glasses fool you. I know karate.

Pat Brody:
Yeah, right. Having a Bruce Lee poster on your wall doesn't mean you know karate. [Nathaniel throws the tape in the air, uses a couple of karate moves on Pat, who falls over, and catch the tape again]

Nathanial:
When you work AV, you gotta be able to protect yourself. Say to your friends they don't mess with Nathaniel Ruman!

Joel Larsen:
All right... Nathaniel Ruman, four times national karate champion! I must've forgot. I'm sorry, Pat.

Pat Brody:
[still lying down] Isaboob is not gonna be happy.

Isabelle Meyers:
The audition was awful. I was awful. I was awful to you. I just got so nervous, so I took it out on you guys. I am so sorry.

Joel Larsen:
Hey, if you can't take it out on your friends, who can you take it out on?

Isabelle Meyers:
There's something else. I tripped, and my boob popped out, and a wimpy AV kid has it all on tape.

Pat Brody:
Wimpy? Don't let the glasses fool you!

Isabelle Meyers:
I'll bet you anything that it will go all around school and I'll end up with some horrible nickname, like... Boobabelle.

Pat Brody:
[laughs] That's funny too.

Isabelle Meyers:
Oh no...

Joel Larsen:
[pulls out the tape] Wouldn't worry about any nicknames.

Isabelle Meyers:
[excited] You guys got the tape? Oh, my god, you guys are the best friends in the world. [hugs them]

Pat Brody:
Ah, neck!

Isabelle Meyers:
I'm going to chem lab to burn this. [turns, but then turns back again] I was so wrong. I do need your help.

Pat Brody:
Do you realize you're thirty-four and being sent to bed?

Joel Larsen:
No, Pat, that never occurred to me. You must be some kind of super-genius!

Isabelle Meyers:
Did you guys see Eric Heiden win his fifth gold medal last night?

Pat Brody:
I did. Joel had to go night night.

Isabelle Meyers:
[to Joel] You have a bedtime?

Isabelle Meyers:
You're not supposed to sign your mom's name.

Pat Brody:
She knows I do it. I sign it better than she does.

Isabelle Meyers:
That's weird.

Joel Larsen:
Says the girl from the Olympic cookie family.

[Bill rips apart the forms. Joel has a flashback to more recent time, while he is with his therapist]

Therapist:
If you could go back in time as a rational adult - what would you tell your father? [back in 1980]

Joel Larsen:
THIS IS TOTALLY LAME! AND YOU'RE STUPID! [tramps out of the room]

Bill Larsen:
You have something you want to say to me?

Joel Larsen:
Yes. I'm sorry. [pauses] I'm sorry you're such a tyrant.

Isabelle Meyers:
Why can't you just get along? We never argue in my family.

Joel Larsen:
That's because your family immigrated from Candyland.

Bill Larsen:
Now, since you're an adult, that means you're gonna live on your own. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Joel:
[voice over] Do not back down.

Joel Larsen:
If that's the way you want it, I'll be out in 20 minutes!

Bill Larsen:
I'll go help you pack!

Joel Larsen:
FINE BY ME!

Joel Larsen:
It's like you live by yourself! Man, I've never realized it, but you have a life.

Pat Brody:
[unenthusiastic] Yeah.

Joel Larsen:
My dad expects me to come home my the tail between my legs. But I don't think so! It's like I escaped from prison and landed out here, in paradise. A prison that wishes to say a word... FREEDOM! [Pat looks at him] It's from Braveheart. In 20 years you'll say it everytime you put your top down on your Porsche.

Pat Brody:
I HATE my older self.

Cheryl Larsen:
Joel, Mom and Dad are driving me crazy. You have to come home.

Joel Larsen:
Hm. So you miss me?

Cheryl Larsen:
I didn't say that.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, well, you better, if you want me to come home.

Cheryl Larsen:
Forget it!

Joel Larsen:
Let me guess... Without me there, all eyes are on you.

Cheryl Larsen:
That's not so bad.

Joel Larsen:
Every move you make, they'll be watching you with full, undivided attention. There is no place to hide! But that's okay, 'cause you're a... good... girl.

Cheryl Larsen:
Okay, okay, you win. I miss you.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, that's really sweet... But I'm still not coming home.

Pat Brody:
I could have sworn I paid that bill.

Joel Larsen:
Doesn't your mom take care of that stuff?

Pat Brody:
Yeah.

Joel Larsen:
Pat?

Pat Brody:
God, Joel, wake up. You think I got it made, but I don't. I-I pay the bills, I bounce the checkbook, make sure there's food in the refrigerator... I keep this house going!

Joel Larsen:
I... I didn't know that.

Pat Brody:
'Cause I've always hidden it from you, stupid! And now, here you are, complaining about Bill. But when are you going to realize that you're the one who has it all made? Not me! You have somebody who looks after you.

Joel Larsen:
You-you have your mom...

Pat Brody:
And I love her, but... let's face it. She sucks at being a parent. For god's sake, I've got purple hair, and she doesn't even say anything about it!

Joel Larsen:
But she's letting you doing your own thing...

Pat Brody:
You don't get it, do you? It's nice to have someone that bosses you around once in a while. It shows that they care! For being thirty-four years old, you don't know anything. I'll be at your house.

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle, what are you doing here?

Isabelle Meyers:
You were right, things are too cheery at my house. My dad played the Olympic theme on the trumpet, and I had to get out of there.

Bill Larsen:
I'm taking the whole family out!

Karen Larsen:
Oh! I'll go get my jacket.

Pat Brody:
Uh, I better be getting home.

Bill Larsen:
Woah, woah, woah. Where the hell do you think you're going? I said the WHOLE family.

Joel Larsen:
Next thing I knew, we were going out against my will. She just kept putting notes in my locker and told everyone we were a couple. If her family hadn't moved to Texas, we probably would've been married by now.

Pat Brody:
And I just let it happen? I apologize for being the bad friend I haven't been yet.

Joel Larsen:
Hey! Just because we're not here, doesn't mean you and Dad can't get dressed up.

Karen Larsen:
Well, that could be fun.

Bill Larsen:
Now look what you did!

Joel Larsen:
Come on, Dad, it's Halloween!

Karen Larsen:
Yeah, Bill, what do you say?

Bill Larsen:
Okay, terrific. I'm gonna go as a guy who just got home from work and can't wait to read the paper. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm getting into my costume.

[Joel comes down down the stairs and dances a Ghostbusters dance]

Joel Larsen:
Who are you gonna call?

Bill Larsen:
I don't get it. What are you?

Joel Larsen:
[offended] I'm a Ghostbuster!

Pat Brody:
What's a Ghostbuster?

Joel:
[voice over] Apparently a movie that hasn't come out yet.

Joel Larsen:
I can't believe I blew my first kiss. Again!

Pat Brody:
Isabelle's a friend. She doesn't count.

[Joel and Isabelle dances, without Joel paying attention]

Isabelle Meyers:
Can you please stop stepping at my feet and concentrate?

Joel Larsen:
[finally looking at her] Oh, you want me to concentrate? Okay.

[Joel puts his hands around Isabelle and starts to dance for real]

Joel:
[voice over] And I thought those swing dancing lessons never come in handy. When we start line dancing, I'll be ready for that too.

[keeps dancing, impressing the other party guests]

Isabelle Meyers:
Wow, where did that come from?

Joel Larsen:
The heart, baby.

Isabelle Meyers:
You're full of surprises.

Cheryl Larsen:
Who are you and where did you learn to dance like that?

Joel Larsen:
I'm Joel Larsen and I'm just light in my feet!

Joel Larsen:
[gives Isabelle a cookie] Here. Happy two hour anniversary.

Isabelle Meyers:
You know, I think we made a great pretend couple.

Joel Larsen:
So do I. You're the best fake girlfriend I've ever had.

Isabelle Meyers:
[smiling] Thanks. I have to admit, when you made me your girlfriend just so you could avoid Bonnie, I was a little ticked off. But, I've actually had really...

Joel Larsen:
[not paying attention] Wait, hold that thought.

Isabelle Meyers:
What?

Joel Larsen:
Holly. Fighting with her boyfriend.

Isabelle Meyers:
So?

Joel Larsen:
So, it's the perfect time for me to make my move.

Isabelle Meyers:
[suddenly angry] Wait a minute, you're blowing me off?

Joel Larsen:
That's good! Argue with me, so she thinks we're breaking up too. We'll be vulnerable, we can comfort each other...

Isabelle Meyers:
[now furious] Unbelievable! I told the fauns that I had a boyfriend, and now you're dumping me?

Joel Larsen:
Perfect! I think we got her attention now. Do something else. [Isabelle, who unlike Joel is not acting, throws her drink in his face]

Joel Larsen:
[ecstatic] Wow, you are good!

Holly Kent:
What happened to you?

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle and I broke up. It got ugly.

Holly Kent:
My boyfriend and I just broke up too.

Joel Larsen:
You're kidding! What a rotten coincidence!

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle, wait! Isabelle, come on.

Isabelle Meyers:
Where is Holly?

Joel Larsen:
Nah, she was just using me to make her boyfriend jealous.

Isabelle Meyers:
[sarcastically] Shocker...

Joel Larsen:
I'm sorry I screwed up your night. I don't know when I'm going to grow up. I avoid a girl who likes me only to chase after a girl who's using me, and all the while hurting the girl that means the most to me. I've been a real jerk.

Isabelle Meyers:
No, you're just a dumb boy. That excuse is only gonna last you so long.

Joel Larsen:
But it works this time! [pauses] Right?

Isabelle Meyers:
[hesitates, then smiles] Yes. [punches him friendly on his chest]

[last lines]

Isabelle Meyers:
Do you think we're gonna grow up, meet new people and drift apart?

Joel Larsen:
Nah. We're still friends.

Isabelle Meyers:
How can you be so sure?

Joel Larsen:
[theatrical] Are you forgetting? I'm Future Man!

[Isabelle laughs. Bill screams in the background, and they both laugh]

Abby Suffin:
Hi, are either one of you Joel Larsen?

Pat Brody:
I'm Joel Larsen.

Joel Larsen:
[steps in front of Pat] Actually... I'm Joel Larsen.

Abby Suffin:
Hi! I'm Abby Suffin, your tutor. You can just call me Abby.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, and you could just call me Joel Larsen.

Isabelle Meyers:
Her top doesn't even match her skirt.

Pat Brody:
That's it! I gotta start failing biology.

Abby Suffin:
Alright. Well, I'll see you Thursday.

Joel Larsen:
Thursday? Uh, what about Wednesday? I mean, I wanna roll here.

Abby Suffin:
I'm sorry, I'm going to a concert. I'm gonna see James Brown.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, I love James Brown.

Abby Suffin:
You do?

Joel Larsen:
Yeah! The Godfather of Soul. Soul brother number one. Hardest working man in show business.

Joel:
[voice over]... and in 1989, inmate number 384215.

Pat Brody:
But you know who I lost my virginity to...! Who is it?

Joel Larsen:
You're always telling me you don't wanna know about your future.

Pat Brody:
I know, but this is about sex.

Joel Larsen:
Okay, I'll give you a hint. It's someone you see every day. [Pat starts to see flashes of girls he sees every day. The one he lands on is Isabelle]

Pat Brody:
[to Isabelle] Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get you a brownie. It's sweet and it's nutty, like you.

Pat Brody:
Alright, Millie wouldn't give me a brownie, but I got you a fruitie jello cup. It's like you - it's colorful, and... it's got grapes in it.

Isabelle Meyers:
Okay, Fruitcup, keep this up and I will kick your ass.

Joel Larsen:
Let's just say I'm holding out, 'til I find someone who completes me. [Abby looks impressed]

Joel:
[voice over] Thank you, Jerry Maguire.

Joel Larsen:
She just asked me out, right?

Isabelle Meyers:
Yeah, she did.

Pat Brody:
That's awesome!

Isabelle Meyers:
This is a bad idea.

Pat Brody:
Oh, horrible. Terrible idea.

Abby Suffin:
Brett can be a pain in the ass. But despite all his faults, I just feel better when he's around. It's like that thing you said to me. He completes me.

Joel:
[voice over] Damn you, Jerry Maguire!

Joel Larsen:
Brett, I need to talk to you.

Brett:
Joel?

Joel Larsen:
I know what you're doing, man, and it sucks.

Brett:
Excuse me?

Joel Larsen:
I'm talking about Abby. You're just dreaming along to see if there's something better for you out there. That it's just gonna give you all the time in the world, but trust me, you are making a huge mistake.

Brett:
Okay, kid, you're nice, and Abby really likes you. But you don't know what you're talking about.

Joel Larsen:
No, no, I know exactly what I'm talking about. You see, I used to be you! And I wish that someone would have told me while I was looking around for someone better, I was already with someone better. Look, you don't wanna end up alone, like I did. Go tell her you love her, stop being such a wimp, do it now, before it's too late! Go, now! Brett, do this! [unknowingly taking over as security guard for Brett. A kid shows his identification to him] That's the worst ID I've ever seen. Get out of here!

Pat Brody:
No, thanks, I already have a girlfriend.

Joel Larsen:
Okay, as hot as Gigi is, you do know she's imaginary?

Pat Brody:
Not Gigi. I'm talking about Isabelle.

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle...? Does she know this?

Pat Brody:
No, but you did tell me I lost my virginity to her.

Joel Larsen:
[laughs] No, I didn't! I said, you lose it to someone you see every day. [Pat sees a new flash, but this time he walks past Isabelle and ends up on the cleaning lady]

Malena:
Good bye, Mr. Pat.

Joel Larsen:
[in reality] Hello, Malena!

[last lines]

Joel Larsen:
How did you know I was here?

Isabelle Meyers:
Pat told me. He told me everything about tonight. Look, I know you really liked her, and I'm sorry you got hurt, but I just think for now on you should be inherited for a while.

Joel Larsen:
Yeah, maybe you're right.

Isabelle Meyers:
Joel, you're a really great guy. And I know you're gonna meet a nice girl someday.

Joel Larsen:
Thanks.

Isabelle Meyers:
[pauses] So, Pat told me he broke up with Gigi.

Joel Larsen:
Yeah, they couldn't really make their long distance work out.

Isabelle Meyers:
She's not real, is she?

Joel Larsen:
I'm not allowed to say. [Isabelle laughs. As the picture fades, we see them talk and joke with each other]

Joel:
[voice over] If I had a dollar for every time my parents argued about money... well, they wouldn't be arguing about money.

Joel Larsen:
Dad, I don't think the type writers are gonna be the future. Personal computers are getting very popular.

Bill Larsen:
Ah, computers are a fad!

Isabelle Meyers:
When is the school gonna get an A.P. Physics class?

Joel Larsen:
As soon as they find a second student who wants one!

Mr. Jenkins:
Great work! I haven't even given you the list of leaves yet, and already you've opened three major accounts. How did you to know to call them?

Joel Larsen:
Well, I've been sent from the future to sell paper.

[Joel and Pat are doing a Blues Brothers dance, but Joel's dance is rather unenthusiastic. He quickly stops]

Joel Larsen:
I-I don't know, there's so much people around, and...

Isabelle Meyers:
...and it looks like you're having a spasm attack.

Karen Larsen:
[to Bill] Tough day at the office?

Joel Larsen:
Oh, you do not know the half of it! The phone never stopped ringing. [Bill and Karen looks curiously at him when he taps some scotch into a glass. He is about to drink it]

Bill Larsen:
What do you think you're doing?

Joel Larsen:
Oh...! Um... You could probably use this, huh, Dad?

Joel Larsen:
No, no, you're not getting it! I'm totally stressed out! I'm cutting class, I'm not seeing my friends... and worst of all, I'm starting to lose my hair! I mean, look at this... this isn't supposed to happen until I'm twenty-four! I shouldn't be worrying about sales quarters or expense reports. I'm just a kid! Mr. Jenkins... I quit. God, that felt great. I hate this job, I've always hated this job! There's got to be something better for me out there.

Joel Larsen:
Not a lot of people at thirty-four can say that they've had the same best friend since the first grade. You... you've always stood by me. Even when I grew that I grew that ponytail. So of all people, what was I thinking, letting you down? And more importantly, what was I thinking missing the Blues Brothers? I'm sorry, Pat.

Pat Brody:
I just have one question for you: "What kind of biscuit bounces off your stomach and don't come back?"

Joel Larsen:
"Well, Jake... I think that'd be a..."

Joel Larsen, Pat Brody:
"R-r-r-r-rubber biscuit!" [does the Blues Brothers dance]

Bill Larsen:
Hey, here's Joel!

Cheryl Larsen:
Have a seat, Spanky.

Joel:
[voice over] Another fifteenth birthday at the beef barn. Too bad they didn't turn it into a gay barn until '89.

Isabelle Meyers:
[to Joel] Surprise! I decorated your locker, baked you brownies, and made a collage of fierce people who share your birthday. I would have done more, but I had to study for the SATs.

Pat Brody:
We don't take those for two years.

Isabelle Meyers:
Test clock is ticking! I can hear it.

Pat Brody:
Isabelle is the dork.

Isabelle Meyers:
As Pat is community college.

Isabelle Meyers:
So how does it feel to be fifteen, old man?

Joel:
[voice over] Considering that I'm thirty-five? Strange, confusing, frustrating...

Joel Larsen:
Great.

Joel Larsen:
I am not letting turning fifteen get in the way of celebrating my thirtyfifth birthday! Let's cut school!

Pat Brody:
And shave our heads! [Joel looks at him] Or just cut school.

Joel Larsen:
And we need to bring Isabelle. She's in desperate need of a Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Pat Brody:
What's a Ferris Bueller?

Joel Larsen:
A happy-go-lucky teen played by Matthew Broderick.

Pat Brody:
Who's Matthew Broderick?

Joel Larsen:
He stars in the Broadway version of "The Producers". Even if you sign up now, you can't get tickets.

Isabelle Meyers:
I expected this from him, not from you, Joel.

Joel Larsen:
Joel? Joel who? I'm Ferris Bueller! [Joel dances a Ferris Bueller dance and sings a few tones from the movie]

Isabelle Meyers:
Who is Ferris Bueller?

Pat Brody:
I'm not quite sure, but you can't get tickets for him.

Joel Larsen:
I don't know what happened today. I guess I was having some kind of midlife... teen... crisis. I have all these expectations about how this birthday was supposed to be. You guys were right, I was acting like an old man when I should have been singing "Twist and Shout" on a parade float. [Pat and Isabelle looks at each other, confused] It means that I took a good look in the mirror. And I'm gonna start acting my own age. I'm sorry, guys. [Pat and Isabelle still looks confused, but are also smiling, accepting the apology]

Principal Glen Rudd:
You're all suspended for three days.

Pat Brody:
What...?

Joel Larsen:
Wait, let me get this straight. To punish us for taking one day off, together, you're giving us... three days off. Together.

Pat Brody:
That's right.

Joel Larsen:
Great! See you Thursday. Do you have a movie section?

Principal Glen Rudd:
Oh, hold on, hold on. Okay. You're not suspended.

Isabelle Meyers:
Wait! I wanna be suspended.

Principal Glen Rudd, Joel Larsen, Pat Brody:
What?

Isabelle Meyers:
I'm tired of being a perfect little girl. Do you know what kind of pressure that is? Do you? I'm fed up with it! It's about time that I let my parents down and lower their expectations so that I can lead a normal life!

Joel Larsen:
Good for you, Isabelle. [Isabelle smiles, proud of herself]

Pat Brody:
Mr. Rudd, suspend her.

Joel Larsen:
Now, you look at this, Pat? I have my parents, still married. My sister, out of rehab, or jail, or stalking Mel Gibson. And I have my two best friends. By the time I turn thirty-five, dinners like this were in the past. I think I'm gonna enjoy this.

[last lines]

Joel:
[voice over] Like Ferris Bueller said... Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.

Bill Larsen:
There's my girl.

Cheryl Larsen:
Hey, daddy!

Joel Larsen:
Hey, Cheryl!

Cheryl Larsen:
Yeah, right.

Bill Larsen:
What's that smell?

Cheryl Larsen:
It's perfume, daddy!

Joel:
[voice over] It's bongwater, daddy!

Pat Brody:
Do me a favor! Let's not tell her you're from the future. It'll be nice she doesn't know something for a change.

Joel Larsen:
Only if you do something for me.

Pat Brody:
You got it.

Joel Larsen:
Tell me where the hell my next class is.

Joel Larsen:
Who's that? She looks familiar.

Pat Brody:
Lynn Pickett.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, yeah! In fifth grade, she stole my magic markers. They were brand new. She had NO right!

Joel Larsen:
I'm tired of always backing down. From fights, from bosses, just from life! I stand up for myself tomorrow night, I will stand up for myself from now on! And when the time comes, maybe my dad won't be disappointed in me. From this moment on, you're looking at the new Joel Larsen. [throws the ball toward the hoop without looking at it, but the ball flies over the roof and breaks a window on top of it] Damn! That would be cool.

Isabelle Meyers:
You're not really going to fight Judd Chulak?

Joel Larsen:
Damn right I am.

Isabelle Meyers:
Get real! *I* can kick your ass!

Joel Larsen:
Listen, when I get angry, Mr. Bicklesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bicklesworth gets upset, PEOPLE DIE! [hammers his hand at the table. Isabelle and even Pat looks confused]

Isabelle Meyers:
I'm not even going to pretend to know what that means.

Joel Larsen:
Dad. Can you teach me how to fight?

Bill Larsen:
[almost crying by pride] Yes. Yes, I can.

Isabelle Meyers:
[watching Joel getting beat up, runs toward a man in a Star Wars uniform] Help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope!

Joel:
[voice over] I completely forgot people beat you up in high school. When you're older, they just go behind your back and complain to Human Resources.

Joel:
[voice over] Somewhere along the line my family completely fell apart. My parents' marriage went to hell, my sister's on drugs, and worse than that... I'm a paper salesman. [asking his family] What happened?

Coach Dorsey:
How many fingers?

Joel Larsen:
Three!

Coach Dorsey:
What's your name?

Joel Larsen:
Joel Larsen!

Coach Dorsey:
What year is it?

Joel Larsen:
2002!

Coach Dorsey:
[pauses] It's 1981, but close.

Joel Larsen:
I don't believe it! It's my house. With shingles, and paints, and windows, and screens...

Pat Brody:
Joel, the tree! It has branches and leaves! I want you normal by tomorrow, alright? Ice your brain!

Joel Larsen:
This is going to be weird.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, my god! You guys are still married!

Karen Larsen:
Yeah, well, it shocks the hell out of me too sometimes.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, my god, I'm stuck here.

Isabelle Meyers:
Would you forget about Holly Kent?

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle! You look... totally red.

Isabelle Meyers:
Joel. She's out of your league. I'm telling you this not to be cruel, but because men, of whom you are one of, are inherently stupid. You idealize this girl you don't even know, and in the future, no woman will ever be able to live up to that. You'll end up sad and alone.

Joel Larsen:
That sounds about right.

Teacher:
Is that a cigarette?

Joel Larsen:
Yeah. Want one?

Joel Larsen:
Why are you doing this?

Isabelle Meyers:
Because I care about you, Joel. [hugs him] And using your parents against you felt really right to me!

Bill Larsen:
What's with the hair, Pat?

Pat Brody:
Just a kid trying to find himself, Bill.

Bill Larsen:
Yeah, well, you're gonna find yourself in a gay bar.

Bill Larsen:
Can I have your attention, please? You are now looking at the new vice president of the freshmen class.

Cheryl Larsen:
Dad beat Mr. Rudd? No way!

Joel Larsen:
Rudd had no idea what hit him.

Pat Brody:
Who are you?

Joel Larsen:
I'm Mr. Future Guy.

[last lines]

Joel:
[voice over] 80s might not be so bad this time around.

Joel Larsen:
Everybody snap. Come on, snap. [everybody snaps] That's how fast high school's over. The next thing you know, you turn around, and you're thirty-four. You're out of shape, losing your hair, or selling paper... And you wonder what the hell happened. I mean, believe me, you don't wanna look back and think: "I wish I had," or "if only." Don't dwell on the past, don't have regrets. Have fun! Take chances. Live each moment. Okay, carpe diem, people. Where are you, latin club, help me out! It means: "Seize the day!" [the audience applauds]

Joel:
[voice over] So what if I'm stealing from "Dead Poets Society". They won't know for another eight years!

Joel Larsen:
Alright, if elected, I will move to abolish memorizing passages from Shakespeare. It is something we'll never use! Well, except maybe in college you're trying to get in the pants of an English lit major. And what is up with dissecting worms? Who here wants to be a worm surgeon? Show of hands? And how dare they apply snow days toward our summer vacation? And cafeteria workers, pizza should not be square and ketchup is not a vegetable! Hey, how about co-ed locker rooms, huh? Remember, live each day. In fact, on behalf of me, Joel Larson, take the rest of the day off!

Pat Brody:
When it comes to your life, I'm a risk taker.

Isabelle Meyers:
Then it's settled. We'll watch "The Fall Guy" at nine and "Dynasty" at ten.

Pat Brody:
I'm not watching "Dynasty".

Isabelle Meyers:
It's either that or... Oh, no. I am not watching "Quincy".

Pat Brody:
Joel?

Joel Larsen:
How do you people live with only three networks?

Joel Larsen:
Cheryl, please, just take us to the concert?

Cheryl Larsen:
Oh, Joel... I need to apologize. If I ever gave you the impression that I do something nice for you, that was my mistake.

Pat Brody:
Hey, we should go see this movie! It's about a guy who goes through life playing it safe and never taking any chances, and he gets stuck in a job he hates, selling paper.

Isabelle Meyers:
That sounds horrible!

Pat Brody:
It does, doesn't it?

Pat Brody:
Isabelle! We need to find you a nice guy with no ears.

Isabelle Meyers:
I don't even know why I'm here!

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle, you're here because we love you. You're our best friend. And you have all the money!

Joel:
[voice over] Ladies and gentlemen - Joel Larsen has arrived!

Rob:
What about your boyfriend?

Isabelle Meyers:
I'm dumping him. He likes Rick Springfield.

Pat Brody:
You are so dead.

Joel Larsen:
No kidding! If I don't finish in top three in this science fair, I'll fail the class and be held back. I can't repeat freshman year again. And again.

Pat Brody:
You could have just studied.

Joel Larsen:
[annoyed] Thanks... Isabelle.

Cheryl Larsen:
We should get cable, daddy.

Joel:
[voice over] I'm not paying for television. TV's supposed to be free.

Bill Larsen:
I'm not paying for television. TV's supposed to be free.

Karen Larsen:
What happened to "I'm not paying for television. TV's supposed to be free!"

Bill Larsen:
I'm open to new ideas. I'm a man of the 80s.

Karen Larsen:
What is this channel called, Joel?

Joel Larsen:
CNN. Cable News Network.

Bill Larsen:
Nah, I'll give it a week.

Joel Larsen:
Well, I don't know, Dad. This one may have some likes.

Joel Larsen:
Here it is, Pat. The genius of Andrew Wages and a guaranteed first place in the science fair. [Pat looks excited. Joel opens up the box and pulls out what is inside] This is just a lightball attached to a freaking battery!

Pat Brody:
I'll tell you this: You better make one hell of a poster.

Isabelle Meyers:
What, third place? I don't understand!

Pat Brody:
Well, let me help you, then. It means two people are better than you.

Joel:
[voice over] At the end of the day, you can't ride through life on somebody elses cocktails. There are no short cuts. I gotta make it on my own. Though it's still okay to steal your neighbor's cable.

Mr. Adams:
Oh, Joel... I really did like your song. It shows a lot of promise! You should think about playing in Friday's Lunch Time Music Gym.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, thanks! I'll consider it.

Joel:
[voice over] Yeah, right after I run up and down the halls in my Yoda pyjamas.

Joel Larsen:
Maybe you're right. Maybe Mr. Adams asked me to do this last time, and I just turned him down? I go ahead with this, who knows where it'll lead? You know what? I am going to play in that Music Gym thing.

Pat Brody:
Yeah. Yeah! And I'll play with you!

Joel Larsen:
In hell, Pat.

Pat Brody:
Okay.

[Joel is sitting on stage]

Joel:
[voice over] Wait! What if my dad's right? What if music IS just a bunch of noise. What if I suck? [realizing that he has every single eye in the room on him] Oh, my god, play something! Anything. [pauses, then starts playing] Green Day's "Time of Your Life". They'll love it in 20 years, they'll love it now. [Joel sings the song and amazes the public. He walks off the stage and meets Isabelle and Pat]

Isabelle Meyers:
Joel, I can't believe how good you were!

Pat Brody:
Yeah, I even saw the stoners in the back break out through lighters!

Bobby Kindler:
I want to talk to you, because I'm scouting for a new TV show called "Star Search".

Joel Larsen:
"Star Search"? With Ed McMahon?

Bobby Kindler:
Well, we were gonna try to loan Fran Tarkenton from "That's Incredible", but McMahon would be perfect!

Cute Girl #1:
Hey, Joel! Your song... it was, like, amazing!

Joel Larsen:
Really? Oh! Thanks. It's about our life and the times... we have... in... it.

Pat Brody:
So what were you saying about being wrong?

Joel Larsen:
It would be wrong not to use the song in "Star Search"! Apparently it's amazing.

Pat Brody:
I see a fourteen year old man-boy. But do I see a rock star? No! What you need, is an image consultant.

Joel Larsen:
No, I don't. I'm the bomb! [Pat looks confused] It's something people say in the future.

Pat Brody:
I'm guessing you couldn't pull it off then either.

Joel Larsen:
Not really.

Pat Brody:
[after he and Isabelle have helped Joel getting a new style] I love it!

Joel Larsen:
I hate it. It makes me look like Pat Benatar.

Pat Brody:
Who, if I'm not mistaken, is a rock star!

Isabelle Meyers:
I can't stop thinking about your song. I didn't know you had that kind of depth.

Joel Larsen:
When I wrote this song, I wrote it for me. But if my song touched you, then that's cool too.

Isabelle Meyers:
What other songs do you have?

Joel Larsen:
I have something called "The Real Slim Shady". I have a little pop number I like to call "Oops!... I Did It Again". And, to challenge myself, I wrote something in Spanish: "Living La Vida Loca".

Karen Larsen:
I'm sorry, honey. You must be really disappointed.

Joel Larsen:
You don't have to feel sorry for me.

Karen Larsen:
But you didn't win.

Joel Larsen:
Who cares? Don't you see, Mom? I put myself out there, and it felt great. If I quit and didn't even try, then you should feel sorry for me.

Joel Larsen:
Excuse me, are you Shawn Hodges?

Shawn Hodges:
Yeah?

Joel Larsen:
Someday there's gonna be a thing called bungee jumping. Don't do it.

Pat Brody:
[after Isabelle hits him] Ow! What was that for?

Isabelle Meyers:
[has a bad hair day] That was for the comment you're going to make. It's a horrible form, I know how bad it looks.

Pat Brody:
Does not. What does Mr. Frankenstein think about it?

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle, you're going to have a lot of bad hairstyles in your life. None as bad as this one, but it's not that big of a deal.

Joel Larsen:
Isabelle, calm down. I have a little saying I made up: "Hakuna Matata". It means no worries.

Isabelle Meyers:
I've never heard of it. What language is that?

Joel Larsen:
I believe it's some kind of cartoon jungle language.

Dr. Nachman:
Well, I can't find anything wrong with Joel.

Bill Larsen:
Then you're playing the game!

Joel Larsen:
No! I think it's something internal. Might be the kidneys.

Dr. Nachman:
Are you having pain when you urinate?

Joel Larsen:
Yes! Exactly!

Dr. Nachman:
It could be a kidney infection.

Joel Larsen:
Ooh, that's it.

Cheryl Larsen:
Remember - elbow up, Olga!

[last lines]

Pat Brody:
Ow! I think I broke my wrist!

Isabelle Meyers:
[after Joel told her and Pat another future secret] Would you just stop making things up? Although, I would run off with Rick Springfield in a second.

Joel Larsen:
Sure! That is if he wants a fourteen year old girl who's good at algebra.

Isabelle Meyers:
Why do you have to crap on my dreams?

Pat Brody:
Isabelle, I'm going to let you in on a little trade secret: Rick Springfield sucks.

Isabelle Meyers:
Just because he doesn't have a mohawk or his safety pins glows, doesn't mean he's not good.

Pat Brody:
No, he's not good because he sucks.

Joel:
[voice over] That's the thing about my parents. Even when they're together, they are apart.

Joel Larsen:
Hey, dad! Just giving you a heads up - it's your anniversary this weekend.

Bill Larsen:
I know. Always falls around the play-offs.

Isabelle Meyers:
For your information, "Jessie's Girl" is one of the best songs of all time, and Dr. Noah Drake is one of the most popular characters on "General Hospital". Rick Springfield is going to have a huge career, bigger than anybody. Even Bruce Springsteen.

Pat Brody:
[to Joel] Is she right? [Joel just snorts]

Karen Larsen:
Joel, what are you doing in a bar?

Joel Larsen:
Um... Throwing you an anniversary party! SURPRISE! [looks behind him after Cheryl, who is now gone] I'm gonna go home and jump on that grounded thing.

Joel Larsen:
[about Isabelle's date] He cheats on her.

Pat Brody:
[shocked] What? When?

Joel Larsen:
I-I don't remember, I just remember Isabelle was devastated. It broke her heart.

Pat Brody:
What do we do about it?

Joel Larsen:
Well, when they were going out, we acted like our jealous, petty selves, and then when he dumped her, we said "I told you so."

Pat Brody:
Good, we'll do the same thing again.

Joel Larsen:
No! No, this time we're gonna stop it before it happens! Nobody messes with our girl!

Pat Brody:
[enthusiastic] Right! [unenthusiastic] Damn!

Joel Larsen:
What?

Pat Brody:
I really wanted to see Xanadu.

Joel:
[voice over] Oh, god, the block party! I hope this isn't the year my dad made sweat shirts. [Bill comes down the stairs with a sweat shirt which says "Larsen's kick ass", and Joel has an awkward flashback where he re-live some seconds of that day] Yep, this is the year.

Isabelle Meyers:
Dave is my first real boyfriend. You guys should be happy for me.

Joel Larsen:
We just don't wanna see you get hurt.

Isabelle Meyers:
Stop worrying! Dave and I are doing great. Do you know what he calls me? Hisabelle. Get it? His - Isabelle - Hisabelle! Isn't that so cute? [Joel and Pat are looking at each other, not thinking that is very cute] I really need to get some girlfriends.

Pat Brody:
[about Dave] Do you think we can take him?

Joel Larsen:
Maybe for frozen yogurt. But in a fight, we die.

Joel Larsen:
Pat, something has to be done.

Pat Brody:
Well, you already tried to change the race. Now you just gotta have to change Bill.

Joel Larsen:
I've been trying to change him for twenty years. Now I have 'til Saturday!

Joel Larsen:
I'm dropping out.

Bill Larsen:
No, you're not! This race means everything. You're doing it, and that's all there is to it.

Joel Larsen:
For god's sake, it's a stupid three-legged race! Who cares if we win? You're so damn competitive, you always have to be right! Nobody wants to be around a person like that.

Bill Larsen:
Hey! Hey...

Joel Larsen:
No! You may not realize it, because you're in your own little world, but you're driving everyone away! That's why you won the basketball game, that's why I don't play golf with you anymore when you retire, and it's why you end up old and alone! [tries to leave, but is stopped by the rope that ties their legs together] Damn common leg!

Bill Larsen:
Now, what are the Larsens gonna do?

Cheryl Larsen:
We're gonna kill 'em!

Bill Larsen:
That's right!

Cheryl Larsen:
We're gonna kill 'em, and then suck out their hearts through their entrails!

Karen Larsen:
Good luck, honey!

Cheryl Larsen:
Luck is for the weak.

Karen Larsen:
Okay, then.

Cheryl Larsen:
What are you smiling at? We didn't even win.

Bill Larsen:
Well, sometimes, honey, winning isn't everything.

Cheryl Larsen:
That's loser talk.

Isabelle Meyers:
Go ahead, tell me "I told you so."

Joel Larsen:
No, we would never say that. Come on. There might be something we can do to make you feel better.

Isabelle Meyers:
I doubt it.

Joel Larsen:
Trust me.

Joel:
[voice over] I think what hurt Isabelle more than catching Dave, was that we weren't there for her the first time around.

Isabelle Meyers:
[while ruining Dave's locker stuff] You know what? This does make me feel better.

Pat Brody:
I told you so.

Isabelle Meyers:
You two are the best girlfriends. So how was the block party?

Joel Larsen:
Great! I broke your dad's nose.

Bill Larsen:
Hey. You know, Valentine's Day's coming up.

Joel:
[voice over] He remembered... Romance isn't dead!

Pat Brody:
Actually, Joel is asking Holly Kent to go to the dance with him!

Isabelle Meyers:
Joel...

Joel Larsen:
"Joel..." what?

Isabelle Meyers:
You want the truth?

Joel Larsen:
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! [Pat and Isabelle looks freaked] God, I hate it when my best roles haven't even happened yet.

Joel Larsen:
It's all about the timing. Everyone knows you don't ask a girl out when her friends are around. [Todd comes in]

Isabelle Meyers:
[aggressively] What do you want?

Todd York:
Do you wanna go to the Valentine's dance with me?

Isabelle Meyers:
Okay. [Joel looks beaten]

Joel Larsen:
Dad, Mom is not gonna let you play poker on Valentine's Day.

Bill Larsen:
She's not?

Joel Larsen:
No, she's not!

Karen Larsen:
That's right! I already sent a card, telling me how much I love myself.

Joel Larsen:
God, I only have five minutes left!

Pat Brody:
Joel, my boy, you do this now, or you regret it for the next twenty years!

Joel Larsen:
You're right. After all, you only live twice.

Holly Kent:
Hey, Gary. Who are you here with?

Gary Ross:
I'm here by myself. [looks at Joel] For now.

Joel Larsen:
Oh, I'm flattered, Gary, but I already have a date.

Isabelle Meyers:
Todd, would you get me some punch?

Todd York:
What? You argued with me all afternoon about the ERA. So, to stay true to your stands, YOU get ME some punch.

Isabelle Meyers:
Fine, and I hope you drown in it.

Joel Larsen:
[about dating Holly] Everyone's watching us. I feel like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill, taking Julia Roberts to the Oscars.

Joel:
[voice over, after being dumped by Holly] Well, I still feel like Hugh Grant. Only, after he got caught with a hooker.

Joel Larsen:
For 20 years, I dreamed of this night, ending it with Holly and me holding hands, walking out in the moonlight, and a soft kiss good night.

Pat Brody:
Well, I'll take the walk. I'll... I'll even hold your hand. But I don't kiss on the first date.

Pat Brody:
Come on, I wanna show you something. [Joel and Pat walk in to the dancefloor again, seeing Bill and Karen dancing] See? You're not a failure.

[last lines]

Isabelle Meyers:
Where have you two been? I want a picture with my boys. [going arm in arm with them]

Joel Larsen:
I forgot to mention, you look amazing tonight.

Isabelle Meyers:
Well, thank you, Joel Larsen. [they walk up to the scene where the photos are taken]

Pat Brody:
NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! [removes the tux and takes the photo in his Steve Wagner outfit]