Don't Look Up

Kate Dibiasky:
We have exactly six months, ten days, two hours, 11 minutes and 41 seconds, until a comet twice the size of Chicxulub tears through our atmosphere and extincts all life on Earth.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
When did you do those calculations?

Kate Dibiasky:
I put the moment of impact on a diet app. So, impact is when my diet ends. Only I'm not on a diet. I'm just crying five times a day.

Jason Orlean:
[to Kate] You do not have clearance for this, sweetheart. Don't trip. I got you some crackers, some waters...

[throws them onto ground]

Dr. Randall Mindy:
You don't need to throw it on the floor.

President Orlean:
Mmm-hmm. So how certain is this?

Dr. Randall Mindy:
There's 100% certainty of impact.

President Orlean:
Please, don't say 100%.

Old Aide #2:
Can we just call it a potentiality significant event?

President Orlean:
Yeah.

Kate Dibiasky:
But it isn't potentially going to happen. It is going to happen.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
Exactly, 99.78% to be exact.

Jason Orlean:
Oh, great. Okay, so it's not 100%.

Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe:
Well, scientists never like to say 100%.

President Orlean:
Call it 70% and let's just move on.

Kate Dibiasky:
But it's not even close to 70%.

President Orlean:
You cannot go around saying to people that there's 100% chance that they're going to die. You know? It's just nuts.

Kate Dibiasky:
Am I to understand correctly that, after all the information you've received today, the decision you're making is to "sit tight and assess"?

Jason Orlean:
I'm sorry, who is she?

Kate Dibiasky:
Who the f*** are you? Aren't you her son?

Jason Orlean:
I'm the f***ing Chief of Staff, Boy with the Dragon Tattoo. So I'm doing fine.

Waitress:
That's an awfully official-looking White House badge you got there.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
I don't know why I have this on.

Nearby Diner:
Listen, just tell us what's going on.

Guy from the Bar:
I got three scared kids at home. How about you just tell us something.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
I understand. I wish could share information, but...

Guy from the Bar:
We're people just like you. We deserve to know!

Kate Dibiasky:
They're right. They deserve to know. Do you really wanna know what's going on?

Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe:
Kate, don't. Kate.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
Kate.

Kate Dibiasky:
They found a bunch of gold and diamonds and rare sh*t on the comet. So they're gonna let it hit the planet to make a bunch of rich people even more disgustingly rich!

Riley Bina:
You guys discovered a comet? That's so dope. I have a tattoo of a shooting star on my back.

Kate Dibiasky:
Oh.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
That's terrific. We heard about your breakup too, so we just wanna say... We're very sorry, right? We're real sorry. You seem like a... great person.

Riley Bina:
Why don't you mind your own business, you old f***?

[Kate sits in a car with a bag over her head]

Dr. Randall Mindy:
I did everything I could. They won't listen.

Kate Dibiasky:
Surprise, surprise.

Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe:
I'm starting to think you just like riling people up.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
I'm so sorry, Kate. Really, I am.

Kate Dibiasky:
Oh, Randall. God. Where's Brie Evantee? Shouldn't you two be playing footsie in a restaurant that only serves cubes and foam?

Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe:
Well, she ain't wrong. You did lose the thread in a big way.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
And what do you suggest we do? An online petition, huh? You want to hold... Get a mob and hold up picket signs? You wanna overthrow the government? I mean, look at this.

Kate Dibiasky:
I can't! My head is in a bag!

Dr. Randall Mindy:
I don't feel so good.

Brie Evantee:
Alright, so I think what we'll do, we'll go to commercial break...

Dr. Randall Mindy:
No, please, please Brie. Don't cut away. Let me say something

Jack Bremmer:
You came to the right place, because on this show, we like to say things...

Dr. Randall Mindy:
Would you please, just stop being so [[bleep] pleasant? I'm sorry, but not everything needs to sound so goddamn clever or charming or likeable all the time. Sometimes we need to just be able to say things to one another. We need to hear things! Look, let's establish, once again, that there is a huge comet headed towards Earth. And the reason we know that there is a comet is because we saw it. We saw it with our own eyes using a telescope. I mean, for God's sake, we took a f***ing picture of it! What other proof do we need? And if we can't all agree at the bare minimum that a giant comet the size of Mount Everest, hurtling its way towards planet Earth is not a f***ing good thing, then what the hell happened to us? I mean, my God, how do-- How do we even talk to each other? What've we... What've we done to ourselves? How do we fix it? We should have deflected this comet when we had the f***ing chance, but we didn't do it. I don't know why we didn't do it. And now they're actually firing scientists like me for speaking out, for opposing them. And I'm sure many of the people out there aren't even gonna listen to what I just said 'cause they have their own political ideology, but I... .I assure you, I am not on one side or the other. I'm just telling you the f***ing truth.

Brie Evantee:
I-I think this would be a good time to establish that Isherwell and the president have both said that there's benefits to be...

Dr. Randall Mindy:
Right, well, the president of the United States. Is f***ing. Lying! Look I'm just like all of you. I hope to God, I hope to... God that this president knows what she's doing. I hope she's got us all taken care of, but the truth is... I think, this whole administration, has completely. Lost. Their f***ing mind! And I think. We're all. Gonna die!

Dr. Randall Mindy:
Why don't you go find some, uh... what are the little potatoes called? The tiny ones?

Kate Dibiasky:
Fingerling potatoes?

Yule:
Oh, I f***ing LOVE fingerling potatoes!

[President Orlean is attacked by an alien bird creature]

Congressman Tenant:
What is that thing?

Peter Isherwell:
I believe that's called a Bronteroc.

Kate Dibiasky:
You guys, the truth is way more depressing. They are not even smart enough to be as evil as you're giving them credit for.

Kate Dibiasky:
Unless you a**holes are taking me to the Batcave, f*** you for putting this hood on me.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
Everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done.

Dr. Randall Mindy:
We really did have everything, didn't we? I mean, when you think about it.

Jason Orlean:
There's dope stuff, like material stuff, like sick apartments and watches, and cars, um, and clothes and sh*t that could all go away and I don't wanna see that stuff go away. So I'm gonna say a prayer for that stuff. Amen.

Jason Orlean:
Man... I timed this Molly perfectly.

Jason Orlean:
What' up, y'all? I'm the last man on Earth. Sh*t's all f***ed up. Don't forget to like and subscribe. We out here.

Yule:
Dr. Mindy, can I be vulnerable in your car?

Yule:
Dearest Father and Almighty Creator, we ask for Your grace tonight, despite our pride. Your forgiveness, despite our doubt. Most of all, Lord, we ask for Your love to soothe us through these dark times. May we face whatever is to come in Your divine will with courage and open hearts of acceptance. Amen.

Benedict Drask:
[screaming at approaching comet, trying to shoot it] You'll never take me alive!

Peter Isherwell:
[about the colorful animals] What ever you do, don't pet them...